According to SFGate, a self-professed baby name expert (quick aside: how does one become a baby name expert? Can I be one? Does it entail wearing a crown and carrying a scepter and smacking kids in the head with said scepter, saying “I dub thee Veronicus” and shit like that?) came up with the top 50 “elitist baby names”. Here they are:
Girls:
1. CHARLOTTE
2. SERAPHINA
3. OLIVIA
4. ELIZABETH
5. LUCY
6. ISLA
7. VIOLET
8. SOPHIA
9. ALICE
10. MAISIE
11. AVA
12. SCARLETT
13. LAURA
14. CAROLINE
15. GRACE
16. CLAIRE
17. LILY
18. AMELIA
19. IMOGEN
20. HARPER
21. ELLA
22. MATILDA
23. STELLA
24. JANE
25. EMMA
Boys
1. HENRY
2. FINN
3. OLIVER
4. JAMES
5. ASHER
6. JACK
7. JASPER
8. MAX
9. KAI
10. ATTICUS
11. LIAM
12. JUDE
13. FELIX
14. OWEN
15. QUINN
16. NOAH
17. MICHAEL
18. MILO
19. SAWYER
20. PHINEAS
21. WILLIAM
22. HARPER
23. LEO
24. AUDEN
25. SILAS
The baby name idiot expert says that “these are the names you choose if you summer in the Hamptons and send your kid to a preschool on Bank Street.” This seems like a bunch of bullshit to me. Those aren’t elitist baby names. These are elitist baby names, the names that you give your child if you really, truly want them to grow up to be a douchey snooty fuckwad:
1. Millionairia
2. Pubrecht Farnsworth
3. Falconer
4. Harumphella
5. Bentley
6. Goodrich Richgood
7. JR, Jr.
8. Esmeralda
9. The Situation
10. Royale
11. Smythe
That list should not be confused with the list of names you give your child if you really, truly want them to grow up to be a stripper or porn star:
1. Cherry
2. Sapphire
3. Lance
4. Rod
5. Twinkles
6. Smoky
7. Wondercock
And don’t forget the list of names you give your child if you want their name to be completely unique:
1. Shitfuck
2. Andronicus
3. XIV
4. Nose
5. President
6. Ninja
7. Tupperware
8. P. Diddy
9. Pie
10. Surface Tension
11. Arbitraria
(All lists compiled by yours truly – Adam Heath Avitable, baby name expert.)
Enjoy this post? Try these:What Not to Name Your Baby
My Murtaugh List. Actually, a Bucket List plus Benadryl
Why Chinese Mothers are Superior, by Amy Chua (a parody)
Grace is an elitist baby name? Am I an elitist baby?
Oh wait.
Yes.
Never mind.
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@Miss Grace, you and your damn silver spoon.
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
I’m proud that my baby’s name is #16.
But it kind of makes me feel poor.
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@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], what? You don’t have a place in the Hamptons? For shame.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Well, obviously, this is a euro-centric list. Because, I can think of two names that would be at the top of the list if it were more international. And, ha, ha, Britt named her daughter an elitist name… naturally because she thinks she’s so much better than us.
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Twitter: missbritt
, March 25th, 2010: 8:12 AM
@Faiqa, whore.
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@Faiqa, what are the two names? Faiqa and Tariq?
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Twitter: Faiqa
, March 25th, 2010: 12:19 PM
@Avitable, Um. Yeah. Closely followed by two OTHER names.
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Sadpants. My kids names didn’t even make it onto the stripper list.
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@bluepaintred, that’s because they have noble, super hero/action hero names.
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@Avitable, welll. Not Blake. I got his name from a romance novel…
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Always wanted to have a girl named Matilda.
For the character from the book of the same name & the Professional. Both young girls who have extraordinary internal strength.
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Twitter: stillcrafty
, March 25th, 2010: 4:58 AM
@Amy, Matilda was also the wife of William the Conqueror, and there was another Matilda who was Empress in her own right. That didn’t last long, but still. Awesome name
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@Amy, Matilda is a great name.
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Yayyy!! ou used ninja again!!!!
bratty babies bite boobies but bitch because birthnames!
what is your email I want to send you something
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@Marta, ninja is always relevant.
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Twitter: amadisonmom
says:
Like, 10 of those 25 girl names were on our list when our girls were born. Dammit. I went and chose Zoe and Ana. Now my kids will never get to summer in the Hamptons. I was totally counting on them getting me there too.
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@Colleen, what’s the point of kids if you can’t live vicariously through their successes?
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According to Freakonomics, in 5-10 years these same names will cycle from the upper crust crowd through society to the less resourced resulting in a whole new name set. A great big cycle.
