This will be the first April 22nd in 11 years that I haven’t given a gift. It’s the first time in over a decade that I haven’t had flowers delivered, sometimes multiple dozens to multiple locations. Tonight I won’t be going to a nice restaurant or throwing a party.
I go overboard on birthdays. I come up with nice gifts and throw lavish parties. I love to give, and the act of giving someone a gift is, in my opinion, one of life’s greatest pleasures. And when I know someone well, there is nothing more satisfying than coming up with a gift that they love but had no idea was coming.
It is taking every ounce of willpower I have not to buy a present, a plant, or even a birthday card. All I want to do is wrap something up and drop it off. I don’t need to see her get it or watch her open it. But everyone deserves to have their birthdays acknowledged. Everyone deserves a gift. And even at this point, I still want to give . . . something.
But I know that I can’t. It sends the wrong message. It gives hope where there can be none and breaks down walls that have been erected by necessity. All I can do is say that I know this won’t be your happiest birthday, but that I hope it’s not your worst. And I wish for you to have many birthdays that are amazing and happy and filled with gifts and loved ones and parties. I wish for this with all of my heart.
Enjoy this post? Try these:30 Days of Truth Day 11: Compliments
30 Days of Truth Day 9: Who has drifted from my life?
30 Days of Truth Day 6: I Hope I Never
Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
Adam, I think this is a gift in and of itself. But if you need to add a birthday to your calendar to celebrate, mine’s in late October.
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@Nancy from Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, what date exactly, hm?
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Twitter: redlotusmama
says:
I think that post alone was a good gift.
I totally know what you mean. I am the type of person that if I see something that is JUST PERFECT for someone I will buy it for them. After being with someone for 8 years it’s hard to not do that when I know I shouldn’t. I walk away thinking “he would have loved that”. Then I give myself a reality check and forgive myself.
It will probably never go away. 11 years is a long time. But, it will get easier.
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@Red Lotus Mama, yeah, I’ve had those moments already, where I see something and think “Oh, she would love that” but have to remind myself that I can’t buy it.
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I am proud of you.
And your buttered popcorn.
And your fried tilapia.
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@Chiquita, aww, thank you.
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Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
I’m sorry.
Shit. I’m horrible at thinking of things to say.
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@Ashleigh, it’s okay – taking the time to say anything at all is wonderful enough.
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Twitter: kimt205
says:
I’m sorry too. I’m like Ashleigh, I don’t know what to say.
I could try, but then I’d sound like an asshole.
So, ((hugs)) and stuff.
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@Kim, well, now I’m intrigued as to what you’d say that would sound like an asshole! C’mon!! Email me!
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Knowing you as well as I do, I know this is really bugging you. You’re doing the right thing. I’m sure you know that, but still. Big hugs my dear sweet bud bud. xoxo
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@Karen Sugarpants, omg would you stop hitting on me?
Hahahahaha! Thanks. Really.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
, April 22nd, 2010: 9:27 AM
@Avitable, you’re such a dick.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
You know. This just makes the fact that you didn’t technically get ME anything for my birthday even more of a “fuck you.” Bastard. Oh, sorry, you wanted sympathy, right? Fine. I AM SO SORRY YOU DIDN’T GET ME ANYTHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY, I FEEL AWFUL FOR YOU.
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@Faiqa, I know. *sob* Can you ever forgive me? *sob*
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Oh, this is heartbreaking. Sometimes holding back is the right thing, even though it doesn’t feel right. Happy thoughts, hey . . .
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@Elly, I do think it’s the right thing – had to think long and hard about it, though.
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
Dude, my birthday was LAST month.
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@Dave2, didn’t you get the midget clown that I hired to sneak into your apartment and surprise you with a birthday wish?
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Twitter: laurie_pooh
says:
Breaks my heart. :sniff: You are very brave to publicly share though, and really like the others said, this is a gift in itself.
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@Laurie, well, I don’t know if it’s a gift. I hope she doesn’t see it, because I don’t think she’d take it in the vein that it’s meant.
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Hang in there, love. To both of you.
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@fiwa, thank you.
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Twitter: GingerSnaps
says:
*hugs*
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@Ginger, thanks.
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
::hugs::
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@Lisa, I totally need a hugs smiley, I have decided. Thank you.
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I have to disagree with those who said the post is a gift. Its not a gift. Its honest, it says what should be said. But its not a gift. I’m in the middle of my own divorce and I can tell you that words and intent mean a very great deal — but they don’t make up for the fact that someone you’ve spent the last x number of years meaning everything to is no longer the primary person you get a gift from on your birthday. Or that you can’t really give a gift to the other person on their birthday, knowing that they are hurting because you didn’t/couldn’t. I went through it on both sides (his birthday, my birthday) back in December.
No matter who left who, no matter whether you believe there is a hope of things working out or not. That first birthday, post-split just SUCKS for both of you.
I feel bad for you both. And I can totally empathize with how you feel. Its good you said something. You know its not enough…but you can’t do anything about that, and so it hurts. It hurts you both.
Someday it will not hurt so much.
