There’s something palpable in the silence between two people who have nothing left to say. The “sweety”s and “honey”s are replaced with downcast stares and sad eyes. The guilt and the hurt and the confusion and the pain form together to create this invisible monster that swirls around the room and constricts my chest. Our words are low and tight, and an awkwardness exists that had never been present.
As we talk in cold, clinical terms about who gets which DVD or the extra set of chairs, it all seems so stupid. But it’s necessary, and there are no words that can take away the inevitable. Even knowing that I am the architect of the demolition, it’s the fact that we built it together, brick by brick, that makes it So. Goddamn. Hard. If only I could offer solace or comfort. Something other than quietly saying “I’m sorry”. But I can’t. It’s no longer my place. I gave up that right.
We lapse into familiar routines for an instant. We share a chuckle at an inside joke, and in the space between heartbeats, everything feels normal. But even quicker, reality raps at the door. We finish our conversation and return to that thick, heavy silence. A silence that has now been replaced with the quiet hush of my new empty home.
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_sigh_ and xoxo
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I’m so sorry Adam.
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Twitter: WWScissors
says:
I’m so sorry.
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I know this is going to sound like something you will hear from others that have gone through a divorce, but having been through a divorce and splitting up the DVDs and CDs (the scene from St. Elmo’s Fire ran through my head when my ex and I sat down to do this very task), it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do. But given enough time, the times of silence seem to go away. It does take time, though. My ex and I can now openly converse and be friendly. It took over 7 years, and it was painful before, but it happened.
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
Adam- I’m so sad for your pain and for Amy’s. You both have a long road ahead. Be sure to take us along. We’re good for moral support and filling potholes.
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I’m sorry you’re hurting
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My least favorite entry, ever.
So sorry.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
Very sorry dude.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Ugh. I feel for you. Both of you. Stay strong.
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I’m sorry you are going through this.
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Im sorry you are going through this
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I have felt this suffocating feeling more often than I would like to remember.
Katherine
TWEET//theatomicmommy
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Oh, shit.
I’m so sorry, Adam.
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I’m sorry. Very, very sorry.
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So, so sorry to hear you in pain. Emotional pain is a two-fer because when your heart hurts, the rest of your body hurts as well. I wish you to be gentle with yourself in this time. Try not to hurry it along too fast because you need time to think and feel it all out before moving forward.
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…shit, man. I’m sorry to read this.
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Your words convey the heaviness of your heart. I wish I could make it better.
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I’m so sorry, Adam.
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That was beautifully painful to read and I cannot imagine how it is like to actually feel this… sorry.
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Hugs
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Twitter: Zakary
says:
This breaks my heart.
I know what a hard time this is.
Love to you, friend.
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Hugs pumpkin, this too shall pass
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I’m very sorry for both of you – the ending of a relationship (or the morphing into a new type of relationship) is so very hard to go through. Nothing springs to mind for me to bring any comfort but I am here quietly supporting you both from a distance.
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dammit. sorry seem too hollow, so i’ll just curse.
shit fire
hell’s bells
fuck
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Adam, There are no words… I’m so sorry.
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I am so fucking sorry. Divorce sucks so much. My heart is with you guys.
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I honestly don’t know what to say. I will pray for strength and healing. I am truly sorry that you are going through this.
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Oh man, Divorce sucks…
Sorry to hear it.
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Been there. You’ve captured the feelings far too accurately. So sorry, dude.
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Twitter: CountessMo
says:
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this.
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You need anything, you know where to find me.
xo
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Twitter: redlotusmama
says:
*HUGS*
I am so so so sorry you are going through this. The separation process is incredibly difficult. In some ways I know exactly what you are feeling, but in so many more ways our situations are different. What I do know is that I am here for you. Hang in there.
*HUGS*
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You captured the feeling well–the utter sorrow at awkwardness where there once lived the opposite–and so I am so very sorry for what you are grieving.
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
I am so, so sorry. You’ve been on my mind all weekend.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
I’m so sorry Adam. This just makes my heart hurt for both of you.
