Plenty of bloggers have been writing handy little guides to BlogHer. But none of those bloggers are me. None of them have my perspective. Nor my back hair.
The official inevitable inimitable irresistible Avitable guide to BlogHer:
1. BlogHer does not happen in a vacuum. This isn’t Hedonism. This isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t even your fenced-in backyard. There will be at least four million cameras at BlogHer. There will be tongues wagging and tweeting and typing and talking. Unless you’re holed up in your hotel room with only you and your bestie who would never tell a soul, there is a very good chance that the world will be privy to your heavy drinking, woman kissing, pot smoking, hardcore dancing, panty flashing evening. It might not be tagged with your name and maybe nobody will say anything about it, but if you pass out on the dance floor at the Sparklecorn party with a drink in your hand, don’t be surprised if you show up in the background of a thousand and one photos. And, unfortunately, expecting anyone to refrain from publishing a photo out of courtesy is asking for trouble. If you’re worried about something embarrassing being published, don’t drink so much that you do something embarrassing. And please, someone remind me I said this in two weeks when I’m mortified by the photos that are published.
2. Nobody cares how you look. Many bloggers (myself included) can be a little camera shy. If you’re not comfortable with your weight or size, it can be hard to see yourself in hundreds of photos throughout the weekend. One alternative is to hide in a corner all night long and avoid the cameras, your friends, and all of the fun. Or, you could realize that this is about the celebration of bloggers, people, and especially women, and you’re just as beautiful as that one thin blonde who looks gorgeous in every photo. Go out, have fun, and appreciate the photographs for what they are – memories with your friends.
3. Don’t be a pussy. If you see someone you read and like, go say hi*. Chances are that person also has someone that he or she reads and likes and might be shy about talking to them! Blogging is about community, and community is about reciprocity. One of the biggest pleasures I had last year was when a blogger would come up to me and introduce herself. Chances were that I already knew her name, but it was nice to put a face to that Twitter account or blogger identity, exchange business cards (look for mine this year with MORE NUDITY), and forge a personal connection that’s stronger when it’s not separated by a shitload of ones and zeroes. Also, if you’re shy, some people might misread this as aloofness and then they won’t approach you either. It’s a vicious circle. (*Does not apply to Dooce. She will punch you in your crotch.)
4. Your negative attitude should be left at home. Whether you’re the type to whine and bitch about the men present at the conference or the drinking that goes on or the breastfeeding or the swag or the lack of swag or the exclusivity or the private parties or Nikon eating babies, shut. The. Fuck. Up. There is literally something at BlogHer for every type of personal blogger out there. Whether you’re married or single or gay or straight or a teetotaler or an alcoholic or childless or barren or fertile or Christian or Jewish or Muslim or black or white or yellow or purple, if you have the right attitude, you will walk away with something positive. And wouldn’t you rather come away with something positive rather than focusing on the few aspects that annoy or piss you off? I know I would.
5. Don’t take things personally. It’s hard. You have a lot tied up in yourself – you’re psyching yourself to surf the wave of estrogen and squealing and wade in with your business cards flying. You walk up to someone, introduce yourself, talk to her for a minute or two, and mid-conversation she sees someone else that she knows, and the conversation ends. This will happen a million and one times that night, and to everyone! Even me. And I’m fucking compelling to talk to. Someone (actually many someones) will forget your name. You might be ignored or jostled aside. Bloggers you know might sneak through a line while you’re still waiting. There will be parties that you don’t get invited to where the attendees get pedicures and massages by the Jonas Brothers and Robert Pattinson. There will be secret rooms where they give away Camaros and Botox. It happens. Get over it, and just relax. Have fun.
6. Pronounce my name correctly.
Hopefully this guide helps you enjoy your time at BlogHer 2010. If not, I wash my hands of you. I’ve done all I can and you’re obviously a lost cause. Go to BlissDom instead, where everything is rainbows and sunshines and unicorns. And Jesus.
