A Pessimist's Guide to Living Alone
While there are many positives to living alone – cleaning is easier, I'm the only one making a to-do list, no sharing the bed – there are plenty of disadvantages as well. And since this is the first time I've lived alone in 11 years, I'm now aware of the differences. For example:
- It's always your turn to do the dishes.
- You only have yourself to blame when there's something shitty playing on TV.
- When you hear a noise on the other side of the house, it may be a raccoon or a ghost.
- Do you know how hard it is to scratch yourself in that one spot on your back?
- Ninjas
- When you're sitting naked in your living room, watching TV and the doorbell rings, you're the only one getting the door.
- You can only play "Marco" in the pool, and it's not nearly as much fun.
- For the love of GOD, make sure you have toilet paper in the bathroom you're in.
- You have to tell yourself that you don't look fat in those jeans.
- It's either gremlins or you're just too fucking stupid to remember to put your keys in the same place every time.
- There's nobody to talk you out of buying that awesome thing you just saw on late night TV.
- That package of Oreos? You're going to end up eating all of them, by yourself, watching Lifetime.
- The only thing you're going to be snuggling with in bed is a Japanese love pillow.
- Laughing to yourself at the television has gone from cute to kind of creepy in a Unabomber way
- Your fashion disaster will go unnoticed until you actually go into public.
- It's a lot harder to be a secret crossdresser if you have to go out and buy your own lingerie!
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Wait… ninjas are a bad thing here?!?
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@Dave2, well, yeah. Because it takes a two-person defense for proper ninja removal.
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"Laughing to yourself at the television has gone from cute to kind of creepy in a Unabomber way"
I rarely laugh out loud when I'm alone. It's like I have to share my laugh with someone else.
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@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], that's how I am, but when something does make me laugh, I feel creepy!
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If you switch to paper plates and plastic cutlery / cups, you'll never have to do the dishes again. I'm assuming you don't cook anything more difficult than takeout pizza.
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@Grant, this is true, but I do heat up frozen chicken tenders. That uses a pan.
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you can always buy your lingerie online.
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@Mandi Bone, I'm sure he shopped online when he was married. Why would that change?
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@Mandi Bone, pfft. Gotta introduce logic into it, eh?
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Few more for you:
1. There's no one to look at that thing on your leg and tell you if it looks like something that's going to kill you.
2. When you forget to make dinner, there's no one there to take up your slack.
3. There's no one else to tell that really funny joke you heard today.
You're welcome.
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@Trish, for number three, that's what Twitter is for!
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But Komiko is so great to cuddle up with in bed
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@Amanda, I know. James Franco and I love her.
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FOR THE LOVE OF GOD make sure your shower gel is in the shower before you get in.
If someone farts, it's ALWAYS you.
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@Little Miss Sunshine State, and that I have towels near the bathroom too!
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Door frames are great for scratching your back.
And it's definitely gremlins. Don't feed them after midnight.
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@Lynda, and keep them the fuck away from water!
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Dude – get a back scratcher!
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@Robin, it's not the same!
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You shoulda had kids, then split them up so each would have one. You wouldn't be lonely, AND they double as servants and entertainment. BAM.
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@Maria, dammit. Can I have one of yours?
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We know you've hit rock bottom if you get a cat. Or, 20. For the love of GOD, stay away from adopting any cats. We don't want to see you on a future episode of Hoarders.
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@Andria Stanley, But I was just going to recommend he get a cat or 20. Don't be a cat hater.
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@Andria Stanley, well, I WAS considering a cat. Not anymore!
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@Andria Stanley, What's wrong with having a cat? Cats are great companions. They ignore you, just like a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend would. Sometimes they even pretend to listen!
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Lonely living leaves life's leisures less lol!
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@Marta, Loo Lare Lo Lunny!
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@Avitable, hahaha, I bean missing your replies and thought you didn't love us anymore
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When you're sitting naked in your living room, watching TV and the doorbell rings, you're the only one getting the door.
You know you still get it nekkid! Right?
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@themuttprincess, it's always like the Girl Scouts or something when I do that, and then I am branded a sex offender.
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What you need is a Small Wonder. She's fantastic, made of plastic, microchips here and there. She's a small wonder who brings love and laughter everywhere.
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@bo, genius! Are batteries included?
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If you make plans to go somewhere/do something, you don't have to double check that the other person didn't already make plans for you.
