Former child actor Corey Haim died yesterday at the age of 38. I was granted a quick interview with the deceased “Lost Boys” star:
Me: Hi Corey, thanks for talking with me.
CH: It’s my pleasure. I want all of my fans to know that I’m okay. They don’t need to worry.
Me: Well, most of your fans are in their late 30s and early 40s and probably have plenty of other shit to worry about now. But I’ll pass along the message.
CH: I appreciate it. I know that my demographic might skew a little older now that I’m older, but to many of them, I’ll always be Sam or Lucas.
Me: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never seen Lost Boys or Lucas and the only time I’ve ever heard of you was the horrible “License to Drive”.
Me: Yup! Now the other Corey? I loved him in Goonies.
CH: Felllldmannn. Don’t even get me started.
Me: I thought you guys got along now?
CH: Are you kidding? The guy is a grade-A douchebag. Have you ever heard him speak?
Me: Yeah, he kind of oozes when he talks.
CH: Did you ever see that clip they showed on The Soup where Feldman sang at his wife? He thought that was romantic and now he’ll only have sex when they play that song.
Me: Ok, that’s creepy.
CH: Dude, tell me about it. I’ve spent my whole life trying to get away from Corey fucking Feldman, but he just won’t die! He’s like a cockroach. That’s why I did what I did.
Me: What’s that?
CH: You know.
Me: Umm, no I don’t.
CH: Sure you do!
Me: Pretend I don’t.
CH: That’s why I died!
Me: You committed suicide to get away from Corey Feldman?
CH: Well, kind of, but it has its perks.
Me: It does?
CH: Yeah! I’m really strong now and I can fly!
CH: And I can see at night and I will live forever!
Me: Umm, Corey? Do you think that you’re a vampire now?
CH: Yeah! See? Look at my fangs!
Me: Those are just your canine teeth and I think mine are sharper looking than that.
CH: But look how pale I am!
Me: That’s because you’re dead.
CH: Yeah, see? Undead!
Me: No. Just. Plain. Dead.
CH: I’m a vampire – watch me lift this chair with one hand!
Me: A child with polio could lift that chair.
CH: Bah! You’re just an unbeliever. I’ll show you.
Me: What are you doing? Did you just poop your pants?
CH: No! I’m trying to turn into a bat!
Me: Oh. I think if you’re not careful you might-
CH: I just pooped myself.
Me: And there we go.
CH: But . . . but I wanted to become more famous than Feldman!
Me: Sorry, buddy. Good luck in whatever place it is that washed up TV child-stars go!
CH: *sniff* I am a vampire. I am a vampire. I am a vampire. *sniff*
Me: Please stop biting me.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Martin Luther King, Jr.