P.S. Do you have an iPhone? Download the Bump app for an easy and fun way to transfer your information to other bloggers with iPhones!
P.P.S. Don’t forget these either!
Enjoy this post? Try these:Life lessons learned from #BlogHer10.
The worst parents in the world
You know you’re a Redneck Mommy when
Love.
Reply
@Miss Grace, make a little. Get down tonight.
Reply
@Avitable, Word.
Reply
Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
HOLY FUCKBALLS. Rob Pattinson is going to be there?
I
DIE
Also THIS is 10001% the truth:
“You walk up to someone, introduce yourself, talk to her for a minute or two, and mid-conversation she sees someone else that she knows, and the conversation ends. This will happen a million and one times that night, and to everyone!”
Reply
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], Do you think he was talking about US with the making out comment?
Reply
@Miss Grace, ohh. . . . mmmmayyybeeee.
Reply
Twitter: alotofnothing
on July 30th, 2010 at Friday, July 30, 2010 @ 9:22 am
@Miss Grace, is there anyone else i should know about? then yes, he’s talking about us.
Reply
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], I was totes NOT the only person making out with beautiful women. See also: http://www.flickr.com/photos/avitable/3769076802/
Reply
@Miss Grace, this is true.
Reply
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], yes, Edward’s going to be there. Just look for the sparkles!
Reply
Twitter: alotofnothing
on July 30th, 2010 at Friday, July 30, 2010 @ 9:24 am
@Avitable,
lsakndfoidnofinlsainfowienkan
that was me having an orgasm.
Reply
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], well, now I know. If I hear that in NYC when I’m in the lobby, I can nod my head knowingly.
Reply
Twitter: kimt205
says:
I second the love.
X a billion.
Can’t wait to see you !
Reply
@Kim, me either!
Reply
Twitter: tlkaply
says:
You ARE pretty fucking compelling.
Reply
@Tracy Lynn, and a compelling fuck.
Reply
Twitter: houseofgirls3
says:
Long time reader, first time commenter …
You’re hilarious. And I can’t wait to meet you at BlogHer…. Thanks for the tips – I truly love the guy’s perspective!
Reply
@Jill, thanks for the comment – looking forward to meeting you. Instead of shaking my hand, just grab my nuts and say “I’m Jill from your blog” so I remember you.
Reply
Twitter: houseofgirls3
on July 30th, 2010 at Friday, July 30, 2010 @ 9:44 am
@Avitable, I haven’t fondled a set of nuts in a few weeks since my hubby left for Iraq – so I appreciate your offer / directive. Don’t mind if I do – just don’t be surprised if I don’t let go…
Reply
@Jill, it’s a deal.
Reply
Twitter: WWScissors
says:
Dang it! The LEAST you could have done was bling them up a bit before flashing those things at me!
Reply
@Lynn @ Walking With Scissors, that’s an old photo, too.
Reply
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I’m going to confess something to you: I hovered over the link and saw that it was a LeSombre one so I knew exactly what I was going to be looking at and I clicked on it anyway. I think that means I Avitaball’d myself.
Reply
@Amanda, yeah. You totally did. I knew you loved ‘em.
Reply
Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Isn’t your name pronounced “Ah-dumb”?
Looking forward to meeting the inevitable inimitable irresistible Avitable, even if I won’t be attending the conference itself.
Reply
@B.E. Earl, same here.
Reply
Twitter: poppybuxom
says:
I’ve been to two BlogHers and two Blissdoms, and frankly, I get a cubic assload more useful information from the Blissdom panels.
Of course, the panels tend to be more praxis and less theory. And the panelists don’t tend to be four huge egos sitting behind a long table talking about themselves.
Reply
@Poppy Buxom, wait, there are panels at BlogHer? Of course, I’ve found that many of the same panelists at BlissDom also do panels for BlogHer, too.
