I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Divorce 101

Welcome to Divorce 101 here at Avitable’s School of Higher Learning. Hopefully, each of you did your reading over winter break. If not, your assignments are to read “You Can’t Have ‘Divorce’ Without an ‘Orc'” and “Top Ten Ways Not To Get Ripped Off By The Pawnbroker Buying Your Wedding Ring” and write a paper discussing the thematic elements in each book and how they compare to and contrast with the philosophy present in Plato’s Republic.

I don’t have a syllabus ready because I was too busy trying to buy all of those little things you need for your home that you don’t think about, like coasters or salt and pepper or a toilet brush. So instead, I’ve decided just to quickly outline the next 12 weeks so that you can be properly prepared for each lesson. Remember, I grade on a curve, but you will lose or gain points based on the caliber, attractiveness, and IQ of your rebound final exam.

DIVORCE 101, BY DOCTOR ADAM HEATH AVITABLE

LESSON #1: DISHES

Problem: Doing dishes sucks. I hate that chore more than anything else in the world.
Old Married Solution: Wait until they pile so high that spouse does them.
New Divorced Solution: Use paper plates.

LESSON #2: TELEVISION

Problem: Part of the fun of watching comedies is laughing with other people.
Old Married Solution: Save comedies to watch with spouse.
New Divorced Solution: Record yourself laughing on your computer and make your own laughtrack.

LESSON #3: LAUNDRY

Problem: It’s inordinately difficult to put dirty laundry anywhere other than the exact spot where you took it off.
Old Married Solution: Laundry fairy flits around, picking up dirty socks and underwear and placing them in clothes hampers.
New Divorced Solution: Buy 60 pairs of socks, 60 pairs of underwear, and re-use shirts and pants. Once every two months, rent a small backhoe and push laundry pile into laundry room.

LESSON #4: MEALS

Problem: I don’t like to cook and I don’t like going out to eat alone.
Old Married Solution: Go out for dinner 5 nights a week and order in the other two.
New Divorced Solution: Microwave two hot dogs covered in cheese and smother in mayo. Total prep time: 1:45.

LESSON #5: SLEEPING

Problem: I have nightmares of creepy little girls and huge spiders.
Old Married Solution: Scream until spouse wakes up and calms you down.
New Divorced Solution: Only sleep in 20-minute increments every two hours so that you achieve sleep without ever going into a dream state.

LESSON #6: SHARING

Problem: It’s a stress relief to share the details of your mundane day.
Old Married Solution: Tell spouse about your day in detail.
New Divorced Solution: Blog.

LESSON #7: COMFORT

Problem: There’s a distinct difference in the feel of an empty house vs a house with someone else living there.
Old Married Solution: Spouse is present.
New Divorced Solution: Rent your new home out as a glory hole for 50-year old queens.

LESSON #8: ZOMBIE ATTACK

Problem: Zombies are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Pick a defensible room and cover each other’s backs until spouse gets bitten, then kill spouse and then self.
New Divorced Solution: Get bitten, join the zombies and become King of Zombies.

LESSON #9: NINJAS

Problem: Ninjas are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Show you are a man of honor by defending spouse, gain respect of ninja clan.
New Divorced Solution: Demand ninja respect by dropping pants and praying that Asian small penis stereotype is true.

LESSON #10: GEEKINESS

Problem: You are a giant geek who reads comic books and has action figures.
Old Married Solution: Embrace your geekiness completely because spouse has already committed.
New Divorced Solution: Rent two homes. One for dates that demonstrates a home of a well-adjusted, normal 33-year old man, and one that nobody sees with 43 Batman statues, a full-size Yoda replica, and lightsabers.

LESSON #11: DRESSING

Problem: You have no idea how to dress.
Old Married Solution: Don’t bother learning how to. Spouse is stuck with you.
New Divorced Solution: Don’t bother learning how to. Someone out there will see you as a project!

LESSON #12: CHOKING

Problem: There is always a risk of choking when eating any type of food.
Old Married Solution: Make sure spouse knows CPR.
New Divorced Solution: Limit diet to soup and ice cream to avoid any possibility of choking and asphyxiating alone on your kitchen floor.

And that’s it for today’s class. I’d teach more, but I somehow have more chores I need to do even though there’s only one of me! See you next week when we’ll also explore why it’s not proper for a man to refer to himself as a “divorcee”.

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141 Replies to “Divorce 101”

  1. Lynda

    My big problem is socialization. Still after a year and a half.