No more arguing over the remote control.
If you make the bathroom uninhabitable there is no need to warn anyone to stay out of there for 30minutes
You can have an argument with someone without worrying if you'll wind up sleeping on that couch that always hurts your back.
Hang in there:)
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@thepsychobabble, oh, I know there are positives, but the negatives are funnier.
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the prospect of a menage a trois is even more far-fetched
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@furiousball, ooh, good one.
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I think you need a dog.
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@muskrat, we're sharing custody of ours, but I don't have her at night, which kind of sucks.
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@Avitable, Maybe get your own dog, then? You work from home, so you can totally give it lots of attention during the day when it's not bonding withe the shared-custody one! I'm here to help. See?
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Very comprehensive insight.
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@Valerie, I'm nothing if not full of insight. Or BS. One or the other.
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Uh, I personally would rather there be no one in the house if I run out of toilet paper. Because who CARES if you have to hobble through the bathroom with your pants around your ankles, clenching a little after a thorough shake to avoid any kind of drippage, as long as no one SEES you.
Better THAT than having to ask scream for help and invite someone INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE YOU ARE ON THE TOILET. *shudder*
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@Miss Britt, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
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i just don't answer the door.
also, i'll come down and snuggle with you.
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@hello haha narf, okay – it's a deal. Next time you come visit, you're staying with me!
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Thank goodness for the Internet; you can buy your lingerie online!
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@Finn, I know, right?
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I live alone and laugh out loud at the television all the time, is that weird?
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@AmazingGreis, weird and creepy like the Unabomber – didn't you read my post? Heh.
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You are welcome to borrow my husband from time to time if you like. He's great at the dishes and taking out the trash and telling me I'm pretty.
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@Robin, and how is he at oral sex?
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!!! You have a Kimiko too? It's not just James Franco???
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@ali, no, we are legion.
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Yeah, the toilet paper one sucks!
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@cat, I just know I'm going to forget to check one of these days.
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Soo.. where are the cons?!
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@Sybil Law, hmmm, good point.
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Now that you mention it, it IS kinda creepy when I laugh at the TV while sitting here alone. It's also creepy if I start arguing with the political or sports pundit on TV when I'm here alone.
I never knew I was so creepy.
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@Jay, oh, I knew. But I just didn't want to tell you.
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I laugh out loud at the TV by myself all the time. And books. And the Internet. And in the car. I? Am a funny fucker and not at all creepy!
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@Lisa, you can be funny AND creepy!
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Just be careful of choking on anything. That's the single person's nightmare death scenario. Sleep well tonight.
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@B.E. Earl, This thought saved my marriage before I had kids more times than I care to admit.
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@Faiqa, heh. Was that while you were choking something down?
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@B.E. Earl, that's ever present.
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I sometimes worry about the choking, but I have my special chair where I plan to Heimlich myself. One of the sad things for me is ordering a pizza. Just me and whole pizza seems so, so sad and pathetic.
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@Karen, but oh so delicious!
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I like that you've done both positives and negatives. Know what else is good about living alone? No one can judge you for picking your nose, or for using the bathroom with the door open, or for not making the bed.
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, oh, I still shut the door when I use the bathroom.
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@Avitable, You, my friend, are not truly living!!
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Plus, there's nobody to shame you out of watching incredibly bad TV shows.
WELLLCOME TO WHHEEEEEL OF FORTUNE!
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@Faiqa, hahahaha – shut up.
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i like to laugh out loud when alone. it freaks the dogs out. i love it. HA!
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@leel, poor dogs.
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Damn. I already sent you t-shirt and chocolate, now I have to send you tranny lingerie too??!?! Ugh. Send me your measurements and prefs. I'll hook you up.
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@Nancy, I'm about the same size as Steve. What does he wear?
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@Avitable, Hmmm…He's lost quite a bit of weight and I don't know that your proportions are the same. He's way more leather and you're way more lace anyway. You'll have to come out and we'll get some 2-for-1 deals on custom work.
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@Nancy, sounds like a plan!
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Welcome to alonehood. I've been a member for years. Course, you can always masturbate right in the living room, so there's a plus side.
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@Karl, but what does your mom say about that?
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I'm convinced that unless you leave them in your pocket, keys have the power to just move about on their own. The only way I know they are my keys is because they always end up in the fridge.