Reply
Twitter: poppybuxom
on July 30th, 2010 at Friday, July 30, 2010 @ 11:31 am
@Avitable, from what I’ve observed, the BlogHer people let their panelists pretty much wing it, whereas the BlissDom panelists are supposed to have a point.
Reply
@Poppy Buxom, I could see that. BlogHer doesn’t really run anything as much as they just open the floodgates and give up.
Reply
Twitter: poppybuxom
on July 30th, 2010 at Friday, July 30, 2010 @ 12:32 pm
Well, duh. After all, they let *me* show up.
Reply
Twitter: mommy_wins
says:
Thank you, sir, for your wit and insight.
(And GODDAMN IT — I was left out by the fucking Camaro people AGAIN.)
Reply
@Colleen – Mommy Always Wins, you’re welcome, and don’t worry – we’ll just set you up with a free Lear jet instead.
Reply
Ha! I was right!
Have a a great time at Blogher. I’m a little jealous. Okay, a lot jealous. And give Faiqa and Sybil extra squeezes from ME.
Reply
@Jason, you were right about what? How to pronounce my name? You totally get a cookie.
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
on July 30th, 2010 at Friday, July 30, 2010 @ 3:57 am
@Avitable, Wait….*Sybil* is going? As in my whore Sybil or there another Sybil I don’t know about? Because really, I’d be devastated if I missed yet another chance to hang out with her. And you. d’uh.
Reply
@Sheila, no, she’s not going. Jason was misinformed.
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
says:
^^^^My comment is up there^^^^
Also, I Avitaball’d myself too.
And my sister earlier because she wanted to know what you looked like.
And my brother because he wanted to know why she said “Oh my gosh! Is that….?”
And my deaf cousin because I didn’t want him to feel left out.
Reply
@Sheila, you have one lucky family!
Reply
Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
Avi-tablay? Really? That pronunciation definitely needs a bitch lick attached to it.
See you in a few days. I promise I won’t let you walk too much in Manhattan.
Reply
@Robin, well, it’s the original Italian pronunciation, actually.
Reply
Twitter: missbritt
says:
I’m telling you – and everyone else – right fucking now that if Robert is giving out massages and I don’t get one I am going to LOSE MY EVER LOVING MIND.
Do you hear that organizers? IT WILL BE BAD.
Reply
@Miss Britt, if he’s giving out massages, you’ll be first in line. He knows how much you love him, I’m sure.
Reply
Twitter: Mommycosm
says:
This was the best BlogHer advice so far. And…I said it with you. I did. Hope to see you in NYC. I’ll try not to be a pussy and promise to say hi;)
Reply
@Ashlie- Mommycosm, good. See you soon!
Reply
Absolutely. Nail on the head. My pet peeve is not mispronunciation but “oh, you’re not *really* dumb!” No, I’ve never heard that one before. Sigh.
Reply
@Naomi, but do they say “Oh, you’re not really a supervillain?”
Reply
@Avitable, only at Comic Con.
Reply
NOT AH VIT TAHB BLAY?
well. aren’t we fancy??
guess I should start tell people it’s Hall, not paul, not stall, not jones or smith.
but MISSES HALL.
Reply
@Mrs. Hall, smart ass.
Reply
I have to admit I thought I was the blonde you were referring to…you know, the one who looks great in every photo?
Then I read the word “thin.” And then I remembered I hate almost every picture I’m in. Always.
See you in NYC, AV-i-tA-bel.
xo
Reply
@Shauna, in your case I would have said “little petite blonde who looks hot in every photo”. It’s the subtle differences.
Reply
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Geesh, Bossy thinks she may have just broken the ‘W’ key on her MacBook. Thanks dearie!
Reply
@BOSSY, you ARE going to be there, right?
Reply
Gonna have to quote you on that one!
(snorts)
See you next week!
Reply
@Alli, put it on your brochures. I totally dare you.
Reply
What the hell is BlissDom?
