Attention: THIS IS THE LONGEST RECAP EVER!
On Thursday, I arrived in Atlanta in the early afternoon and checked into the brand new Loew’s Atlanta, which had only opened about three weeks prior. After unpacking, I headed out to The Vortex with my friend Anna.
I hadn’t seen Anna in about six years and even missed her wedding last year, so it was great to catch up. At the restaurant, I ordered the Elvis Burger, a ground beef patty topped with peanut butter, bacon and fried bananas. It was delicious! I also saw an advertisement on the table for Bacon Vodka. In one of a series of errors in judgment that weekend, I decided to try a bacon vodka and tonic. In my mind, I pictured a drink that took all of the deliciousness of bacon and produced it in liquor form, much like drinking bacon grease. Instead, it was something that tasted like someone dipped bacon in rubbing alcohol. Way to ruin the dream!
After dinner, Anna and I journeyed over to The Independent where she and her husband join a bunch of filmmaker friends for movie trivia night every Thursday. We spent a few hours drinking and answering movie trivia (for the record, Holly Goodhead was the name of the Bond girl in “Moonraker” not “Thunderball”) and our team won! I’d like to say that it was all thanks to me, but I think there was only one question that I knew definitively that the others were unsure about.
Friday morning I woke up leisurely, took a few Excedrin, and headed out for a brunch at the Flying Biscuit, meeting Ali Martell, her awesome husband Gabe, and Kristabella. The restaurant is apparently owned by one of the Indigo Girls, which explains why my eggs came from lesbian chickens. They were, however, the best eggs I’ve ever eaten.
After brunch, we headed back to Ali’s house, where we got to witness her interviewing skills in action. As a part of her job, she had to interview some pretty boy teeny bopper from one of the Disney shows. I thought his insistence on thinking moms in hooded sweatshirts were the hottest type of women was a little creepy, but all I know is that Ali disappeared into the bathroom with his photo for a little while after the interview was over.
I imposed on the Martells for hours and hours, hanging out with the whole family out on the back porch. Ali’s kids were really cool – there is Emily, who is a 14-year old in a 9-year old’s body. She and I bonded over the Glee app for the iPhone and I think she might even be beating me in Words With Friends. The middle child is Josh, and according to him, all fat bearded men look alike. I was tempted to tell him that I was Santa Claus here to take him away from Judaism and to the dark side, but opted not to. Finally, there’s Isabella. This little four-year old is like an adorable Tasmanian Devil, a whirling dervish of activity, random wants and desires. At one point during the night, she announced loudly to nobody in particular: “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE BUTTER?!?” I looked down at my gut and looked at how tiny she was and knew the proper answer was “Not nearly as much as I do.”
Our already awesome day was topped off by a scrumptious meal of Pasta Shells with Baby Bella Mushrooms, Asparagus, and Boursin Sauce, prepared by Gabe. We were joined by another local friend, Darcey, and we ate and talked until I finally took my leave almost 12 hours after beginning my visit.
My main reason for traveling to Atlanta was to go to the wedding of Marisa, my best friend from college. I hadn’t seen her in about seven or eight years, so I was looking forward to that evening. Since I had my day free, I listened to the Internet’s advice and swung by The Varsity for lunch. I had a cheese dog and some onion rings and enjoyed them but didn’t really think it was anything special.
After lunch, I went over to the Georgia Aquarium and the World of Coca-Cola. The Aquarium was gorgeous but absolutely packed, so I went through it pretty quickly. Maybe for my next visit, I’ll go on a less popular day and really take my time to soak everything in. The World of Coke was interesting, although the 4-D movie felt like some type of creepy propaganda film. The best part was the sampling room, where you could taste over 60 different types of Coca-Cola products from around the world. Some were really good and some tasted like sweat from the crack in a baboon’s ass. I recommend staying around Europe, Latin America, and parts of Africa and staying away from Asia or anything that sounds “interesting”.
After touristing, I got back to my hotel and showered just in time to receive Anna, my date to the wedding. Her husband had agreed to loan her to me for the night as long as I didn’t pull my vaunted “dick in a box” trick. We took a cab over to Trees Atlanta where we enjoyed a great ceremony.
