In the year 2042 . . .
The Church of Brangelina will welcome its one hundred millionth member, as announced by High Priestess Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt.
In the year 2042 . . .
The largest Internet sensation will be 37-year old blogger Miss Emma, who will blog about her mother‘s descent into insanity caused by eating too many cheesecakes.
In the year 2042 . . .
Divorce rates among the gay population will reach an all-time high of 18%.
In the year 2042 . . .
NBC’s newest reality show, So You Think You Can Outrun A Lion?, will win an Emmy.
In the year 2042 . . .
The Ke$ha/Lady Gaga/Madonna retirement tour will enter the last year of its 10-year run.
In the year 2042 . . .
At Berkeley, pro-cancer activists will protest the killing of cancer cells. They will be shot to death and the world will applaud.
In the year 2042 . . .
In a new tell-all book, former President Rush Limbaugh’s illegitimate child will confess that his father “…loved women, prescription drugs, and eating human flesh, and not in that order.”
In the year 2042 . . .
The most popular sitcom on the air will be ABC Family Channel’s “Fuck you, you stupid cocksucker”, a light-hearted show about a family that adopts a foul-mouthed robot.
In the year 2042 . . .
I’ll still be paying off my Citibank bill:
In the year 2057
My One Year Divorceversary
Pedophilia vs. Murder – which is worse?
Sadly that last one is the truth.
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Twitter: leeleykeel
says:
ugh.
but haha! for the above stuff. but all i can see is the statement now, so i keep going back to ugh.
money sucks. i totally hear you.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
The Rush Limbaugh one made me throw up in my mouth a little. Not because of the “eating human flesh” bit. No, I was okay with that. It was the “former President” part that made me gag.
Well, that and the credit card bill.
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wouldn’t life be easier if we didn’t have to have money and things… ouch!
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I totally didn’t see the last one coming. That’s some funny stuff, Avi. (That’s your nickname. Or, I’m just too lazy to type out the “table”. But, I just typed it, so I totally have no argument here.)
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Twitter: HeadlessMom
says:
Fuck. I got one of these yesterday too. Nothing like a dose of reality to kick you in the ass, right?
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Lordy! And i thought my 2400 in credit card debt was a lot. I paid 2 off with my tax return and am planning to do the same with the last 3. Credit blows. And all my cards are cut up into nice small pieces sitting somewhere in my closet as a reminder to stop buying crap i dont need.
Seriously… Pay the extra bit every month. Im throwing every extra buck at my bills to get them to GTFO.
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@Mary, haha gtfo bills! that is good advise!
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Think our government got a very similar statement to this recently.
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Holy shizz!!
However, I did LOL at quite a few of these.
Just not the last one. GAH.
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Twitter: mapsgirl
says:
I wish our credit card companies did that. (or would that be like asking for an ass kicking?)
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It sure is painful to see, I am not opening mine because of the new laws. I don’t want to know. Also, it is just stupid that people can’t figure out paying more equals less time owing money. That is more annoying than the balance.
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Twitter: bobutler
says:
Holy shite, man.
That’s all I have to say. Holy shite.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
One of my coworkers spent $70,000 on a nasty divorce. I hope this bill is an “after”.
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That looks like my bill!
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Credit card debt – ha ha on you. I don’t do credit cards anymore.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Ouch. Just ouch.
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Twitter: paintingchef
says:
I think its SO depressing that they started putting that on credit cards. I’m sure its a good thing and I understand the purpose but MAN. I was feeling good about getting mine down to about 1200 bucks and then CitiBank tells me its STILL going to take me eons to pay the fucker off if I only make the minimum payment.
Ugh. Credit cards are evil.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
In my defense, I turned to cheesecake after Rush was elected.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
that credit card bill made me light headed. dude, that is crazy.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
So true….
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By paying an extra $250 you save 29 years of payments? That is amazing.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I can’t believe I have to wait 30 years for “So you think you can you outrun a lion” to be on network TV.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Dude, that sucks! Pay that damned thing off already. After Anissa recovers and no longer needs our donations, let’s make “Avitable’s bill” the next big internet donation kitty. I gave her $100. I’m willing to give you, like, $10 (or dinner when you come up in April).
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
Yikes! Well, when you’re out of a home and need a cardboard box, I think I can send one to you, no extra charge. (;
Credit card companies are douchebags.
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Twitter: Zakary
says:
Just say no to credit cards.
And I would totally watch “Fuck you, you stupid cocksucker”. I bet it wins an Emmy.
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yiiikes! Actually what I said sounded more like “nyuuuuuhhhh pppppffftttt *click* wow…”
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That’s a super informative bill though – I wish my Mastercard did that.
Good luck!
xo
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Now I ain’t sayin’ you’s a gold digga’ but….
you needs a shugah mama. STAT.
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(deep dramatic sigh)
I know the pain of this one all too well. My suggestions, don’t scroll down to that little bit of info any longer. It’s too painful.
Not only am I trying to dig myself out of the debt I accrued while unemployed last year, but my boyfriend is also trying to shovel himself out of the hell that is 30,000 of credit card debt.
It’s like financial nazi germany at my house every day.
But without all the hand signals and evilness to human nature, of course.
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If Rush gets elected anything but head librarian of the re-opened Alcatraz correctional facility, I will move far away from his reach.
Also, I think maybe Emma will lead the new Internet sensation “Support group for the children of the parent blogger generation” and my daughters may help with that. The SGCPBG will be quite large too with many global chapters.
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
Seeing that makes me glad I cashed out some retirement funds (while there was still money in them) to pay off most of my post-divorce debt. I know it was crazy and I need to save for retirement, but I know I’ll work until the day I die and it wasn’t worth the stress or the interest.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
In the year 2042 I’ll be almost dead.
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
In the year 2042 I’ll be …goddamn I’ll be old. Thanks for inspirig me to do the math. Fucker.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
In the year 2042, I’ll be 70. And I’ll be calling you a “Fucking Whippersnapper!”
Holy Fuck. 70. Wow.
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Twitter: Readerwrites
says:
I owe those bastards a few thousand dollars, too. Fuckers.
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In the year 2042, I will have paid 300,000 in student loan debt and will still be paying. Wait, I’m wrong. I’ll have been thrown in jail as and educated elitist. Bring on no mail call!
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Twitter: karlerikson
says:
Life is so much simpler when your credit sucks ass. Nobody in their right mind would give me a credit card. Cash is king.
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I just paid off my CitiCard, whoo-hoo!. Those asshats raised my rate to 29.9% after eleven years and not one late payment.
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I peed my pants a little when I saw that balance.
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I hate that new thing on the statements. Hate it. It’s so much easier being the Queen of Denial.
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I can think of worse things than Insanity by Cheesecake.
But holy hannah, that bill! I was all “You don’t scare me with your Rush-Limbaugh/potty-mouth-robot prognostications, Adam Avitable!!!” then I got to the bill and almost peed my pants.
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Ouch. Mine might as well have a balance that high, though, what with being unemployed at present and having no money for the minimal payment of $100-plus/month. Got a telecommute job for me?
J/K! I wish you and all with c.c. balances (and myself too!) luck in reducing the debt quickly.
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