Have you ever read my “100 Things About Avitable“? No? Okay, go read it. I’ll wait.
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Jesus, you’re a slow reader. C’mon!
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Okay, well, that list is now defunct. Aren’t you glad you just wasted all that time? That list of 100 things about me was written by a married man who weighed 420 pounds, hated leaving the house, and generally feared doing a lot of things. And while I still have a way to go before I’m the polar opposite of who I was then, I think that I have a different perspective on life and new goals for myself. As a result, I think it’s time for a new list of things about Adam Heath Avitable.
And what better way to start than listing 5 new habits I have?
100. Swiffering. Monday nights is reserved for naked Swiffering. The nudity isn’t related to the Swiffering – it just happens to coincide. My new house is a four-bedroom home with tile everywhere except the three guest rooms, which I don’t really enter anyway. I have one of those Swiffers that has a vacuum attachment, so I do a dry run through the house and then switch out for the wet Swiffer pads and usually go through 3-4 of those mopping the whole house. There’s something freeing about Swiffering, although I don’t know if it’s the part about getting the house clean or doing it bare-ass naked. Well, with socks on.
99. Making my bed. The last time I made a bed regularly, it was 1988. Now that it’s just my bed, though, I’ve found that I enjoy making it look nice, so every morning I make the bed, arrange all six pillows on it, even if I’m the only one who’s going to see it all day. I used to feel like making a bed was a stupid endeavor because you were only going to mess it up again 12 hours later, but something’s changed, and now it feels wrong if it’s unmade. Even if I take a nap in the middle of the day, I’ll remake it as soon as I get up.
98. Doing laundry. I rarely did laundry while I was married. It wasn’t because I expected Amy to do it – she just did it as a matter of habit, and I didn’t stop her. Over the last few years, when she traveled, I’d do my own laundry, but usually that meant waiting until I had no clothes left, and then throwing everything into one load and not folding anything. Now, though, I do my laundry once a week, which includes all my sheets and towels, too. And I fold everything. I hang up all of my shirts, fold my underwear, pair my socks, and put everything away quickly. The last time I was single was during law school, and I owned enough socks and underwear to wait almost 60 days before doing laundry. That’s how I expected I would be now, so this desire to laundry and the resulting enjoyment I get from it, is really alien to me.
97. Walking. Amy and I share custody of Jigsaw, our dog. Every weekday, I go over to the old house in the morning and whistle for her, and she runs out through the back door and over to the side gate. I drive her over here and she stays with me all day until I drive her home in the evening. It’s nice for Jigsaw to have company, and it’s nice for me to get to see my dog. I’ve also started taking her on a walk every afternoon and have kept this up almost the last three to four weeks consecutively. It’s good for her, good for me, and gives me a chance to show my neighbors that I’m not some crazy Unabomber type living alone who never leaves his house.
96. Setting an alarm. In my old life, I would usually wake up somewhere between 6:30-7:30 every morning, depending how late I stayed up the night before. Amy isn’t the quietest person in the morning, and between her and the dog, I didn’t need an alarm. Now, however, I’ve worried about a quiet house meaning I’ll sleep until noon if unchecked. So, until I buy an alarm clock
Stay tuned next week for Part 2: 5 Different Pubic Hairstyles*
*no, not really
Enjoy this post? Try these:100 Things for 2010: Part Two
Divorce 101
Swordless Sunday
Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I get a weird satisfaction from doing laundry too. My mother started me out young doing my own laundry. I was better off. She was a terrible folder. Me? I’m the tits when it comes to folding laundry. It’s calming.
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@B.E. Earl, I wish I knew how to fold a goddamn fucking fitted sheet.
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Twitter: ellemmes
, March 16th, 2010: 10:10 AM
@Avitable, No one know how to fold a fitted sheet except my mom, and she’s got a little of the crazy.
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Twitter: ellemmes
, March 16th, 2010: 10:10 AM
@Lisa, *knows
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
, March 17th, 2010: 2:52 PM
@B.E. Earl, I am the best folder in my house. If anyone else folds my laundry, it’s all wrong. Sometimes I even refold it. This probably means I have issues.
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Twitter: kimt205
says:
I don’t normally swiffle in the nude , but I do make up my bed every day !!
Strange how little things can make you feel good when the big stuff is happening.
: )
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@Kim, yeah, some tidiness in the house seems to help with all the crazy out there.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I hate laundry. I would love to have someone else do it for me. It doesn’t really take much effort, but I still can’t stand doing it.
I don’t mind washing dishes though. I’m pretty good at that.
