Interviews With Dead Celebrities

My interview with my recently deceased grandmother

Nana (pictured here with Uncle Saddam)

My grandmother, pictured above with her second favorite dictator, passed away Friday night. This is the same grandmother I’ve written about previously. She was suffering from the late stages of Alzheimer’s, and her death, while sad, was merciful.

Eileen was the oldest of 15 children. She raised many of her younger brothers and sisters as if they were her own children, and supported many of them, paying for college and other expenses, just like a parent. She was the matriarch to the Irish Catholic side of my family. By the time I knew her, she was the very strict, serious, older lady that you didn’t dare disappoint. She was very religious, never swore, was fair to each grandchild to a fault, and disapproved of fully half of anything that a child would do. This isn’t to say that she didn’t love – she cared deeper than she showed, and loved everyone equally and unconditionally. But you sure as fuck didn’t want to do anything to disappoint her. “You had better hope that your Nana doesn’t hear about this!” was a familiar mantra heard around my home. Today, I got the chance to interview her posthumously which means, thankfully, that her mental state had returned to how she used to be.


Me: Hi Nana.

Nana: Hi dear.

Me: I’m sorry you’re not here anymore. I miss you.

Nana: Is that why you only visited me once when I was in the home?

Me: It was too hard to see you like that. And I didn’t think you’d really want any of us to see you in that state.

Nana: So does this mean you’re skipping my funeral too?

Me: If it wasn’t to be there for Mom and Papa, I wouldn’t go to that, either.

Nana: And what’s this I hear about you getting a divorce?

Me: Ohhh, ummm, yeah.

Nana: You know you’re going to hell, right?

Me: For getting a divorce? That’s not fair.

Nana: No, not for the divorce – that’s just what you get for living in sin before you got married.

Me: Then why?

Nana: Because I can see everything now – and there is no way God is letting you into heaven with all of that porn you look at.

Me: You can see THAT?!?

Nana: Yes, and you should be ashamed of yourself. If I wasn’t already dead, finding out that there’s something called “tranny porn” would have killed me on the spot. And then how would you have liked finding out that you killed your poor grandmother?

Me: But I didn’t! And that was just for research purposes.

Nana: You need a hand down your pants to research?

Me: I . . Uh . . Um . . .

Nana: I’m just fucking with you.

Me: NANA!!!

Nana: What? Can’t a woman drop an f-bomb on you?

Me: Not when you’re my Nana, and I’ve never even heard you say “hell”!

Nana: I usually reserved that type of language for the bedroom.

Me: Oh God.

Nana: You don’t want to hear about me and your grandfather having sex? You do know that your mother wasn’t immaculately conceived, even if she’s convinced you she was, right?

Me: No no no no no no (rocking back and forth)

Nana: I used to joke that your Papa’s name was destined to be Howie . . .

Me: Please stop (crying)

Nana: . . . as in “how he makes me feel down there”

Me: shh shh shh shh no shhh shh

Nana: And by “down there”, I mean my vagina.


Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

102 thoughts on “My interview with my recently deceased grandmother”

  1. This was your best interview ever.

    Meant to thank you for not interviewing Andrew Koenig and jumping on all the cheap “Boner” jokes that were available to you. That meant a lot to me.

  2. Oh, and the commenter above SO totally meant to say sorry for your loss, Adam. 2010 is equating to be a whole lot of suck. Hopefully, greater things are on the horizon for all.

  3. I’m sorry to hear that your Nana passed away. My dad was in a nursing home for a few years before he died, and I hated going there. I just felt so helpless seeing him like that.

    Excellent interview though, I bet Nana would have given you a disapproving frown, and then laughed out loud when you left the room.

    1. @Sean Avitable, troll! I would have thought that too but this is how what people some people cope different. If you knew adam you would know he has agreat big heart

    2. @Sean Avitable,

      I agree with you. A bit too soon. But everyone deals with grief in their own way. My condolences. Your grandmother was a wonderful woman. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Especially with your grandfather. P.S. He sends too many empty e-mails!!!

      1. @Cambria Dillow, thanks for the comment, Cambria. I meant my post with utmost respect, but humor has always been my way of dealing with things. My grandfather seems to be doing okay, though.

