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Elitist baby names

According to SFGate, a self-professed baby name expert (quick aside: how does one become a baby name expert? Can I be one? Does it entail wearing a crown and carrying a scepter and smacking kids in the head with said scepter, saying “I dub thee Veronicus” and shit like that?) came up with the top 50 “elitist baby names”. Here they are:

Girls:
1. CHARLOTTE
2. SERAPHINA
3. OLIVIA
4. ELIZABETH
5. LUCY
6. ISLA
7. VIOLET
8. SOPHIA
9. ALICE
10. MAISIE
11. AVA
12. SCARLETT
13. LAURA
14. CAROLINE
15. GRACE
16. CLAIRE
17. LILY
18. AMELIA
19. IMOGEN
20. HARPER
21. ELLA
22. MATILDA
23. STELLA
24. JANE
25. EMMA

Boys
1. HENRY
2. FINN
3. OLIVER
4. JAMES
5. ASHER
6. JACK
7. JASPER
8. MAX
9. KAI
10. ATTICUS
11. LIAM
12. JUDE
13. FELIX
14. OWEN
15. QUINN
16. NOAH
17. MICHAEL
18. MILO
19. SAWYER
20. PHINEAS
21. WILLIAM
22. HARPER
23. LEO
24. AUDEN
25. SILAS

The baby name idiot expert says that “these are the names you choose if you summer in the Hamptons and send your kid to a preschool on Bank Street.” This seems like a bunch of bullshit to me. Those aren’t elitist baby names. These are elitist baby names, the names that you give your child if you really, truly want them to grow up to be a douchey snooty fuckwad:

1. Millionairia
2. Pubrecht Farnsworth
3. Falconer
4. Harumphella
5. Bentley
6. Goodrich Richgood
7. JR, Jr.
8. Esmeralda
9. The Situation
10. Royale
11. Smythe

That list should not be confused with the list of names you give your child if you really, truly want them to grow up to be a stripper or porn star:

1. Cherry
2. Sapphire
3. Lance
4. Rod
5. Twinkles
6. Smoky
7. Wondercock

And don’t forget the list of names you give your child if you want their name to be completely unique:

1. Shitfuck
2. Andronicus
3. XIV
4. Nose
5. President
6. Ninja
7. Tupperware
8. P. Diddy
9. Pie
10. Surface Tension
11. Arbitraria

(All lists compiled by yours truly – Adam Heath Avitable, baby name expert.)

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90 Replies to “Elitist baby names”

  1. Faiqa

    Well, obviously, this is a euro-centric list. Because, I can think of two names that would be at the top of the list if it were more international. And, ha, ha, Britt named her daughter an elitist name… naturally because she thinks she’s so much better than us.

  2. Colleen

    Like, 10 of those 25 girl names were on our list when our girls were born. Dammit. I went and chose Zoe and Ana. Now my kids will never get to summer in the Hamptons. I was totally counting on them getting me there too.

  3. Valerie

    According to Freakonomics, in 5-10 years these same names will cycle from the upper crust crowd through society to the less resourced resulting in a whole new name set. A great big cycle.

  4. MIdLifeMama

    I work at a college, which is a great place to collect weird, odd, and downright stupid names. So far this years’ winner is YourMajesty. My prior favorite was Lasagna. We have also had Dimple and Sparkkle. Yes, Sparkkle with two K’s. It is extra sparkley that way. Oddly enough, it is usually women that end up with the dumbass names. The guys just stupid spellings to regular names.

  5. Carolina

    I’m failing as an elitist since my full name is #14 & #1 (in Spanish and English too). Maybe my minority status is holding me back. Damn it Adam. Way to burst my dream of being one kick ass white person.

  6. Robin

    I was really hoping to be an elitist baby, damn. However I’m not surprised at all that my husband’s daughter’s name is on that list, he’s TOTALLY elitist.

    Wait, my middle name is on there, what does that mean?

  7. cat

    Ditto what Valerie said about Freakonomics.

    I never would have guessed Seraphina would be on that list! But I don’t really hang with the elite, so what do I know?

  8. muskrat

    nice. the first and middle names of our two girls are on here. meaning, 4 of the 25. the boy’s first name is on here, but not his middle name. the next one, however, has a name so unique that it falls nowhere on these lists.

    what’s even more interesting to study over time is how names fall from the top tier down to the lower tiers over time, as middle class folks try to name their kids after the wealthier kids their kids know/know of. see, eg, brittany and tiffany (upper tier in the 80s–not so much now).

    my wife and i like to joke about what names from today will be the next generation’s “brittany.” because we’re elitist.

    you would love a book my friend jesse (referenced a couple posts ago) wrote called “superstar names.” it used to be on amazon.

  9. GrandeMocha

    I went to school with twins named Candi and Bambi. I always wondered if they became strippers.

    My name is on the list for the Hamptons & I’ve never been there. I always KNEW I was meant to be rich.

    Does baby name expert pay well? IT isn’t raking in the bucks these days.

  10. Sybil Law

    My name is on the elitist list. Huh. It’s an old name, so I guess that makes sense.
    I didn’t see Adam on there – guess you must bow down to me, or something.
    Seriously – how do you become a baby name expert? I could do that job!

  11. Uncle Gerry

    To do it right you do away with first names and just name the kid with two last names.

    My son went to a tennis camp with a guy named Huntley Montgomery. If he wasn’t rich he would become rich just as a childless couple that buys a minivan will get children.

    If you make it a family policy, you can eventually add roman numerals, for example Adams Heath III. Then ,even if he’s an idiot, he’ll get paid a lot just to put his name on the letterhead.

  12. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    While neither of my current childrens’ names are on the list, several of my other options are on there as well as the names I have picked it should baby number three ever make an appearance.

    My niece has a girl in her class named Your Majesty. No joke.

    My brother graduated with a kid whose name is Prince Something Royal III. No joke.

  13. radioactive tori

    I only have one kid with a name on any of the lists. Thankfully it is not the stripper list. We did have a dog named Oliver for a few days…does that make him an elitist dog?

    I am somewhat embarrassed to admit this but I watched 16 and Pregnant and one of the girls on the show named her baby Bentley.

  14. Nancy

    I like your list much better, especially since my 6YO is on the supposed elitist list. I have some general rules about child naming…

    No naming your kids after cars. SUV’s are especially vile (sorry you parents of Sierras, Dakotas and Escalades)

    Giving your child a personality trait name means they will be everying but that trait. (Here’s to the slutty Chasitys, sadistic Mercys, and tantrum-throwing Faiths).

    If your name ends in an “i,” no one in your adult life will ever take you seriously (yes, that’s you Bambi, Mandi, and Nanci.)

    Please quit with the funky spellings. Your kid will hate you after the gagillionth time he’s had to spell John with a “Z.”

    For God’s sake, think of their initials. I actually have a co-worker who is about to name his son BJ. I want to smack some sense into him with a 2×4. Shitfuck Damn Jones is a far better name, if you ask me.

    I could go on for days…

  15. Poppy

    *blink blink* Laura? My cousin will be so proud. She hated her plain name so much she used to go by Laurie just to spice it up.

    I’m totally naming every single human child I spring forth from my beautiful flower “The Situation”.

  16. Stone Fox

    we like to tell our 5 year old that we have changed his name to:

    Xanxabar Wonderland

    or

    Langdon Houndstooth Wyndemere III

    he still gets riled up about it every time. you’d think he’d learn by now. fuck. guess that means we should have named him Heywood Jablome.

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