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Twitter: karlerikson
says:
Ugh. I get it, dude. And I’m very sorry because it’s a shitty, shitty place to be. Not the new house. I’m sure that’s not a shitty place at all, really. Shit, you know what I’m saying. Hate that you’re hurting, is all.
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Adam I had no idea. I wish I could offer more than the word that have been repeated over and over by others before me. If there’s anything I can do from this side of Orlando, please don’t hesitate to ask.
I never met Amy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hope the pain fo her and you in this time is any less. I hope you’ll be able to stay amicable in your split. Your words here make me ache for you both.
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I’m so sorry for your pain.
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Oh, Adam. I hurt for you, I hurt for Amy. I have no advice, as I am going through this myself right now– but, all I have, is to treat divorce like a death. For, it really IS a death: the dying of dreams and a life that once was. Allow yourself to enter all stages of “death”: grief, anger, etc. I’m still trying to push through the pain, myself.
I’m here dude, I’m here.
It just really, really sucks.
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I’m so sorry, Adam. *hugs*
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i am so sorry you are going through this…
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Twitter: GingerSnaps
says:
Oh, Adam…I’m so very sorry. You are a good man, Adam…you will get through this. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Sending much love your way tonight.
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Oh wow. I had no idea you were going through this. I am so very sorry and I wish there was something I could say or do to make it easier for you.
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Hugs. Just hugs.
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Twitter: 5and1
says:
I am so sorry.
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*sigh* I have no words… Hugs.
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Adam, I am so sorry. Please know you are in my thoughts.
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I’m so sorry. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.
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(((((Adam))))) I’m so sorry.
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Oh no, Adam, I am so sorry. I really don’t know what else to say. Sorry mate.
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
Hugs and the offer to help in any way possible.
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I wish you lots of strength and distractions. It’s a good time for a vacation. Once again, I am very sorry.
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Awww, Adam. This made me teary because I so get it. Like 100% get it.
I’m not going to tell you how it gets easier because you’ve watched me for the last year and you already *know* that it gets easier. I will tell you to go ahead and feel whatever emotion you want or need to on whatever given day because that? That’s how you get through it all.
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Twitter: bubblewench
says:
What a moving post. I am sorry for your pain and your loss. Both you & Amy. Hugs, and I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you.
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Twitter: maria0305
says:
I’ve been trying to think of something to say since I got the email. I haven’t been able to. I’m still at a loss, and internet hugs don’t seem good enough. So really, this comment is to let you know that I’m here and I care.
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I’ve always liked your serious posts. Not this one, though.
I’m so sorry that you and Amy are going through this.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
I love you, hon. Just that. And like everyone else, I’m here for you.
I hate that the two of you are hurting.
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Just let me know if she keeps all the porn. I’ll send you some new stuff.
*hugs* Love ya, Adam
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Twitter: Pgoodness
says:
Shit. I’m so sorry.
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Oh, damnit. There’s this sort of poisonous silence that swirls around while shell-shocked – thick, and heavy, and it changes sound a bit.
I hope you make it through the fog soon.
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Twitter: leeleykeel
says:
i am so sorry this is where you are right now.
everyone here is, i imagine. (squeezes you in big hug)
this too shall pass. and when it feels like it wont, please remember it always does.
thanks for sharing with us.
xoxo
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Oh.
Oh God.
Holy shit. I had no idea – but then, why would I? Some faceless person from the ‘net that knows jack shit about how your life really is day to day.
But.
Even though we’ve never met and are very unlikely to, I send my fiercest hugs to you today and every day.
And to Amy.
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Oh, Adam, I’m so sorry.
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I have walked that path before. It’s just as hard when you want out…the grieving for the dreams you had and the life you built together is something that grabs you just when you least expect it and when you think you are over it. It’s a tough place to be. But like most other soul scars, time takes the sharp edges and files them down into smooth corners and it doesn’t hurt to pull out those memories that helped shape who you are anymore. Peace and happiness will be yours, Adam. <3
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Twitter: ArtistMother
says:
So sorry for you and Amy. Hugs to both and good luck with all the stuff that comes with such a difficult decision.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
I am so incredibly sorry, man. Truly.