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@Valerie, that’s pretty crazy!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
The so-called baby name expert has Satran for a last name. Which would immediately make me think of Satan or Saturn before ever being able to pronounce it correctly.
So there.
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@B.E. Earl, that’s exactly what I thought. As I read the article, I kept referring to her as Satan.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
Fuckity, my name’s on the original elitist list.
Also? In my city, Bank Street is in the ghetto. So THERE, Ms. Snobby Elitist Baby Namer.
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, you’re such an elitist.
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I now have a fantastic list of names to pick this baby’s name from. Thanks, Avitable!
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@Andria, why would you need any more names after “Adam Heath”? Boy or girl, it’s perfect.
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Has anyone else noticed all those names are really just the most common British names? British=elitist?
Food for thought
…and P.S. if I have a daughter I am TOTALLY naming her Cherry
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@Petunia, damn snooty Brits.
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I’d love to join you as an expert, thinking of shelling some random kids just so I could name a few more.
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@Socrates, is shelling some type of weird English for procreating or for kidnapping?
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@Avitable, Yes, yes it is. One can said to be shelling out children, as to produce them. Must be taken from chickens or similar.
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Twitter: docslacker
says:
scary fact? andronicus IS quite a powerful name in chile. some rich guys name their sons like that. and here you thought you were being funny.
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@Slacker, heh. I’m accidentally multicultural!
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Twitter: docslacker
, March 25th, 2010: 12:25 PM
@Avitable, it also tells ya that you must have a couple of mill in the bank account not to get beat up with a name like that.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
So does this mean *I* am an elitist, or my daughter is an elitist?
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@Miss Britt, well, you do think you’re awesome and better than everyone else, so it’s clearly you.
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Falconer may just be the best bay name ever.
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@Paticus, I know, right? I’m going to use that one for my next kid.
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Or best “baby” name ever.
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Don’t forget Breweriana, Detritus and Ephemera.
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@RW, I actually like Ephemera, but I’m sure that feeling will pass quickly.
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I work at a college, which is a great place to collect weird, odd, and downright stupid names. So far this years’ winner is YourMajesty. My prior favorite was Lasagna. We have also had Dimple and Sparkkle. Yes, Sparkkle with two K’s. It is extra sparkley that way. Oddly enough, it is usually women that end up with the dumbass names. The guys just stupid spellings to regular names.
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@MIdLifeMama, YourMajesty is AWESOME.
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I’m failing as an elitist since my full name is #14 & #1 (in Spanish and English too). Maybe my minority status is holding me back. Damn it Adam. Way to burst my dream of being one kick ass white person.
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@Carolina, I have faith – you can do it! Dream the impossible dream!
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HAHAHAHA… the situation.
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@elle, somebody watches Jersey Shore!
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I was really hoping to be an elitist baby, damn. However I’m not surprised at all that my husband’s daughter’s name is on that list, he’s TOTALLY elitist.
Wait, my middle name is on there, what does that mean?
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@Robin, that you should now refer to yourself as R. Elizabeth.
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Ditto what Valerie said about Freakonomics.
I never would have guessed Seraphina would be on that list! But I don’t really hang with the elite, so what do I know?
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@cat, you don’t hobnob with the rich and famous? All my illusions are shattered now.
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@Avitable, Yeah, sorry… unless serving them hors d’oeuvres counts!
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Twitter: bubblewench
says:
Lovin this since not even trying to get pregs yet, had a fight over baby names with hubs already! Printing this and letting him read it. Too funny.
I think we’ll go with Royale.. with Cheese please.
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@bubblewench, or Striking Fist of Doom.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
nice. the first and middle names of our two girls are on here. meaning, 4 of the 25. the boy’s first name is on here, but not his middle name. the next one, however, has a name so unique that it falls nowhere on these lists.
what’s even more interesting to study over time is how names fall from the top tier down to the lower tiers over time, as middle class folks try to name their kids after the wealthier kids their kids know/know of. see, eg, brittany and tiffany (upper tier in the 80s–not so much now).
my wife and i like to joke about what names from today will be the next generation’s “brittany.” because we’re elitist.
you would love a book my friend jesse (referenced a couple posts ago) wrote called “superstar names.” it used to be on amazon.
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@muskrat, so unique, eh? I’m intrigued.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
I went to school with twins named Candi and Bambi. I always wondered if they became strippers.
My name is on the list for the Hamptons & I’ve never been there. I always KNEW I was meant to be rich.
Does baby name expert pay well? IT isn’t raking in the bucks these days.
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@GrandeMocha, of course they became strippers. What choice did they have?
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
, March 25th, 2010: 12:12 PM
@Avitable, Porn star
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
Claire is a fat girl’s name.