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@Jay, I hate washing dishes. I do it all the time and don’t let them pile up, but I hate it.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
, March 16th, 2010: 9:36 AM
@Avitable, Obviously we should get married then. You will do the laundry and I’ll do the dishes. And we’ll each have our own bathroom to keep clean. haha
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@Jay, we’ll hire a housekeeper for the bathrooms. It’s a plan. Let’s push through some legislation to legalize hetero same-sex marriages.
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It sounds as if you are really growing. Is that the word you would use? I am in the same camp: surprising myself by the direction I am going (or the changes in habits and so forth). I think it’s pretty great that we are both going through this at the same time. Now to find time to catch up. D’oh! (Of course you should – I hope – know that you can call anytime you need a friend).
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@Gina, growing is probably a good word for it. And thanks, Gina.
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You knocked off your family history for domestic items? Maybe you should have replaced some different ones lower on your list!
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@Valerie, well, I might repeat some of the items a little later on my brand new list.
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Swiffer is the bomb-diggity.
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@Andria, fo shiz.
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Reformed recluse reveals righteous reasons to react to ringing.
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@avatgardener, ringing?
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@Avitable, ring tone on phone to wake up. hey it worked for me when I was looking for an alliterative way,
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Without photographic evidence, I don’t believe any of it.
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@Sybil Law, it’s true – ask Britt or Clown!
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
The naked Swiffering cracks me up.
And as much crap as I gave you about it, I think it’s pretty cool that you’re going through the effort to share custody of your dog. AND THAT’S ALL I’LL SAY ABOUT THAT. *ahem*
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@Miss Britt, I don’t get it either it just a stupid dog!
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@Miss Britt, it’s a pet. What kind of inhuman monster would just leave a pet behind without caring for it?
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
, March 17th, 2010: 2:53 PM
@Avitable, I think it’s cool you’re sharing the dog. I wouldn’t want to leave my cat!
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Twitter: bobutler
says:
There’s a good app called Alarm Clock that lets you choose any song on your iPhone to wake up to. I wake up every morning to the folks from Glee telling me not to stop believin’. I never even bought a new alarm clock because I like this app so much.
I have never Swiffered in my life. I rock it old-school with a mop and bucket, some rubber gloves, a hairnet, an apron, and Ward’s dinner in my oven.
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@bo, oh, maybe I should get that. The alarm clock I linked to in my post actually lets me plug in my iPhone, too, and it lets you set a playlist.
By Ward’s dinner in your oven, do you mean cock in your ass?
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Twitter: bobutler
, March 16th, 2010: 9:01 AM
@Avitable, Nope. I reserve that only for dudes who Swiffer naked.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Only in FL would a house be covered in tile flooring. Do you tuck when you naked swiff? I’ll bet you do.
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@muskrat, I do not believe in tucking unless I’m about to put on a skin suit.
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Twitter: themuskrat
, March 17th, 2010: 2:38 PM
@Avitable, which has got to be daily, i’m sure.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
It’s like we’re living parallel lives. I mean, if you subtract my kids, husband, stunning good looks and superior intellect. And add a penis. Oh, no, wait. Strike that last one.
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@Faiqa, YOU CLEAN NAKED??!?!? And are you saying that you have a penis so you don’t need one? Because that’s how I’m going to take that statement.
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Wow you is becoming a real house man! I can’t wait to some girl girl is going to be really lucky let me know if your looking for names to throw in the hat! lol
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@Marta, I’m totally a real houseman.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Now that your vagina has fully flowered you’r growing ovaries. A uterus can’t be far off.
Or maybe you’re pregnant.
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@Finn, you’re just jealous.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
when i was younger my siblings and i would fight (seriously fist fight) over dishes and laundry. interestingly enough, these days as a woman of 38 and a half years i actually like doing the dishes and laundry. such a feeling of accomplishment. i can see the difference and it feels like i really cleaned up the place. just ignore the dust in the living room that is deep enough for an archeological dig, k? i mean, at least i made the damn bed!
also, i love that you are making such an effort with jiggy. she is so worth it.
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@hello haha narf, I hate the dishes. Hate hate hate.
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Adam, soon you are going to make someone a very fine wife.
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@Darla, as long as I don’t have to swallow.
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
I live in the dust bowl so for me a Swiffer is like going after an elephant with a flyswatter. It just doesn’t cut it. I love my Roomba, though. He cleans my floors every day while I’m at work and even gets under the couch. He cleans naked too, in case you were wondering.
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@Lisa, ooh, I should get a Roomba! Does it work on tile?
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Twitter: ellemmes
, March 16th, 2010: 4:12 PM
@Avitable, It does! we have hardwood, so I imagine it would be the same. He’s kind of high maintenance – he needs his butt emptied every day and sometimes he just stops for seemingly no reason. But he picks up the majority of the dirt that gets tracked in every day. It doesn’t replace sweeping or vacuuming, but it sure cuts it down. We’re down to once a week from daily sweeping. There’s also a wet model called Scooba that mops, but I’ve never tried that one.
