On Tuesday, Oral Roberts died at the age of 91. Today, I was granted an exclusive interview with him:
Me: So, Mr. Roberts, you’re finally on your way to meet your maker. Are you excited?
OR: Why yes, young man, I am. I cannot wait to gaze on the holy face of the Lord my God.
Me: Are you pretty sure that you’re going to go to heaven?
OR: That’s not for me to decide. All I can say is that I have tried to live my life in a Christian way and have repented for my sins.
Me: You had quite a following while you were alive – did that ever give you a big ego?
OR: I have to admit that I occasionally felt prideful over my flock, but I was able to remain humble as well.
Me: Did you ever hear of those groups that gathered around the country to support you? They weren’t cults per se, but they were little pockets of Christians who thought you were closer to God than other people. What’s the word – I can’t think of it.
OR: Hm, enclaves? Sects?
Me: Yes, sects! Did you encourage or support these Oral sects?
OR: I never have. I am not a fan of Oral sects and in fact, I think it’s unholy.
Me: Sometimes these sects would do mind-altering drugs to try to get closer to the Lord. What would you think about these types?
OR: I am totally against mindblowing Oral sects. No matter what.
Me: So, to reiterate, the very concept of Oral sects infuriates you and you condemn all facets of Oral sects completely?
Me: I bet Mrs. Roberts really loved you, didn’t she?
OR: Most of the time, except when she was sucking my cock.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Martin Luther King, Jr.