Happy birthday to me.

Today, I turn 33. I plan on eating an entire grocery store birthday cake, four little ounces at a time. Who’s with me?

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142 Responses to Happy birthday to me.

  1. I stayed up late to be able to be one of the first to tell you HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

    And, d’uh, I love you you gluttonous fuck.

    Reply

    @Sheila (Charm School Reject), Also, if you’re going to gorge on an entire cake, at least make it a Portillo’s Chocolate Cake.

    PS : I think there is supposed to be a comma between those two “you”‘s up there. Meh.

    Reply

  2. Amanda
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy Birthday, love! I hope it’s an awesome one. After all, there’s nothing better than grocery store birthday cake

    Reply

    @Amanda, Portillo’s Chocolate Cake is WAY better than grocery store cake. Just sayin’….

    Reply

  3. corrin
    Twitter:
    says:

    Enjoy! Isn’t anyone throwing you a Sadie Hawkins or anything?

    Reply

  4. Happy Birthday!

    As my gift to you, imagine me kissing girls in front of you.

    (That’s all Patrick gets as bday gifts.)

    Reply

  5. I’ll do it! Just make sure you have 911 on speed dial for the diabetic coma I’m sure I’d lapse into afterward!

    Happy Happy Birthday to the 33rd power!

    Reply

  6. josie says:

    happy cake eating day. i will celebrate your birthday by having some leftover tiramisu my italian neighbor made for my birthday yesterday.

    Reply

  7. Lynda says:

    Oh, a good excuse for me to eat something sweet and pastry like! (I can’t eat a whole grocery store cake anymore.)

    Happy birthday!!!

    Reply

  8. PandoraWilde says:

    Happiest of birthdays–and watch those portion sizes! But enjoy every bite too!

    Reply

  9. Dave2
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy Birthday!

    I’m eating ice cream.

    Reply

  10. My weakness is cake, so hand over a fork! Happy 33rd! xo

    Reply

  11. Tracy Lynn
    Twitter:
    says:

    I live in Seattle, so it’s still January 25th. You’ll just have to wait til my post goes up sometime after 1AM.

    I already ate my cake. I could eat yours too. I have the technology. NOM.

    Reply

  12. Laurin says:

    Happy Birthday! Sometimes I order a Publix chocolate cake with peanut butter buttercream frosting, just because. So I’m with you.

    Reply

  13. Adina says:

    Happy birthday! Have a great day. Enjoy yourself.

    Reply

  14. Oooh I love riddles!!!

    Is it…. Um…. Give me a hint!

    Reply

  15. Lisa
    Twitter:
    says:

    I’m in – pass the cake!

    Happy Birthday :)

    Reply

  16. SwanShadow
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy birthday, Adam!

    If given the choice between cake or death, choose death.

    I mean, cake.

    Man, I hope you didn’t announce your choice before reading to the end of this comment.

    Reply

  17. B.E. Earl
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy Birthday! I don’t normally do cake, but I’ll make an exception. Especially if it’s grocery store cake! The best cake ever!

    Reply

  18. Ashleigh
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy Birthday!
    Of course I’ll eat cake with you. Grocery store birthday cakes are the best for birthday comas.
    We’ll be naked though, right?

    Reply

  19. Rachel says:

    Happy Birthday mister! Hope you enjoy every drop of your 4 oz!

    Reply

  20. Sandi
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy Birthday Adam! I will seek out cake in your honour

    Reply

  21. Dan says:

    Happy Birthday!

    I’d share the cake, but it’d be stale by the time it got here, so eat up for me.

    Reply

  22. Karl
    Twitter:
    says:

    I’m totally in, dude. Cake is therapy. I mean that in a totally decadent way, not a promoting-food-issues kind of way.

    Happy Birthday.

    Reply

  23. fogspinner says:

    happy birthday Adam. As long as it’s not chocolate I’m with you. I like pink champagne though.

