Just call me NostrADAMus.
On February 14th, Brangelina will be out to dinner for Valentine’s Day when they will be waited on by a waiter who is coincidentally named Brangelina. TMZ will file the initial report on this story, and it will become a top CNN story by the next morning.
On March 8th, the Kardashian sisters will get into a huge fight with Spencer Pratt until Kim Kardashian stabs him four times. Shortly thereafter, the E! television network will launch a new reality series entitled “Keeping Away From the Kardashians”.
On April 1st, Sarah Palin will come out with a new book called “Going Rogue 2: Roguier Than Ever.” It will be the highest selling comedy book in history.
On May 5th, North Korea will officially change its name to North Honduras, confusing everyone.
On June 19th, after someone who happens to blog is arrested for murdering her own children, all media outlets will rush to do studies on whether or not blogging kills people. Katie Couric will call mommy bloggers “lazy psychopathic killers with poor parenting skills”. Twitter will explode.
On July 30th, marijuana will be made legal. Raping a donkey in the town square, sadly, will remain verboten.
On August 15th, President Obama will slip on the lawn when walking to Air Force One. Glenn Beck’s commentary that night will only be made more disturbing by his visible erection.
On September 22nd, Steve Jobs will pass away from complications due to his illness. Apple will release iCoffin, a sleek, portable carrier to the underworld that allows you to watch your favorite TV shows as you wait for whichever heaven your religion provides.
On October 30th, the first outbreak of the new pandemic, Porcupine Flu, is discovered in Egypt. It’s exactly like the normal flu, but hysteria and mass stupidity settle in, so governments around the world start administering placebo flu shots just to make the uneducated feel better.
On November 26th, FOX launches its newest reality television offering, “Can you outrun a lion with a steak taped to your back?” They are immediately besieged by a joint protest by PETA, the Beef Industry, and, for some reason, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.
On December 12th, Jon and Kate will star in a new reconciliation series on TLC entitled “Jon and Kate plus 8 and Dr. Robinson, their marriage counselor.” The series will be short-lived when all eight children collaborate and murder Jon and Kate during the pilot.
On January 1, 2011, the sun will explode into a fiery supernova and we’ll all be boiled in our sleep. Better enjoy the year as well as you can!
Enjoy this post? Try these:The Twelve Days of Christmas
Swine flu’s still around?
Swine flu and you
Twitter: Blogography
says:
All you’ve done is raised more questions.
Is the waiter one person or two? DOES SPENCER PRATT DIE?!? But does Sarah Palin get a movie deal? Will Kim Jong Il change his name to Kim Jong Zelaya after the change? Is it ultimately revealed that Katie Couric herself is a lazy psychopathic killer? (takes one to know one!). But will it be legal for donkeys to smoke marijuana? Is Glenn Beck’s erection even visible without the aid of a microscope? Cable or satellite? How many people end up dying from improperly administered placebo shots? But do Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson actually compete in the show? Does Dr. Robinson escape the slaughter unscathed? Half of the world will be in daylight… why would they be sleeping during the supernova? Is there a world-wide sleep-in organized for peace or something?
Reply
@Dave2, one, yes, yes but she’s played equally by Tina Fey and a chimp, no, yes, always, in the right light, satellite, 1 but only because someone administered it into his eyeball, in the end yes, barely, only America counts, no.
Reply
Twitter: Whatsananna
says:
And THIS, my dear, is why I read you!!
Reply
@Nanna, it’s not for the balls?
Reply
Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Just because I want to be the first to use the word, you’re Nostra-lame-ass.
Reply
@whall, you’re a Nostra-whallrus.
Reply
Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
, January 8th, 2010: 10:28 AM
@Avitable, Koo-koo-ka-joo
Reply
Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Dave2 asked all the questions I had. Except one: verboten means forbidden, right? I mean verboten isn’t a good thing. Like raping a donkey in town square isn’t a good thing, right? I mean, besides the way it feels, which is pretty damned awesome. But that’s not what you were trying to say. Um, right?
Reply
@B.E. Earl, raping a donkey in town square should be legal, though. We have that right, dammit!
Reply
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I thought her book was going to be called Going Rogue 2: Electric Rouge-A-Loo
Reply
Twitter: thegoddesscher
, January 8th, 2010: 3:37 AM
@Amanda, Now that was the funniest thing I read out of all of this!
Reply
@Amanda, I almost went there, but then decided not to.
Reply
Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
You don’t have to be NostrADAMus to see any of these things coming! Fuck Apple and FOX and their annoying selves.
Reply
@Elizabeth Kaylene, you don’t like Apple?
Reply
Twitter: elizabethbarone
, January 8th, 2010: 3:44 PM
@Avitable, It’s not that I don’t like them. They just come out with the most random, useless things sometimes. Everyone is jumping on this tablet bandwagon and we don’t even know if they’re still going to be relevant six months from now. It’s making my life hell at work.
Reply
@Elizabeth Kaylene, I think their stuff is pretty useful! I’d love a tablet. And I’m not even a Mac whore – I prefer PCs.
Reply
Twitter: elizabethbarone
, January 10th, 2010: 5:53 PM
@Avitable, I want Mac and PC to make a baby, which would get each of their best features. That would be the perfect computer, and then all of the PC elitists and Mac elitists can live in perfect harmony.
I want a tablet, too, but I want the “old” tablet, the one you plug in and use to draw. I’m perfectly happy with my good ol’ books. (:
Reply
You know, you are probably right about June.
Reply
@Dan, I’m spot on.
Reply
I’m sticking to consensual donkey sex in public.
Reply
@SingleParentDad, your loss.
Reply
Future features fighting, fun, foulness, fuddlement, four 20-ness, frightening flu, fractured families. Finally!!!
