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My predictions for 2010

Just call me NostrADAMus.

On February 14th, Brangelina will be out to dinner for Valentine’s Day when they will be waited on by a waiter who is coincidentally named Brangelina. TMZ will file the initial report on this story, and it will become a top CNN story by the next morning.

On March 8th, the Kardashian sisters will get into a huge fight with Spencer Pratt until Kim Kardashian stabs him four times. Shortly thereafter, the E! television network will launch a new reality series entitled “Keeping Away From the Kardashians”.

On April 1st, Sarah Palin will come out with a new book called “Going Rogue 2: Roguier Than Ever.” It will be the highest selling comedy book in history.

On May 5th, North Korea will officially change its name to North Honduras, confusing everyone.

On June 19th, after someone who happens to blog is arrested for murdering her own children, all media outlets will rush to do studies on whether or not blogging kills people. Katie Couric will call mommy bloggers “lazy psychopathic killers with poor parenting skills”. Twitter will explode.

On July 30th, marijuana will be made legal. Raping a donkey in the town square, sadly, will remain verboten.

On August 15th, President Obama will slip on the lawn when walking to Air Force One. Glenn Beck’s commentary that night will only be made more disturbing by his visible erection.

On September 22nd, Steve Jobs will pass away from complications due to his illness. Apple will release iCoffin, a sleek, portable carrier to the underworld that allows you to watch your favorite TV shows as you wait for whichever heaven your religion provides.

On October 30th, the first outbreak of the new pandemic, Porcupine Flu, is discovered in Egypt. It’s exactly like the normal flu, but hysteria and mass stupidity settle in, so governments around the world start administering placebo flu shots just to make the uneducated feel better.

On November 26th, FOX launches its newest reality television offering, “Can you outrun a lion with a steak taped to your back?” They are immediately besieged by a joint protest by PETA, the Beef Industry, and, for some reason, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

On December 12th, Jon and Kate will star in a new reconciliation series on TLC entitled “Jon and Kate plus 8 and Dr. Robinson, their marriage counselor.” The series will be short-lived when all eight children collaborate and murder Jon and Kate during the pilot.

On January 1, 2011, the sun will explode into a fiery supernova and we’ll all be boiled in our sleep. Better enjoy the year as well as you can!

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78 Replies to “My predictions for 2010”

  1. Dave2

    All you’ve done is raised more questions.

    Is the waiter one person or two? DOES SPENCER PRATT DIE?!? But does Sarah Palin get a movie deal? Will Kim Jong Il change his name to Kim Jong Zelaya after the change? Is it ultimately revealed that Katie Couric herself is a lazy psychopathic killer? (takes one to know one!). But will it be legal for donkeys to smoke marijuana? Is Glenn Beck’s erection even visible without the aid of a microscope? Cable or satellite? How many people end up dying from improperly administered placebo shots? But do Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson actually compete in the show? Does Dr. Robinson escape the slaughter unscathed? Half of the world will be in daylight… why would they be sleeping during the supernova? Is there a world-wide sleep-in organized for peace or something?

    • Avitable

      @Dave2, one, yes, yes but she’s played equally by Tina Fey and a chimp, no, yes, always, in the right light, satellite, 1 but only because someone administered it into his eyeball, in the end yes, barely, only America counts, no.

  2. B.E. Earl

    Dave2 asked all the questions I had. Except one: verboten means forbidden, right? I mean verboten isn’t a good thing. Like raping a donkey in town square isn’t a good thing, right? I mean, besides the way it feels, which is pretty damned awesome. But that’s not what you were trying to say. Um, right?

  3. furiousball

    “On May 5th, North Korea will officially change its name to North Honduras, confusing everyone.”

    rigoddamndiculous, thanks North Korea for stealing my idea for the name of my Dokken tribute band name. awesome. jack asses.

  4. Finn

    That February one? Not funny. I spent several excrutiating minutes on the elliptical this morning trying to not to notice that the “Breaking News” on Anderson Cooper was about Jay Leno going back to late night.

    How long ’til July 30?

  5. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    MMMMMMMMMmmmmmm…..Glenn Beck.

    I <3 him for the same reason I <3 you….he's handsome but kinda goofy looking, he's funny, smart and says what he thinks.

    And THAT is what I got from this post because I didn't want to read all of the other comments.

    Plus, I really have no clue who all of those other people are except that one couple who I hate.

  6. Faiqa

    I want an iCoffin.

    But, I’m afraid they’ll come out with the iCoffin 3G. And then the 3Gs. Thus making me have to save face in front of all my dead friends by repeatedly insisting that I had the iCoffin before everyone else and yeah they might have faster data streaming through their coffins, but, at least I’m not a follower and, hey, I’m a trendsetter and I’ll be damned if I just go out and buy something because Steve Jobs told me to and why did he have to go and make three different version in three years anyway that’s so bad for the environment because why should we throw away something that works perfectly fine and….

    Bastards.

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