The actress Brittany Murphy, known for “Clueless” and as the voice of Luanne on “King of the Hill”, died Sunday at the age of 32. Shortly after her passing, I was invited to interview her:
Me: I’m sorry that I’m interviewing you, Brittany. You were quite young.
BM: I know. I can’t believe this happened. My life had so much promise!
Me: Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I mean, you kind of peaked when you co-starred with Eminem in “8 Mile”, don’t you think?
BM: Maybe yer right. Can I ask ya what the papers are saying about my death?
Me: Well, they’re calling it a cardiac arrest, which we know is just code for coca–
BM: Don’t you fucking say it – I will walk out of this interview right now. I had an infernal heart conditioner.
Me: A what?
BM: A genital heart effect.
Me: Do you mean a congenital heart defect?
BM: Yah, exactly! And, yanno, trying to umpire that my death was caused by nerf fairies elements would be, yanno, slander.
Me: Well, let’s stay away from any nefarious implications, then, and focus on your career.
BM: Thank yew.
Me: In Clueless, you transformed from a schlubby brunette into a hip high school student who could have any boy she wanted. It seems like your career reflects that role somewhat.
BM: Huh? In what way?
Me: Well, as an actress, you started out at a more normal weight, with brown hair and average features, and somehow over the last 14 years, you’ve become an almost anorexic blonde with a different nose!
BM: It’s, yanno, my style of acting. I am all like method and committed myself completely to an advanced cardiomasculine routine.
Me: I see. So there was no plastic sur–
BM: I swear to fucking God that if you continue to disparagus me, this interview is over.
Me: I’m sorry – I’m trying to be respectful, but it’s hard when talking about your career.
BM: It’s okay. I forgive yew.
Me: Let’s move on to your love life. Why on earth would you date Ashton Ku—
BM: That’s it! I’m outta here. Fuck you and yer stupid interromagation!
Me: Wait, one last thing.
Me: Cocaine. Plastic Surgery. Ashton Kutcher.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Martin Luther King, Jr.