Gonzo actor Dennis Hopper died Saturday, at the age of 74. I sat down with him for a post-mortem chat:
Me: Hi Mr. Hopper, and thank you for taking the time to meet with me.
DH: Oh, man, I’ve got nothing but time anymore.
Me: Okay, I can’t do this.
DH: Do what?
Me: Pretend like I care about interviewing you.
DH: What are you talking about?
Me: You’re not really on my radar.
DH: But I’m an icon!
Me: You’re the poster-boy for drug addiction and being obnoxious. You’re the bad guy from Speed, the “Sicilian nigger” guy from True Romance, and the guy who did the voiceover in that Gorillaz song. That’s it. Why should I waste my time interviewing you?
DH: Those are the only places that you know me from?
Me: I’ve never seen Easy Rider or Rebel Without a Cause. I saw Apocalypse Now when I was 19 and was bored out of my skull. I’ve never even seen Blue Velvet or Hoosiers. Shit, half the time I get you confused with Rutger Hauer. Is he still alive?
DH: Yeah, I think – Wait, I don’t fucking care! I’m the dead one, here. You’re supposed to be interviewing me!
Me: I know, I know. My heart’s just not into it.
DH: Did you know that I interviewed Kristen Stewart last year for “Interview” magazine?
Me: And I’m back in. Tell me all about her.
DH: Well, it was only a five minute conversation, but she was very nice and even talked to my seven-year old daughter on the phone.
Me: Is she as gorgeous in person as she looks on film? Does she always have that sexy little smirk? Does she smell like cinnamon and fairy dust, like I imagine she does?
DH: Dude, obsess much? She’s just a young actress with not much to show yet.
Me: That’s not true! She’s in the Twilight movies, which are sooo much better than any of the shit made in the 60s and 70s.
DH: You are fucking nuts, man.
Me: Have you ever watched the movies? Are you sad that you’re dead so you can’t see the new one in a month?
DH: I read the books.
DH: And what?
Me: You know.
DH: Team Edward.
Me: Are you stupid? Pop quiz, hotshot. You’ve got two men interested in you. One is a poncy cold fish with perpetual bedhead whose idea of protecting the person he allegedly loves is to run away, and the other is a warm, caring man with a huge heart who will do whatever it takes to protect the woman he loves. Who do you choose? Who do you choose?
DH: I am outta here.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!):
Casey, aka Moosh In Indy
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Martin Luther King, Jr.