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What Would Jesus Do?

In the spirit of Easter, I thought I’d discuss the top 10 things that Jesus would do if the resurrection happened today:

  1. Appear on Oprah and she’d give everyone a free “LOOOOAAAF OF BREEEEAAADDD!”
  2. Stare down Fred Phelps on national TV until he cried.
  3. Go to Walt Disney World. Part the lines and go on Space Mountain over and over again.
  4. Raise Kurt Cobain from the dead so that they can hang out.
  5. Invite everyone over for Cadbury Creme Eggs and never run out, even though he started off with the last three that the grocery store had in stock.
  6. Trade in the sandals for some Crocs.
  7. Have a little “come to Jesus” talk with the Pope about the child abuse scandal.
  8. Help Obama make up with Israel. Forgive the Jews for that whole betrayal/crucifixion thing.
  9. Catch the 10:30 show of “Hot Tub Time Machine” because man, he really loves John Cusack.
  10. Start telling random people that they’d better build an ark, and then laugh and say “No, I’m just kidding. Or am I?”

Happy Easter!

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26 Replies to “What Would Jesus Do?”

  1. Hockeymandad

    I think he would also go pay a visit to the Vatican and slap the shit out of some folks. We would see angry Jesus there yelling “what the fuck is wrong with you assholes” and then he would put on some doc martins and do some major shit kicking. When he was done, he’d put his crocs back on and probably go skiing. I don’t think he’s ever been skiing.

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