Divorce 101
Welcome to Divorce 101 here at Avitable's School of Higher Learning. Hopefully, each of you did your reading over winter break. If not, your assignments are to read "You Can't Have 'Divorce' Without an 'Orc'" and "Top Ten Ways Not To Get Ripped Off By The Pawnbroker Buying Your Wedding Ring" and write a paper discussing the thematic elements in each book and how they compare to and contrast with the philosophy present in Plato's Republic.
I don't have a syllabus ready because I was too busy trying to buy all of those little things you need for your home that you don't think about, like coasters or salt and pepper or a toilet brush. So instead, I've decided just to quickly outline the next 12 weeks so that you can be properly prepared for each lesson. Remember, I grade on a curve, but you will lose or gain points based on the caliber, attractiveness, and IQ of your rebound final exam.
DIVORCE 101, BY DOCTOR ADAM HEATH AVITABLE
LESSON #1: DISHES
Problem: Doing dishes sucks. I hate that chore more than anything else in the world.
Old Married Solution: Wait until they pile so high that spouse does them.
New Divorced Solution: Use paper plates.
LESSON #2: TELEVISION
Problem: Part of the fun of watching comedies is laughing with other people.
Old Married Solution: Save comedies to watch with spouse.
New Divorced Solution: Record yourself laughing on your computer and make your own laughtrack.
LESSON #3: LAUNDRY
Problem: It's inordinately difficult to put dirty laundry anywhere other than the exact spot where you took it off.
Old Married Solution: Laundry fairy flits around, picking up dirty socks and underwear and placing them in clothes hampers.
New Divorced Solution: Buy 60 pairs of socks, 60 pairs of underwear, and re-use shirts and pants. Once every two months, rent a small backhoe and push laundry pile into laundry room.
LESSON #4: MEALS
Problem: I don't like to cook and I don't like going out to eat alone.
Old Married Solution: Go out for dinner 5 nights a week and order in the other two.
New Divorced Solution: Microwave two hot dogs covered in cheese and smother in mayo. Total prep time: 1:45.
LESSON #5: SLEEPING
Problem: I have nightmares of creepy little girls and huge spiders.
Old Married Solution: Scream until spouse wakes up and calms you down.
New Divorced Solution: Only sleep in 20-minute increments every two hours so that you achieve sleep without ever going into a dream state.
LESSON #6: SHARING
Problem: It's a stress relief to share the details of your mundane day.
Old Married Solution: Tell spouse about your day in detail.
New Divorced Solution: Blog.
LESSON #7: COMFORT
Problem: There's a distinct difference in the feel of an empty house vs a house with someone else living there.
Old Married Solution: Spouse is present.
New Divorced Solution: Rent your new home out as a glory hole for 50-year old queens.
LESSON #8: ZOMBIE ATTACK
Problem: Zombies are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Pick a defensible room and cover each other's backs until spouse gets bitten, then kill spouse and then self.
New Divorced Solution: Get bitten, join the zombies and become King of Zombies.
LESSON #9: NINJAS
Problem: Ninjas are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Show you are a man of honor by defending spouse, gain respect of ninja clan.
New Divorced Solution: Demand ninja respect by dropping pants and praying that Asian small penis stereotype is true.
LESSON #10: GEEKINESS
Problem: You are a giant geek who reads comic books and has action figures.
Old Married Solution: Embrace your geekiness completely because spouse has already committed.
New Divorced Solution: Rent two homes. One for dates that demonstrates a home of a well-adjusted, normal 33-year old man, and one that nobody sees with 43 Batman statues, a full-size Yoda replica, and lightsabers.
LESSON #11: DRESSING
Problem: You have no idea how to dress.
Old Married Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Spouse is stuck with you.
New Divorced Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Someone out there will see you as a project!
LESSON #12: CHOKING
Problem: There is always a risk of choking when eating any type of food.
Old Married Solution: Make sure spouse knows CPR.
