Interviews with Dead Celebrities, a book by Adam Heath Avitable

My Interviews with Zelda Rubinstein and J. D. Salinger

Zelda Rubinstein from "Poltergeist"
Zelda Rubinstein from “Poltergeist”

Zelda Rubinstein, the creepy old midget lady known best for her role in Poltergeist I, II, and III as Tangina Barrons, died yesterday at the age of 76. I took a minute to sit down with her.

Me: Hi, Zelda, thanks for agreeing to this short visit. I was sorry to hear about your death.

ZR: There is no death. There is only a transition to a different sphere of consciousness.

Me: Well, yes. But there’s still a corpse. Anyways, let me ask you a tiny question.

ZR: Ahem. Go right ahead.

Me: Do you feel like your roles in the Poltergeist films dwarfed the rest of your career?

ZR: Are you doing this on purpose?

Me: Doing what on purpose? I’m a little confused.

ZR: Why do you keep doing that?

Me: I think you may be a teensy weensy bit wrong.

ZR: There! You did it again! You keep mocking my size!

Me: I would never do something like that. That’s awfully immature of me.

ZR: Oh, okay, I may have just overreacted.

Me: It’s okay. You just have a short fuse. A little, tiny, fuse.

ZR: Gah! I’m going into the Light. There is peace and serenity and no assholes like you in the Light.

Me: Midget.

ZR: Fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuu…….

In addition to Zelda Rubinstein, the extremely reclusive author of “The Catcher in the Rye”, J. D. Salinger, passed away yesterday at the age of 91. I was granted an exclusive interview with this amazing author:

Me: Mr. Salinger, thank you for speaking with me in the first interview you’ve given since 1981, 29 years ago.
Me: Umm, hello?
Me: Why are you just sitting there staring at me?
Me: You’re creeping me out, old man!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

15 thoughts on “My Interviews with Zelda Rubinstein and J. D. Salinger”

    1. @avatgardener, AnywayS????? you used anywayS ??? good thing I just had the back of my neck shaved cause the hair (that WAS very long) would have stood up straight!! I guess that is one of my peeves.

  1. i don’t know who saliger but OMG That lady is sooooooooooo creepy shit I love it! You should have told her to gow up and not be midget or that she was name for a game on nintendo lol!

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