When I hear about the intense pride, affection and love that my friends have for their children, I sometimes feel a little tug. A quick grasp on my leg. I look down and
“Come play with me, Daddy,” she says, and her red hair bounces slightly as she cranes her neck to look at me. I reach out and her hand is swallowed whole by my huge hairy paw. We walk down the beach and talk amongst the crabs and seashells of toys and boys and everything between. She speaks quickly in an almost nonstop flow of chatter about her imaginary friends and her adventures and her dreams and aspirations and why she wants to be an astronaut and ride dolphins in space. I nod without condescension and my smile on the inside threatens to split me like a pinata.
She talks about marrying her daddy and tells me she loves me. I love her too and tell her that her daddy is the only person she could marry, because no other man would treat her the way that she deserves. She looks me in the eyes sagely, nods her head, and changes the subject to her disdain for dolls and her love of robots who transform. I teach her about truth and justice and why Superman is the best hero ever. She teaches me about beauty and grace and why dirty hands and messy faces don’t really matter.
She gets older and I am her protector and knight in armor. I shield her from the horrors of the world while teaching her to be vigilant and savvy. We talk about weighty issues and her innocence and optimism pull me back from the brink of darkness repeatedly. I hesitantly let her venture out alone. I hold my breath and sit by the door until she returns. I rebel against her independence and strength until I realize that it is a reflection of me, only more perfect.
I’m her best friend. Her confidante. She tells me everything when I tuck her in and read her stories. She calls me from school and talks about her classes and boyfriends. She asks me about my life and pushes me to do more. She’s never embarrassed of me or ashamed that I am the way I am. She embraces it all and loves me as unconditionally as I love her.
When she brings him home, I hate him. He’s taking her away from me. “I’ll always belong to you, Daddy,” she says, taking my hand, reading my mind. I wonder when she became so perceptive. Her china white fingers look so fragile, but I know she’s strong. I have to let her go. Someone with her spirit and courage needs to belong to the world. I’ve done my job and can’t be selfish any longer.
There’s that tug again. A quick grasp on my leg. I look down and
It must have just been my imagination.
Enjoy this post? Try these:You know you’re a Redneck Mommy when
Bring your kid to work and have them watch you get fired!
The “Avitable’s Secret” Catalog…
Or… it could have been GHOSTS!
GAH! LEAVE THE HOUSE! LEAVE THE HOUSE!!
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@Dave2, I wish I had ghosts – that would be awesome!
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Kids. Puke.
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@Grant, they not only puke, but they poop too!
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Adam this is serious. You CANNOT take medicine not prescribed to you. give Britt and Amy back their birth control pills Right.Now.
Extra estrogen will mess with your mind AND your body
(unrelated : did you get rid of your smilies? I cannot find them)
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@bluepaintred, my smilies were lost when my template changed. I plan on getting them back someday. And I know you have a ton of pride and affection for your kids – I just had to pick a few posts that jumped out at me from the top of my head.
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Pee ess: I have no pride nor affection for my children. Obviously.
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It’s not your imagination.
It’s gout.
Children are contagious. Be careful what you wish for.
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@CP, I don’t wish for them. I just sometimes imagine having one.
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Adam – I love you!!!! I think this is my favorite post ever.
Hugs and Kisses
Cookies are on the way soon….
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@ADW, oh, you like the ball photos better, admit it.
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This was even funnier than your book review…
http://www.avitable.com/2008/04/01/a-unicorn-is-born/
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@Clown, stab.
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@Avitable, I don’t think you can just write the same thing you said privately. It’s kind of an easy out.
Fook Feek Frack Fucker.
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Twitter: whatsananna
says:
Actually this is freaking awesome. Sigh.
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@Nanna, thanks.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
you could be a great father.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
of course that part about “never” being embarrassed by you? yeah, i ain’t buying that. i was a teenaged girl and we are fucked up…our parents embarrass us because they breathe and exist. we get over it, but it ain’t pretty there for a bit!!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
on December 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, December 15, 2009 @ 12:35 am
is “teenaged” a word or did i make it up?
