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10 things about @alimartell on this auspicious day

Today, my friends, is the 32nd birthday of the hilarious Ali Martell. If you don’t read her, you have a huge gaping hole in your life of which you are completely unaware. In her honor, I have written ten things about Ali some of which may or may not be true. But let’s just pretend they’re all true!

  1. If you remove her glasses and if she had gray old man’s hair, she looks like George Herbert Walker Bush.
  2. She’d rather BE Jon Hamm (Don Draper from Mad Men) than FUCK Jon Hamm.
  3. If anyone else was as finicky an eater as she is, they’d be dead from starvation. It’s only because she’s able to derive enough nutrients from her daily coffee to fuel her tiny, tiny body that she is still alive.
  4. She used to have four children, but she sold one of them to get these hawt glasses.
  5. Just like me, she hates vomiting more than she hates Sayid from LOST (pre-sacrificial explosion).
  6. Also just like me, Ali will not poop anywhere but home. And that’s why we will both probably die from impacted colons. It’s a skill, people.
  7. ALSO ALSO like me, she’d much rather drink a fountain soda than a glass of wine.
  8. Ali rarely wears deodorant, but up close, she still smells like fairy dust and cinnamon.
  9. Ali once starred in an adult film called “Farho”, in which she had lesbian sex with a Frances McDormand lookalike.
  10. She can beat any man, woman, child, or monkey in arm wrestling, even while drunk. If you see her out, challenge her and see!

Happy birthday, Ali. 🙂

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