New Divorced Solution: Limit diet to soup and ice cream to avoid any possibility of choking and asphyxiating alone on your kitchen floor.
And that's it for today's class. I'd teach more, but I somehow have more chores I need to do even though there's only one of me! See you next week when we'll also explore why it's not proper for a man to refer to himself as a "divorcee".
Posted in 
Hugs and stuff. : )
Reply
@Kim, thanks – this was totally all about humor, though.
Reply
((hug))
Reply
@Miss Grace, did you just cop a feel? I thought so!
Reply
This is excellent. Just one question: will this be on the test?
Reply
@BOSSY, yes, but it's open book.
Reply
Suck it up, big boy. You won't melt.
Reply
@metalmom, this IS sucking it up! Now if I could just find a laundry fairy . . .
Reply
We need to plan a pity, I mean friendly, dinner with you very soon.
Reply
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], I agree. One of these nights in the next couple of weeks, we should do that.
Reply
Many a truth has been said in jest!
Divorce, BTDT. Paper plates ROCK!
Reply
@Maven, it was either that or buy new dishes every week.
Reply
Completely concur with #11. Hopefully, it won't be the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy that takes you on as their pet project.
Then again…*daydreams*
Reply
@CP, are you kidding? I'd love that!
Reply
My big problem is socialization. Still after a year and a half.
Eating out alone/going to the movies alone doesn't bother me. It allows me to get out there. Sometimes I feel weird sitting by myself, but that's what the bar is for.
And seriously, I would totally want to meet the guy with the Batman, Yoda, lightsaber room, especially if we could play with the toys, and they weren't just for looking at.
Reply
@Lynda, I'm blessed with amazing friends who live locally, and that's been a huge plus.
Reply
Oh, and Lesson #7 doesn't sound quite as bad as moving back in with your parents. I never thought I would see that day….
Reply
@Lynda, I don't know – try the glory hole thing first before you make that decision.
Reply
@Avitable, That will probably be in June.
Reply
You could always just call me and we could watch the shows together. Then, during commercial breaks, you could explain to me why it was so funny to you because I'm sure I won't get the joke.
Paper plates are awesome and now a staple in my house. It took me a long time and lots of hours spent scrubbing off dried on food from three days ago to have this epiphany. Luckily, I don't give a shit about global warming.
You should set up a webcam of you sleeping and insist that your friends keep their laptops by their beds so that if you wake up screaming they can yell at you to STFU and go back to sleep, you big baby.
Reply
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), you won't rock me to sleep and pat my head? Pfft.
Reply
@Avitable, If you move to Chicago I will.
Reply
You're so brave. Keep it up. And this was funny, yo.
Reply
@Faiqa, I'm glad it was funny – that was the whole point!
Reply
Aw, Shcmoopie…
Reply
@Grumble Girl, what? I'm okay.
Reply
The choking thing was the first thing I thought about when my boyfriend moved out.
It's the reason why I always stand near a chair when I take my multivitamins — I never know when I might need to impale myself on it.
Reply
@Jenn, I just keep a large dildo around so I can kick in my gag reflex.
Reply
You know my divorce was FINALLY finalized on January 28th … a year and 3 months after I filed. I moved in with my parents to basically answer most of the lessons above. No divorce is simple, but I hope your divorce is faster and easier than mine.
Reply
@Red Lotus Mama, it will be final in May, 120 days after we filed. I'll still be learning a ton of lessons, I'm guessing. Oh, and congrats!
Reply
@Avitable, Wow … yours happens so quickly! CA law makes you wait 6 months. There is so much to learn about divorce, yourself, relationships, life. It's exhausting!
Reply
Where was your fucking guide about not getting ripped off by the pawnbroker a year and a half ago, you asshole?
Um…a friend is mad about that.
Reply
@MFA Mama, oops.
Reply
Dude the image of your hot dogs still grosses me out haha all that mayo, ugggh
Reply
@Breigh, it's soooo good. Right now I'm eating bacon and mayo.
