Former child actor Corey Haim died yesterday at the age of 38. I was granted a quick interview with the deceased “Lost Boys” star:
Me: Hi Corey, thanks for talking with me.
CH: It’s my pleasure. I want all of my fans to know that I’m okay. They don’t need to worry.
Me: Well, most of your fans are in their late 30s and early 40s and probably have plenty of other shit to worry about now. But I’ll pass along the message.
CH: I appreciate it. I know that my demographic might skew a little older now that I’m older, but to many of them, I’ll always be Sam or Lucas.
Me: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never seen Lost Boys or Lucas and the only time I’ve ever heard of you was the horrible “License to Drive”.
CH: Really?
Me: Yup! Now the other Corey? I loved him in Goonies.
CH: Felllldmannn. Don’t even get me started.
Me: I thought you guys got along now?
CH: Are you kidding? The guy is a grade-A douchebag. Have you ever heard him speak?
Me: Yeah, he kind of oozes when he talks.
CH: Did you ever see that clip they showed on The Soup where Feldman sang at his wife? He thought that was romantic and now he’ll only have sex when they play that song.
Me: Ok, that’s creepy.
CH: Dude, tell me about it. I’ve spent my whole life trying to get away from Corey fucking Feldman, but he just won’t die! He’s like a cockroach. That’s why I did what I did.
Me: What’s that?
CH: You know.
Me: Umm, no I don’t.
CH: Sure you do!
Me: Pretend I don’t.
CH: That’s why I died!
Me: You committed suicide to get away from Corey Feldman?
CH: Well, kind of, but it has its perks.
Me: It does?
CH: Yeah! I’m really strong now and I can fly!
Me: Ummm….
CH: And I can see at night and I will live forever!
Me: Umm, Corey? Do you think that you’re a vampire now?
CH: Yeah! See? Look at my fangs!
Me: Those are just your canine teeth and I think mine are sharper looking than that.
CH: But look how pale I am!
Me: That’s because you’re dead.
CH: Yeah, see? Undead!
Me: No. Just. Plain. Dead.
CH: I’m a vampire – watch me lift this chair with one hand!
Me: A child with polio could lift that chair.
CH: Bah! You’re just an unbeliever. I’ll show you.
Me: What are you doing? Did you just poop your pants?
CH: No! I’m trying to turn into a bat!
Me: Oh. I think if you’re not careful you might-
CH: I just pooped myself.
Me: And there we go.
CH: But . . . but I wanted to become more famous than Feldman!
Me: Sorry, buddy. Good luck in whatever place it is that washed up TV child-stars go!
CH: *sniff* I am a vampire. I am a vampire. I am a vampire. *sniff*
Me: Please stop biting me.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My interview with my recently deceased grandmother
My interview with Peter Graves
My Interview with Gary Coleman
Twitter: Faiqa
says:
I had to go back and re-read this interview twice because, WHAT? YOU’VE NEVER SEEN LOST BOYS? No wonder you didn’t get laid in high school.
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@Faiqa, hhahHAa I was thinking that same thing you said about not seeing it but you said it!!
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@Faiqa, HAHA! Faiqa wins at the Internet.
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Faiqa for the win.
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HOW did you not see “Lost Boys”?
And you call yourself a geek? You have just been downgraded to Dweeb.
Neomaxizoomdweebie.
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I love you so much it makes my earlobes itch.
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I seriously can’t believe you have never seen Lost Boys. It is like an 80s right of passage or something, like The Goonies! LOL
I learn something new on Avitable every day. Today I learned that ghosts can shit their pants.
Valuable knowledge there. Thanks.
PS Corey was not a vampire in Lost Boys so glad he got to be one now.
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Outstanding!
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I owned two movies on VHS, taped off HBO, in Jr. High. Dirty Dancing, and Lost Boys. I hear the old HBO song and pleasant memories of Lost Boys remain. And my first Hollywood Star crush was on “the cute Corey”.
Awesome interview, Adam.
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One of your better interviews. Great job!
And allow me to join in the deafening chorus that can’t believe you haven’t seen Lost Boys. Or Lucas. You should check them both out.
