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Baby doll sugar honeypie

I always hear Britt use “honey” on the phone with many people. Karl calls every person in the world and, I’m convinced, random objects he encounters, “babe”. Turnbaby doesn’t go a half hour without calling someone “sugar”.

I understand why people do this. It gets repetitive to use someone’s name over and over again when you’re talking to them. I mean, here’s an example:

Nickname-less: “Britt, I understand that you want to punch me in the port, but you know, Britt, that’s going to hurt, and it might make me cry. And, Britt, we all know that even though you talk a tough game, you hate to see me cry.”

Nickname-full: “Babe, I understand that you want to punch me in the port, but you know, fucker, that’s going to hurt, and it might make me cry. And, Britt, we all know that even though you talk a tough game, you hate to see me cry.”

See? Much better!

I’ve decided I need a new sobriquet to use with people when I talk to them. “Fucker” works well in some situations, but if I’m trying to be sympathetic or comforting, “I’m sorry your cat just died, fucker” just doesn’t have the right ring to it. I’ve eliminated “sweetie” and “sweetheart” for having baggage associated with them, I can’t use “dear” because I’m not your 90-year old Great Aunt Mabel, and I can’t say “honeychile” without doing a little finger snap and head/neck weave, and that’s just too much work.

Instead of spending copious hours unpacking, working, or masturbating, I’ve researched possible nicknames and finally narrowed it down to ten choices. Each of these is a viable nickname for my daily interactions with people, but I can’t choose.

Leave your vote in the comments. Whichever word gets a majority of votes will be my new term of endearment!

  1. Buttercup
  2. Darling (but pronounced “Dahlink”)
  3. Hotpants
  4. Princess
  5. Munchkin
  6. Cuteness
  7. Tits
  8. Pumpkin
  9. Bunny
  10. Twinkles

Thanks, honeychile.

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89 Replies to “Baby doll sugar honeypie”

  1. Nina the slackmistress

    Oh god, I call people “Hotpants” constantly. It’s because I can’t remember names.

    I told my younger brother I’d buy him drinks/dinner if he called every service person “captain.” As in “thanks, captain!” “Another martini, captain.” It’s a classic, and I release it to you.

    Take care of it, hotpants.

  2. Karen

    I do this all the time – and to be honest, it is because I never remember names! My go tos are Babe, Muffin, Sweetness, Chief and Hot Stuff. They all have different connotations and there just are some people who are Chiefs and not Muffins, you know?

    For you I suggest Darling or to go off the list, Hot Stuff.

  3. Sarcastica

    You can call me whatever you want cuteness 😉 lmfao!!! But seriously…I’d say…hmmm…
    Well I still like “I’m sorry your cat died, fucker” I’m sure if you used it in an gentle tone, it would be alright!

  4. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    And here I felt all sorts of special.

    I guess I’m just a lab rat.

    I think it’s always better to use a variety of terms of endearment.

    My personal ones are hot stuff, babe, baby, honey, jerk face, butthead, slut and darlin’.

    I don’t get what the “darlink” is supposed to be.

    I vote for variety.

    Or fucker.

  5. SingleParentDad

    I see no problem with fucker, if it’s your term of endearment. If you mean it affectionately, why not use it in the more sedate sentences? Go with the flow dude, I use ‘trouble’ quite a bit, when swearing really isn’t applicable. Whatever works for you dude.

  6. Jay

    I call all men “dude” and all women “babe.” I’ve been told “babe” isn’t a good word to use, but oh well.

    I say go with “princess.” That seems like the one that will piss the most people off.

  7. JD at I Do Things

    When I was a kid, I read a series of books about young teens learning life lessons. One character was a Southern belle who unironically called everyone “Honey bunny.” But she used it in a real fake, superficial way, like, “Why, honey bunny ah didn’t think you-all would be upset!” For some reason, this imaginary voice stuck in my head, and I’ve had the misfortune of calling people “honey bunny” ever since.

    So even tho it isn’t on your list: I choose “honey bunny.”

  8. Tara R.

    ‘Tits’ made me laugh because it reminded me of Tits McGee… can’t really see you as a ‘Ron Burgundy’ impersonator though. Being from the South, I vote for pumpkin – or punkin. My favorite term of endearment – butt-faced monkey boy – didn’t make the list.

  9. martymankins

    Tits works well because it places you up there alongside George Carlin.

    But each one of your videos, you start off by saying “hey fuckers” which I consider that to mean you like each and every one of us (except Margalit, of course)

  10. Hockeymandad

    Buttercup. Only if it annoys her the most though, that’s what should win.

    For fun though, we should all go somewhere and use nothing but pet names for each other. When I was on road trips for hockey, we wold do this and it really freaked people the fuck out. It makes for great entertainment.

    You forgot kitty-muffin and puppy-cakes. Nice post though, pumpkin.

  11. Stephanie

    Well, hells. I call everyone ‘dear’ or ‘babe’, so I’m not much help. I’ve been called Tits more times than I care to count. Kids are ‘munchkin’…’Buttercup’ just sends me straight to The Princess Bride.

    Fuckit – go with Twinkles.

    You gonna call some bad-ass dude ‘Hotpants?’ Ballsy.

  12. Melinda

    Ok, Hotpants for most things, but pumpkin, not punkin, for most condenscending conversations. “Listen pumpkin, I know you think you’re great, but in reality, you’re an ass.” It soooo softens the blow…

  13. Miss Britt

    Sorry, my mother and I have already claimed “Dahlink”.

    And I’m kind of appalled how many people voted for Buttercup, knowing you’re going to be using this with your FRIENDS and not a significant other. Honestly, if you ever call me Buttercup I will probably punch you.

    I don’t think men can get away with using pet names the way women can anyway. It just comes off as overly affectionate or creepy.

  14. Jared

    Dude, if you call me buttercup, you better have a peanut butter cup to give me, or I’ll have Britt punch you.

    You can always do the classic and add a suffix to the end of everyone name. Ex: Britter

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