    Eating out alone/going to the movies alone doesn’t bother me. It allows me to get out there. Sometimes I feel weird sitting by myself, but that’s what the bar is for. 🙂

    And seriously, I would totally want to meet the guy with the Batman, Yoda, lightsaber room, especially if we could play with the toys, and they weren’t just for looking at.

  2. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    You could always just call me and we could watch the shows together. Then, during commercial breaks, you could explain to me why it was so funny to you because I’m sure I won’t get the joke.

    Paper plates are awesome and now a staple in my house. It took me a long time and lots of hours spent scrubbing off dried on food from three days ago to have this epiphany. Luckily, I don’t give a shit about global warming.

    You should set up a webcam of you sleeping and insist that your friends keep their laptops by their beds so that if you wake up screaming they can yell at you to STFU and go back to sleep, you big baby.

  3. Jenn

    The choking thing was the first thing I thought about when my boyfriend moved out.
    It’s the reason why I always stand near a chair when I take my multivitamins — I never know when I might need to impale myself on it.

  4. Red Lotus Mama

    You know my divorce was FINALLY finalized on January 28th … a year and 3 months after I filed. I moved in with my parents to basically answer most of the lessons above. No divorce is simple, but I hope your divorce is faster and easier than mine.

  5. Blondefabulous

    Dude….. you need a house keeper, namely someone like me. I was a chef, so I can cook. I am head of a green cleaning company, so I can clean. I am a derby girl, so I can fight off my own Ninjas and Zombies no prob….. and I eat mayo on my hot dogs too. (thought I was the only one to do that.) No way I’m admitting to my Star Wars fetish here though….oops! Plus I am already married, so I will go the hell home at the end of the day and leave you alone! Bonus!

  6. Hilly

    Choking, as you know, is my biggest fear. I am *convinced* that it’s how I am going to die, haha. Sooooo, that one I totally get. Except, I am a total rebel who thrives on popcorn and nuts, death be damned!

    Also, yeah…the adjustment period is hard but I cannot *wait* to see your take on this in about six months to a year. 🙂

  7. bo

    See…I miss ONE post and then this post makes me realize I haven’t been paying attention. Sorry, Adam. I hope you’re as well as can be. I’ve certainly been there and, like you, tried to make light of it when I could. In fact, I think I even had a post titled Divorce 101 or something very similar. (My lawyers will contact you re: possible copyright infringement.)

    I’m glad you see you have some things planned out. We must always be prepared for zombies!

  8. Jennifer

    Adam,

    I’m so sorry it took me forever to get up to speed,we have had a few family illnesses and I have been out of the loop(and ironically in Lady Lake,FL.)I just discovered your news and well,I’m truly sorry. Good news is flirting with you won’t seem so shameful. Honestly Adam, I wish you all the happiness this life has to offer.
    xxJenn

  9. B.E. Earl

    When I lived alone I told my sister it was hear responsibility to check in with me once a day to make sure I hadn’t chocked to death. The dying part is easy, it’s the not being found for a week part that bothers me.

    And it’s nice to know that in the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse that you will be better off divorced. King of the Zombies isn’t so bad.

  10. Dave

    Today is one year since my wife left so your humor is quite useful. Here is a hint. My wedding ring was stolen by burglars so I got full value from the insurance company. I had been planning on throwing it in a volcano which would have cost me money. Oh, and my rebound is incredibly hot, younger, and very smart. I’m getting an “A.”

  11. Darla

    “New Divorced Solution: Don’t bother learning how to. Someone out there will see you as a project!”

    THIS is so true. God bless ya in the world of dating…and better you than me. I’m not near as nice as you.

  12. hello haha narf

    i love living alone, but that damn choking thing is a bitch. only happened once and it is fortunate that i am not graceful (i tripped and impaled myself on a railing, accidentally giving myself the heimlich).

    dude…get a dishwasher and knock it off with the paper plates. or change your attitude about doing dishes. i used to fist fight my siblings over dish duty and now i actually enjoy it. ask britt…i’m forever trying to do dishes at her place (but i get yelled at coz it is devin’s job).

  13. Jay

    Marie Callender’s frozen dinners. Just microwave them and eat them with a plastic fork while standing over the sink looking into the backyard. Then, when you’re through toss the plastic tray they come with and your fork in the trash. There! You ate an actual “dinner” and the kitchen is clean.

  14. leel

    solution: friends! we love to help out!
    wait. the internet totally screws with that concept.
    huh. ok. if you get your mitts on a teleportation device, and share it with me, I will so take care of *some* of that stuff. I can bring your dishes back through to my dishwasher and then back clean again. I can bring you a piece of chocolate zucchini bread i just made. I can bring you freshly rolled joints so laughing alone isnt so bothersome after we laeave(and makes the hotdogs taste sooo much better.) You could come over for dinner; I eat alone too, my husband travels a bit. We need a fucking teleportation device. Thats all.

    shit.

