I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

My Refrigerator by the Numbers

Since getting divorced, I’ve found that I am tidier and more fastidious than before. I don’t know if it’s because there’s only one person who needs cleaning up after or just that I’m more responsible for the entire place when I have a higher sense of ownership over everything in each room, but it’s definitely a surprising (and quite positive) result to come from something so negative and painful. It’s good to know that my habits have improved since the last time I was single, when I would hold off on doing laundry until I had absolutely no clothes left, never did dishes until there was mold, and couldn’t even see the floor of my apartment. Now, I do my laundry weekly, including washing my sheets and towels, my dishes are cleaned immediately, and I tidy the house constantly.

There’s one area where I haven’t matured, though, and that’s grocery shopping. Keeping a well-stocked refrigerator has proven to be a challenge, and I fear it’s one I’m not up to overcoming! Here’s what my refrigerator consists of right now:

  1. Butter. Plenty of butter. Nothing to cook with the butter.
  2. Three two-liter bottles of soda, which I don’t drink, in case a party happens to show up at my house unexpectedly.
  3. Squeezable bottle of Duke’s mayonnaise, which is the best mayo I’ve tasted. And I’m a mayonnaise connoisseur.
  4. Marinade for chicken that I don’t have.
  5. Ranch, which goes well with everything on Earth, including mixed with . . .
  6. . . . barbecue sauce!
  7. Baconnaise, which is just bacon-flavored mayonnaise. Also not pictured, because it’s hiding behind the ranch: Another jar of mayonnaise.
  8. Baking soda – for that fresh smell. Or moisture absorbency. Or it’s an old wives tale. I really don’t understand why that’s there.
  9. Blue Gatorade. Does not taste like blueberry, disappointingly.
  10. Tonic Water. See #2.
  11. Hershey’s chocolate syrup, although there is no milk nor ice cream on which one might pour said liquid chocolate deliciousness. There are, however, frozen burritos in the freezer, and chocolate syrup applied to burritos is always delish.
  12. Ketchup. In case I run out of mayo.
  13. Hot dogs. Pork anuses, snouts, and foreskins, all jammed into one tasty casing.
  14. Enough soda to last three days.
  15. More hot dogs – gotta keep up my protein!
  16. Water. I drink 4-8 bottles of it a day, so I have to buy cases at a time. If only there were a way to get water for free . . .
  17. Oh look! More hot dogs, but these are quarter pound Nathan’s hot dogs, in case I feel like gourmet food.
  18. Real Sweet Cream Butter. To, um, spread on my hot dogs? (No, just kidding. That’s gross. I use mayo instead.)
  19. Cold Cuts that are two weeks old. I will not throw them away until they get up and throw themselves away first.
  20. Kitteh!
  21. Cool magnets showing my bad-ass bachelor side. There’s one from Christmas, one from South Dakota, one from Iowa, a Coal Miner’s Granddaughter magnet, superheroes, ooh, and see – a skull and crossbones that glows in the dark! Bad. Ass.

Maturity, shmaturity – anyone up for some hot dogs and mayo?

85 thoughts on “My Refrigerator by the Numbers”

  1. please please please become even remotely eco-conscious and brita or tap or whatever, b/c that many bottles of water a day is an absolute travesty…

  2. Tack on an extra responsibility to your housekeeper and have her pick up some groceries for you on a weekly basis. Start off small but get some diversity in your diet. Thinking of you eating hot dogs and mayonaisse all the time made me think of your clogging arteries. You recycle right? So the water bottles aren’t soooo bad.

  3. Random question: do you always buy your soda (the stuff you consume, not the party stuff) in cans? Is it because the 2L bottles go flat too fast or the fact that you make more dishes to wash that way? I ask because when I was single I always bought the 2L because they were the most cost-effective, and I didn’t mind rinsing a cup out every so often.

    1. @SciFi Dad, I don’t like how it tastes out of a 2-liter. And I can’t drink out of a can directly, after the lap-band, so I pour it into a cup before I drink it. I use plastic cups, though. 🙂

  4. I’ve given you grocery shopping tips and I’m assuming Britt has too.
    You didn’t even do too bad your first time.

    I feel like we should go to the grocery store with you, walking a few feet behind with a buzzer.

      1. @Miss Britt, you’re thinking too small. Go for the Taser. (and that’s just because he doesn’t believe in recycling – don’t even get me started on the contents of his frig!)