Reply
I'm afraid of pawnbrokers so I chose the "rip the diamond out of your ring and make it a necklace since you paid for it anyway" option.
Hang in there.
Reply
@Lisa, I'll make it into a nipple ring.
Reply
The mayo on the hot dogs disturbs me on many levels.
Reply
@Amanda, you're missing out.
Reply
Some girls like lightsabers. Just sayin'.
Reply
@Kellee, well, true. But I don't know if Sarah Silverman does.
Reply
@Avitable, Oh I bet Sarah totally does. Think about it.
Reply
I am a bit behind in my reading so I am really behind on the goings on in the world of my blogger friends. Sorry to read this, hope things work out. (gosh that sounded lame, but heartfelt nonetheless)
Reply
@miss zilch, I've been behind, too, so hopefully nobody's died in the blogosphere that I know. And thank you.
Reply
Dude….. you need a house keeper, namely someone like me. I was a chef, so I can cook. I am head of a green cleaning company, so I can clean. I am a derby girl, so I can fight off my own Ninjas and Zombies no prob….. and I eat mayo on my hot dogs too. (thought I was the only one to do that.) No way I'm admitting to my Star Wars fetish here though….oops! Plus I am already married, so I will go the hell home at the end of the day and leave you alone! Bonus!
Reply
@Blondefabulous, too bad you live so far away!
Reply
Choking, as you know, is my biggest fear. I am *convinced* that it's how I am going to die, haha. Sooooo, that one I totally get. Except, I am a total rebel who thrives on popcorn and nuts, death be damned!
Also, yeah…the adjustment period is hard but I cannot *wait* to see your take on this in about six months to a year.
Reply
@Hilly, you're a daredevil!!
Reply
Glad to see you've kept your sense of humor.
Wait – this is humor isn't it?
Reply
@Dan, it is, although some commenters might be reading more into it.
Reply
Mmm. I like mayo on hot dogs too. Delicious! The rest of my family thinks I'm strange…
Reply
@Robin, obviously, you're the normal one!
Reply
Downright delicious and disturbing descriptions of dealing with divorce, dirty duds, dishes, dining and disaster.
Reply
@avatgardener, and drama!
Reply
Hmmmmm. I never ever thought of the choking thing when I was on my own.
Thank you for scaring me retrospectively.
Reply
@Nanna, you're welcome. Retrospectively.
Reply
So… if I visit, I should just stay elsewhere?
Reply
@Sybil Law, what, you don't like lightsabers?
Reply
The Ninja one is my favorite!
Glad to see you still have a sense of humor. Divorce can be a BITCH. Hang in there, dude.
Reply
@Ashlie- Mommycosm, I'm definitely retaining my sense of humor. I got it in the divorce, but I have to share laughs every other Thursday-Sunday.
Reply
See…I miss ONE post and then this post makes me realize I haven't been paying attention. Sorry, Adam. I hope you're as well as can be. I've certainly been there and, like you, tried to make light of it when I could. In fact, I think I even had a post titled Divorce 101 or something very similar. (My lawyers will contact you re: possible copyright infringement.)
I'm glad you see you have some things planned out. We must always be prepared for zombies!
Reply
@bo, it's okay – not something I plan on talking about too much here unless I can mine it for comedy. But wait – "TRIED" to make light of it? Fucker.
Reply
You are so funny. Single guys don't use coasters or toliet brushes.
Reply
@GrandeMocha, I don't want to be one of THOSE single guys. Besides I have an honorary vagina.
Reply
Adam,
I'm so sorry it took me forever to get up to speed,we have had a few family illnesses and I have been out of the loop(and ironically in Lady Lake,FL.)I just discovered your news and well,I'm truly sorry. Good news is flirting with you won't seem so shameful. Honestly Adam, I wish you all the happiness this life has to offer.
xxJenn
Reply
@Jennifer, thank you. And flirting should never be shameful.