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I like the start to the new 100 Things list.
I own an alarm clock, but only use it if I need to get up sooner than my body knows when to get up.
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@martymankins, I usually get up before the alarm goes off, but recently, with the cold and the time change, it has not been happening.
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Naked Swiffering huh….interesting.
Check out the iHome alarm clock. Connects to your iPhone/iPod so you can wake to it. Otherwise, you need to find the most annoying sound not assigned to a ringer for that to be an effective alarm. Maybe even record your own. Tell yourself to wake up in a soft soothing voice, or yell at yourself to get your lazy ass out of bed. Either way, you’ll never be confused again.
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@Hockeymandad, that’s the alarm clock I linked to in my post. I’ll be getting that eventually.
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My bed gets made once a week, and if it weren’t for wonderful swiffer, my kitchen and bathroom floors would be disgusting. As for laundry, I miss having a husband who enjoyed doing the laundry. Except when I go to the laundromat.
I love the laundromat. It’s warm, and I’m stuck there till the laundry is done.
You want me to do what? Sorry, I’m at the laundromat. Could be hours.
The laundromat and heavy stop and go traffic are the most relaxing places I know.
Unfortunately, there’s a washer and dryer in my home and I live in a small town, traffic at it’s worst is nothing.
I still go to the laundromat sometimes. As a treat.
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@DangerAmy, you see the laundromat as a treat? Hm.
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@Avitable, Oh yes! There’s even wifi and coffee. It’s almost like doing nothing.
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You’ll make somebody a good wife someday. Seriously, 6 pillows is totally gay.
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@Grant, two pillows, two pillows with shams, and two throw pillows. That makes perfect sense.
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I did that when I first got divorced too. NOT the swiffering nekid – but keeping everything neat and clean. Everyone is different, but for me I think it was a way of feeling like I had some control again. Now, back to swiffering nekid, why is there no video of this yet?!
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@fiwa, nobody wants to see that.
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
Cleaning is increbibly cathartic. I can’t think when my house is messy. That said, now that Steve’s living with me and his schedule allows him to play houseboy (he does the naked swiffering and fitted sheet folding), it feels weird. The other day I insisted on cleaning the bathrooms myself. Not because he does a bad job. My soul just needed to hold a magic eraser and smell windex for a minute.
I’m sick, I know. There’s probably a 12-step program out there for me.
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@Nancy, can he fold fitted sheets? Will he give lessons?
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Twitter: fandpinlv
, March 16th, 2010: 10:10 PM
@Avitable – The secret is to just put them straight back on the bed. No folding necessary. Who needs more than one set anyway? Who do you think you are, Monica from Friends?
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I know what you mean…I never enjoyed doing laundry until I moved out. My mom always did it for me, so I never did it..now I do it all and I enjoy it!
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@Sarcastica, I love the smell of clean laundry.
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I was gone for a week and came home to a made bed. I’d forgotten I’d made it before I left and was pleasantly surprised. It was so nice not to climb into a tangle of sheets last night that I made it again this morning. We’ll have to see how long this lasts.
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@delmer, I say one week.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I love how you pick up Jigsaw by calling her so she comes through her door. That’s just awesome. I appreciate that you share custody of her.
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Wow I am impressed and I have habit envy. Those habits are really positive even the naked “swiffering”, fair play to you.
ps Happy Paddy’s Day!!
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You should get one of those Zen alarm thingies:
http://www.now-zen.com/cgi-bin/orders/shop.pl?ACTION=ENTER+SHOP&thispage=zenclocks&AFFILIATE=&ORDER_ID=!ORDERID!
I want one myself, but since I don’t need an alarm to wake up, I think I’ll use my money for something better, like a house made of bacon.
Great start to your new 100 Things list. I should try Swiffering naked. I mean, I already do all those other things on your list naked…
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Oh, and I’m not affiliated with that Zen Alarm Clock thing at all. I just thought it was cool. Because it is.
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Twitter: habanerogal
says:
The made bed thing reminds me of that movie Along Came Polly with all of the cushions on Ben Stiller’s bed. Always made me chuckle. Your transformation is quite commendable. Would you consider giving workshops to other husbands?
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Naked Swiffering… that should totally be an Olympic sport.
And what’s my ring tone? The Imperial March, I hope.
You should totally get an atomic alarm clock that runs on batteries. Automatically sets its own time, even during time changes. If the power goes out, it’s still running, and I’ve only changed the batteries in mine once and I’ve had it for five years. Awesome!
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Swiffering rocks! I feel so guilty about it because it’s not that environmentally friendly, but if I don’t use it, I don’t clean as much.
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