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Ways to make the Super Bowl more exciting

Last night I was over at Britt’s for a Super Bowl party. During the six or so hours I was there, I may have inadvertently watched two or three minutes of actual football. And other than that Google ad (awwwww), I didn’t really see much worth getting excited over.

So I thought I’d write a little message to NFL about ways to try to spice up the Super Bowl for those of us who don’t watch football but still go to Super Bowl parties.

Dear National Football League Super Bowl Rule Guys,

While it’s fun and all to watch people chase each other around on a big field and cheer for half of them because they’re wearing a different color than the rest, maybe there’s a way to make it even more exciting! I would suggest adding one of the following options to the game:

  • Football/live grenade switcheroo every four downs.
  • Quarterback gets to have sex with the wives of the entire defensive line every time he throws a completed pass.
  • In the fourth quarter, snow machines are turned on and everyone plays in skis.
  • Ninjas.
  • Instead of throwing penalty flags, refs get to give the offending player a wedgie.
  • Grandstanding and showboating are sniperable offenses.
  • Script the game, just like wrestling. Bring back Randy “Macho Man” Savage.
  • Losing team has to get real jobs

If you could listen to me and the millions of other people out there who don’t live vicariously through a team of random people because they are currently being paid a ridiculous salary to stay in some geographic location that resonates with us, and make a few of these changes, I’d really appreciate it!

Love and kisses,

Adam Heath Avitable

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49 Replies to “Ways to make the Super Bowl more exciting”

    • Avitable

      @Amanda, I don’t get why people have “their team” either. Unless you went to school there, the fact that you lived somewhere shouldn’t really have anything to do with a team that is contractually and financially obligated to wear your city name. It’s not like they do it because they’re from that area too.

  1. Hockeymandad

    It’s special because of what it means to the city of New Orleans. If you’re not a fan of either team, the game itself is boring. The ninjas were there though. If you were one, you’d have seen them.

    This year will be one heck of a Mardi Gras…

    • CP

      @Hockeymandad, I’m a fan of Peyton Manning (not necessarily the Colts). I’m a diehard Giants fanatic. But, I loved the fact that NO won tonight. The city needed their spirits lifted after these last few years of tragedy. It was nice to see it happen for them. Oh, to be in New Orleans this week…WOW!

      • Hilly

        @CP, I’m with you there. Football is not my sport of choice however I really like that New Orleans won…a little because they needed it and a little because my ex-husband is from Indianapolis, ahem.

  2. bbg05

    I like the ninja idea. Just imagine the added excitement you’d have if there was the possibility of getting a throwing star to the throat at any random moment in the game. That would be sweet.

  3. Lynda

    I do not understand some of the terminology you have used, such as “quarterback”, “defensive line”, “refs”, “penalty flags” and “football”.

    This is probably partly why I don’t get invited to SuperBowl parties.

  4. CP

    If I was not the huge football fan that I am, I would LOVE this list. However, being a diehard football fanatic, I hope you will forgive me for the obligatory “fuck you”.

    Heh. Nuttin’ but love for ya, Adam! But you are a bit of a girl. LOL

  5. Sybil Law

    That google commercial was great – and cheap to make! Also, Betty White was awesome.
    I really didn’t give a crap this year, either (and I’m aware that you never do)! Ninjas are always fun! I do like the sniper idea, though.

  6. GrandeMocha

    I’m from Detroit so I’ll never really know what it is like to have a team in the Super Bowl. I think the Lions players should serve beer & nachos at the game.

  7. Grant

    Before you mail that, add in my suggestions for land mines and that the ball should be placed on the 50 yard line and all the players should have to run from their end zone to retrieve it and then charge through the enemy line to score a touchdown in the opposing end zone. Think of the battle scenes in Braveheart for a visual.

  8. Dawn

    I didn’t watch a second of it. I was reading a really great book instead. So thank you for posting that Google ad, otherwise I’d never have known about it, and it’s the sweetest thing ever.

  9. Nobody™

    I’m with you on not understanding the fascination with watching random people play a silly game involving a ball. It doesn’t make one damn bit of sense to me.

    All these cities that spend millions pandering to these fuckhead would be better off using that money to actually help improve their cities. And the douchebags that pay a ton of money to sit in the cold and watch the game can give that money to a charity that helps those less fortunate than them. It’s ridiculous.

    Besides, I read a study recently that determined that the average NFL game has only 11 minutes of action, the rest is guys standing around scratching their testicles. We can see that right here on your blog.

  10. Elizabeth Kaylene

    I don’t understand why people who don’t watch football attend or host Super Bowl parties. Football is sacred and should not be tainted by people looking for an excuse to drink their face off (I’m looking at you, next door neighbor of Mike’s)!

  11. harmzie

    I totally misread that as “losing team has to get handjobs”, and was thinking that would make it worse as everyone would be trying to lose and that would just drag things out.

    That quarterback one might drag the game out a little too. I like the skis one.

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