What a Faiqa wants, a Faiqa gets

Today is the birthday of the vibrant, amazing, generous, intelligent, nuanced, and attractive Faiqa Khan. I’m not sure how old she is, but I’ll just guess. Happy 40th birthday, Faiqa!

I was having a hard time thinking of what I could do for her birthday. Here is a woman who has everything. A doting husband, two lovely children, a nice home in a neighborhood guarded against solicitors and Mexicans, and all the potential in the world. Luckily, though, she made it easy on me with a post she wrote on Thursday, letting all of her gracious readers know exactly what she wants for her birthday. I’ve decided to give her exactly what she wants. Her birthday wishes are in bold below:

1. Say thank you and please. Even to people who are supposed to just be doing their jobs.

I picked up a hooker and said “Please give me a half and half” and when she was done, I tossed her a napkin and said “Thank you.”

2. Have an open mind when discussing another person’s opposing point of view.

I was walking down the street and some bastard said “Have a nice day!” I smashed him in the face and then kicked him in the ribs, but then I realized that it really was a nice day, so I thanked him for his perspective and continued on.

3. Don’t let your insecurity get in the way of believing people when they compliment you.

Usually when people whistle and say “Nice ass”, I blush. Last time, though, I started to strut.

4. Hug your family and friends, tell them why you love them and why they’re special to you.

I’ll take it a step further. I started hugging random strangers and random little kids in McDonald’s Playland.

5. Remove harm from someone’s way. Even if it’s a piece of broken glass on the sidewalk. Help keep people safe.

In order to avoid causing whiplash from sudden stops, I removed all of the stop signs within a one-mile radius of my home.

6. If you believe in God, remember that God created every single thing. Treat his creations with respect and love. Exercise humility with regard to your blessings.

Wait – did He create Rush Limbaugh? I don’t know if I can do this birthday wish.

7. Tell your children and spouse that you are proud of them.

I don’t have children, so I told someone else’s children. Can you bail me out of jail?

8. Take a deep breath and meditate on the following for thirty seconds: world peace.

I tried this, and then I got really bored and started thinking about whirled peas.

9. Remember that a single opinion does not define anyone. A person can be incredibly wrong about one thing and incredibly right about something else.

I will remain steadfast in that knowledge, despite my opinion that the government injects AIDS into chicken nuggets and that the moon landing was fake.

10. Sing loudly in front of the mirror while you’re getting ready for the day. Be the rock star that I know you are.

I’ve been getting ready for the day in a Dunkin Donut’s bathroom, but I still sang “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyl’s loudly and proudly.

11. Let someone in front of you in traffic.

Let them what?

12. Call someone you’ve been meaning to call but have been too busy to do so.

I finally called my grandfather. Turns out he’s dead, though, so thanks a hell of a lot for that.

13. Don’t feel guilty. Either do something to fix it or forget about it.

I finally punched a nun. Thank you, Faiqa!

14. Don’t dissect anyone behind their back. You have a problem with someone or the way they’re handling something? Just tell them and get it over with.

Apparently, the Secret Service don’t like it when you drive onto the Bush compound and try to tell W something to his face.

15. Eat something green. With leaves. Candy doesn’t count.

Well, I didn’t eat it. I smoked it. But only twice because I was told that for a first timer, that’s all I should do.

16. Relax. In the grand scheme of time, this really isn’t a big deal.

Fuck, you’re right. It’s just your birthday.

17. Turn off the TV and just sit. In silence. Embrace your thoughts. Renounce nothing in this moment and sit in a state of complete acceptance.

But what if I have to pee?

18. Even if it did not turn out just the way you wanted, look at this project with joy, acceptance and openness. You tried. And assume that everyone else did, too.

Okay, wait a second. Trying is not enough. If you tried and it didn’t turn out right, you did something wrong! I don’t know if I can stand behind this birthday wish either.

19. Think of someone who has wronged you, that you hate, that has hurt you. Now, pray for/send positive thoughts to them.

If I pray “I hope that you get hit by a car but that you die instantly instead of suffering,” does that count?

20. Give yourself a big hug from me. Tell yourself that I’m glad you were born, that I’m glad you are alive, and that I want the best for you. Because it’s true.

I did that, and I threw in a little rub and a tug at the same time. Thank you!

Happy birthday, Faiqa. I am lucky to count you among my closest friends. I hope your birthday is filled with the love and joy that you deserve.