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@GrandeMocha, I don’t think that’s true. Eclaire is a fat girl’s name, though.
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Twitter: GrandeMocha
, March 25th, 2010: 12:12 PM
@Avitable,
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Claire&defid=4679667
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My name is on the elitist list. Huh. It’s an old name, so I guess that makes sense.
I didn’t see Adam on there – guess you must bow down to me, or something.
Seriously – how do you become a baby name expert? I could do that job!
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@Sybil Law, I’m above elitist. I’m on the “God Names” list.
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Twitter: bobutler
says:
Whew. For a while there I was worried that ninjas wouldn’t show up.
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@bo, ninjas always show up. When you least expect them.
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*sniffs deeply* Aaaaaah… I can smell the Hamptons already… and my girl’s name is in order at #11 & 12, and my boy made #3. Cool. I’m gonna be RICH, BIYOCH!!
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@Grumble Girl, you should start laying those expectations on your kids’ shoulders RIGHT NOW!!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
This, of course, just proves that I am superior. And a boy, apparently.
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@Finn, it was your massive penis that tipped me off.
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To do it right you do away with first names and just name the kid with two last names.
My son went to a tennis camp with a guy named Huntley Montgomery. If he wasn’t rich he would become rich just as a childless couple that buys a minivan will get children.
If you make it a family policy, you can eventually add roman numerals, for example Adams Heath III. Then ,even if he’s an idiot, he’ll get paid a lot just to put his name on the letterhead.
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@Uncle Gerry, that’s true. Roman numerals automatically make someone important!
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Twitter: twinmomoftwinz
says:
I wonder how much being a baby name expert pays ?
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@Stacey, probably depends if you can make an Oprah appearance happen or not.
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Twitter: whithonea
says:
Shoot, we only had one name on the elitist list. I hope that doesn’t mean my other kid is going to be folksy.
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@Whit, folksy, gay, or a serial killer. Sorry, man.
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I’m deeply offended that Shartblossom didn’t make any of the lists.
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Nice list, but you forgot Name. As in: “Your parent’s named you Name? Christ, you never had a fucking chance!”
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
While neither of my current childrens’ names are on the list, several of my other options are on there as well as the names I have picked it should baby number three ever make an appearance.
My niece has a girl in her class named Your Majesty. No joke.
My brother graduated with a kid whose name is Prince Something Royal III. No joke.
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I only have one kid with a name on any of the lists. Thankfully it is not the stripper list. We did have a dog named Oliver for a few days…does that make him an elitist dog?
I am somewhat embarrassed to admit this but I watched 16 and Pregnant and one of the girls on the show named her baby Bentley.
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I am now officially sorry that I won’t ever have a child I can name “Nose”. Body-part names have clearly been underrated.
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I’ve never even been to the Hamptons. Fucking four year old obviously is failing me as a Liam.
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Twitter: Zakary
says:
My friend’s step-daughter is named Myrycal (miracle).
Also, I might get pregnant just so I can name my new baby President Shitfuck.
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
I like your list much better, especially since my 6YO is on the supposed elitist list. I have some general rules about child naming…
No naming your kids after cars. SUV’s are especially vile (sorry you parents of Sierras, Dakotas and Escalades)
Giving your child a personality trait name means they will be everying but that trait. (Here’s to the slutty Chasitys, sadistic Mercys, and tantrum-throwing Faiths).
If your name ends in an “i,” no one in your adult life will ever take you seriously (yes, that’s you Bambi, Mandi, and Nanci.)
Please quit with the funky spellings. Your kid will hate you after the gagillionth time he’s had to spell John with a “Z.”
For God’s sake, think of their initials. I actually have a co-worker who is about to name his son BJ. I want to smack some sense into him with a 2×4. Shitfuck Damn Jones is a far better name, if you ask me.
I could go on for days…
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
*blink blink* Laura? My cousin will be so proud. She hated her plain name so much she used to go by Laurie just to spice it up.
I’m totally naming every single human child I spring forth from my beautiful flower “The Situation”.
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The nice thing about a name like Wondercock is that you have no worries what you will do for a profession when you grow up (or at least when you turn 18)
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we like to tell our 5 year old that we have changed his name to:
Xanxabar Wonderland
or
Langdon Houndstooth Wyndemere III
he still gets riled up about it every time. you’d think he’d learn by now. fuck. guess that means we should have named him Heywood Jablome.
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I am SO relieved! My children’s names are NOT elitist, millionaire-ish, pornstar material, or supremely unique. I have saved them from all of those fates.
J.
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I just read Nancy’s comment. My name ends in an “i”. It all makes sense now.
J.
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LOL, both my cats are on the first list: Seraphina and Gracie.
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