I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

A Pessimist’s Guide to Living Alone

While there are many positives to living alone – cleaning is easier, I’m the only one making a to-do list, no sharing the bed – there are plenty of disadvantages as well. And since this is the first time I’ve lived alone in 11 years, I’m now aware of the differences. For example:

  • It’s always your turn to do the dishes.
  • You only have yourself to blame when there’s something shitty playing on TV.
  • When you hear a noise on the other side of the house, it may be a raccoon or a ghost.
  • Do you know how hard it is to scratch yourself in that one spot on your back?
  • Ninjas
  • When you’re sitting naked in your living room, watching TV and the doorbell rings, you’re the only one getting the door.
  • You can only play “Marco” in the pool, and it’s not nearly as much fun.
  • For the love of GOD, make sure you have toilet paper in the bathroom you’re in.
  • You have to tell yourself that you don’t look fat in those jeans.
  • It’s either gremlins or you’re just too fucking stupid to remember to put your keys in the same place every time.
  • There’s nobody to talk you out of buying that awesome thing you just saw on late night TV.
  • That package of Oreos? You’re going to end up eating all of them, by yourself, watching Lifetime.
  • The only thing you’re going to be snuggling with in bed is a Japanese love pillow.
  • Laughing to yourself at the television has gone from cute to kind of creepy in a Unabomber way
  • Your fashion disaster will go unnoticed until you actually go into public.
  • It’s a lot harder to be a secret crossdresser if you have to go out and buy your own lingerie!
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103 Replies to “A Pessimist’s Guide to Living Alone”

  1. Trish

    Few more for you:

    1. There’s no one to look at that thing on your leg and tell you if it looks like something that’s going to kill you.
    2. When you forget to make dinner, there’s no one there to take up your slack.
    3. There’s no one else to tell that really funny joke you heard today.

    You’re welcome.

  2. thepsychobabble

    If you make plans to go somewhere/do something, you don’t have to double check that the other person didn’t already make plans for you.

    No more arguing over the remote control.

    If you make the bathroom uninhabitable there is no need to warn anyone to stay out of there for 30minutes

    You can have an argument with someone without worrying if you’ll wind up sleeping on that couch that always hurts your back.

    Hang in there:)

  3. Miss Britt

    Uh, I personally would rather there be no one in the house if I run out of toilet paper. Because who CARES if you have to hobble through the bathroom with your pants around your ankles, clenching a little after a thorough shake to avoid any kind of drippage, as long as no one SEES you.

    Better THAT than having to ask scream for help and invite someone INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE YOU ARE ON THE TOILET. *shudder*

  4. Jay

    Now that you mention it, it IS kinda creepy when I laugh at the TV while sitting here alone. It’s also creepy if I start arguing with the political or sports pundit on TV when I’m here alone.

    I never knew I was so creepy.

  5. Karen

    I sometimes worry about the choking, but I have my special chair where I plan to Heimlich myself. One of the sad things for me is ordering a pizza. Just me and whole pizza seems so, so sad and pathetic.

  6. Hockeymandad

    Nothing like an afternoon of Oreo’s with a Meridith Baxter Bierney marathon in nothing but tighty whities.

    You should also ask your employees to go buy your lingerie because you pay them to do your bidding and I think it would be a fun gag to creep them out as they picture their boss wearing it. Of course, I am evil.

  7. Poppy

    I adored living alone. After living with another person where it felt like I was living alone, it was nice to stop resenting the other person and rely on myself, become really super responsible. It helped me grow up… and I still live like a kid, but a responsible kid who can take care of myself.

    FYI, just cuz someone knocks on your door does not obligate you to answer it. 🙂 Cool, huh?

  8. Employee No. 3699

    Laughing at the TV is one thing…talking to your self AND having conversations is another. Been there, done that.

    I’m way too familiar with being by myself. I was used to my husband traveling for work and being home on the weekends, but now that he’s in India? I’m on my own 24/7. Not the same as what you’re going through, but still kind of paddling the same boat.

    After reading your list I think it’s high time you got a puppy! And after reading the comments I see you already have a dog that you’re sharing, but I think you need a full time cohort of your own (think of the blog fodder!).

    When you hear a noise on the other side of the house, you know it’s the dog; and if its not, the dog will take care of the intruder.

    It may be hard to scratch that one spot on your back, but think how happy you’d make your new best friend?

    You could name your new dog Ninja…or another Ninja worthy name.

    Whilst sitting naked in your living room, your pup could lick your balls and then bark at the door and scare unwanted people away.

    You could both splash and ‘doggy paddle’ in the pool together and then spend your time later cleaning hair out of the filter instead of playing a stupid game of “Marco’.

    Your new pup may not tell you that you look fat in your jeans, but he’ll lick your ass while you’re trying to wipe it after taking a shi…Never mind.

    Instead of buying things you saw on late night TV, you’ll be swiping your MasterCard for Frisbees, Milk-Bones and flea collars…just don’t buy him a sweater, because that’s gay.

    That package of Oreos? You can eat them on your own if you choose, but Ninja (or whatever you name him) will gladly share with you.

    WTF is a Japanese love pillow? Seriously, I have no clue what that is. Get a dog.

    You may be a walking fashion disaster, but it will go unnoticed if you have a cute pup at your side. Chicks go for guys with dogs. You mentioned something in this post about watching LifeTime…have you learned nothing?

    You won’t have worry about being discovered as a cross dresser, because your new pup will probably eat your underwear.

    See? Problem solved. Well at least the majority of them.

    Sending big (Hugs). I know it’s an adjustment, but you’ll survive.

    Now I have that 70’s Gloria Gaynor song in my head. Damn you!

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