The reception was at the same location, so while the bride and groom got photos taken, we sauntered over to the bar. I had taken a cab with the express purpose of being able to get completely and utterly blitzed, but all they had was beer and wine! I wasn’t letting that cab go to waste, goddammit, so I decided to give wine a try. I think it was a hit.
I wish all of my behavior that evening could be excused by the existence of alcohol in my bloodstream, but I was completely sober when I signed Marisa and David’s “Tree of Life”, a large wall-sized replacement for the wedding guest book. (I’m not sure if that’s what it was called – it was Tree of Something). I restrained myself from using the word “fuck” more than once, but I regret that I abstained from using “thundercock” as well.
The wedding and reception were a lot of fun, and I drank and danced and laughed and drank and ate cake and drank and drank and tweeted. And 12 glasses of wine later, Anna and I waited outside on the steps of Trees Atlanta with the security guards while we waited for the taxi that we had called to arrive.
And they turned off the lights and everyone went home and we were still there. And the security guys were SO ANNOYED. So I bribed them so they wouldn’t leave us there to get murdered and/or raped. I totally know I’d get raped. I got a purty mouth.
Finally, an hour later, we called Anna’s husband, and he came and got us and chauffeured us home. I sauntered up to my room, made a video post that I really don’t remember, ordered room service, and had an hour long phone conversation with Maddie Marie that isn’t exactly clear in my head.
Sunday morning, I was up at 6 AM for some god-awful reason. I took some Excedrin, drank some water, and looked back at some of the tweets I sent and photos I took. Oh Jesus. Next time I plan on drinking, I think I’ll leave my phone at home. That’s the best for everyone. In reality, I’m like someone who just discovered booze at the age of 18 or 20. I only drank occasionally in college and only got drunk twice in my life. Now that I’m a little more comfortable with who I am, I’m okay with drinking, but it also means that it’s still a novelty and I will totally act like a fucking idiot at times. I’m hoping that doesn’t last for much longer, because I annoy myself when I do that!
At noon, I was graced with the presence of the lovely geek goddess Heather. We headed out to lunch to the restaurant run by Richard Blais, the fauxhawk sporting chef who SHOULD have won Top Chef two seasons ago, Flip Burger Boutique. I tried the Krispy Kreme milkshake, which OHMYGOD TASTED LIKE LIQUID KRISPY KREME, and the Korean BBQ burger (american wagyu patty, braised short rib, kimchee ketchup, pickled veg, crispy tempura onion), and Heather had the Farm Burger (organic grass-fed beef, smoked mayo, heirloom tomato, local lettuce, grilled vidalia onion, b&b pickles). We also split an order of Vodka Battered Onion Rings with Beer Honey Mustard. Everything was superb and pitch perfect.
After lunch, we headed over to the Oakland Cemetery, where we walked around, looked at cool tombstones and mausoleums, saw Margaret Mitchell’s tomb, and sweated our balls off. Well, I sweated mine off. I think Heather’s are detachable and kept in a waterproof pouch.
We returned to my hotel room and relaxed in the sweet, sweet air conditioning, before heading out to meet a few bloggers at 4th & Swift, a reasonably priced restaurant with what I considered to be upscale food. A few of the bloggers who were going to attend were sick or had other reasons that they couldn’t attend, but I was able to meet Copasetic Beth and her husband Kevin, Grant, and Father Muskrat and his funny and beautiful and pregnanter than pregnant wife. I made several inappropriate jokes about her vagina and offered to assist with the delivery of their child if necessary, and she took it all in stride.
We had a great dinner and except for the time when Grant had a psychotic break and tackled the Asian girl who refilled our water glasses, it was a pretty low-key evening. Even though I was wearing my “Show Me Your Tweets” T-shirt!
Of course, once Muskrat’s wife’s water broke, and I had to deliver their baby girl, Vaginica, right on the table, using salad tongs and my napkin, we were escorted off the property, but I think all in all, it was a good night.
Back at the hotel, I packed up, went to sleep, then got up at 5 AM so I could be on the road by 6:30. I drove through rain that was so thick it was like driving through an ocean and made it back to Orlando safe and sound. Now that I’ve realized how close Atlanta really is, I plan on going back sooner rather than later, as long as the restraining order by the city has expired.