  4. At least you can keep your sense of humor in the face of Alzheimer’s. Two of my grandparents had it — it fucking sucks.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family.

      1. @Avitable, Just FYI– I wasn’t being sarcastic. I didn’t mean that it’s a bad thing that you were able to keep your sense of humor despite of her being ill. It’s a compliment. It’s a great thing that you can do that. It really is.

  5. I’m sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.

    However, reading you discussing sex with your Nana made me think about discussing sex with MY dead grandmother, and I can never forgive you for that, asshole.

  6. I love your ability to find humor in everything!

    Very sorry about your Grandma but glad she’s in a better place (where she is apparently watching you 24/7 – good luck with that!)

  7. Oh man, that was the funniest interview yet.

    I’m sorry about your Nana as I know what its like to lose a grandparent. I dunno if she would be proud of your post for her, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say she’d probably have a good chuckle and then whack you with her purse.

  8. Naughty, naughty Nana.

    I didn’t even know her and she wasn’t my nana, but I’m going to go sit in the corner and rock back and forth until I get the image of her having sex out of my brain. Perhaps some bleach will help…

  9. oh nana. it’s good to remember them back in the day; i only visited my grandmother in the home once too. so sorry for your loss, for your family’s loss. when it rains, it pours. bummer. (hugs)

  10. Before I start giggling, I am so sorry for your loss. Alzheimer’s is one of the shittiest diseases ever.

    Now, the giggles… πŸ˜€

    And I think, as reserved as your grandma might have been, if she’s reading this now, she is laughing, too, and possibly considering haunting you.

  11. Sorry about your Nana. Both of my paternal grandparents suffered with Alzheimer’s when they died. But it didn’t kill them. That was cancer. I’m a genetic FAIL.

    And she’s right about the tranny porn.

  12. It sounds as though you lost her long before she was gone from the planet, but remembering her (and with humor) is perfectly appropriate even, maybe especially, if the humor is completely of the inappropriate sort.

    I’m glad you didn’t decide to bring her back as a zombie, though.

  13. I know this is somewhat delayed, but you obviously know you all have my condolences.

    I never got a chance to know what having grandparents was like
    [considering your Nana’s parents were my paternal grandparents, it’s not too surprising I never met them – especially being younger than you – that’s what ’15’ kids’ll get you]
    but sometimes I *almost* feel it is a blessing in disguise; if only because I never had to experience losing them.

    I wish I had had more opportunities to spend with Aunt Eileen/Nana, every time I did see her was great (plus I got dirt on my Dad as a little kid).

    My love to Uncle Howie & your parents and Sean & Megan…I wish FL wasn’t so damn far from MA, else I would tell them myself.

    p.s. While I can understand why some people (in the family) had issues with the post, it actually made me smile, putting an image of a feisty energetic Aunt Eileen in place of the last time I saw her.

  14. this is awesome. somewhere on my blog I talk about how a psychic told my mom my recently deceased grandfather was with my son (who was too little to remember him by), and told me some really creepy and verifiable thru the boy’s behavior and words stuff about my grandad being in my house. Like saying “Poppa’s eatin’ butter! Ick!” My grandfather ate butter like pudding. And stuff like that.

    I felt weird every time I had sex on the couch. I mean, what if he was just down there hanging out and then we start doing it right beside him? Like if he’s sitting on the end and my foot hits his balls or something?

  15. Just read three of your posts. One made me cry. The other two made me cry with laughter. You’re fuckin’ funny. See how I put the apostrophe on fuckin’? That’s how you know I mean what I’m saying. Very happy I found your blog. And I bet your Nana is pretty damn proud of you.

  16. I heard all the ‘Nana’ posts with an old woman’s voice, and it’s frightening to imagine you crying like a little bitch….. >.>

    Then again, if my Grandfather started swearing, my jaw would HIT THE FLOOR.

  17. If I was your step Mom (wink to your Pops ;-*), you’d be my favorite. Mmm Hmm (nod) :/ … My Gramps had the Alzzz and I loved him more than anything… Humor kept me from cracking. Like the time he chased me and my cousin around the house “You sons of Bitches!” He was Irish roman catholic… never heard him swear, until…. God I love & miss you Gramps… thanks for handing me your teeth I’ll treasure the memory forever… <3
    Thanks Adam… truly.

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