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@hello haha narf, oh, I know that the embarrassment happens sometimes. That’s ok.
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I think you’d be a good dad
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@Amanda, are you volunteering for surrogacy? Heh.
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It was probably just a bit of gas. Happens to me all the time and I’m fine…once the odor dissipates.
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@B.E. Earl, I’ll eat some Tums.
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It’s like your soft side revealed. A secret longing, a wistful dream.
Or the consequences of eating 2 day old melted cheese off the cooker.
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@pixielation, or eating Crisco that expired four years ago? That would totally do it.
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You would be a fantastic father. I have no doubt.
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@Redneck Mommy, I wonder if I’ll ever figure that out for sure.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
You would be a wonderful dad. You should have a daughter. I fear for the son that you might produce. And hello, WTF I talk about my kids all the time, why the hell am I not linked up there. Bastard.
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@Faiqa, I just picked a few posts off the top of my head. And I know how much you love yours too.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
What Faiqa said. Yeah, both parts of what she said. Because I’m petty like that.
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@Karen Sugarpants, oh, I know how you feel about your kids. How’s that weight loss going? We’re both going to fucking lose, I can feel it.
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I can’t even say anything snarky because… damn. Amazing post.
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@Undomestic Diva, thank you.
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Wow…some imagination you have there. And such brilliant writing.
Once again, you leave me speechless. I love you for your ability to do that to me.
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@HipM0M77, I prefer to do it with my nutsack though.
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Damn you for making my eyes well up with tears. *shaking fist*
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@Red Lotus Mama,
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Ah…… who are you and where is the real Adam?
Very beautiful. The thought that went into this post hints you’ve thought of this before. I think you’d be great as a Dad. You’ve probably seen it all by now and could totally protect a daughter. I’d worry about a son….. a mini Adam might be more than the world could take!
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@Blondefabulous, a mini Adam would rule the world.
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Twitter: _SciFiDad_
says:
and all this time I consoled myself with the fact that it was incapable of breeding
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@SciFi Dad, it, eh?
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Twitter: _SciFiDad_
on December 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, December 15, 2009 @ 8:35 pm
@Avitable, Oh like that surprised you.
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Beautifully written, Adam. You would make a wonderful dad. Too bad I don’t have a uterus or I’d consider making you one.
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@Shauna, damn you and your hysterectomy!
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Such a beautiful post.
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@Mary Jo, awww, thank you.
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Did you trade your digital clock in for an older model? I think you are hearing the ‘tick, tock’…
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@Andria, I know, right? My honorary vagina is apparently attached to an honorary uterus.
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Powerfully pretty prose provides protection for potential progeny. PaPa?
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@avatgardener, protection?
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@Avitable, a beartrap, idiot.
And bears.
Also, some beets.
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@Clown, Something I’m forgetting.
A show that would teach her to defend herself.
Hmmmm.
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@Clown, battlestar galactica?
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@Avitable, paragraph begins “I am her protector and knight in shining armor”. It struck a chord and I built around it. Interestingly, I have looked again at the relationship I had with my dad, since this post. I don’t think I ever saw him as you perceive yourself; is that me? or him? Sadly, he passed of parkinson’s may 2005 so I cannot access him to find out. Thanks for this post.
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You would be a good dad. Really!
And what Faiqa said. Geez!
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@Sybil Law, I’d try hard, at least.
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This makes me weepy.
Uh, also – wtf? you imagine your imaginary daughter to be Emma but with red hair??
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Twitter: mooshinindy
on December 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, December 15, 2009 @ 8:35 am
@Miss Britt, Or Addie. Apparently we make the best kids ever.
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@moosh in indy., clearly!
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Twitter: msmegan
on December 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, December 15, 2009 @ 10:10 am
@Miss Britt, It took me a few seconds to realize he WASN’T talking about Emma; I thought after the italics he’d switched back to reality!
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@Finn, the whole middle part is in italics, but sometimes it doesn’t look that way in the feedreader.
