Most people are predicting that Apple’s big announcement today will likely be the “iSlate”, a tablet that should have an expanded version of the iPhone OS and touchscreen capabilities. Those people are WRONG. My sources tell me that one of the following products will be the one actually unveiled today:
- iShirt – made from eco-friendly fibers with wrinkles that can be smoothed with a simple touch of a finger. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
- iSore – no idea what it does, but it’s ugly as hell. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
- iNinja – this product is essentially invisible, only showing up occasionally to kick you in the face and then disappear again. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
- iToilet – the seat’s touchscreen capabilities allow you to quickly see when the last shit was that you took, what the consistency and fiber content was, and what the last time was that your dog or cat drank from the toilet. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
- iSkapades – another unknown, but it’s very, very gay. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
- iGun – this aerodynamic, sleek little pistol boasts an impressive hard drive and a state-of-the-art integration system that will incorporate all bullets and guns into one BFG. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
- iBong – the bubbles are more consistent, the air is much smoother, and Apple’s quick grocery snack section of
chips, cookies, and olives deliver everything right to your mouth without requiring any more effort. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
I know whatever the product is, I’m sold. I’ll take two of them!
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Can’t go wrong with any of these products, especially if you like music, movies and iTunes.
Seriously, I’m going to buy an iGun and send it to Wayne and set it so it plays AC/DC’s “Shoot To Thrill” on repeat.
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
GAH! You forgot about iToast!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
It’s definitely an iDontcare.
(weeping…because, I really DO care)
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iCan’tSleep. I invented it.
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I don’t care what it is as long as it also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
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I’m going to pretend like I’m swass and have insider info, which I do, but it has nothing to do with my swassness and more to do with my husband’s employment…part of the announcement is that they are terminating AT&T’s exclusive rights to the iPhone…yay for better carriers and cheaper plans! Woot!
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I think it will be iVibrate – allows you to monitor your orgasms. It also plays music, takes photos of the genitals to share with the internet, and plays full-length high definition porn movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
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@MariaV, I like it.
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
, January 27th, 2010: 2:05 PM
@MariaV, sign me up!
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
From what I’ve read, the iShirt will only be 1080p in XXL and above. The XL versions will be 720p only. I’m holding out for the iShirt 2.
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iLove. It. illustrative.
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Twitter: nualathewriter
says:
Bwa ha ha! iNinja. Made me laugh so hard. Nothing like a product that can both deliver a junk punch AAAANNNDD take pictures, etc…
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The main problem I have with iProducts is that they won’t automatically import Asian porn. That would be so much better for when I’m on the treadmill – walking and whacking at once. What great cross-training!
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iComment
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Whatever it is, I’ll get it months later in Canada, and for about 30% more money.
I’ll still get it.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
iCat – plays music, videos, takes pictures, and barfs on the neighbor’s carpet. That’s what I want.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
, January 27th, 2010: 2:39 PM
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, OK. Just saw the headline. It’s an iPad. Please, that’s not a tablet computer, that’s a menstrual product that plays music, videos, and takes pictures. Pictures of what, you ask? Why, of your nethers.
Next up, iTampon! Don’t even ask me what it will do, you don’t want to know.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
, January 27th, 2010: 3:00 PM
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, Haha, I thought the same thing. iPad. What a horrible name. iSlate would have been so much better.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
oh my fuck, i need the ishirt. will take 14 so i don’t have to do laundry all the damn time. although i have claimed wrinkles as my “signature look” i am really just too damn lazy to iron. the ishirt is perfect for me! yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, apple!
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Oooooh I hope it’s iNinja!!!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Where’s the iFuck? It’s a vibrator that hits both the g-spot and the clitoris, spins around, tells you how beautiful and sexy you are and lets you come first. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
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Twitter: thegoddesscher
, January 27th, 2010: 2:07 PM
@Finn, and it respects you in the morning!
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iVibrator anyone?
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@Peau, with hi def porn!
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iDontwannahearit.
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I’ll take a number 1, 3, 5, 6 & 7.
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Twitter: lceel
says:
iCondom.
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Way to goIT IS CALLED A IPAD NOT ISLATE!
i Stll love you even though
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I looove this post! Ridickerous!
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That iToilet sounds SICK!
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If you get two can I borrow one for a while? You know, so I can write the iMakeShitTonsOfMoney app for it.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
It was the iPad… the iPad . I can’t believe you didn’t come up with that one. You must be so disappointed.
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If I had an iNinja I would rent it out like a timeshare and never have to work again.
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I really wanted it to be iSore!!
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haha! Great stuff!
–joe
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