Reply
This is good to know, I assume one day I will run away from my husband to stalk Kevin Spacey and he will then realize I am actually THAT lame and leave me.
Reply
@Robin, he'll likely just be disappointed that you still don't realize that Kevin is gay!
Reply
@Avitable, that's neither here nor there.
Reply
lesson ten is a good one
Reply
@elle, I know – isn't part of dating hiding who you really are?
Reply
i think that the right girl should embrace all your toys.
Reply
@Mandi Bone, well, yeah, that's true.
Reply
Dishwasher dude, dishwasher. And I have – very recently – started using twitter to decide what I need to wear.
Reply
@Ian, I have one, but I hate washing stuff to put in there!
Reply
@Avitable, That's a myth!!! You do NOT have to wash your dishes before the dishwasher does. Finish eating, drop in the dishwasher. No scraping, no rinsing required. (Oooh, and if you use those cute little dishwasher tabs, you don't even have to measure the soap.)
Reply
When I lived alone I told my sister it was hear responsibility to check in with me once a day to make sure I hadn't chocked to death. The dying part is easy, it's the not being found for a week part that bothers me.
And it's nice to know that in the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse that you will be better off divorced. King of the Zombies isn't so bad.
Reply
@B.E. Earl, that's what I was thinking. King of Zombies is a lot of responsibility, but worth it.
Reply
@Avitable, I'd be more comfortable as Prince of the Zombies, someone like 4th in the line of succession. Or Jester of the Zombies.
Heavy is the head that wears the undead crown.
Reply
Thank you so much. No I understand all the little tricks my spouse has been using against me. Vengeance shall be mine!
Reply
@Hockeymandad, I have a shovel if you need it. Sorry, Ang.
Reply
Today is one year since my wife left so your humor is quite useful. Here is a hint. My wedding ring was stolen by burglars so I got full value from the insurance company. I had been planning on throwing it in a volcano which would have cost me money. Oh, and my rebound is incredibly hot, younger, and very smart. I'm getting an "A."
Reply
@Dave, hmmm, that's an interesting idea.
Reply
"New Divorced Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Someone out there will see you as a project!"
THIS is so true. God bless ya in the world of dating…and better you than me. I'm not near as nice as you.
Reply
@Darla, I'm not nice at all!
Reply
@Avitable, This is what you try to tell everyone, but your friends are ruining your reputation.
Reply
I just celebrated the 20th anniversary of the day I left my ex! It was hard at first, but I’m the better for it.
Hang in there!
Reply
@Employee No. 3699, thanks.
Reply
You could probably garner more sympathy as a widower than a divorcee. Plus which it seems like disappearing a body is far less trouble than divorce.
Reply
@Grant, hm. Want to come down to Orlando and bring a shovel? (ATTENTION POLICE: I AM JOKING AND WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY HURT AMY IN ANY WAY.)
Reply
i love living alone, but that damn choking thing is a bitch. only happened once and it is fortunate that i am not graceful (i tripped and impaled myself on a railing, accidentally giving myself the heimlich).
dude…get a dishwasher and knock it off with the paper plates. or change your attitude about doing dishes. i used to fist fight my siblings over dish duty and now i actually enjoy it. ask britt…i'm forever trying to do dishes at her place (but i get yelled at coz it is devin's job).
Reply
or i could move in and do the laundry & dishes. as long as i was allowed to snuggle with yoda.
Reply
@hello haha narf, c'mon down. Yoda is all yours.
Reply
You had me at glory hole.
Reply
@Finn, I usually do.
Reply
@Avitable, That's you?
Reply
Marie Callender's frozen dinners. Just microwave them and eat them with a plastic fork while standing over the sink looking into the backyard. Then, when you're through toss the plastic tray they come with and your fork in the trash. There! You ate an actual "dinner" and the kitchen is clean.
Reply
@Jay, see? You're obviously skilled at this. Genius!
Reply
Having just seen a picture of your breakfast, I'd say you don't need to worry about this stuff because you're gonna die from eating undercooked pork. So there's that.
