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21 Things You Should Never Buy Used

There is no monkey paw.

Yahoo! News had an article this week about 21 Things You Should Never Buy New, including items such as DVDs, books, jewelry, IKEA furniture, pets, timeshares, hand tools, and cars. I found some parts of the article to have useful, cogent information and thought I’d write a follow-up:

21 Things You Should Never Buy Used

  1. Socks: I don’t care how much they’ve been washed, I don’t want someone’s nasty feet ghosts.
  2. Underwear: No shit. Well, you hope there’s no shit, but you never know what might happen if you’re going to buy a used pair of briefs.
  3. Condoms: While yes, it may be easier because then they’re unrolled already, they won’t have that fresh new condom smell.
  4. Bullets: The only exceptions to this item are if you’re buying them for some type of fucked-up necklace of jewelry you’re making OR if you plan on just throwing them at people instead.
  5. Books by people you know: If you have a friend who wrote a book, don’t buy or borrow a friend’s used copy. Go buy a brand new one. Support them!
  6. Porn: There’s nothing more jarring to a marathon jerk-off session than having two of the pages stuck together right when you’re ready to blow.
  7. Sex Toys: Did you know that there is a Netflix-like site where you can order sex toys, use them, and then return them for a new type? Worst idea EVER.
  8. Pillows: I do NOT want to be sleeping on something where someone else drooled and snotted and leaked onto, even if it’s made from goose down and is really soft and awesome.
  9. Clothes: With the exception of winter wear and items like shoes or boots, and unless you’re handing them down through family, I think you should buy your clothes new.
  10. Staples: Unless you like using pliers to unfold them one-by-one and then align them perfectly in the stapler?
  11. Dentures: I don’t think any amount of Effodent is going to get that taste of “used mouth” out.
  12. Diplomas: Although, you can buy my law degree for a reasonable price – I’m not using it!
  13. Booze: I just know that if I was going to sell my liquor, they might be about 50% water just to make them look more full.
  14. Toothbrushes: Nobody should ever share a toothbrush, unless you’re Marshall and Lily. And Ted. Toothbrush corollary: Floss.
  15. Anything by Dane Cook: Because everything purchased that he has created should be burned immediately and the ashes should be spread to the four corners of the Earth.
  16. Pencils and pens: How many people do YOU know who use their pen or pencil to clean their ears, nostrils, or to satisfy their oral fixation?
  17. Food: This seems obvious, but there is an exception. If you’re really craving some Chick-fil-A on Sunday and you know someone who has leftovers for sale, go for it!
  18. Musical instruments: You know that one time at band camp? That’s why.
  19. Stamps: It takes WAY more than .44 worth of effort to carefully cut around the stamp, add glue, and re-stick it to a new letter. Not that I’ve ever done that in a moment of postal desperation, mind you.
  20. Anything from the Dollar Store: It cost a dollar new. What type of discount could you possibly get by purchasing it used?
  21. A monkey’s paw: It’s totally cursed. Just pass it up. Keep walking.

72 thoughts on “21 Things You Should Never Buy Used”

  1. Also used IDs. I’m serious here, we had a girl at the store today trying to use an old bald guys ID. When they refused to sell her the cigarettes she then yelled at them for “outing” her as a transexual in transition. C’mon, bullshit much???

    1. @Becca, although if you’re going to use a fake ID, it’s less legal trouble to use someone else’s than to actually make a fake. Making a fake is like big, big trouble. Using a fake is a minor moving violation in most states.

  2. I don’t even know WHY I knew about the used sex toys (I like to buy mine BRAND NEW. New plastic smell and all), but I’m retty sure that whenever I heard about it, I threw up in mah mouf a little bit. Ewww.

  3. I was gonna say tampons as soon as I read the title. Ew.
    and I had no idea you felt that strongly about Dane Cook. I’m not sure we can be friends now. πŸ˜‰
    and and used clothes aren’t horrible when you’re dropping weight and the thrift store you frequent is super clean, doesn’t stink, and is run by little old church ladies. Just sayin’.

  4. If someone ever broke into our house, I would have to throw bullets at them because I wasn’t paying attention when my husband taught me to shoot his 9mm.

    And your drawings make me pee laughing with glee.

  5. Re: #5, I expect a copy of Deb’s book on your coffee table come August, then.
    Re: #9, I disagree with this one…I have lots of great shirts and shorts from the thrift store that I never had to “break in.”

    1. @muskrat, you know I actually thought about this when I got asked to review Deb’s book in exchange for a free copy. I was like “but then she doesn’t get my money! I want to give her money!”

      I just volunteered to babysit via Twitter instead.

  6. Chik-Fil-A….any idea what I would give for some truly awesome Florida fast food right now?? One more reason to take a trip down there sooner rather than later!

  7. My addition to the never buy used list: Kleenex.

    Completely spot on with #15. Dane Cook, the comedian, needs to just stop. And all of his comedy bits need to be burned to the ground.

    The monkey paw from the Simpsons is what I think you are referring to, correct? If so, then buying one used may renew it as it passes to the new owner.

  8. Oh no! Miss Grace did not say that. I guess she did. ew. I’m sitting here trying to think of some addition to this list. I can’t think of anything. Maybe shoes? Not funny, but I’ve seen used shoes for sale and I can’t figure out who would subject their feet to that. Orthopedic catastrophe.

  9. #7… Seriously? I’d bet there’s a very long wait for the rabbit vibrator. And Chick-Fil-A. I’d give my right ovary for some nuggets right now.

  10. Yeah…. most of that I’ll say no to second hand, but clothes…. Yeah we frequent that shop called Plato’s closet (and NO not Dana Plato) to get my daughter her “have to have it” crap. I could not afford all the shit she wants if I had to buy it in the mall. Skinny jeans, Aeropostal tops, Charlotte Ruse shit…… I’d go broke!

  11. Unrelated (sort of): people who eat off the same fork make me just want to smack the living shit right out of them. Make the food fly across the room. That is SO. GROSS. I know a couple who only have one toothbrush. Come on. Really??? EW.

  12. Dude.

    Haven’t you ever heard of REDUCE REUSE RECYCLE?


    All of those perfectly good tooth brushes filling up our landfills is a total travesty.

    Buy used…you save money AND the Earth….all at the same time.


    You’re such a bad hippie.

  13. I actually really hate the dollar store but Manly Man goes there pretty often, but he’s cheap and I’m…well…not. I’m ok using it for stuff like dish detergent but stuff like lotions and underwear? No way.

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