Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My Interview with Adolf Hitler

Today is April 20th. While it might be best known for a holiday to celebrate marijuana (after students in 1971 met at 4:20 every afternoon to smoke pot), it’s also the birthday of Adolf Hitler. What better day to interview the tiny megalomaniac?

Me: Hi Skippy, how’s it going?

AH: What is this Skippy of which you speak?

Me: That’s my nickname for you.

AH: Ah. I like, I like!

Me: Oh, well, as long as you like it, that’s all that matters. So, still hating on the Jews?

AH: Ja, ja. (chuckles)

Me: It’s not really funny. You’re responsible for one of the worst cases of human extermination in recent history.

AH: No, I know this. But it remind me of very funny joke.

Me: Yeah?

AH: Okay! Joke goes: I want to kill all der Jews and one clown.

Me: Why a clown?

AH: See? Nobody cares about der Jews!

Me: That’s . . . horrible.

AH: But is funny, ja!

Me: Sigh. Maybe a little.

AH: I knew it! But is okay, I have now reformed.

Me: You have?

AH: Ja, ja. I have spent many years in hell paying for der error of my ways.

Me: Well, I’d say many people believe, and I’m right along with them, that you could probably spend eternity in hell and still not pay for the error of your ways.

AH: I have reformed. I now think that der Jews are amazing! I made a huge mistake.

Me: I don’t believe you.

AH: Nein! Nein! This is true! I love der Jews.

Me: I’m really suspicious of your sudden attitude change. I think you’re just trying to use this interview to get rid of people’s negative impression of you.

AH: Nein. I love them. I love der way they can haggle and get good deals and use der semantics to always win!

Me: Aha! See – even under your protestations, you’re just perpetuating the same old hurtful stereotypes. You are a faker, sir.

AH: Please. You must help me! I need the world to know that I love der Jews!

Me: I would never help you, and why do you need the world to know this?

AH: Well, you know how der Jews run der media and der finance industry and der medical and legal industries?

Me: I know that you think they do.

AH: (in hushed whisper) They also run der Hell!

Two devils enter the room, with name tags that say “Moishe” and “Jacob”.

MOISHE THE DEVIL: Okay, Mr. Hitler, enough already with the yapping. Let’s go already.

AH: Nein! NEIN! NEEEIIIIINNNNN!!!! I LOOOOVE DERRR JEWWWWWWS!!! (His screams fade as they drag him away).

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Peter Graves
Corey Haim
My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

33 thoughts on “My Interview with Adolf Hitler”

    1. @Miss Britt, it depends if, hypothetically, the same person also makes jokes about stabbing babies when she – or, er – said person is hungry. Because all those consecutive years add up.

  1. That Hitler. He has a wicked sense of humor.

    I interact with Jews all the time. Just the other day, I asked one if his kids go to a Catholic private school.
    Another time, I advised a room full of them (while speaking at a synagogue) to set aside savings for Christmas.
    See how sensitive I am to religious differences? We should hang out over steak sometime and see whom we can offend.

  2. Hmmm, how could a Muslim Paki comment on this post and remain politically correct?
    Can’t be done. So, here you go:

    “That was so not funny. Just not funny. I did not laugh at any point in this post. Can’t we all just get along, let love rule, make love not war, we are all one, imagine all the people.

    Oh. And I do not for the record, and I repeat, do NOT believe the Jews should be driven into the sea.”

    1. @Faiqa, you worry about being Muslim Paki and remaining politically correct? I laughed. And I’m german. Moishe and Jacob should be here any minute…

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