The actress Brittany Murphy, known for “Clueless” and as the voice of Luanne on “King of the Hill”, died Sunday at the age of 32. Shortly after her passing, I was invited to interview her:
Me: I’m sorry that I’m interviewing you, Brittany. You were quite young.
BM: I know. I can’t believe this happened. My life had so much promise!
Me: Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I mean, you kind of peaked when you co-starred with Eminem in “8 Mile”, don’t you think?
BM: Maybe yer right. Can I ask ya what the papers are saying about my death?
Me: Well, they’re calling it a cardiac arrest, which we know is just code for coca–
BM: Don’t you fucking say it – I will walk out of this interview right now. I had an infernal heart conditioner.
Me: A what?
BM: A genital heart effect.
Me: Do you mean a congenital heart defect?
BM: Yah, exactly! And, yanno, trying to umpire that my death was caused by nerf fairies elements would be, yanno, slander.
Me: Well, let’s stay away from any nefarious implications, then, and focus on your career.
BM: Thank yew.
Me: In Clueless, you transformed from a schlubby brunette into a hip high school student who could have any boy she wanted. It seems like your career reflects that role somewhat.
BM: Huh? In what way?
Me: Well, as an actress, you started out at a more normal weight, with brown hair and average features, and somehow over the last 14 years, you’ve become an almost anorexic blonde with a different nose!
BM: It’s, yanno, my style of acting. I am all like method and committed myself completely to an advanced cardiomasculine routine.
Me: I see. So there was no plastic sur–
BM: I swear to fucking God that if you continue to disparagus me, this interview is over.
Me: I’m sorry – I’m trying to be respectful, but it’s hard when talking about your career.
BM: It’s okay. I forgive yew.
Me: Let’s move on to your love life. Why on earth would you date Ashton Ku—
BM: That’s it! I’m outta here. Fuck you and yer stupid interromagation!
Me: Wait, one last thing.
BM: What?!?
Me: Cocaine. Plastic Surgery. Ashton Kutcher.
BM: GAHHHHH!
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My Interview with Henry Gibson
My interview with Oral Roberts
My Interviews with Zelda Rubinstein and J. D. Salinger
Wow, nicely done. That might be my favorite death-interview yet. Genital heart effect.
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“Nerf fairies” made me giggle.
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It was that horrible SyFy movie “Megafault” that she did. That’s what killed her.
Or was that just her career?
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Did she borrow some words or expressions from our last President there?
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That was THE BEST!! Supreme above all others. Your greatest work. And I so wanted to comment this on some peoples’ FB yesterday, but as an upstanding housewife and mother of two young children could not face the scorn: “She was hawt!”. Thanks for the giggles. (may she rest in peace)
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When I saw she has passed, I thought, “Good thing “King of the Hill” already shut down production of it’s series…. Luann just died.” Funny interview.
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I liked this one better than all of the rest, methinks.
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So.Very.Wrong. But you nailed it.
Disparagus?! [snort]
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I loved this interview. You seem to *really* get the young-ish, coked up, B-list actors.
“It’s, yanno, my style of acting. I am all like method and committed myself completely to an advanced cardiomasculine routine.”
Yeah. What she said.
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Twitter: www.mom2nji.blogspot.com
says:
Gential heart defect? bwhaahaaa.
You forgot to ask her if that creepy guy she married was her dealer!
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I can’t help it, I kinda loved her, I wish she’d had a chance to do more because I think she had a lot of promise.
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Twitter: elizawhat
on December 21st, 2009 at Monday, December 21, 2009 @ 1:17 pm
@Robin, I’m with you. I loved her in Spun and Girl, Interrupted. Hated 8 Mile, though. I really hope that it wasn’t coke.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
She dated Ashton Kutcher? I didn’t know that! You’re like CNN!
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Nerf Fairies was brilliant!
Now she’s “rolling with the homies…”
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“…Disparagus me…” – hahahahahahaha!
And seriously- I’d have dated Ashton Kutcher back in the day, as long as he didn’t talk.
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Adam, I really love you and your blog but sometimes I’m not sure if you realize just how hurtful you are.
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Excellent job my friend. Genital heart effects. Nice one!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Her nose was different? I’m so bad at noticing that stuff. I couldn’t get past how skinny she got. I’d be surprised if she the anorexia didn’t kill her.
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I think it was a combo of drugs, and a history of eating disorders that weakened her heart. In Hollywood, I don’t think celebrities give a shit though. Who wants to die old, wrinkled… Hell, look at Cameron Diaz. She no longer plays the hip parts… Now, she’s the mom. Celebrities don’t mind dying young, because it means they will be immortalized.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
So, you think she did drugs and didn’t eat enough? In Hollywood? Really?
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emaciated emoter expires. everybody exhales. excellent, exhaustive expose. eminen even expresses exasperation.
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Twitter: elizawhat
says:
Love the Clueless vibe of this interview! I really liked her, though, and hope that it wasn’t anything drug related.
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The clever and probing questions never stop, regardless of who has died and how warm the body still is.
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Twitter: floatingprncess
says:
It’s sad when young lives are cut short.
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bwahahahahaahaaa!
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I’d like to read an interview with that gross, ugly husband of hers. What’s up with that gross, ugly husband, anyway?
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BEST.INTERVIEW.EVER. couldnt wait to get to your website when i read about her death on the news. you are hysterical!
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“Nerf fairies” = comedic genius, my friend. Have I remembered to request that you write my obituary yet? Dude. It’s on my Christmas list.
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So wrong. And yet so funny!
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I now look forward for celebrities to die, so I can read these interviews. If only they would die more often.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
So, I read the article, here’s my favortie quote, “He [the coroner] added that it’s not unusual for a younger person to die of natural causes.”
No, really, that’s true, it’s not unusual at all. Especially if they head to the “powder” room after every meal and puke their guts out.
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Had to come back and re-read this interview.
This one is, by far, my favorite.
I use “disparagus” all the time now.
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I understand that this is supposed to be funny but i dont feel that putting any ones death in vein is any sort of humerous. Brittany Murphy was an amazing actress and this is just down right hurtful to family and friends of her. imagine if you read something like this about a friend of yours that had passed away, that wouldn’t be so funny. I suggest you keep ur mouth shut, you cant talk shit on someone you didn’t know personally.
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