Racial profiling is all the rage now, thanks to Arizona’s new laws, but it’s been an issue for many years. The concept of being pulled over for DWB has been around for awhile. DWB stands for Driving While Black, although it can also stand for Driving While Brown and in one isolated situation, Driving With Bernie. It has also spawned other variations, such as FWM (Flying While Muslim), KWCAB (Kidnapped While Cute And Blonde) and OWBT (Ogled While Big-Titted).
All of this racial profiling may have all of you people thinking that us white folk have it easy, but it’s not true. Unbeknownst to you, there is also a large percentage of whiteys who have been pulled over simply for a DWW, or Driving While White. In fact, last night, as I was coming home from a friend’s house, I was subjected to this harassment. The conversation went something like this:
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: (mumbled under my breath) Probably for a DWW.
Officer: I’m sorry. Did you say that you think I pulled you over for being white?
Officer: Well, you’re right! Thank God you came along, dude.
Officer: Yeah. All night long, it’s just been brothers and Mexicans. I really have been dying to see another white guy.
Me: It is nice to see another member of the secret fraternity of Caucasians.
Officer: That’s right. Honkey in the hizzy!
Me: Don’t do that.
Officer: So, wanna play with my gun? We can shoot at random cars if you want.
Me: I’d rather just use your police computer to look up some new neighbors to see if they’re illegal or not.
Officer: Oh sure! Want some petty cash, too? As you know, all of us in the fraternity keep a few extra thousand at all times in case of a dude in need.
Me: Sure – I wanted to buy tickets to see Paul McCartney and Eminem in concert. Plus I have to pay my dues at the country club.
Officer: Well, help yourself! Did you watch LOST yet?
Me: Yeah, it was amazing! I love that all white people got to see the series finale tonight, a week earlier.
Officer: We have all the perqs. We really do. Want a Zima?
Me: Definitely. Thanks.
Officer: Cheers. Here’s to Whitey!
Officer: Okay, well, it’s been nice talking to you. I hope your day is white and your night even whiter.
Me: Thanks – you too! Long live the society of white dudehood. Good luck pulling over those darkies and Mexicans!
See? So don’t come crying to me next time some police officer asks to see your immigration papers just because you have slightly darker skin than I do. I have my own burdens to bear.