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Sorry to hear this… Hugs to you both.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I wish I could give you a hug.
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Adam, you’ve been on my mind all weekend. I’m truly very sorry for your pain and loss.
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Twitter: Temptingsam
says:
I love you.
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Damn dude, I’m sorry to hear this.
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Twitter: Whatsananna
says:
I love you, buddy.
And wow, you are an amazing freaking writer.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
I was so sorry to hear about this. Divorce sucks, but it sounds like at least you guys are dealing with it somewhat amicably and without a lot of the venom often associated with the events.
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Nothing good I can say at this point. Just sorry.
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
I’m so sorry for you and Amy. Love to you both. I am very sad for you guys.
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{{{Hugs}}}
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Sorry, man.
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Delurking to tell you how really sorry I am.
Speechless.
Sorry is all I can really think of to say. Big hugs.
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Your blog consistently leaves my jaw hanging, today is definately no exception.
I am sorry to read this. Feeling for your pain that I can not even fathom.
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Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
big, long two armed hug and lots of love to you, my wonderful adam.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
Sorry dude. Hugs.
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What everyone else said.
xoxoxoxo
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Adam, I’m sorry. Nothing else I say will help but I send you love and lots of jugs. Oops. Hugs. (that was a total typo but I decided to leave it) : )
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I’m so sorry to hear this… so many people seem to be hurting right now and I was so sad to hear you are one of them. I’ve been there myself and you write so perfectly of what it is. Although I only know you through cyberspace, know I am thinking of you and wishing you peace.
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Twitter: snerkology
says:
I’m so sorry, for you both. Take good care of yourself.
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Adam,
I have loved your Blog from the second I start reading. Whenever I read posts like this one, it reminds how what we write is a tiny window into a big life with lots going on we can’t see. Every once in a while, a wonderful writer will bravely throw open another window for us to take a peek through. I hope you see out that window all of the people out here, waving and smiling and wishing only better things for you than you are living through right now.
xxxx
Shannon
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My heart is breaking for you both. My pain is still recent, and I can tell you there are no words to heal. Only time, as trite as it seems, and even then the wound may never fully close. It’s a familiar wound though, and you may even learn to love it for the beauty it brings you one day.
Please let me know if I can do anything.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
I don’t know what to say here that I haven’t said to you in person.
I hate that you’re hurting.
I hate that you didn’t have your shit packed when we showed up on Saturday.
I will still help you move everything back in if you change your mind.
And if you don’t, I’ll be here to help with that, too.
(Also – wtf that this original comment showed up as you?!?! Oh, right, because you GOT ON MY FUCKING COMPUTER WITHOUT ASKING ME! Seriously. Argh.)
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@Miss Britt, If he changes his mind, I will help him take the tv back. You can sell the DVDs. The rest, we’re burning. Maybe.
By the way Britt, nice beard.
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i have an ear (actually, i have two) and a petite shoulder to cry on, should you EVER need to express yourself without someone offering an opinion.
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Jesus. Adam, I’m sorry.
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Whatever I can do please know I will. Olives.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
You know where to find me if you need to lean. Big hugs, bud bud.
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Again, I’m sorry for what is happening to you. Even though you said it’s for the best, and I do believe you, I’m sorry that it carries so much hurt. If you need anything, just let me know.
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Twitter: lceel
says:
I’ve been there. I know what it’s like. I’m sorry to see you going through this. And the really bad thing about it? There is no easy way to do it. Just breathe – take it one day at a time – talk about it – really – talk it out – and know that this, too, will end. It will get better.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
You will make it. She will make it. And you both will be happy. Because you both deserve that. I am sorry that you have to be here before you get there, though.
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I have this blog in my reader for some reason, but I no longer remember who you are. Oh well. Deleted!
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I had no idea. I’m SO sorry! You and Amy are in my thoughts for sure.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Big, two-armed, tight hugs. To both of you.
