“Mission: Impossible” and “Airplane!” star Peter Graves was found dead last night at the age of 83 under mysterious circumstances, and as one of the preeminent journalists who has a picture of themselves eating ice cream with Hitler, I was invited to interview him:
Me: Hi Peter, thanks for meeting with me.
PG: (in a whisper) I am not Peter. I’m on a top-secret mission and my name is Dyed. Howie Dyed.
Me: Well, I’m here to interview Peter Graves and I wanted to find out how he died.
Me: Oh, I see what you did there. Two can play that game. Have you ever been in a Turkish prison, Peter?
PG: I told you, Peter’s not here.
Me: But he-
PG: Oh, Buddy’s been in a Turkish prison.
Me: Sigh. And he’s the same as Peter Graves?
PG: Andy? No, Andy has nothing to do with Peter Graves.
Me: Now I’m confused how he-
Me: Okay. I want to talk to Peter. Will he-
PG: Willy’s in the other room.
Me: Oh. My. God. I want to punch you so f-
PG: Yusuf? That’s our target. Have you seen him?
Me: That didn’t even sound like the same thing! Now I know you’re just fucking with me.
PG: King Withme is Yusuf’s boss. Whose side are you on?
Me: Youon isn’t here right now.
PG: Don’t be a moron.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Martin Luther King, Jr.