    Reply

  24. Kris says:

    Fuck yeah. Gimme cake! (As long as it’s not chocolate…in which case I’d just eat the frosting anyway.)

    Reply

  25. I vaguely remember 33. Grocery store birthday cake? Dude. You totally deserve better than that.

    Reply

  26. ugh, you are YOUNGER than me.

    Have you’re friggin cake, and eat it too!

    Happy Birthday xo

    Reply

  27. ugh, you are YOUNGER than me.

    Have your friggin cake, and eat it too!

    Happy Birthday xo

    Reply

  28. chickenliver says:

    One bite of cake, one bite of ice cream….

    Happy Birthday, kiddo.

    Reply

  29. Zoeyjane
    Twitter:
    says:

    I could get on board with that. Happy Birthday!

    Reply

  30. MariaV says:

    Happy Birthday, Adam! I will join you for cake.

    Reply

  31. just-beth says:

    I am glad that you were born. How ’bout that?

    I hope you enjoyed your cake and got to eat it, too.

    xoxo

    b.

    Reply

  32. Yay! I’m sure to win our bet that way! Course, that might make you have the trots. This could backfire.
    Happy Birthday! Hope you don’t shit yourself!

    Reply

  33. teebopop says:

    I’m in. I did it for my birthday on the 19th. Should have shared but I’m a bitch when it comes to sharing a chocolate cake …

    Reply

  34. Valerie says:

    Enjoy your day! Happy birthday! Publix has great specialty cakes. Yum. Virtual calories are the easiest to lose- you made it too easy to say yes!

    Reply

  35. Mocha says:

    I’ll shove several ounces of crap into my mouth today and think of you being born. So, basically, I’ll be chewing while thinking of you crowning in your mom’s vagina.

    Reply

  36. LeSombre
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy Birthday! I already had a truckload of cupcakes. That counts, right?
    ;-)

    Reply

  37. Happy Birthday, m’dear! You enjoy every single bite of that birthday cake! Wish I could help you celebrate.

    Reply

  38. SciFi Dad
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy Birthday.

    However, is it just me or did you not say something about eating too much + your lap band = prolific vomit? Uh I’ll pass on the pukapalooza.

    Reply

  39. GrandeMocha
    Twitter:
    says:

    Does it have chocolate frosting? Chocolate cake NEEDS chocolate frosting. Happy Birthday!

    Reply

  40. kapgar
    Twitter:
    says:

    I’m with Sheila on the Portillo’s Chocolate Cake! Come on up and we’ll treat!

    Happy birthday, man.

    Reply

  41. Send me your address and I’ll come eat cake with you! Seriously.

    And Happy Birthday, for the 3rd time! (posted to your facebook and Twitter too, heh)

    Reply

  42. bubblewench
    Twitter:
    says:

    WOOHOO for 33! That’s a great year! At least it was for me. Happy Birthday! Hope you enjoy your cake.

    Reply

  43. fidget says:

    Happy Birthday! Damn it man, now I want cake

    Reply

  44. Toni
    Twitter:
    says:

    ¡Feliz cumpleaños!

    Joyeux anniversaire!

    Alles gute zum Geburtstag!

    Buon compleanno!

    I think that should cover it :) Have a good one, friend!

    Reply

  45. Dawn says:

    Happy birthday, Adam. I hope you have a great day, one full of love, laughter, and cake. Oh, you’ve already got the cake part covered. Good job, man!

    Reply

  46. Jules says:

    Happy Birthday Adam! Hope your day is fantastic. Enjoy that cake!!

    Reply

  47. Dude, I would totally risk illness and ignore my celiac’s for quality birthday cake!!! Maybe at 4 oz at a time I could handle it! Happy birthday man!

    Reply

  48. Nenette says:

    happy birthday, sweetheart. big hugs and big kisses. wish I could actually be there to partake in your yummy grocery store cake.

    much love xoxo

    Reply

  49. noraisins says:

    Happy Birthday Adam. I don’t have any cake here at work, but I will eat these chocolate Pop Tarts in your honor.