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Here for you Adam.
Love you.
S
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I am so very sorry. We have never met, but I just want to hug you.
Aside from that, it really must be something in the water in Florida. When we first moved there, we had split up too.
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I’m sorry man. hope you both come out of it friends at least.
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So sorry Adam.
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In my personal experience, we were actually kinder to each other after the stress of ‘omg when is this split going to happen’ finally happened. I even took him In n Out at work one day. (Not a metaphor, In n Out burger had opened in town and the lines were redonk, but I did it anyway.)
It was a decade ago today I packed my bags to head to my own wedding. Barf.
It was shit for me then, but I think you’ll agree that I’m more or less a happy person now.
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I can’t imagine how hard this must be. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting right now. Hugs.
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Twitter: alimartell
says:
Hugs, friend.
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(delurking) You do what you gotta do to be happy and find peace within yourself.
(see, that’s why I lurk … I say stupid stuff)
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This totally sucks for you both. I wish both you and Amy well.
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been through it myself
I’m so sorry. If you need anything, send me an email. I’m right around the corner on Wymore.
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Twitter: undercovermama
says:
Sometimes, relationships REALLY suck. So Sorry.
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I don’t have any words that you haven’t already heard. You have a lot of friends who love you – keep them close to you.
Hugs.
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Wow. When I first read this in my feed reader, I clicked through to your site thinking this was some kind of short story you had written and surely there was a punchline to it somewhere. I thought it just HAD to be a joke.
From the sounds of the comments, this is indeed real. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Having been through this before, I can not only relate but sympathize with what both you and your wife are going through.
I’ll be thinking about both of you.
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Twitter: HeadlessMom
says:
Sorry to hear this. Strength to you both.
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Twitter: mr_shiny
says:
I’m sorry that you’re going through this pain, Adam. Know that you’ve got a lot of folks out here thinking about you…
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This is so well said. I know that feel and I am sorry.
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i’ve been there more times than i care to say.
ok twice. legally speaking, of course.
it never gets easier. i tend to think of it not as a failure but a normal movement in life. we start things when we’re young and we tend to finish them when we’re older. all kinds of things, even relationships, and that’s not to say each relationship has its expiration date, but it’s not like it was in the olden days. we don’t HAVE to stay in relationships where we’re unhappy or unfulfilled. it doesn’t mean we’re bad. it means we’re moving onto the next part. and that’s good.
the resistance of change is the root of all suffering.
i’m here for you. (irrespective of the fact that i can’t get your arse on the phone, and visa versa)
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Twitter: mooshinindy
says:
[] <— that's a wownie. It's all I've got.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
So sorry. *hugs*
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I’m so sorry.
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Twitter: paintingchef
says:
I’m so very sorry.
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* HUG *
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I’m sorry, Adam. I know I am a relatively new friend, but that doesn’t mean I care any less. I hope you are well, and I hope you know I am here.
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Very sorry to hear this.
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So very painful to read. I am sorry you are going through this.
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I’m very sorry, Adam. Funny how you don’t really know a person, have never met them, but read so much about their life that when you find out something like this has happened, it’s like a punch in the gut. And, that it was for me this morning.
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
Sucks ass all around.
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Twitter: thepsychobabble
says:
I’m sorry to hear that. You’ll be in my thoughts.
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Damn…so very sorry to hear this. ((hugs)) and much luck to you both.
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I’m sorry to read that you’re going through this. You’ve obviously got the love and support of a very tight-knit community. Time heals all wounds…or so the saying goes…
(I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time, but this is my first comment…I’ve not just randomly stopped by to express my sorrow for you)
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I’ve been thinking about you and worrying. I’m really sorry about this.
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Sorry to hear about this. I went through the same thing about a year ago (with one of your other readers, she already commented), and it is tough, tough, tough. A year later I am still reeling. But things will get better. Use your support system. Keep your honor.
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Oh crap.
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Hurt..i am so sorry for you.
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Although it feels like it right now, it’s not the end of the world. I promise. (Just remind me of this when I go through it again.)
