Nana (pictured here with Uncle Saddam)
My grandmother, pictured above with her second favorite dictator, passed away Friday night. This is the same grandmother I’ve written about previously. She was suffering from the late stages of Alzheimer’s, and her death, while sad, was merciful.
Eileen was the oldest of 15 children. She raised many of her younger brothers and sisters as if they were her own children, and supported many of them, paying for college and other expenses, just like a parent. She was the matriarch to the Irish Catholic side of my family. By the time I knew her, she was the very strict, serious, older lady that you didn’t dare disappoint. She was very religious, never swore, was fair to each grandchild to a fault, and disapproved of fully half of anything that a child would do. This isn’t to say that she didn’t love – she cared deeper than she showed, and loved everyone equally and unconditionally. But you sure as fuck didn’t want to do anything to disappoint her. “You had better hope that your Nana doesn’t hear about this!” was a familiar mantra heard around my home. Today, I got the chance to interview her posthumously which means, thankfully, that her mental state had returned to how she used to be. (NOTE: The following is a PARODY and in no way reflects my actual grandmother, who was about as close to a saint as you could possibly be.)
Me: Hi Nana.
Nana: Hi dear.
Me: I’m sorry you’re not here anymore. I miss you.
Nana: Is that why you only visited me once when I was in the home?
Me: It was too hard to see you like that. And I didn’t think you’d really want any of us to see you in that state.
Nana: So does this mean you’re skipping my funeral too?
Me: If it wasn’t to be there for Mom and Papa, I wouldn’t go to that, either.
Nana: And what’s this I hear about you getting a divorce?
Me: Ohhh, ummm, yeah.
Nana: You know you’re going to hell, right?
Me: For getting a divorce? That’s not fair.
Nana: No, not for the divorce – that’s just what you get for living in sin before you got married.
Me: Then why?
Nana: Because I can see everything now – and there is no way God is letting you into heaven with all of that porn you look at.
Me: You can see THAT?!?
Nana: Yes, and you should be ashamed of yourself. If I wasn’t already dead, finding out that there’s something called “tranny porn” would have killed me on the spot. And then how would you have liked finding out that you killed your poor grandmother?
Me: But I didn’t! And that was just for research purposes.
Nana: You need a hand down your pants to research?
Me: I . . Uh . . Um . . .
Nana: I’m just fucking with you.
Me: NANA!!!
Nana: What? Can’t a woman drop an f-bomb on you?
Me: Not when you’re my Nana, and I’ve never even heard you say “hell”!
Nana: I usually reserved that type of language for the bedroom.
Me: Oh God.
Nana: You don’t want to hear about me and your grandfather having sex? You do know that your mother wasn’t immaculately conceived, even if she’s convinced you she was, right?
Me: No no no no no no (rocking back and forth)
Nana: I used to joke that your Papa’s name was destined to be Howie . . .
Me: Please stop (crying)
Nana: . . . as in “how he makes me feel down there”
Me: shh shh shh shh no shhh shh
Nana: And by “down there”, I mean my vagina.
Me: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My interview with Corey Haim
My interview with Peter Graves
My Interview with Gary Coleman
Awesome interview. My Dad had Alzheimer’s. Shitty disease.
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@Shane, yeah, it is. They’re just not themselves anymore, except for those random moments.
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This is 27 kinds of wrong. And yet, I found it compelling.
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@SwanShadow, it’s the only way I know how to eulogize.
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Nana was hot-to-trot back in the day.
“Nana: I’m just fucking with you.” My fav line. Hilarious interview… Sorry to hear of her passing, though.
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@Andria, thanks.
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Your Nana was awesome… cuz you know this shit is for real. LOL
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@Mary Jo, probably. Gah!
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She never let Uncle Saddam into her boudoir, right?
Best. One. Yet!
(Sorry for your loss)
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@B.E. Earl, no. He was her second favorite, and she’d only let her favorites in.
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Best EVER! My dad has Alzheimer’s, too. Nice to imagine the “long goodbye” turning back into “hello again” =)
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@DebbieS, yeah, it is.
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My great grannie had dementia. The best part? Demanding that “the hussy” (read: ME!) get away from her husband (my great grandfather).
Sorry for your loss. <3
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@Chibi Jeebs, it was hard to talk to her knowing that she had no idea who I was.
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@Avitable, very much so. My great grannie wasn’t *my* great grannie for the last 5 years of her life (if that makes sense).
