Since getting divorced, I’ve found that I am tidier and more fastidious than before. I don’t know if it’s because there’s only one person who needs cleaning up after or just that I’m more responsible for the entire place when I have a higher sense of ownership over everything in each room, but it’s definitely a surprising (and quite positive) result to come from something so negative and painful. It’s good to know that my habits have improved since the last time I was single, when I would hold off on doing laundry until I had absolutely no clothes left, never did dishes until there was mold, and couldn’t even see the floor of my apartment. Now, I do my laundry weekly, including washing my sheets and towels, my dishes are cleaned immediately, and I tidy the house constantly.
There’s one area where I haven’t matured, though, and that’s grocery shopping. Keeping a well-stocked refrigerator has proven to be a challenge, and I fear it’s one I’m not up to overcoming! Here’s what my refrigerator consists of right now:
- Butter. Plenty of butter. Nothing to cook with the butter.
- Three two-liter bottles of soda, which I don’t drink, in case a party happens to show up at my house unexpectedly.
- Squeezable bottle of Duke’s mayonnaise, which is the best mayo I’ve tasted. And I’m a mayonnaise connoisseur.
- Marinade for chicken that I don’t have.
- Ranch, which goes well with everything on Earth, including mixed with . . .
- . . . barbecue sauce!
- Baconnaise, which is just bacon-flavored mayonnaise. Also not pictured, because it’s hiding behind the ranch: Another jar of mayonnaise.
- Baking soda – for that fresh smell. Or moisture absorbency. Or it’s an old wives tale. I really don’t understand why that’s there.
- Blue Gatorade. Does not taste like blueberry, disappointingly.
- Tonic Water. See #2.
- Hershey’s chocolate syrup, although there is no milk nor ice cream on which one might pour said liquid chocolate deliciousness. There are, however, frozen burritos in the freezer, and chocolate syrup applied to burritos is always delish.
- Ketchup. In case I run out of mayo.
- Hot dogs. Pork anuses, snouts, and foreskins, all jammed into one tasty casing.
- Enough soda to last three days.
- More hot dogs – gotta keep up my protein!
- Water. I drink 4-8 bottles of it a day, so I have to buy cases at a time. If only there were a way to get water for free . . .
- Oh look! More hot dogs, but these are quarter pound Nathan’s hot dogs, in case I feel like gourmet food.
- Real Sweet Cream Butter. To, um, spread on my hot dogs? (No, just kidding. That’s gross. I use mayo instead.)
- Cold Cuts that are two weeks old. I will not throw them away until they get up and throw themselves away first.
- Cool magnets showing my bad-ass bachelor side. There’s one from Christmas, one from South Dakota, one from Iowa, a Coal Miner’s Granddaughter magnet, superheroes, ooh, and see – a skull and crossbones that glows in the dark! Bad. Ass.
Maturity, shmaturity – anyone up for some hot dogs and mayo?