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Add my “Sorry” to the chorus. Sincerely.
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Twitter: rachael1013
says:
I know ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t really enough, but it’s all I have. And I am. Things will be okay again one day, I promise. For now, big hugs.
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I’m just so sorry.
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I don’t comment much and rarely leave my feed reader when reading things, but I wanted to pop on over here and tell you that I’m thinking positive thoughts and sending lots of prayers, hugs and love. This can’t be an easy thing to write about and know that there are tons of people who will help you through this. Stay strong.
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Love and hugs. Lots and lots. xo
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I think with an end, there is always going to be a mourning period. People seemed to think I didn’t have the right to be sad or grieve the loss of my marriage because I was the one who left. But in the long run, you need to do what is right for yourself to be happy. In my own marriage, I had to leave because I was not happy. I felt that even if one person is happy and the other person isn’t, it won’t work.
I’m sorry you have to go through this, but things will get better. I mean, heck, I’m still living with my folks and doing better now than I was the last few years of marriage.
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Oh honey.
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So sorry Adam.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
So my computer slash internet is finally cooperating with your page so that I could give you, I dunno, a public show of support? That sounds stupid but whatever.
ANYWAY, as you already know, I’m only a phone call or text away anytime you need me! The Bonus Features that come with this special internet offer are : 1) I’m an hour earlier than you so you wouldn’t be keeping me up late; 2) I don’t sleep anyway; 3) I have a knack for making jokes at the most inopportune times which accomplishes two things : a) makes you laugh and distracts you from your problems and, b) makes you angry at me for being so damned insensitive which, again, distracts you from your problems.
And this is why I’m an awesome friend.
And because I love you.
Many hugs to you and Amy.
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My thoughts were in my email whuch, considering your usual speed in responding, languishes.
Now I know it’s serious.
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I hope you know that you can talk to me, and I guess, in my almost old age, I wish you would. Reading this broke my heart, especially because I know how you are feeling with the new changes in your life.
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I’m sorry.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I hate the fact that you have to understand what I was going through by going through it yourself, but you’re in for such amazing things. I know it.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
And now you can masturbate anywhere you want, whenever you want, as much as you want, to whatever porn you want, and no one’s gonna walk in you. WOOT!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
(What? You laughed.)
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I am at a loss as what to say.
Every situation is different. I can see you coming out on top in the end. Hang in there.
Hugs.
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I’ve always thought of the end of relationships as an equivalent to the passing of a close friend. That it is in itself a unique entity. I suck at words, but recently read this from someone who lost his mother and wrote these words, which you can take or leave as you please:
“On the occasion of deep sorry in my life, though I was surrounded by concerned friends, nothing they said was spoken in a language I could hear. I tried, and they tried, but it was as if we lived on different planets. Then an 89-year-old man wrote to me saying that grief was the noblest emotion a human being could feel, and the world focused again. To be assured that sorry was not merely a passing madness restored dignity to me and value to the person I mourned. I saw that I could transcend grief, not just forget it through time, but actually go beyond it into greater meaning for myself and others.”
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I’m coming out of the dark corner I usually hide in when I read your blog to say ~ I am so sorry and my heart hurts for you.
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Twitter: kateanon
says:
I’m sorry doesn’t seem enough, but it’s all I have to offer.
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I am really sad to hear this. Sorry, Adam. Look after yourself. XX
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Dude.
Don’t give up so easy. You don’t even know what it’s like to spend decades together. It’s work, but it’s worth every fight.
Just sayin’.
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Oh Adam, I am so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you both. Hugs to you honey.
XOXO
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Hugs! Very, very big hugs ….!
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So sorry Adam.
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I’m sorry, Adam.
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Twitter: nualathewriter
says:
adding my name to the outpouring of love coming your way in cyber land. What a bag of crap weasels. ever more hugs. thank you for sharing. you are appreciated.
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xoxo
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i’m so sorry you have to go through this, but i wish you peace through it all.