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How bad am I? One of the first things I thought of when I heard Corey (my 1st Hollywood crush) Haim died, was “oohhh bet Avitable will be interviewing him real soon”….Thanks for not letting me down! Please, for the sake of all mankind, see the Lost Boys! If anything, the soundtrack is fantastic!
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I kind of love that Corey Haim died because he was trying to be a vampire.
Mr. Haim, don’t worry. In my opinion, you always bit and you always will.
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Another good one and ps. you really should see Lucas. That’s where my whole love of the underdog began I think.
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my theory is that the other corey is jealous that haim did it first
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
“Lucas” is a great movie. As is “Lost Boys.” Seriously, you haven’t see it?
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Hahahahahaha
Oh, man. I needed this. I woke up late today and now I don’t even care, thanks to the laugh.
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That’s another person I outlived. I take pleasure in the little things in life.
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How have you never seen Lost Boys??
I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
giggling.
mostly coz he pooped himself trying to turn into a bat.
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My love for you has deepened. But, I’ll tell ya, I’m just as shocked as everyone that you haven’t seen Lost Boys. “You’re a vampire, Michael. My own brother, a goddam shit-sucking vampire. You wait ’til Mom finds out buddy!” Gold.
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I’ve never seen Lost Boys either, Adam. But I think it’s because I’m older than most of your readers/commenters. We should Netflix this puppy and watch it together. Which would be a whole lot easier if you and I weren’t in Florida and California, respectively, huh?
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you never disappoint! i hear a celbrity dies and i think of you now! is that good or bad. who cares? and i too am in shock that you never saw Lost Boys. WOW.
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Twitter: elizawhat
says:
Oh, Adam, this was probably your best interview EVER! I so needed this laugh. The poop part was my favorite. I hope I never stop laughing at poop jokes.
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This was, I think, the funniest interview you have done yet.
I was chuckling.
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Dude. BEST interview yet. Awesome.
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Twitter: floatingprncess
says:
You said poop! Hehehehe
Also, I thought you had the tastes of a teenage girl. How can you have missed Lost Boys? I even love the soundtrack.
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Who gives a damn about the Lost Boys, why didn’t you ask him about that lame ass piece of shit that was his self promoting documentary “Me, Myself, and I”???? I’d love to know what the hell THAT was all about…. ya know, besides himself.
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I knew that Corey Haim has stereotyped himself.
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Twitter: maria0305
says:
I think I’m too young to really ‘get’ why women crushed on him. He was funny looking. Oh no, I’m speaking ill of the dead. You make me misbehave, Adam. I’m getting the hell out of here.
I’m going to be a vampire when I die.
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I thought the same thing ‘Donna’ thought…Corey is dead, can’t wait to read the post-mortem interview by Adam! Then laughed reading ‘golfwidow’s’ comment on how he always bit and always will.
That aside, if you email me your address I’ll order you ‘Lost Boys’ on Amazon or some such website. Then you can do a movie review on it and not worry about it being spoiler free.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
Somehow, I see pooping himself as being the most minor of Haim’s indignities in recent years.
Great interview!
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Twitter: mamandesfilles
says:
Am I the only person who remembers Silver Bullet? Gary Busey and Terry O’Quinn as co-stars? Man of God as werewolf? Come ON people!
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Twitter: mamandesfilles
says:
Btw, looking forward to your Merlin Olsen interview. If you never saw Lost Boys chances are that you were a big fan of Little House on the Prairie and Father Murphy….
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When I saw that Corey Haim died I thought, “Omigod! Part of my childhood just died with him!” And then I Googled him and realized, “Oh, nevermind. It was the OTHER Corey in the movies I saw.”
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I haven’t seen “Lost Boys” either. Don’t particularly want to. But “Lucas”? That was some good film-making.
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Oh, Haimster. Gone too soon. Should have been Feldman. I don’t care how wrong that is. I’m already going to hell.
Also? Ghosts can shit their pants? That’s just messed. Literally.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Lost Boys is the only Corey Haim movie I’ve seen. Never seen License to Drive. Everyone talks about it but I’ve never seen it.
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