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Sorry to about your loss.
But my fav line? “I’m just fucking with you”…
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@Fantastagirl, which is, of course, something that my Nana would NEVER have said or even thought!
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This was your best interview ever.
Meant to thank you for not interviewing Andrew Koenig and jumping on all the cheap “Boner” jokes that were available to you. That meant a lot to me.
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@CP, I thought about it, but he just wasn’t enough of a celebrity.
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Oh, and the commenter above SO totally meant to say sorry for your loss, Adam. 2010 is equating to be a whole lot of suck. Hopefully, greater things are on the horizon for all.
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@CP, thanks.
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I’m sorry to hear that your Nana passed away. My dad was in a nursing home for a few years before he died, and I hated going there. I just felt so helpless seeing him like that.
Excellent interview though, I bet Nana would have given you a disapproving frown, and then laughed out loud when you left the room.
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@fiwa, I don’t know if she would have ever laughed out loud, but she might have secretly chuckled when she was alone.
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Twitter: floatingprncess
says:
That is just how I picture that interview going too! Best interview ever.
I am sorry for your loss. It’s a terrible disease to have to watch.
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@Lisa, and as a coward, I stayed away from watching it as much as I could.
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ha. Alzheimer’s is horrible. Evil.
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@Lin, yeah it is.
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So sorry for your loss. She sounds like the kind of woman who could have run the world. Is that where you get it from?
Vagina….. heh, heh.
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@Blondefabulous, she did run the world, and yup!
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a little too soon, don’t you think?
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@Sean Avitable, it’s how I choose to deal with it. Nothing says you have to read it.
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@Sean Avitable, troll! I would have thought that too but this is how what people some people cope different. If you knew adam you would know he has agreat big heart
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@Marta, If I knew Adam? He’s my brother. I do know my grandmother, too. A thin line between humor and disrespect.Thanks though, for your input!
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@Sean Avitable,
I agree with you. A bit too soon. But everyone deals with grief in their own way. My condolences. Your grandmother was a wonderful woman. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Especially with your grandfather. P.S. He sends too many empty e-mails!!!
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@Cambria Dillow, thanks for the comment, Cambria. I meant my post with utmost respect, but humor has always been my way of dealing with things. My grandfather seems to be doing okay, though.
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At least you can keep your sense of humor in the face of Alzheimer’s. Two of my grandparents had it — it fucking sucks.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family.
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@Dawn, my sense of humor is my best defense mechanism!
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@Avitable, Just FYI– I wasn’t being sarcastic. I didn’t mean that it’s a bad thing that you were able to keep your sense of humor despite of her being ill. It’s a compliment. It’s a great thing that you can do that. It really is.
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@Dawn, oh, I know you were serious.
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Twitter: _SciFiDad_
says:
I’m sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.
However, reading you discussing sex with your Nana made me think about discussing sex with MY dead grandmother, and I can never forgive you for that, asshole.
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@SciFi Dad, ha! It’s quite a visual, eh?
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
xoxo
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@hello haha narf, thanks.
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I love your ability to find humor in everything!
Very sorry about your Grandma but glad she’s in a better place (where she is apparently watching you 24/7 – good luck with that!)
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@Courtney, she is definitely in a better place.
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Sorry to hear about your Grandmother. She sounds like a good soul.
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@GrandeMocha, yeah, she really was.
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I’m sorry to hear about your Nana. I bet she loved the heck out of you.
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@Little Miss Sunshine State, she really did.
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Nana FTW!!!
xo
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@Sybil Law, totally.
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This is your best ever post-mortem interview. Clearly an example of the best journalism of 2010. Perhaps the only journalism of 2010.
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@bo, I should win an award.
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Sorry to hear about Nana. I am glad she got to entertain us and creep us all out as her final gesture.
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@Karen, me too.
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This was both beautiful and sad and a good example of why I’m going to vote for you
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@Marta, Adam for President!
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1) you’re getting a divorce?
I’m sorry
2) bwahahaha love the interview (as always)
3) Save a spot in Hell for me
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@christie, yeah, I’ve written about the divorce a few times in the last few months. http://www.avitable.com/tags/divorce/
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@Avitable,
sorry, I guess I missed it :/
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Oh man, that was the funniest interview yet.
I’m sorry about your Nana as I know what its like to lose a grandparent. I dunno if she would be proud of your post for her, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say she’d probably have a good chuckle and then whack you with her purse.
