On Tuesday, Oral Roberts died at the age of 91. Today, I was granted an exclusive interview with him:
Me: So, Mr. Roberts, you’re finally on your way to meet your maker. Are you excited?
OR: Why yes, young man, I am. I cannot wait to gaze on the holy face of the Lord my God.
Me: Are you pretty sure that you’re going to go to heaven?
OR: That’s not for me to decide. All I can say is that I have tried to live my life in a Christian way and have repented for my sins.
Me: You had quite a following while you were alive – did that ever give you a big ego?
OR: I have to admit that I occasionally felt prideful over my flock, but I was able to remain humble as well.
Me: Did you ever hear of those groups that gathered around the country to support you? They weren’t cults per se, but they were little pockets of Christians who thought you were closer to God than other people. What’s the word – I can’t think of it.
OR: Hm, enclaves? Sects?
Me: Yes, sects! Did you encourage or support these Oral sects?
OR: I never have. I am not a fan of Oral sects and in fact, I think it’s unholy.
Me: Sometimes these sects would do mind-altering drugs to try to get closer to the Lord. What would you think about these types?
OR: I am totally against mindblowing Oral sects. No matter what.
Me: So, to reiterate, the very concept of Oral sects infuriates you and you condemn all facets of Oral sects completely?
OR: Exactly!
Me: I bet Mrs. Roberts really loved you, didn’t she?
OR: Most of the time, except when she was sucking my cock.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My interview with Peter Graves
My interview with Brittany Murphy
My interview with Corey Haim
I was wondering what Mr. Roberts would divulge in his post-mortem interview. Nothing like well placed oral joke.
Reply
Nice! And about time, too.
Reply
Having nothing to do with Oral Roberts at all; I just read a comment you made on the Takedown about how you view the Internet (a community or an advertising platform) and all I could think was “Gosh, that Adam is insightful”. I mean I already knew it but yeah, something about those few sentences warmed the cockles of my heart.
Reply
Hahaha Oral sects….the last line made me LOL! You made me LOL!
Jerk.
Reply
Brilliant. And interviewing Oral Roberts a day after his death? Hmm. Wherever did you come up with THAT idea? You’re a genius. Or perhaps I am. Whatever.
(Oral sects is pretty fucking funny. Wish I could take credit for that as well, but alas, I cannot)
Reply
Twitter: msmegan
says:
He was just asking for it with a name like Oral.
Reply
Just. Awesome.
Reply
I was wondering if you were going to go for that, and I was hoping you would, and you did. Admirably.
Reply
I’m not sure if I’m ok with you mocking a man of Christ like this. There’s plenty of funny things you could have joked about without getting sexual. Did you know he started off in a tent? You just as easily could have made some kind of joke about not having AC and still have been funny.
Reply
Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Poor Oral.
Reply
Poor guy. He has been threatening for years that God would strike him down if his followers didn’t give him enough money. Apparently some bastard’s check didn’t clear.
Reply
He is the messiah. He died so that you might interview him.
Given the elementary school playgrounds I endured, I would not have liked being named Oral. It runs a close second behind Poundmeuptheasswithoutlube.
Reply
Twitter: missbritt
says:
Wait – is this part about there being little gatherings around the country that did drugs and stuff true?
I never get invited to the cool parties.
Reply
You, sir, are quite the cunning linguist.
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
all this talk of oral sects. now i’m thirsty.
Reply
Thank Gawd! I was sooooo in need of some oral sects today – thank you!
Reply
You are incorrigible. Must be why I like you.
Reply
Twitter: Faiqa
says:
This was your finest interview, yet. Oral sects. Heh.
Reply
I knew it… his name was a true cover up. That hypocrite.
Best. Interview. Ever.
Reply
Laugh all you wish but the truth is…..Oral Roberts is probably on his knees praying for you that you have your blinders removed and be part of the Kingdom of God.
Reply