Every year, the Olympic Committee gets hundreds, if not thousands, of applications for new sports to be considered for inclusion. And each year there are a few new sports that just make you scratch your head, like curling and speed walking – can you imagine the ones that actually get rejected? Here are just a few of this year’s rejections for the Winter Olympics:
Ice Fishing
Each participant is given a case of beer, a saw to cut a hole in the ice, and a fishing rod. The event lasts as long as it takes the fastest athlete to drink all of his or her beer. The gold medal goes to the participant with the highest beer drank/fish caught average. Anyone who passes out is disqualified.
Drifting
Athletes are provided a 1994 Ford F-150 and compete down a four-mile road. Along the sides of each road are high snowdrifts. Behind these snowdrifts are drop-offs into deep ditches. The winner is the competitor who can successfully drift into each snowdrift without dying by exploding his car.
Nipples
In this co-ed event, athletes are dropped naked into a field of snow, encased in glass. The first one to successfully use his or her nipples to cut said glass and escapes wins the gold.
Urinary Cursive
Male athletes are given a multisyllabic word of at least 8 letters that they must write legibly in the snow using nothing more than a gallon of Gatorade and their penises. Points are given for style, legibility, and flair. Female athletes may either use a small urinary hose or their hand to guide a male volunteer’s penis.
Snow Dash
Participants are seated in a large hot tub, wearing nothing but their bathing suits. When the whistle blows, they must make a 100 yard dash through the 3-foot deep snow to the finish line, delineated by a roaring fireplace.
Pee Pee Dance Relay
Athletes must consume 8 liters of water or Gatorade and subject themselves to a full saltwater enema, then bundle up in eight layers of clothing. When the pistol fires, the competitors must run outside in the snow, build a snowman, throw six snowballs at a target, make a snow angel, and then make it inside and strip off their layers before soiling themselves.
Now these are some events that I’d watch!
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This is just me being lazy.
Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
Pee Pee Dance Relay? I would win the gold medal for that shit.
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@Robin, I’m pretty good at that too!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I’m a big fan of the ladies’ Nipples competition. Helena Titsukova is the odds on favorite to medal, but I wouldn’t count out Magda “Pencil Erasers” Boobuvitch. She’ll poke yer eye out kid!
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@B.E. Earl, don’t forget about Icelandian contender Marj Bo’zangas.
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I would win the nipple contest. No question about it!
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@Twenty Four At Heart, we should make this a real event to see.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
Um, no thanks. Doing the luge in a Miata is more my style.
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@GrandeMocha, you need a Miata first!
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
, February 16th, 2010: 11:44 AM
@Avitable, My dad has 2.
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you know you can’t really cut through glass with your nipples, right?
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@Marta, yup huh.
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I would totally watch those. They’d have to be on after 9, though, so I could party along. Hell – I might even volunteer to do the Urinary Cursive. I’ll bet I’d have talent with that one!!!
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@Sybil Law, I’m sure you would. You’ve handled plenty of penii!
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@Avitable, And how!
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I think I could compete in the ice fishing event. Never really thought I could be an Olympic athlete, but I do now!
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@Jay, I believe in you!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
There is something wrong with you. I like it.
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@Finn, me too.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
i would medal in everything except the pee pee dance.
(what is wrong with me that i really, really want to do the ice fishing? bring on the beer!)
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@hello haha narf, you’d have to actually catch fish too!
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Twitter: Zakary
says:
I compete in drifting here every time it snows and I come home from work. I’m not dead yet, so I guess I would qualify.
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@Zakary, but could you get the gold?
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I think I would win the nipple- they perk up when it’s barely cold out. I’m probably sure if I were naked out in some glass I could cut my way out. Hmmm… I might buy a walk-in freezer to train for this. If nothing else it might be fun to show people at parties!
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@christie, it’s a good party trick, that’s for sure.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
This is going to sound really bad, but the Olympics bore the hell out of me. There, I said it. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the athletes and their dedication, but all the pomp and circumstance makes me YAWN.
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@Faiqa, me too – I’m not a fan.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
I could medal in all but two of these events, and that’s only because I have an overused uterus.
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@Miss Britt, well I did have you in mind for a few of them.
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I would RULE in the ice fishing olympics. **burp** Definitely have plenty of ice fishing practice, being a Mainah and all.
–joe
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@thefinestkindofpork, you should try out – go for the gold!
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
Saltwater enemas? There has to be a story behind your knowledge of saltwater enemas!
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@Lisa, I am a walking encyclopedia. A perverted, hairy, walking encyclopedia.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Oh, I would so win the gold in the Pee Pee Dance Relay. Bubba could win the Poop Dance Relay. You know, bathroom avoidance is a family talent.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, apparently! It’s genetic.
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I’m thinking you could up the ante on any of the above by adding shooting to the mix. You know- like biathlon! And shooting directly at the athletes instead of at targets would make it even more exciting!
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@Meg, guns always make things more fun. Like schools!
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