“Did you see your parents naked a lot?” She asked, sitting straight in her chair, both hands clasped on her knee. Very poised.
This almost made me lay down. To this day, I’ve resisted laying down on the couch. I sit up, with a foot on her coffee table. Sometimes I rest my arm on the pillow. But I never lay down. “No. In fact, as far as I can remember, I don’t think I’ve ever seen them naked.”
“So your family wasn’t very free with nudity or sex?”
“Definitely not. In fact, when my dad tried to talk with me about sex, it was one of the most awkward conversations of my life. All he got out was ‘Um, Adam, there are some things we need to discuss’ and I almost shouted ‘Yeah, I had a class. Got it figured out. Thanks.’”
“Was there ever any discussion about wet dreams or masturbation when you were younger?”
“I never had any wet dreams. I learned about masturbation early on and started doing that when I was eight or nine. I flipped the fuck out the first time I ejaculated, though. I thought I had done something really, really wrong.”
“Did you ask your parents about it?”
“Nope. I was too scared. I just read books on the subject – I can’t remember if it was my mother’s Physician’s Desk Reference, the encyclopedia, or if I waited until I had time at the library, but I found a book that explained it, and researched it until I learned that ejaculation was normal.”
“So, after that, masturbation was a pretty frequent occurrence?”
“Not really. I shared a room with my brother until I was a young teen, so it only happened when I could have some time to myself. We weren’t allowed to lock our doors, so that meant either when I had the house to myself or if I was out somewhere.”
“Out somewhere?”
“Well, I’d sneak outside in the middle of the night or sometimes do it in the bathroom at the library or at school.”
“Did you ever get caught? Did you want to get caught?”
“I never wanted to get caught, and I never did. Well, except for that time my dad caught me.”
“Oh?” Her eyebrow raised a millimeter.
“Yeah. I was babysitting for a friend of the family’s. They just had a small infant who had been asleep the entire night in his bedroom, and I knew where the Playboy collection was. In the middle of the living room, I stripped down completely naked and jerked it like a monkey. When I was done, I accidentally made a little mess on the floor, so I went into the bathroom to clean up. As I’m in the bathroom, I hear the front door open. My clothes were in the main room, along with the magazines and a nice little pile of baby batter, and I heard my dad say ‘Adam?’”
“Holy shit!”
“Yeah. The only towel in that bathroom was a little washcloth, so I grabbed it and walked into the living room, using that to cover my junk. It was like something out of a movie, except horribly embarrassing and not at all funny.”
“What did he say?”
“Well, I tried to make some excuse about spilling soda on my clothes and trying to dry off, but I don’t think he bought it. He looked down at the clothes, the magazine, and the quickly drying jizz, and just said ‘Clean that shit up and we’ll see you at home.’ And then he walked out the door and never mentioned it again.”
“Wow. That’s fucked up.”
“Is that advanced psychological scientific terminology?”
“Nope. It’s just fucked up.”
No related posts.
Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Not so much getting caught as ASKING to get caught.
Jeez, man! In the living room of a family friend’s house? Completely naked? Walking around? That’s just bad spank plannin’ right there.
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This gave me a much needed laugh.
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Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
You are such a god damn exhibitionist….even back then.
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Why is it that your posts always give me visuals? Seriously, lmao. I just got home from Disneyland and I sit down to see this. Ack, how can I go to sleep after reading this. I need to go read a crafting blog or some shit…
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Dang I really like this style of yours today. Well done!
Glad I caught my parents doing it and not been caught… well maybe except for that one time with a fuck friend at my Uncle’s.
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
I remember my son once walking out into my living room which was full of my friends and family with my vibrator when he was about four or so. He thought it was a rocket ship so he was playing with it. Can’t say I blame him really. It was silver and had multiple settings so he thought it was pretty cool. My family got a good laugh out of that one. Still comes up at family dinners even ten years later.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
The bigger question is, more or less fucked up than the idea of you GOING to therapy instead of making others need to go there.
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sometimes that’s all you can say.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I still can’t talk about the time I got caught, somehow it seems more embarrassing for a girl…I think with boys it’s more expected than girls.
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Fucked up – and hysterical!!!
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
I always knew if you ever went to therapy, a professional would pronounce you “fucked up”.
Now that I think of it, didn’t I just win a bet or something?
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
So which was the fucked up part: You stripping off and masturbating without a tissue or sock or whatever in someone else’s living room or your father just telling you to clean it up and never mentioning it again?
And the most important question of all: What did he come over for?
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Ah, boredom. The masturbator’s friend!
You should save this post for May. That’s International Masturbation Month. Google it.
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Actually that sounds way better than my family. My sister liked to barge in my room unannounced (locked doors were not allowed) and I didn’t hear her approach, so I got caught pulling my hand out of my shorts. She reported it to our mother, and that was enough to get me accused of masturbating, which was strictly prohibited for no reason at all. I escaped punishment on that one, though, just because my mother was so uptight about issues involving sex that she didn’t want to discuss it.
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Twitter: lceel
says:
New nickname – Spanky.
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
Thank God that to this day I have not caught the boy with his hand in the cookie jar!
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I walked in on my brother once. Our bedroom doors didn’t have locks. Luckily I didn’t see anything (he was in bed with the covers pulled up), but it was pretty obvious he was busted by the tone in his voice telling me to get out and the dirty towel that dropped to the floor. I don’t think we ever mentioned it again.
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So what you’re saying is that at that age the washcloth totally covered your junk?
I’m disappointed, Adam. So very disappointed.
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Twitter: mrlady
, January 11th, 2010: 1:11 PM
@Kris, best comment ever.
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In the words of Dr Smith, “OH DEAR WILLIAM!”
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
I’m going to start wearing bells when my son turns 8 so that he hears me coming. I don’t ever, ever, ever want to walk in on that. I giggled and was mortified for you all at the same time!
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
Oh man, talk about embarrassing. Definitely something out of a movie, though. And at least it wasn’t a pie!
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Twitter: mrlady
says:
I CANNOT wait to here how my son re-tells the story of the time I walked in on him.
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Twitter: bobutler
says:
You’re not supposed to TRY to stump the shrink.
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That’s a very mortifying experience. I can’t even imagine!
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Twitter: lceel
, January 11th, 2010: 3:02 PM
@cat, I don’t WANT to imagine. *shudder*
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HA! That’s great. What a horribly embarrassing way to get caught though. I’m sure he had a good laugh about it later though. Also, you should’ve asked your therapist what the weirdest getting caught story they heard was.
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Remind me to *never* let you babysit my kids.
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That is quite fucked up.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I’m assuming this is fiction. *crosses fingers and wishes upon a star*
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Twitter: Zakary
says:
Oh, GOD.
My son is two and I never thought about THIS.
Thanks, Adam.
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It is an amazing thing that I have never been caught. Although Baby Jesus knew about it all along and he has been very, very disappointed in me.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Way to make you feel comfortable in your own skin!
I’m pretty sure you’ve told me this story before, the story of masturbating. I don’t think it’s fucked up.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
And thus Adam learned the lesson, “If one is to sneak Playboys for a personal hand job, one must perform said act in the privacy of a bathroom or closet and not out in the open, risking the wrath of the adult who will inevitably catch one in the act.”
Fucked up doof.
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Ballsy, very ballsy lmao.
I don’t think I’ll ask you to babysit…I like the carpets jizz free
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