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New urban dictionary phrases

The Urban Dictionary is an interesting yet scary place on the Internet. Next time you’re having a conversation with a group of friends and one of them says that she and her boyfriend did the Dutch Lumberjack last night, instead of just nodding your head and smiling, you can look it up and know that your friend’s boyfriend pushed her onto her stomach, yelled “Timber”, and fell on top of her, trying to aim his penis right for her butthole. Or if your mom is on the phone with you telling you that your dad pulled the ol’ cajun doorbell with her, you can easily research it to find out that your parents were mid-coitus in the position best known as “doggy style” when your dad licked his finger, dipped it in cayenne pepper, and stuck it in your mom’s ass.

I’ve decided that, in addition to fathering hundreds of Avitababies throughout the blogosphere, I’d like to leave my indelible mark on the world by coming up with my very own entries in the Urban Dictionary. So here goes:

The Frankengina

KFC: Coating your testicles in cornmeal, deep frying them, and presenting them to your lover on a plate for him or her to enjoy as a lip smackingly delicious snack.

ex: Please take me to the hospital. I just did a KFC.

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure: When a man, prior to intercourse, dances on the bed naked, pointing to his crotch and ass with both hands in rapid succession, while singing “Tequila”.

ex: Faiqa is never more turned on than when her husband does Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

Fail Whale: The unfortunate event when a woman tweets or blogs about upcoming sex with her boyfriend or spouse, only to have his equipment fail to operate according to expectations.

ex: Muskrat and Deb were finally alone in the house, but it just ended up being a giant Fail Whale.

Sideview mirror: When things in real life are larger than they may appear on the Internet.

ex: I went out with that girl from Match.com, but her photos were deceiving. She was a total Sideview Mirror.

Frankengina: Any type of sexual aid for men that is made out of household items.

ex: She caught her husband Shawn making a watermelon, saran wrap, and a bottle of honey mustard into a Frankengina.

Avitaballs: Testicles that have been decorated for the holidays.

ex: On Halloween, the kids and I love to drive around the neighborhood and check out the Avitaballs.

Kanye Chest: During intercourse, when a man pulls out, ejaculates on his partner’s chest, tosses her a sex toy and says “Imma let you finish.”

ex: Angie divorced her husband after he Kanye Chested her for the third night in a row.

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38 Replies to “New urban dictionary phrases”

  1. rose the rad sugar

    UD is the only way i was really able to differentiate between a “hot carl,” a “warm carl” and a “cold carl.” i’m really appreciative of this vast resource we now have available and i commend your part to add to its indelible reputation and worthiness as an exhaustive source of all things colloquial, yet significant.

    • Avitable

      @Backpacking Dad, I feel like I should be surprised that you were able to dig up a post by someone other than you from two years ago based on one word. But then again, you have shown your MacGuyver-like cleverness, so I guess it should be expected.

  2. tracey

    Holy shit. Between snorting up my coffee and nodding my head in agreement over one of those (Ooohhh!!! Now your curiosity is piqued) I find myself very perturbed with you because now I have to go visit all of those blog links. I simply must.

  3. B.E. Earl

    I read an interview once with one of the guys from XTC and he described his favorite Frankengina. One of those hollow rubber shark toys (don’t know if they make them anymore) filled with warm, soapy water tucked between the mattress and the boxspring on a hotel bed. I’ve never tried it, but you gotta dig the imagination involved in pulling that off. No pun intended.

      • B.E. Earl

        @Avitable, Oh, I don’t know. Once you have the rubber shark thingy, it’s just a matter of running it through some warm, soapy water and sticking it someplace you can fuck it. I’ve jumped through bigger hoops for a jack-off session in my time. Don’t even get me started on what I’ve gone through for actual sex with an actual person. πŸ˜‰

  4. Dolores

    Hahahahaha “Imma let you finish”. That was awesome.

    I agree with Grant about the sex act thing. Dirty Sanchez was too much info for me, and I have avoided UD ever since.

  5. bellawriter

    HA HA! The Kanye and the Pee Wee by far the bestest ones. Although, the Pee Wee would be a little more authentic if the guy was wearing rediculously tall platform shoes in a very manly not at all homosexual creamy white pleather.
    Just sayin’.

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