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@Badass Geek, they're the fourth most intelligent species after mice and dolphins.
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Nothing like an afternoon of Oreo's with a Meridith Baxter Bierney marathon in nothing but tighty whities.
You should also ask your employees to go buy your lingerie because you pay them to do your bidding and I think it would be a fun gag to creep them out as they picture their boss wearing it. Of course, I am evil.
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@Hockeymandad, well, I'd take it a step further and actually just wear it while I work.
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I adored living alone. After living with another person where it felt like I was living alone, it was nice to stop resenting the other person and rely on myself, become really super responsible. It helped me grow up… and I still live like a kid, but a responsible kid who can take care of myself.
FYI, just cuz someone knocks on your door does not obligate you to answer it.
Cool, huh?
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@Poppy, pfft, you still had Georgie and Allie and Ripley. And I always have to answer the door when someone's there. It's in my nature.
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@Avitable, (I adored no longer living with my spouse. Better?)
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@Poppy, heh. Yes. Even having Jigsaw here all the time would be nice.
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@Avitable, PUPPYNAP!
ok, no
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@Poppy, I would never! I might get a new one, though. Or a robot dog.
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@Avitable, if you're ready for one, I think it's a good idea for you to have a pup to keep you company. Is she coming to the house part-time? If so, maybe they'll be happy siblings.
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@Poppy, not yet, I don't think. Maybe soon. Or a kitty!
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The laundry. Oh, god, the laundry.
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@TheAnyKey, I don't mind it too much sometimes.
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I think I enjoy living alone too much sometimes. My ex (bf at the time) lived with me for just two weeks while waiting for his apt to be ready… I couldn't stand it after 2 or 3 days.
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@Amy, I'm a highly social person, so it's weird for me.
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@Avitable, I am too, but I love the fact that I have my quiet, calm, just the way I like it apartment always waiting for me.
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Doorframes are indeed awesome for scratching – and massage!
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@Al_Pal, I shall keep that in mind!
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Laughing at the TV is one thing…talking to your self AND having conversations is another. Been there, done that.
I’m way too familiar with being by myself. I was used to my husband traveling for work and being home on the weekends, but now that he’s in India? I’m on my own 24/7. Not the same as what you’re going through, but still kind of paddling the same boat.
After reading your list I think it’s high time you got a puppy! And after reading the comments I see you already have a dog that you’re sharing, but I think you need a full time cohort of your own (think of the blog fodder!).
When you hear a noise on the other side of the house, you know it’s the dog; and if its not, the dog will take care of the intruder.
It may be hard to scratch that one spot on your back, but think how happy you’d make your new best friend?
You could name your new dog Ninja…or another Ninja worthy name.
Whilst sitting naked in your living room, your pup could lick your balls and then bark at the door and scare unwanted people away.
You could both splash and ‘doggy paddle’ in the pool together and then spend your time later cleaning hair out of the filter instead of playing a stupid game of “Marco’.
Your new pup may not tell you that you look fat in your jeans, but he’ll lick your ass while you’re trying to wipe it after taking a shi…Never mind.
Instead of buying things you saw on late night TV, you’ll be swiping your MasterCard for Frisbees, Milk-Bones and flea collars…just don’t buy him a sweater, because that’s gay.
That package of Oreos? You can eat them on your own if you choose, but Ninja (or whatever you name him) will gladly share with you.
WTF is a Japanese love pillow? Seriously, I have no clue what that is. Get a dog.
You may be a walking fashion disaster, but it will go unnoticed if you have a cute pup at your side. Chicks go for guys with dogs. You mentioned something in this post about watching LifeTime…have you learned nothing?
You won’t have worry about being discovered as a cross dresser, because your new pup will probably eat your underwear.
See? Problem solved. Well at least the majority of them.
Sending big (Hugs). I know it’s an adjustment, but you’ll survive.
Now I have that 70’s Gloria Gaynor song in my head. Damn you!
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@Employee No. 3699, oh, I know I'll survive. I have no concerns!
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"It's a lot harder to be a secret crossdresser if you have to go out and buy your own lingerie!"
Wait, so are you saying you want a Victoria's Secret gift certificate in your Easter basket? Done.
And BTW, it's a ghost on the other side of the house, not a raccoon.
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@Coal Miner's Granddaughter, fucking ghosts.
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