Morality is subjective

You Might Be A Sexual Predator If . . .

I know it’s a little delayed, but in the wake of the Swiss refusal to allow the US to extradite Roman Polanski, I thought I’d put up a little primer for all of those people out there who worry that they too may have to flee to Switzerland, land of chocolate, clocks, cheese, and chesters the molesters. If you match more than one of these traits, you might be a sexual predator on par with Roman Polanski.

You Might Be a Sexual Predator If:

  • You can enjoy the subtle hints of grape in the bouquet of a Caprisun
  • The delay in the release of the Blu-ray version of the Hannah Montana series really ruined your Saturday night plans.
  • The Pope reassigned you to a parish in Poland or Russia.
  • Every time you see a football field with no turf on it, you get an urge to go play ball.
  • You have a “regular room” at the Nickelodeon Hotel in Orlando.
  • Chris Hansen haunts your nightmares.
  • Your race car bed is specifically designed to have a Craftmatic Adjustable Mattress so that your back feels okay.
  • Without consulting the Internet, you can tell the difference between each individual Jonas Brother.
  • Your name was Michael Jackson.

In other Avita-news, happy birthday to Bellaventa – hope you have a great 31st, Robin!

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29 Replies to “You Might Be A Sexual Predator If . . .”

  1. Princess Jo

    Ok, I recognise this is as a joke, but to be honest, I find it to be in really bad form.

    As a victim and daughter of a prevalent child predator I have no words as to how offensive this is to me. To say nothing of how appallingly insensitive this is to every single child that has experienced this abuse.

    I am truly and utterly stunned. Whilst abuse is still going on, still being poorly represented, and victims still being ignored and offenders given too short sentences, this kind of joking reference to it is NOT ok.

    And the above stereotypes? Are just that, stereotypes. In my father’s none of those things were even remotely true. In fact, he appeared so normal that when he was first reported, everyone believed his claims of innocence. Thanks for reinforcing those stereotypes.

    This makes me angry. Thanks for making all my work to make reports of child sexual abuse taken more seriously, for naught, and indeed making a joke of my (and others) experiences.


    • Avitable

      @Princess Jo, your first sentence said it all. It’s a joke. And I’m pretty sure that the “stereotypes” I presented range from absurd (a race car bed?) to real (a priest). I’m sorry that you’re offended, but since I neither encouraged nor supported any type of molestation or pedophilia, I can’t see how this post is harmful in any way.

      • B.E. Earl

        @Avitable, I mostly agree. You aren’t condoning the actions of these people here. If anything, just the mention of these monsters…any mention…could help someone down the line. Roman Polanski is a monster. Michael Jackson was a monster. Those Catholic priests are/were monsters. Chris Hansen’s show helps put away some of these monsters. The fact that you are using humor in your humor blog to address the issue isn’t nearly the same as condoning the behavior of monsters. That being said, all humor has the potential to be harmful to someone. A person who has suffered at the hands of one of these animals could find offense in these jokes, even if that wasn’t the intent. So it can be a fine line.

      • bizlicious

        @Avitable, I think every victim of abuse has their own method of coping and healing. Sometimes dark humor is one of them. Some of the most successful comedians have made careers out of their own personal tragedies. Homicide detectives make horrible jokes about the victims they are investigating. It’s not because they are cold-hearted shitty people, it’s how they are able to deal with the horror they face every day, in order to effectively do their job of catching the killer. I applaud and admire anyone that turns their personal nightmare into an advocacy for other victims, but I think each individual is entitled to their own process without fearing judgement.

        Walking out the door every morning and speaking in general carries the fine lined potential to offend. Just an hour ago I caused offense by saying I thought the 60’s would have been a fun time to experience. The woman actually yelled at me and said I was a fool. She’s probably right, but liking the idea of HIV free sex, drugs and rock n roll isn’t the reason for chrissakes. I don’t understand the line about playing ball. mmmmm…caprisun…I like roarin’ waters wild cherry.

          • bizlicious

            @Avitable, Yes…just now. It seems like an inaccurate rule somehow. What about the brazilian wax with no landing strip? No ball playing for those that indulge? My holy roller neighbor once told me that men who think that sort of thing is hot are closet pedophiles. This made me think she doesn’t believe in any sort of maintenance and I felt bad for her husband. Gross…why am I thinking about my neighbors bush?! It’s all your fault!

  2. bo

    You say ‘a Caprisun’ as if there is only one type. There are myriad varieties of Capri Sun, each with its own subtle bouquet. Yes, some have a pleasant hint of grape, but others are refreshingly strawberry and still others use a tease of lemon to recall memories of grade-school, five-cent, roadside lemonade stands.

    I mean, so I hear.

  3. Absurdist

    I am SO a predator.

    I had to keep my mouth shut with my niece about how hot Taylor Lautner was until he turned 18. I drooled and drooled in silence, knowing how wrong it was. I would slip over to IMDB, counting the days until he turned 18 and could come out of the closet.

    God, the wait. It was unbearable.

    So yea, I own it. I am a predator. Taylor baby, come on over.

  4. Elizabeth Kaylene

    This one fell flat for me. All of these things describe someone who is above the age of majority but hasn’t hit puberty. The only one that fit and made me laugh was the last one, but even the Michael Jackson jokes everyone is throwing around are getting old. I expect better from you! You’ve been slacking, what with the drawings missing important body parts and now posts that don’t even make me crack a smile. I’m disappointed, Adam. *sniffle* d:

    • Avitable

      @Elizabeth Kaylene, someone who is above the age of majority but still acts like he hasn’t hit puberty IS likely a sexual predator. Plus, the “if there’s grass on the field” one was nice and subtle.

  5. Faiqa

    I’m really offended by this. How could you be so callous? I mean, really, Adam, thousands of decent adults have enjoyed Capri suns for decades. You’ve really gone too far this time.

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