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Apple’s new product launching today

Most people are predicting that Apple’s big announcement today will likely be the “iSlate”, a tablet that should have an expanded version of the iPhone OS and touchscreen capabilities. Those people are WRONG. My sources tell me that one of the following products will be the one actually unveiled today:

  1. iShirt – made from eco-friendly fibers with wrinkles that can be smoothed with a simple touch of a finger. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  2. iSore – no idea what it does, but it’s ugly as hell. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  3. iNinja – this product is essentially invisible, only showing up occasionally to kick you in the face and then disappear again. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  4. iToilet – the seat’s touchscreen capabilities allow you to quickly see when the last shit was that you took, what the consistency and fiber content was, and what the last time was that your dog or cat drank from the toilet. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  5. iSkapades – another unknown, but it’s very, very gay. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  6. iGun – this aerodynamic, sleek little pistol boasts an impressive hard drive and a state-of-the-art integration system that will incorporate all bullets and guns into one BFG. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  7. iBong – the bubbles are more consistent, the air is much smoother, and Apple’s quick grocery snack section of
    chips, cookies, and olives deliver everything right to your mouth without requiring any more effort. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.

I know whatever the product is, I’m sold. I’ll take two of them!

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35 Replies to “Apple’s new product launching today”

  1. Kisha Floren

    I’m going to pretend like I’m swass and have insider info, which I do, but it has nothing to do with my swassness and more to do with my husband’s employment…part of the announcement is that they are terminating AT&T’s exclusive rights to the iPhone…yay for better carriers and cheaper plans! Woot!

  2. MariaV

    I think it will be iVibrate – allows you to monitor your orgasms. It also plays music, takes photos of the genitals to share with the internet, and plays full-length high definition porn movies that can be purchased on iTunes.

  3. Grant

    The main problem I have with iProducts is that they won’t automatically import Asian porn. That would be so much better for when I’m on the treadmill – walking and whacking at once. What great cross-training!

  4. hello haha narf

    oh my fuck, i need the ishirt. will take 14 so i don’t have to do laundry all the damn time. although i have claimed wrinkles as my “signature look” i am really just too damn lazy to iron. the ishirt is perfect for me! yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, apple!

  5. Finn

    Where’s the iFuck? It’s a vibrator that hits both the g-spot and the clitoris, spins around, tells you how beautiful and sexy you are and lets you come first. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.

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