    Reply

  50. Nat says:

    All about cake!

    Happy Birthday… wishing all the best this year.

    Reply

  51. Grant says:

    I like how you take a week away from blogging, return with some maudlin bit, and get well over 150 comments for it. If you were a better writer, you could be the next Dooce. :p

    Oh, I meant happy birthday.

    Reply

  52. Finn
    Twitter:
    says:

    Is this a Publix cake? With pudding in the middle? And buttercream frosting? Save me some!

    Happy Birthday!

    Reply

  53. Funny Girl says:

    Happy 33!!!! welcome to the club… too bad I don’t get to stay in the club too much longer

    Reply

  54. NYCWD
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy Birthday!

    Did you get that social security check yet? Must be nice…

    Reply

  55. Sarcastica says:

    MMM birthday cake! I’m with ya! In fact, if I weren’t so broke I would go buy a cake and eat it in your name. But, pay day isn’t til Thursday and I don’t think Matt would let me buy a whole cake just to eat by myself :( what a pooey.

    But anyways, know that I am eating a cake with you in theory, just not literally. My ass would not forgive me :P

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

    Reply

  56. Miss Grace says:

    Today is the day that only the most awesome people are born. Have an amazing day.

    Reply

  57. Loukia
    Twitter:
    says:

    Me me me me me!!!!!! Oh, I could so eat an entire cake. In fact, I have been known to eat entire large pizzas from Pizza Hut, too. It’s a true story. Maybe we should have an ‘eat-off’ at BlogHer ’10? What do you say? You game? I’d kick your ass! ;)

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re way funnier than I am, and you’re younger than me, too! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    Reply

  58. BusyDad says:

    Happy birthday! [something witty about cake]!! I’m sick today and my brain isn’t working like I want it to. Best wishes, young man.

    Reply

  59. o happy day!
    you were the first thing i thought of this morning.
    i’m so thankful you were born!

    Reply

  60. Karen says:

    Happy Birthday. I can’t eat cake 4oz at a time with you because that sugar would be me in a coma, but I will do a shot tonight in your honor.

    Reply

  61. Laurie says:

    Happy Birthday from Big D! (nope, not my bra size)

    Kidding aside, hope you have a great day Adam!

    Reply

  62. Dammit. I’m old enough to be your mother.

    Mmmmmm. Forbidden Cake.

    Reply

  63. Sybil Law says:

    Happy Birthday!
    I WISH I could share that cake with you.
    Enjoy!!
    xoxo

    Reply

  64. DeannaBanana says:

    Happy Birthday Adam- I hope it is wonderful.

    Reply

  65. Colleen says:

    Best way to enjoy a birthday cake…slowly! Enjoy.

    Reply

  66. Ann says:

    Happy Birthday Adam. I must admit though I thought you were much older Hmmmm

    Reply

  67. shiny
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy birthday!

    In lieu of cake I was thinking of getting you something else. But your blog will probably filter out comments with links in them. So — do a YouTube search of “walrus” and “fellatio.” (Although I’d be shocked if you haven’t already seen this one.)

    You know, maybe cake would have been a better idea…

    Reply

  68. Charissa says:

    Wishing you a year of peace, joy, love and luck. And cake.

    Reply

  69. suze says:

    Happy birthday Adam. Wishing you only good things for the coming year.

    Reply

  70. cat says:

    Happy Birthday, Adam! I have a huge sweet tooth, so I’ll go for any excuse to eat candy. I’ll eat some cake over here in recognition of your day!

    Reply

  71. greg t says:

    Happy Fucking birthday old man. Cake huh. That will shoot a hole in your diet. Why don’t you eat something with no calories… I akm sure you could think of someone.. er I mean something sorry..