  5. Oh my god, dude! That’s the saddest refrigerator I’ve ever seen the insides of… okay, maybe not EVER, but I’m going to move in with you for a while and cook you some stuff. Right after I buy you some groceries that don’t have any snouts and foreskins in them. And for goodness sake, son… the bottles and cans!! I know you know… at the very least, just clap your hands. Heh.

      1. @Avitable, if assholes counted as food…
        It’s sad that hot dogs are the closest thing to food in that fridge. The rest is edible oil product & sugar water.
        Dude. You’re fucking killing yourself. Not cool.

  6. Upon which shelf do you keep the back wax? Or is that more of a freezer item?

    Seriously, nice fridge. And it is a sign of maturity that every item is still identifiable.
    My inventory would say things like: #18 – Curry? Or maybe old mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving?

  7. Can I have fries with that? I like to mix the ketchup and mayo together for fries. Yum.

    Oh, and you have to open the baking soda in order for it to work. Unless it’s that box with the side vents. And yes, it works.

  8. I despise grocery shopping and I have a family of 4-6 to feed at any given time. I have been known to wait until my kids are complaining and actually begging me to shop before I do it.

    I love having a full refrigerator and plenty of options to choose from when thinking about meals – it’s just the process of going to the store and actually buying the groceries that has me all tied up in knots.

    Sad, right?

    I didn’t always hate it. In college I loved leisurely going down the aisles and picking things out. Although then I’m sure it was enjoyable because I was spending my parents’ money. Not quite as fun when I get to the checkout and the bill equals $300+ dollars.

    But I love clothes and shoe shopping…

    Go figure.

    And yes I know I have issues, So what.

  9. I am much tidier when I live alone. Not because my roomie is a slob, but just because when I know I can control an environment, I am more likely to put energy into it. That probably doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it is.

    I also go through a crazy amount of ranch! But dude, you need some healthy food in there, stat!

      1. @Avitable, I don’t know if we can talk anymore. *sniffle* But seriously, you’ve got to have Frankie’s. They’re famous up here, and knowing that there’s one down in Florida makes me feel even better about moving down there someday. They even have fried broccoli! 😀

  10. from one single person to another…imma punch you in the fucking throat for drinking so much water from plastic, be they bottles or cups. first of all, water tastes SO much better from glass or ceramic. second of all, the fucking environment, you fuck.

    look, i realize that you aren’t a huge fan of doing the dishes, but the great thing about drinking so much water is that it is water for fuck’s sake. that means you don’t have to wash the drinking vessel after you get to the bottom. they are your lips so you don’t have to worry about germs and there is nothing to foster the growth of mold or other icky shit…you are drinking water! you alone are drinking water. when you get down towards the end of the glass, when there is just a little left in your glass, add more. (or do what i do and use that little bit to top off the dogs’ water bowls.) constant stimulation of the water. FUCKING WATER. it doesn’t go bad. and you can add an ice cube or twelve if it gets too warm. this way you only have one glass a day. or week. or month.

    i’ll go ahead and freely admit to having the world’s most awesome, huge, hand thrown mug that i will only put water in. no coffee stains, no juice, no pop, no nuttin but water. and i *might* wash that bitch once a month. i don’t get sick often and if i do it is because some asshole sneezed or coughed on me, not because i have a water mug that holds nothing except water that is constantly being refreshed.

    get a water filtration system from nikken or go the cheap way and get a fucking brita thingy, but dammit, knock off killing my environment with the plastic bottles and cups. besides, you’ll also save money since you won’t be buying cases of water. if you don’t switch your evil ways i’ll have a certain small blonde punch you in the port every day until i can get my ass down there to knock some damn sense into you.


    1. @hello haha narf, that’s disgusting. I’d never use the same cup over and over again. There are still bacteria and germs that get in there, you know. And I really like the taste when it comes from plastic bottles. I also have a shit-ton of styrofoam plates!

  11. I’m on the fridge! I’m on the fridge! Woo hoo!

    *Deep breath*

    Dude. You can do this whole grocery-shopping thing. If I can do it with three cantankerous toddlers, you can do it with just yourself and a list. Seriously.

    And I’d do what Becky says. She’s PISSED!

  12. Dude, you have way too many things ending in ‘-naise’ in that fridge! Also, Ranch and barbecue sauce? This intrigues me.

    Love the cleanliness of your fridge. Makes mine look like it should be on “Hoarders”.

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