Reply
@Tracy Lynn, it was cooked fine. Just microwaved.
Reply
Soup-wise, you might consider eating consumme' – or maybe puree' your soups – to be extra certain you won't choke. Just trying to be helpful.
Reply
@Janer, maybe I could just inject it directly into my stomach.
Reply
Oh sure, Adam, introduce the possibility of a nasty infection due to "#3 Laundry" above creating unclean conditions. That'll be better than choking.
Reply
solution: friends! we love to help out!
wait. the internet totally screws with that concept.
huh. ok. if you get your mitts on a teleportation device, and share it with me, I will so take care of *some* of that stuff. I can bring your dishes back through to my dishwasher and then back clean again. I can bring you a piece of chocolate zucchini bread i just made. I can bring you freshly rolled joints so laughing alone isnt so bothersome after we laeave(and makes the hotdogs taste sooo much better.) You could come over for dinner; I eat alone too, my husband travels a bit. We need a fucking teleportation device. Thats all.
shit.
Reply
@leel, or just get in your car and start driving!
Reply
@Avitable, we will be flying into FL for a couple days in a month. Careful what you wish for!
Reply
um, ok, 2 more things.
1)your initials are A.HA? for real that might be the best initials ever. A-HA! this may be a sign from the universe. you might be my god now. are you the messiah? (never hurts to ask)
2)maybe we should eat dinner over skype together. then, if either of us starts to choke we can call the other persons local 911 so as to avoid dying on ones floor. and eating alone. imagine if we each brought our laptops to a restaurant and ate alone but on skype?! HI-LARIOUS.
ok, i need to go now.
chin up, buttercup!
Reply
@leel, wait, aren't you married?
Reply
@Avitable, you may have missed the *husband travels* part
Reply
I may save this lesson for times of deployment. Which is a whole different level of suck. Not only is your spouse not around, but you're not free to cozy up to someone else either.
Reply
@Stacey, well, "free" is a relative term.
Reply
Who needs well-adusted? Give me Batman! Bring me Yoda! I'll take a purple lightsaber please.
Reply
@Beth, ooh, you want my purple lightsaber, do ya?
Reply
@Avitable, Wave it around in front of me and see if I don't grab it.
Reply
The dish problems and laundry problems were the worst at first.
I solved the laundry problem by 1. living in one room; 2. lining the walls of that room with a hamper for every single color group of clothing, so I never had to sort laundry EVER. With a hamper no less than six feet away from me at any given time, I actually made it to a point where throwing it on the floor wouldn't have been much easier. If you don't want your next date to think you're a slob, a row of these in white will hold together with the embedded magnets without assaulting anyone's eyes too badly:
http://www.containerstore.com/shop/laundry/hampers?productId=10025355
I solved the dish problem with the Intermediary Dish Bin (IDB). I have a giant Tupperware bin. After I eat, I rinse my dish and throw it in there so the sink doesn't ever get too full to allow the rinsing of the NEXT dish, which means I can go FOREVER without washing dishes, since I have a lot of them. That little step has changed my life; mainly, my life smells a lot better now!
It took time, but I slowly climbed out of squalor, and yeah, found myself a toilet brush, too. Hang in there, and godspeed.
Reply
@Jen the Trephinist, Thanks to you I am now trying to figure out just how much money I can feasibly spend on laundry hampers without my husband going ape shit. Maybe I should just get a divorce….I could write on divorce forms "irreconcilable differences over laundry hampers" and the judge would see these awesome things and he'd let me win and I could take him for everything he has.
Reply
@Sheila (Charm School eject), I was very poor at the time, but the expense was still so worth it. I have four of the white ones (white/khaki! red/pink! medium colors! darks!) in a row along one wall, and not only do they ensure that I never have to sort laundry EVER, but they also look nice enough that I don't feel embarrassed leaving them there when guests are around, provided no actual dirty underwear is showing. The magnets are a nice touch, because they're always lined up all perfect-like.