    Reply

  72. Penelope says:

    Happy birthday! I’ll take wine over cake so you’re welcome to my share!

    Reply

  73. MB says:

    I’m still trying to work of the last 30+ years of birthday cake off my ass so I will celebrate your birthday with 4 little ounces of vodka at a time, ok?

    Hope you have a great 33rd birthday 4 little ounces at a time.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM!!!

    Reply

  74. mommymae says:

    you’re finally as old as me. enjoy your cake. i wish i had a cake. now i’m gonna go make a chocolate cake. damn.

    Reply

  75. Shannon says:

    Happy Birthday! I tried to eat an entire sheet cake one birthday when I was living the single ladies life and the consequences were rather dire the next time I visited the ladies room.

    Just sayin’

    S

    Reply

  76. What? No balls? I thought I was getting balls. I’ve become accustomed to the balls, and now.. Did you say cake?

    Happy birthday, Adam. Enjoy your day, and your cake.

    Reply

  77. @marymac says:

    There is nothing better than grocery store birthday cake. Except: grocery store bithday cake NAKED. Enjoy it! ;)

    Reply

  78. @marymac says:

    There is nothing better than grocery store birthday cake. Except: grocery store birthday cake NAKED. Enjoy it! ;)

    Reply

  79. Fuck I’m old. And on that note, Happy Berfday!!!

    <3 Stacey

    Reply

  80. kateanon
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy birthday! No Cake for me, but I’ll find something sweet to have on your behalf.

    Reply

  81. Grant says:

    お誕生日はおめでとうございます。

    Reply

  82. Sarah says:

    Happy Birthday! I made cake just for you! (well I made it for me, but how about it eat in your honor?)

    Reply

  83. Robin
    Twitter:
    says:

    Mmmmmmmmm, cake! Oh, and Happy Birthday!

    Reply

  84. miss zilch says:

    Happy Birthday!!! Hope it is a great and wonderful pantsless day!

    Reply

  85. Happy Birthday Adam! My teeth started aching at the thought of all that sugar, but, hey, it’s your day. Do what makes you happy:)

    Reply

  86. First time here, and what timing!!

    Happy Birthday!! You sure are one popular fellow!

    Reply

  87. Mari says:

    Happy Birthday! Now, I have to say, don’t eat that crappy cake. Go get yourself a REAL cake from a decent bakery. You deserve a good cake! :)

    Reply

  88. Hockeymandad says:

    After you finish it and are on a sugar high, you should do a “Clearly You’re Retarded” show, that would be kooky.

    Happy Birthday.

    Reply

  89. I’ll help out by eating all the frosting. Happy day and cheers, Adam.

    Reply

  90. Beth says:

    Hope your day has been fabulous…..is the cake all gone?

    Reply

  91. Becca
    Twitter:
    says:

    Happy bday!! I have enjoyed reading you for the last two years, so there’s a ((hug)) for you! Enjoy the cake, all four ounces at a time!! :)

    Reply

  92. Mr Lady
    Twitter:
    says:

    If you don’t eat it faster, I’m totally going to finish it for you.

    Happy birthday, baby!

    Reply

  93. Happy Birthday to you!!! Yikes, and I just realized I’m almost two years older than you. Ick!!

    Reply

  94. Happy birthday! You know, I’ve always had a weird little crush on you. If I were 10 years younger …. never mind. I’d still be gay. :)

    Reply

  95. Poppy
    Twitter:
    says:

    I had cake last night!

    Happy belated, since I seem to have totally FORGOTTEN all about it. ;)

    Reply

  96. Mary Jo says:

    Happy belated Birthday! I would love some cake. I want my own though!

    Reply

  97. pixielation says:

    Happy belated birthday! My internets was broken, otherwise I would have been here.

    Reply

  98. moosh in indy.
    Twitter:
    says:

    i’m late but no less sincere.
    happy birthday. 4 oz at a time.

    Reply

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