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@Hockeymandad, she might have a good chuckle, but she’d never let me see it, I’m sure!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Naughty, naughty Nana.
I didn’t even know her and she wasn’t my nana, but I’m going to go sit in the corner and rock back and forth until I get the image of her having sex out of my brain. Perhaps some bleach will help…
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@Finn, I just hope my mother doesn’t read this.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Wasn’t Nana also Mussolini’s favorite flamenco dancer? Wait, that was MY Nana. Never mind.
I’m sorry you lost her to such a horrible disease. Tyler’s grandmother is in the middle stages and I hate it. Hate it with a passion.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, yeah, it was pretty miserable. She’s in a better place now.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
It doesn’t get much more wrong than this.
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@muskrat, oh, sure it does. Wanna have a competition?
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
Excellent interview. She was pretty cool.
Condolences on your family’s loss.
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@Jay, thanks.
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oh nana. it’s good to remember them back in the day; i only visited my grandmother in the home once too. so sorry for your loss, for your family’s loss. when it rains, it pours. bummer. (hugs)
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@leel, it was hard to visit her more when she didn’t even remember me.
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Once again, my condolences on your Nanna. Now there’s one less person to keep your ass in line.
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@Hilly, pretty soon I’ll be freeeeee!
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Twitter: elizawhat
says:
Before I start giggling, I am so sorry for your loss. Alzheimer’s is one of the shittiest diseases ever.
Now, the giggles…
And I think, as reserved as your grandma might have been, if she’s reading this now, she is laughing, too, and possibly considering haunting you.
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, I hope she’s laughing and not ghostly judging me!
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Sorry about your Nana. Both of my paternal grandparents suffered with Alzheimer’s when they died. But it didn’t kill them. That was cancer. I’m a genetic FAIL.
And she’s right about the tranny porn.
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@Zakary, it was just research!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
And the winner for Poppy’s favorite line goes tooooooooooooooooo:
*drumroll*
Me: shh shh shh shh no shhh shh
AWESOME!
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@Poppy, that’s my favorite line too. I can picture saying it in my head.
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Twitter: poppycede
on March 10th, 2010 at Wednesday, March 10, 2010 @ 8:08 pm
@Avitable, I heard you say it out loud when I read it. It was priceless!
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It sounds as though you lost her long before she was gone from the planet, but remembering her (and with humor) is perfectly appropriate even, maybe especially, if the humor is completely of the inappropriate sort.
I’m glad you didn’t decide to bring her back as a zombie, though.
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@golfwidow, it was a close one.
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Nana: And by “down there”, I mean my vagina.
HAHAHAHA!! We’re ALL going to hell!!
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@metalmom, well, everyone except her. She’s too good.
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This was the best one yet. So sorry for your loss, Adam.
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@metalia, thanks.
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Bummer Adam. What did she think of the dolphin porn?
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@RebTurtle, that she liked.
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Sorry about your Nana, Adam..
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@Secret Agent Mama, thanks, Mish.
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I know this is somewhat delayed, but you obviously know you all have my condolences.
I never got a chance to know what having grandparents was like
[considering your Nana's parents were my paternal grandparents, it's not too surprising I never met them - especially being younger than you - that's what '15' kids'll get you]
but sometimes I *almost* feel it is a blessing in disguise; if only because I never had to experience losing them.
I wish I had had more opportunities to spend with Aunt Eileen/Nana, every time I did see her was great (plus I got dirt on my Dad as a little kid).
My love to Uncle Howie & your parents and Sean & Megan…I wish FL wasn’t so damn far from MA, else I would tell them myself.
p.s. While I can understand why some people (in the family) had issues with the post, it actually made me smile, putting an image of a feisty energetic Aunt Eileen in place of the last time I saw her.
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this is awesome. somewhere on my blog I talk about how a psychic told my mom my recently deceased grandfather was with my son (who was too little to remember him by), and told me some really creepy and verifiable thru the boy’s behavior and words stuff about my grandad being in my house. Like saying “Poppa’s eatin’ butter! Ick!” My grandfather ate butter like pudding. And stuff like that.
I felt weird every time I had sex on the couch. I mean, what if he was just down there hanging out and then we start doing it right beside him? Like if he’s sitting on the end and my foot hits his balls or something?
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@Lora, I’m more interested that you have sex on your couch frequently enough that you worry about that. Do you think ghost grandpa pops a boner?
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