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@Miss Britt, Emma is pretty adorable. I’d like a little Nuha in there too, and definitely some of Addie. Maybe I can just genetically engineer a daughter from those three!
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I like Avitable’s soft underbelly.
You’d do an awesome job.
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@Amo, what did you say about my gut again?
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Holy hell, what did you eat last night? Because that shit is acting up something fierce.
Needless to say though, whether you were dreaming or not, I still think you’d be a great dad.
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@Sincerely, Jenni, I ate expired Crisco.
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Twitter: mooshinindy
says:
You had me until “she’s never embarrassed of me.” Then I couldn’t see through tears.
Tears of laughter that is.
It’s our job as parents to embarrass our kids. Have we taught you nothing?
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@moosh in indy., but I don’t want to!!!
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This? This is what I’m talking about.
/awesomesauce
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@Hilly, thanks.
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You would make a good, patient father. But you’d probably need to hide your porn stash well.
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Twitter: undercovermama
on December 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, December 15, 2009 @ 10:28 am
@cat, they ALWAYS find the porn stash. TRUST ME.
Avitable – this is such a sweet post.
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@Undercovermama, That’s probably true… but one should still hide it, if only to make the kiddos feel like they’ve found a hidden treasure! It’s so much more exciting that way.
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@cat, I think it’s better to know what porn is at a young age.
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@Avitable, Avitable is keeping it real…
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You would be a great dad. And if you ever had kids they would probably forgive you someday for flashing your balls all over the internets. Probably.
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@Jen, I’d be the cool dad. Or the perverted creepy dad.
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Looks like somebody needs a baby girl…
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@Angella, who? Heh.
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The only thing better than 1 baby girl is 2. Put them both on your lap as you settle in to teach them to fly a starfighter and you have a perfect afternoon. I think you would make a good father. As you described, my oldest wants no baby dolls, only Star Wars and Buzz Lightyear. Ok, and also Ariel and Penguins, but it’s a well rounded mix and Star Wars comes first to her.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/awholelotofnothing/4167021676/
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@Hockeymandad, ha – that’s awesome!
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Robots that transform are fucking awesome. Perceptive, indeed.
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@MayoPie, I know – they totally are!
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HOLY SHIT! The Crisco WAS bad! Go get the stomach pumped!!
Actually, that was beautiful. I think I’ll show it to Hubs so he can cry. Then I can frame it for when Babygirl leaves for college!
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@metalmom, if he cries, let me know, k?
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@Avitable, Showed him last night and yes, he got verklempt.
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Twitter: floatingprncess
says:
I got something in my eye! This is beautiful, Adam.
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@Lisa, me too! Must be a lot of dust around here.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
You made me cry. Fucker.
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@Finn, awwwww.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
I was really expecting you to end that with something about your dog and make fun of us schmucks that trip all over themselves to tell you the new word our kid learned.
Color me impressed.
And yes, you’d make a fantastic daddy. Just teach her early to wax if she inherits your hairiness, m’kay?
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I’d never make fun of parents. Me? I’m a sensitive soul.
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Nice post. Thanks for the good read.
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@bo, good to see you around the blog world again.
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Twitter: 5and1
says:
Damn. I’m standing here at the bus stop all teary. You are an amazing writer. I love that I never know what I’m going to find here. This just reaffirms that I lurve you Adam!
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@Sandi, awww, thanks. Why aren’t we playing WWF anymore?
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you sir, you’d make a good father.
(maybe it’s just that time of month, but this made me sniffle.)
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@melissa, I know it’s my time of the month.
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Twitter: rachael1013
says:
It might just be the pregnancy hormones, but I might be a little teary right now. That was just really nice.
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@Rachael, thanks.
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that was beautifully written. I won’t even make a crack about the expired shortening.
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@thepsychobabble, that’s what I’m going to blame, though.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I didn’t realize I was on SciFi Dad’s blog. Nice new template, dude!
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@muskrat, fucker.
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EFF YOU YOU MOTHER EFFER.