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you know, i thought up this whole shitty-funny comment, and then I couldn’t post it. What you’re going through just sucks too much. I agree with Hilly, though… feel your feelings, let them course through you and then let them go. It’s OK. It really is going to be OK.
xo
b.
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Oh Adam! Oh… my darling… so sorry. I’m sending you hugs and buckets of love.
Your pain makes me sad. xox
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SHIT! I’m sorry.
Boy I am saying SHIT a lot this morning (cuz clearly this is all about me).
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Sorry for posting this anonymously normally I don’t but for this I will for more my own sake. I can only imagine what it’s like. I myself will be hitting this phase soon. And I will be the instigator and I hate that feeling. But I also hate living a lie and the longer I do it the more I hurt the ones I care about. But I know I will get through it and you will too. The world will not end and eventually the pain won’t be as great as it once was.
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Twitter: an_bhean
says:
Thinking of you, Adam. I wish I could make it hurt less. Hugs.
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Twitter: SwanShadow
says:
Sorry to read this, Adam. Sometimes life sucks.
Just remember, it’s always darkest before it gets really freaking dark. But eventually it gets light again. Even if you have to bring the light by setting something on fire.
You’ll survive. As you can see, tons of people care about you. Including me.
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I kept looking through the comments hoping for a punchline.
Sorry. I know it sucks.
It appears that Marty and I have had similar experiences.
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Oh Avitable
I’m so sorry…I wish I knew what to say other than I’m here for you to offer big interweb hugs?? 
xoxo things will get better!
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Twitter: whyrustalkingme
says:
Shit. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else I could possibly say.
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Twitter: stillcrafty
says:
Damn. I’m sorry Adam. Sending you both some good thoughts.
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Everything happens for the best. It was a hard call to make, and you made it. For that, I respect you. Your future will be much brighter and more positive from this decision…
If the house feels too empty, give Britt a call and tell her to bring her kids, than it will fill up real quick, am I right?
Stay strong!
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
*agape*
Ignore my last tweet…sorry, hadn’t stopped by in a few days.
This makes me very sad. I hope to still see you a few times this spring and summer and that you’re in good health and good spirits regardless.
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You know there are no words… I’m sorry.
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So very sorry to read this news, Adam. Strength and peace to you both.
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Oh, wow! I thought you were talking about your parents with the 33 years reference.
What a bummer. Each year, I hear about more and more divorces of friends I know and/or whom I come to know through my blog and you know what? It scares me. Terrifies me. Makes me paranoid for my own marriage and I don’t even know the details of why.
However, with your heart, I know you wouldn’t do this though without much thought, soul searching and heart break. I hope you and Amy find happiness and peace. I wish you both the best.
~Scout
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The northern branch is sad to hear the news.
Anything we can do, anytime , we’re here.
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Tripe!
Considered a delicacy among old school Avitables
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Sad.Face! & ouchies. The dying of dreams scares me pretty bad. I’m sorry you two are in this place of hurt. I’ve seen couples split and go on to find people who are even better for them. While it seems a bit premature to wish for that, it’s one of the better upsides I could possibly imagine to such a scenario.
*hugs*
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I went through this last March, which was also my birthday month. I had far less time to accumulate feelings and stuff with 4.5 years together, and I’m the one who stayed in the apartment, but reading your blog post reminded me of how I felt that month.
True story: During the month, the ex remarked that her new apartment didn’t have any blinds, so I took her to Target to get some blinds for her windows. While standing in the aisle with a tape measurer, she got a call from the “new guy” she was leaving me for, and proceeded to walk a few aisle away to take the call and giggle. I was left standing there in front of the blinds, wondering why the fuck I was being a nice guy.
I know this is an older post, but my heart still goes out to you sir. And I’m subscribing.
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great look inside ur head. i can relate to this alot
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Twitter: Rad sugar
says:
I thought I’d read a lot of your divorce posts… but I just found this one. Wow.
Beautifully written and so sad I cried. I’m glad you’re in a better place now (January, 2012)… and I’m glad you’ve been so honest about your experiences: it’s really really brave.
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