Today I have to drive to Sanford in the middle of the workday to appear in court to listen to a judge go through the paperwork that we filed to make sure everything is copacetic and probably just nod our heads and agree that there’s nothing we’re contesting or arguing and waste an hour sitting there to be called for all of a minute and a half just to appease the laws of the state regardless of the fact that this is supposed to be an uncontested and amicable divorce and we filed all the paperwork correctly ourselves without wasting any time or money on an attorney just so that we wouldn’t have to go to court, argue about anything, and we don’t need the courts to tell us shit, but yet we still have to go through this stupid charade. And here are the eight things I’d rather do instead:
1. Do the laundry for a high school boy’s football team. By hand. After three weeks of non-stop games.
2. Pierce my testicles with a giant gold ring. Using an icepick. That’s rusty.
3. Watch the series of The Hills on DVD. With Spencer in my living room. And his creepy flesh-colored beard.
4. Live in Canada. In the far northern part. With Celine Dion.
5. Defend Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptist Church. To my uber-conservative parents. As an example of free speech rights.
6. Eat skunk. That has bones in it. And started out as roadkill.
7. Go to a strip club. In Eastern Europe. When there’s a razor shortage during winter.
8. Poop in a public bathroom. At a gas station. With no toilet paper and only my socks to use.