Not nice to make me tear for thinking everything I think but can’t get out.
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@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing],
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Do it. Have a girl.
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@Babygirl, yeah, if it were only that easy!
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Girls are a pain in the ass. I know, I am one.
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@the slackmistress, but they’re so cute too!
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*sniff*
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@MFA Mama, something in your eye?
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@Avitable, Allergies.
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Oh, Adam, that was just beautiful.
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@Janer, aww, thanks.
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I didn’t open this from Twitter at worked because I totally figured a post of yours entitled “Tugged” *had* to be about masturbation. And, well, I *am* and work and have to save such instructional…uh…humor…for home.
Well, you disappointed me, Adam. Next time you lure me in with hints of Vegas hookers and give me sentimental sweetness, we’ll be through. ;p
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@Nancy, hahahah. It’s a deal.
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There you go again, letting everyone see that you are just a wonderful, amazing guy. Well…. that you’re a real guy, anyway, and not just a guy who eats ice cream cones with Hitler.
You’d be an awesome dad.
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@amy @ bitchin’ wives club, so wait, am I real or am I wonderful and amazing, hm?
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Twitter: drlori71
says:
Truly a beautiful post.
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@drlori71, thank you!
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You’ve got nine days left, maybe you should write Santa a letter; have you been a good boy?
All kidding aside, I think you’d be a great parent.
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Twitter: s_csr
on December 15th, 2009 at Tuesday, December 15, 2009 @ 5:29 pm
@Employee No. 3699, Until I read your comment the thought that Christmas is only nine days away didn’t really register with me. I’m screwed
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@Employee No. 3699, I’m always naughty.
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Goddamnit Adam. You’re always amazing me. Either with your hairy balls or your huge heart. XO
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@Mrs. Flinger, but not my huge hairy cock?
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Twitter: an_bhean
says:
I know you’ll be a great dad. And watch out for that Crisco – I pulled a similar stunt with Doug a few months back and his gut cursed me for a week.
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@Robin, his gut cursed YOU?
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Twitter: an_bhean
on December 20th, 2009 at Sunday, December 20, 2009 @ 3:05 pm
@Avitable, well, to be specific, he cursed me b/c of his cursed gut…
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Yes, I agree with everyone else here, you would be such a fun Dad, but like others mentioned, it is a bit scary thinking of a mini you in boy form, only for your poor wife that is.
Brilliant post.
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@J from Ireland, I know. He’d actually be a quiet nerdy boy, I think.
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Dude, you totally need to be a dad, this is awesome!
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@Tug, maybe someday. I doubt it!
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Daughter Daddy relationship is truly an amazing thing… Getting a vasectomy after number 2… priceless
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@Clayton, I bet.
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Daughter Daddy relationship is truly an amazing thing… Getting a vasectomy after number 2… priceless.
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Twitter: elizawhat
says:
You would make an awesome dad. So, when are the little Avitables coming?
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, probably never! I’m too old.
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Well I think that is adorable. Kind of like the dream I just recently wrote about. *siiigh* Don’t let the “dudes” give you a hard time.
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@Kellee, I never let men’s opinions bother me.
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Like I didn’t want to (bleep) you enough as it was.
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@Mr Lady, does “bleep” mean “rub my boobs on”? Because if so, sweet!
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Twitter: SarcasticMomLC
says:
You deserve the chance to live that.
Love this post, Adam. It’s beautiful.
But fuck you in the goat hole for making me cry.
<3
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Hey there. Usually I read and run when I’m here but I had to pop in and say that I really liked this post. (Here via Schmutzie’s Five Star Friday list from a couple weeks ago, actually.) Anyway, I like the vividness of your imagination, and that at least on this day, you pictured a daughter. It made me smile.
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Oh fuck. You made me cry a little bit. Bastard.
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My heart slumped in its seat at the end. Sigh.
I hope this is not a never-fulfilled dream.
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The ghost children post was this past December? I really feel like I’ve been teasing you about this post for much, much longer.
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