When you haven’t been on a date since BEFORE THE Y2K fearpocalypse, it’s a frightening concept to consider talking to women because you just know that they can smell it on you and they know and they’ll laugh to themselves and you’ll just die a little inside until you’re just a shriveled husk of a boy. Or is that just me?
Regardless, it can be hard to come up with conversation topics with women other than “I love your shoes” and “Can I get a light even though I don’t really smoke *hack* *hack* *cough* *lung*?” And those two topics suck because one tells her that you’re gay and the other tells her that you really like her shoes.
I’ve decided to help all the single men out there by digging deep into my memory and pulling out some of the timeless pick up lines that will always work. It’s been a while, though, so my memory’s not what it used to be:
- If I told you that I had a huge penis, would you hold it against me?
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put your V and my P together.
- Oh baby, you look so sweet, you’ve given me a toothache. And now I need to go to the fucking dentist. Thanks.
- Did it hurt when you plummeted from heaven, had all of your flesh burned off as you entered the atmosphere, and crashed here on Earth?
- Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see. And you look inbred. Plus you’re wearing overalls.
- If you don’t give me my heart back, I’m going to call the fucking cops, you goddamn thief.
- Do you have any raisins? How about a date? A prune? Some type of fiber – I’m really constipated.
- Fuck me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we met before?
- That outfit would look great in a pile next to my bed which is shaped like a racecar!
- I’ll bet you $10 that I can fit something about seven inches long into something about four inches deep.
- I just moved you to the top of my tasks list.
- How do you like your eggs? And do you want bacon or sausage? Orange juice? How do you like your coffee?
- Do you know karate? Because your body is totally embracing the martial arts discipline appropriately.
- Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?