After taking an intense online thirty-second course in astrology, I have decided to embark on my new career as a cool psychic horoscoping guy:
Overindulgence in drink over the past few days could be causing you to feel a little out of sorts today, Aries. And while you might be the most concerned about waking up naked in an alley next to two homeless men, it’s more important to be aware of the subsequent sex tape.
A strong desire for tacos could come over you today, Taurus. However, there is a chance that if you give in, you may not reach the bathroom before sharting. Avoid that taco stand on the corner run by that greasy guy with the sweat stains.
A moody family member might have you confused, Gemini. It’s only PMS and she doesn’t really think you’re a “skanky shitbag fuckstick” but for the future, it may be a good idea to avoid mocking “Glee”.
Cancer, you might want to spend most of today outside, because a piece of blue ice dropped from a 747’s toilet tank is going to fall directly on your house. Forgetting to pay your homeowner’s insurance is really going to bite you in the ass.
Money problems could be on your mind, Leo, perhaps more so than necessary. You probably should have bought your insulin instead of that new iPad. Maybe your neighbor will let you pick oranges from their tree to get you by in the meantime?
Virgo, today you might look in the mirror and panic about your appearance. Don’t worry, that errant snot has only been hanging from your nose for about three hours. Only fourteen people noticed, and only one laughed to himself. If an opportunity to find and use a tissue presents itself, take full advantage.
Your artistic abilities could seem a bit blocked today, Libra. Try looking for a muse at the grocery store or laundromat. You can just keep her in your basement until your ideas flow again.
Today you could have a strong desire to get out and socialize, Scorpio. Don’t bother. Nobody’s going to be home, so your socialization will be limited to Twitter. Your incessant replies to every single person will result in six people unfollowing you. It’s okay!
You might have an important networking opportunity present itself, Sagittarius. Today is not the day to wear your T-shirt that says “Who farted?”
Today, when Swiffering naked, you may spill cleaning supplies on your genitals. Keep 911 on your speed dial, and contemplate a maid service for the future.
Pisces, you may have woken up with a bad taste in your mouth, but it’s not foreshadowing for your day. It just means that a spider or roach crawled in your mouth when you were sleeping last night and you accidentally ate it. Brush your teeth and move on!