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@Mary P (Barnmaven), it wasn’t designed as a gift – I actually prefer that she not read my blog, because I can’t see that helping in any way, so I know what you mean.
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I feel you on this brother. Recently, on what would have been our sixth anniversary, I sent flowers. No note card, no expectations, just a small bouquet of something I knew she would like. I did this for the same reasons you pointed out, because I knew, if only for a brief moment, it would make her smile.
However, her now boyfriend, went out of his way to smash them against a tree, take a picture of them laying on the ground, and email me the picture. Her response, “I guess he was mad.”
The bottom line, you probably did the right thing by doing nothing. It was much more painful for me to know that my sincere gift was wasted.
People continue to tell me that time heals, and I am sure it will, but that doesn’t mean it will be any easier for you along the way.
Buckets of strength brother, buckets.
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@Corey, ouch, that’s harsh – sorry you had to go through that!
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This sure sucks. I’m sorry.
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@J from Ireland, yeah, but it has to suck a lot more for her. I have a hard time not comparing my pain with hers in situations like this.
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Divorce-ing dude deigns deliveries. Doesn’t dote. Dislikes don’t-ing. Dealing, drearily.
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@avatgardener, On the other had, it is remotely possible that she is celebrating in her own special way, and not even missing your shower of affection.
I have hosted a birthday party Tea Party (not that kind, the one with cups and saucers and cucumber sandwiches) on my birthday for longer than you were married. My circle of friends has grown that I now have 3 parties in order to sit people at my table that seats 8 (if we skootch in).
And way back last century, on my birthday, I took myself to the spa for a day of pampering – - hubby was at sea.
Probably she and her friends will gather and discuss you, in not kind terms. It’s what gals do, in this situation. But you knew that.
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@avatgardener, no, probably not really that possible. Maybe eventually, but not for this birthday.
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Oh, you are a good man.
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@extra ordinary me, I’m not. But thank you.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
Wow. I had no idea you felt so strongly about our planet.
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@SciFi Dad, Earth Day means a lot to me!
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
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@Miss Britt, thanks, babe.
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This post itself is probably the best gift you could give.
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@Jenni, well, the BEST gift I could probably give would be if I died in a car crash and she got all my life insurance. But that’s not going to happen.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
you wouldn’t be the man i know you are if today didn’t bother you.
much love to you.
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@hello haha narf, but what about the girl you know I am too, hm?
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I only know you from your blog, but you seem like a genuinely good guy. It’s very insightful of you to recognize that to do more than this would simply cause more harm than good.
Kudos sir
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@amanda, I try my best. Thanks!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
The fact that this bothers you speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. Good stuff, all.
And if it makes you feel better you can buy me a present.
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@Finn, if you come up here, I will totally buy you a present!
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Oh man, I’m sorry you have this difficulty today. I think this post will serve as an appropriate gift and will be appreciated.
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@Hockeymandad, well, hopefully she won’t read it!
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I love giving gifts outside of holidays and birthdays. I think that is where Manly Man and I have come to, it’s more fun somehow.
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@Robin, yeah, I do that too. But not in lieu of the holiday and birthday, though.
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I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for someone as giving and thoughtful as you.
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@radioactive tori, thank you. I’m also kind of an asshole, too, though.
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You are in my heart and thoughts today. Both of you.
Hugs from Ohio sweetcakes.
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@ADW, thanks. Wanna come visit?
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i’m so sorry
…but you’re doing the right thing.
and like everyone else mentioned: this is gift enough.
hugs!
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@elle, I do know it’s the right thing. It sucks doing that sometimes.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Turn April 22nd into a celebration of Earth Day.
Shower Mother Earth with offerings. Or sperm.
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@B.E. Earl, ooh, I like that second idea.
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I’m not going to read all the maudlin comments you’ve doubtless already gotten, so let me just say that you can buy me a gift any time you feel the need and please don’t commit suicide unless you’ve put me in your will. Also, if your gift is butt sex, I prefer peppermint flavored lube.
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@Grant, done and done.
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Yeah, you’d probably hurt her more if you gave her something (false hope, etcetera), so not giving anything is the best gift you can give at this point.
Sorry… rough day for you, too : (
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@cat, yeah. Rougher for her, so I’ll just stay quiet about it.
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Twitter: twinmomoftwinz
says:
Knowing this about you makes me respect and appreciate you more. I too enjoy giving my loved one gifts that I know are meant just for them and sure to make them smile.
I can only imagine how hard this is. For you and her.
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@Stacey, yeah. Definitely worse for her, though.
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So sorry. Keep growing. It DOES get better. Eventually.
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@Charissa, yeah, I know. Thanks.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
I think the fact that you remember and are acknowledging it here is a gift. That said, *cough* May 23rd *cough cough* is an awesome date to give gifts!
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@Karin, oh is it now?
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Twitter: leeleykeel
says:
hugs. this is the stuff i life that makes me shake my fist and say ” fuck you, life!”
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@leel, well, it’s on a path to getting better, so that’s good.
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It hurts, but you’re doing the right thing. Go do what B.E Earl said!