  15. leel

    um, ok, 2 more things.
    1)your initials are A.HA? for real that might be the best initials ever. A-HA! this may be a sign from the universe. you might be my god now. are you the messiah? (never hurts to ask)

    2)maybe we should eat dinner over skype together. then, if either of us starts to choke we can call the other persons local 911 so as to avoid dying on ones floor. and eating alone. imagine if we each brought our laptops to a restaurant and ate alone but on skype?! HI-LARIOUS.

    ok, i need to go now.
    chin up, buttercup!

  16. Jen the Trephinist

    The dish problems and laundry problems were the worst at first.

    I solved the laundry problem by 1. living in one room; 2. lining the walls of that room with a hamper for every single color group of clothing, so I never had to sort laundry EVER. With a hamper no less than six feet away from me at any given time, I actually made it to a point where throwing it on the floor wouldn’t have been much easier. If you don’t want your next date to think you’re a slob, a row of these in white will hold together with the embedded magnets without assaulting anyone’s eyes too badly:

    http://www.containerstore.com/shop/laundry/hampers?productId=10025355

    I solved the dish problem with the Intermediary Dish Bin (IDB). I have a giant Tupperware bin. After I eat, I rinse my dish and throw it in there so the sink doesn’t ever get too full to allow the rinsing of the NEXT dish, which means I can go FOREVER without washing dishes, since I have a lot of them. That little step has changed my life; mainly, my life smells a lot better now!

    It took time, but I slowly climbed out of squalor, and yeah, found myself a toilet brush, too. Hang in there, and godspeed.

    • Sheila (Charm School eject)

      @Jen the Trephinist, Thanks to you I am now trying to figure out just how much money I can feasibly spend on laundry hampers without my husband going ape shit. Maybe I should just get a divorce….I could write on divorce forms “irreconcilable differences over laundry hampers” and the judge would see these awesome things and he’d let me win and I could take him for everything he has.

      • Jen the Trephinist

        @Sheila (Charm School eject), I was very poor at the time, but the expense was still so worth it. I have four of the white ones (white/khaki! red/pink! medium colors! darks!) in a row along one wall, and not only do they ensure that I never have to sort laundry EVER, but they also look nice enough that I don’t feel embarrassed leaving them there when guests are around, provided no actual dirty underwear is showing. The magnets are a nice touch, because they’re always lined up all perfect-like.

        When one of them starts getting full, I just perch it on my hip and walk downstairs to the laundry room–no basket needed. I was once the worst laundry slob imaginable, and now every single piece of clothing I have is organized with zero effort. I repeat: so worth it!

        If you have a closet, you could get something much cheaper that still has several compartments. But I knew I would never open the closet and bother with it. Yes, I really am that lazy.

  17. Poppy

    YAAAY! FINALLY!

    Retweeting my comment from yesterday when I couldn’t leave one HERE:

    I laughed loudly several times while reading it. And you forgot to address the part about eating the hot dog alone.

  18. HoosierGirl

    #1 Dishes – Teach your kids to load the dishwasher. In your case, borrow Britt’s.
    #2 Television – This is not a problem. You now have the remote to yourself and you don’t have to watch any more of that stupid (fill in show you hated which was loved by your ex) anymore.
    #3 Laundry – Again, in my case, teach the kids to do laundry. In your case, use the drop-off service at the laundromat.
    #4 Food – Learn to use your crockpot. Or order pizza a lot.
    #5 Sleeping – Buy a body pillow. Or an inflatable girl.
    #6 Sharing – Rent some kids. Or spend a lot of time on Facebook.
    #7 Comfort- Get some kids. Or some pets.

    Seriously, I think almost all of your “lessons” could be solved by hiring a housekeeper (which could also solve the comfort problem, for the right price) and adopting some kids. Or I could loan you mine.

    Funny post.:)
    J.

  19. Alyssa

    This really made me laugh. Good thing divorce hasn’t made you lose your sense of humor! I definitely agree about the dual house thing for dating…maybe you could create one of those walls that’s brick on one side and then when you push it it spins around and reveals all your weird dolls and shit on the other side! genius.

  20. Corey

    Wow, my heart goes out to you brother.

    I am 6 months past a break-up after 6 years. My son (2 1/2) gets me through it. He causes most of the dishes though, I think he needs to start washing them.

    I haven’t turned on the stove in 6 months. The microwave is my friend.

    I hadn’t thought about the choking thing. No you have me freaked out.

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