When one of them starts getting full, I just perch it on my hip and walk downstairs to the laundry room–no basket needed. I was once the worst laundry slob imaginable, and now every single piece of clothing I have is organized with zero effort. I repeat: so worth it!
If you have a closet, you could get something much cheaper that still has several compartments. But I knew I would never open the closet and bother with it. Yes, I really am that lazy.
Reply
@Jen the Trephinist, That is such a good idea – seriously. Now I must work on beating the husband into submission. Of course, he should be all over this since it's really him that's "really that lazy". Because I, of course, am perfect.
Reply
@Jen the Trephinist, jeez, and I was just going to hire a housekeeper!
Reply
@Jen the Trephinist, I love those – will have to order them!
Reply
Oh, wait, I just read that you have a dishwasher. Nevermind, LAZY-ASS.
Reply
@Jen the Trephinist, you don't have a dishwasher? I thought this was the 21st century and we all had dishwashers and robot maids and hovercars.
Reply
@Avitable, I don't even have a garbage disposal! I live in one of those "charming" type places full of radiators and crown molding and obsolete keyholes. I love it, but it has definitely required some … innovation, with my housekeeping habits.
Reply
Damn, wish I would have read this nine years ago. You should have it published into some sort of manual.
Reply
@Zakary, have you read "The Trephinist" who commented above? She should be the one writing a manual!
Reply
When I got divorced, I was frealed by the quiet, empty house. This was my solution: I got a cat and a fifth of Jack Daniels.
Reply
@Judy, I just listen to Taylor Swift all day long.
Reply
@Avitable, If I did that, I would need TWO bottles!
Reply
Oh, make that "freaked"
Reply
YAAAY! FINALLY!
Retweeting my comment from yesterday when I couldn't leave one HERE:
I laughed loudly several times while reading it. And you forgot to address the part about eating the hot dog alone.
Reply
@Poppy, wait, what? Hot dog what? I forgot.
Reply
#1 Dishes – Teach your kids to load the dishwasher. In your case, borrow Britt's.
#2 Television – This is not a problem. You now have the remote to yourself and you don't have to watch any more of that stupid (fill in show you hated which was loved by your ex) anymore.
#3 Laundry – Again, in my case, teach the kids to do laundry. In your case, use the drop-off service at the laundromat.
#4 Food – Learn to use your crockpot. Or order pizza a lot.
#5 Sleeping – Buy a body pillow. Or an inflatable girl.
#6 Sharing – Rent some kids. Or spend a lot of time on Facebook.
#7 Comfort- Get some kids. Or some pets.
Seriously, I think almost all of your "lessons" could be solved by hiring a housekeeper (which could also solve the comfort problem, for the right price) and adopting some kids. Or I could loan you mine.
Funny post.:)
J.
Reply
@HoosierGirl, I'm thinking about the housekeeper.
Reply
I see the first few comments were hugs, so I'll deliver a cyber kick to the crotch instead. Out of love, of course.
Reply
@muskrat, awww, so sweet. Love you too baby.
Reply
I don't test well at all. I'm screwed!
*hugs*
Reply
@Elizabeth Kaylene, I grade on a curve.
Reply
@Avitable, So you'll bump me up to an 80 when I get a 50, right?
Reply
This really made me laugh. Good thing divorce hasn't made you lose your sense of humor! I definitely agree about the dual house thing for dating…maybe you could create one of those walls that's brick on one side and then when you push it it spins around and reveals all your weird dolls and shit on the other side! genius.
Reply
@Alyssa, that is a genius idea!
Reply
Wow, my heart goes out to you brother.
I am 6 months past a break-up after 6 years. My son (2 1/2) gets me through it. He causes most of the dishes though, I think he needs to start washing them.
I haven't turned on the stove in 6 months. The microwave is my friend.
I hadn't thought about the choking thing. No you have me freaked out.
Reply