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@Sybil Law, jack off outside?
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That sucks.
You can just get me double presents. Early September?
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@Miss Grace, ok, fine. I’ll give it to you in August. Heh. It.
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@Avitable, But.
That’s not my birthday.
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@Miss Grace, well, yeah, but that’s when I’ll see you in person! Unless you’re not going to be at BlogHer?
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@Avitable, I’ll be there. With bells on.
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@Miss Grace, sweet!
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This is in-and-of-itself a great birthday present, you lovely human, you.
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@Nenette, aww, thank you, you crazy hippie you.
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Twitter: Zakary
says:
Besides the drawings of your penis, this is probably one of the best thing I’ve seen on here, thank you for being honest.
Divorce can suck it.
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@Zakary, yeah it can.
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Twitter: 3princessmama
says:
You could give to her favorite charity in her name. If you feel like you should do something.
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@Mandi Bone, that’s a good idea, too. Thank you!
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Wow, what a great entry. I know that feeling when you see something in the shop that would be just perfect for that person, and realize that not buying it is the right thing to do. Keep on truckin’, dude.
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@Fluffycat, will do. Thanks.
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I know it’s different and difficult, and that stinks. I do think you’re doing the right thing.
That being said, I think the idea that has been thrown around, that this post is the perfect gift, or a gift at all, is kind of ridiculous. I could have told you that in private, like normal, but… Come on.
So says the butter police.
Fucking bitch touching me, I should have cut her!
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@Clown, I agree with you, butter cop.
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Twitter: thepsychobabble
says:
Your capacity for caring and love and your thoughtfulness and generous spirit always blow me away. For realsy.
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@thepsychobabble, I have an equal capacity for assholishness, too, though, so it all balances out.
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Dang dude, that sounds heart wrenching.
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@The Urban Cowboy, yeah, it can be.
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I can’t imagine how difficult this is for both of you.
And, uh, if it makes you feel better, you can send ME a gift next year on April 21st instead…
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@Chibi Jeebs, now how will I ever remember that?
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Poor Adam.
I’m sorry
PS : At least you got to help me pick out Mike’s present
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@Sheila, that’s true. I got to help someone’s birthday today!
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Twitter: bobutler
says:
God it freaks me out when you get all real and shit. I start looking for multi-colored horsemen descending from the heavens.
You can console yourself with the fact that you WANT to give her a gift, and that you love her enough to know not to.
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@bo, I’m more serious than you’d think.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
It will get easier with time, if that is at all helpful.
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@Poppy, that is. Thank you.
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For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing. My ex husband sent me a gift on my first birthday after we separated. It just ripped my heart out. It wasn’t his intent but it ruined my day and cast a shadow over plans my friends had made with me to celebrate it. I was a mess.
You did the right thing.
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@Dragon, okay, that’s really helpful to know, too.
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When I meet you, I am going to give you a gigantic hug. I just love you.
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@Aunt Becky, can I grab your ass?
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@Avitable, You’d better
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Twitter: Beccas4
says:
I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you and her, my thoughts are with you both
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@Becca, well, it’s definitely harder for her – I feel like I don’t have the right to feel bad about it.
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I’ve been there, sir, and I know how you feel. I know hat doesn’t actually help you, but you’re a strong man to post about it to the world.
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@Rob Gokee, I was so distraught at your post, I left out a “t.”
Really, I swear that’s why.
Fine. my proofreading sucked.
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@Rob Gokee, thanks.
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Even though you are no longer together, it’s hard to just switch off when it comes to occasions, especially after 11 years. I feel for both of you.
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@Selma, it is, and the thought that I will switch it off eventually is sad too.
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Twitter: mrlady
says:
This hit home for me on a very personal level. Let’s just say that, from experience, I can tell you that remembering is gift enough.
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@Mr Lady, thanks, darlin’.
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Wow – that’s the first time I’ve ever CRIED reading an Avitable post.
Must have struck a nerve ….
(Now hand me a tissue, will you?)
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@Twenty Four At Heart, it is? I’ve written at least three tears-worthy post in six years!
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I’m very sad for you, but there is nothing saying that you can’t send a card, saying this:
“I know this won’t be your happiest birthday, but that I hope it’s not your worst. And I wish for you to have many birthdays that are amazing and happy and filled with gifts and loved ones and parties. I wish for this with all of my heart.”
Cause thats perfect.
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@Jennifer, I just texted her “happy birthday” and left it at that.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
i didn’t think she read your blog…still true? this may or may not have made me tear up.
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@muskrat, she doesn’t. Or, didn’t. I don’t know if she does now. I hope not.
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“It gives hope where there can be none and breaks down walls that have been erected by necessity.”
this line made me want to cry. I felt this exact same way on April 19th, but I’m just a girl, I broke down and said happy birthday- barely able to hold back a “I hope your day is every bit as wonderful as you are”, because I know that a comment like that would only be misleading. I don’t like to mislead people, its just hard not to care about people when you do.
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@Destiny, yeah, definitely.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Heh. you said erected.
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@whall, heheheh.
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