Today is April 20th. While it might be best known for a holiday to celebrate marijuana (after students in 1971 met at 4:20 every afternoon to smoke pot), it’s also the birthday of Adolf Hitler. What better day to interview the tiny megalomaniac?
Me: Hi Skippy, how’s it going?
AH: What is this Skippy of which you speak?
Me: That’s my nickname for you.
AH: Ah. I like, I like!
Me: Oh, well, as long as you like it, that’s all that matters. So, still hating on the Jews?
AH: Ja, ja. (chuckles)
Me: It’s not really funny. You’re responsible for one of the worst cases of human extermination in recent history.
AH: No, I know this. But it remind me of very funny joke.
AH: Okay! Joke goes: I want to kill all der Jews and one clown.
Me: Why a clown?
AH: See? Nobody cares about der Jews!
Me: That’s . . . horrible.
AH: But is funny, ja!
Me: Sigh. Maybe a little.
AH: I knew it! But is okay, I have now reformed.
Me: You have?
AH: Ja, ja. I have spent many years in hell paying for der error of my ways.
Me: Well, I’d say many people believe, and I’m right along with them, that you could probably spend eternity in hell and still not pay for the error of your ways.
AH: I have reformed. I now think that der Jews are amazing! I made a huge mistake.
Me: I don’t believe you.
AH: Nein! Nein! This is true! I love der Jews.
Me: I’m really suspicious of your sudden attitude change. I think you’re just trying to use this interview to get rid of people’s negative impression of you.
AH: Nein. I love them. I love der way they can haggle and get good deals and use der semantics to always win!
Me: Aha! See – even under your protestations, you’re just perpetuating the same old hurtful stereotypes. You are a faker, sir.
AH: Please. You must help me! I need the world to know that I love der Jews!
Me: I would never help you, and why do you need the world to know this?
AH: Well, you know how der Jews run der media and der finance industry and der medical and legal industries?
Me: I know that you think they do.
AH: (in hushed whisper) They also run der Hell!
Two devils enter the room, with name tags that say “Moishe” and “Jacob”.
MOISHE THE DEVIL: Okay, Mr. Hitler, enough already with the yapping. Let’s go already.
AH: Nein! NEIN! NEEEIIIIINNNNN!!!! I LOOOOVE DERRR JEWWWWWWS!!! (His screams fade as they drag him away).
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Martin Luther King, Jr.