Reply
@avatgardener, I bet you thought I’d go with the Ps for predictions, Palin, Porcupine!! Ha Ha Ha.
Reply
@avatgardener, that would be presuming that I write my posts with my commenters in mind.
Reply
@Avitable, snap!!
Reply
Oh, I hope at least 5 of these come true!!! I’m marking my calendar.
Reply
@Mary, if they don’t come true, blame the Jews.
Reply
You better be right about May 5 because I’m taking a permanent pen to all the atlases and globes in my house.
Reply
@Nenette, I think the plural of atlas should be atlii.
Reply
I love that your creativity is coming back ten-fold. Yes, I’ve now said this twice but it bears repeating. I’m a giver that way.
Reply
@Hilly, I just have spurts. FOUR FEET!
Reply
Twitter: ellemmes
, January 8th, 2010: 10:24 AM
@Avitable, Gross, just gross
Reply
Twitter: hismuse
says:
Please tell me you aren’t joking about John and Kate, I might cry.
Reply
@Robin, totally serious. I know the future!
Reply
HA! i lolled @ the iCoffin
Reply
@elle, I’m sure it’s one of their next products!
Reply
“On May 5th, North Korea will officially change its name to North Honduras, confusing everyone.”
rigoddamndiculous, thanks North Korea for stealing my idea for the name of my Dokken tribute band name. awesome. jack asses.
Reply
@furiousball, Dokken, eh?
Reply
Twitter: bobutler
says:
On January 8, 2010: Bo will pee himself a little at work while reading about the iCoffin. And also remark to himself that verboten is an awesome word.
Reply
@bo, I love using verboten. It’s a very strong word.
Reply
Twitter: msmegan
says:
That February one? Not funny. I spent several excrutiating minutes on the elliptical this morning trying to not to notice that the “Breaking News” on Anderson Cooper was about Jay Leno going back to late night.
How long ’til July 30?
Reply
@Finn, so recockulous.
Reply
*sigh* did you not see Clerks 2? It’s not donkey sex, it’s interspecies erotica.
Reply
@Hockeymandad, only if it’s consensual.
Reply
I’m just picturing that new FOX reality show and laughing my arse off. You so funny. Happy New Year by the way…
Reply
@Elaine, same to you!
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
everyone knows the world will end in 2012 so if you fucked up that last prediction does it mean all the others won’t happen? now i’m sad.
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
, January 8th, 2010: 10:12 AM
sad because i wanted to see that spencer douche stabbed!
Reply
@hello haha narf, I’m saying that everyone is wrong!
Reply
Twitter: ellemmes
says:
I LOLed at iCoffin… Fucking genius!
Reply
@Lisa, I’d buy one.
Reply
Twitter: ellemmes
, January 8th, 2010: 11:07 AM
@Avitable, Not me – I’m going for the Darth Vader disposal method so I don’t think it would work well for electronica.
Reply
Then Glenn Beck part made my gag reflex activate.
I expect no less from you.
Reply
@Sybil Law, I try!
Reply
Twitter: poppycede
says:
I am uncomfortable with your Steve Jobs prediction. It better not come true.
And I think you’re early on the world ending prediction. I really think we have until 20121221.
Reply
@Poppy, I don’t think it will come true.
Reply
Twitter: perpstu
says:
BWAHAHAHAHA I have coffee up my nose now. If only one of these comes true, please oh please let it be a Kardashian stabbing that douchebag fucktard Spencer Pratt.
Reply
@Karin, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
says:
MMMMMMMMMmmmmmm…..Glenn Beck.
I <3 him for the same reason I <3 you….he's handsome but kinda goofy looking, he's funny, smart and says what he thinks.
And THAT is what I got from this post because I didn't want to read all of the other comments.
Plus, I really have no clue who all of those other people are except that one couple who I hate.
Reply
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), you are retarded. Glenn Beck is not smart!
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
, January 8th, 2010: 6:28 PM
@Avitable, No, I’m pretty sure that you are the retarded one. Glenn Beck told me so. I’m pretty sure it has to do with something you did this past November……
Reply
On January 9, I predict I will watch Avatar in IMAX 3D.
Reply
@Grant, I hope you enjoy it!
Reply
@Avitable, I predict that I will.
Reply
Between the April 1st and August 15th events, it will be a competition of comedy.
Reply
@martymankins, a comedypetition!
Reply
Thank God The Kardassian is going to kill The Spencer. Now I don’t have to.
Reply
@Little Miss Sunshine State, lucky you!
Reply
That June prediction is three days after my 30th b-day. Maybe I should get a sitter just so I know it’s not me you were seeing in your crystal ball.
Reply
@Allyson, good plan!
Reply
Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
What, no ninjas?
Reply
@GrandeMocha, they’re there. But they’re fucking sneaky!
Reply
Twitter: Faiqa
says:
I want an iCoffin.
But, I’m afraid they’ll come out with the iCoffin 3G. And then the 3Gs. Thus making me have to save face in front of all my dead friends by repeatedly insisting that I had the iCoffin before everyone else and yeah they might have faster data streaming through their coffins, but, at least I’m not a follower and, hey, I’m a trendsetter and I’ll be damned if I just go out and buy something because Steve Jobs told me to and why did he have to go and make three different version in three years anyway that’s so bad for the environment because why should we throw away something that works perfectly fine and….
Bastards.
Reply
@Faiqa, bastards indeed.
Reply
iCoffin. Snort. All the goths will want one, as long as it comes in black. They won’t move many white ones.
Reply
wow, it sucks about the supernova stuff on January 1st. But hey, as long as we’ve all gotten out iCoffin by then
Reply
Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Hang on, you usurping motherfucker. You’re going over the heads of the Mayans and saying this shit is going down on Jan. 1, 2011?
Brave, stupid man.
Reply
You make me laugh.
Reply