I’m going to make out with your face when I see you again. But you’d better tell me I’m pretty and that you like my shoes because I will pull out the claws and hurt you if you don’t.
Reply
@Mocha, oh baby you is beautiful.
Reply
Twitter: clumberkim
says:
Love every speck of this. And #4? Leaving it at the airport.
Thanks for the pronunciation guide. Sounds like my husband saying “vitamins”. I can remember that.
Reply
@ClumberKim, glad to hear it, and I’ll see you there!
Reply
Twitter: VDog
says:
Great advice!! Save me a card, k??
Reply
@VDog, I will.
Reply
Twitter: ArtistMother
says:
Ahh-Vee-Tah-Blay?
Hilarious.
I just try to remember it’s a sort of like vittles. Because you’re so delicious. Or something…
Reply
@Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher}, it’s the Italian way. And I’m totally delicious. With a nice chianti.
Reply
Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
Great advice. I was totally scared shitless to introduce myself to you last year…but I did it. And I’m damn glad I did.
And for the record, I still catch myself mispronouncing your name it all the time. What kind of name is Adam anyway? a-DAM, A-dum, a-DOHM, a-DAHM, A-dahm….oh screw it. I’ll just squeal “hey asshole!” the next time I see you.
Reply
@Nancy [Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas], I’m glad you did too! I also answer to “fucker” and “retard”.
Reply
You just made my tiny brain explode: I’ve been pronouncing it Avit-able forever. I think. I’ve been saying it over and over in my head so long now that I can’t remember if I was pronouncing correctly or not.
Yup. Brain officially leaking out of my ears. You win.
Reply
@Chibi Jeebs, well, as long as you pronounce it correctly now!!
Reply
Sounds like fun! What is this, the fifth annual BlogHer? How many have you attended? And how does it feel being in the minority during the conference?
I didn’t read through the comments, there are a lot; nor did I check your archives for an answer. So if you have a post you’d like to refer me to, that would be work.
The only reason I ask is because I’ve seen that bloggers that are pro and con men attendance. Thanks!
Reply
@Orion, this is my second. I didn’t mind being the minority at all – men stand out there so it was a blast.
Reply
I’ll make it simple and just address you as “Hey, You Skinny Shit.”
Reply
@always home and uncool, oh, you’re going to be there? Cool.
Reply
I’ll give you a shiny new nickel for every video you post of yourself publicly referring to it as “Vaginarama” while you’re there.
Reply
@Grant, ooh, a nickel? Promise?
Reply
Twitter: thepsychobabble
says:
I’m a wee bit jealous. (okay a lot jealous, but I’m trying to temper that by reminding myself that I get to play along with an at-home version)
Have fun, and I can’t wait to see the photos!
Reply
Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Is Edward really going to be there? Is it too late to cancel my tickets? I’m not.a.fan. In fact, I am the opposite of a fan. A loather. I loathe Edward. Yeah, I said it. Whatever.
This, btw, was one of the best “What to expect at BlogHer posts” I’ve read. All those other ones are saying outlandish shit like “Leave the cute shoes at home.” How could anyone take *that* kind of talk seriously…
Reply
Twitter: HeadlessMom
says:
Bump is inter-compatable with Android phones. Or so it says. Just an fyi…..
Reply
Ahhhh, Ah-VIT-able. I thought it was AH-vitable.
I want to go to a motherfucking botox party … just got in to NY from Australia. Our flight was cancelled and the hotel turned us away. I look like SHIT.
Looking forward to coming up to say hi to you, Adam.
Reply
HA-vit-able!
No, actually I felt this was a great time to tell you about another way way to think of it, something I say to Julianne all the time and happened to notice how it sounded like your name: Some of it-able, all of it-able, non of it-able. I say weird things, and no one knows why, but I did notice how “of it able” sounds like Avitable.
Love-it-able? Ok bye now
Reply
Pingback: How not to be a loser at this year’s #BlogHer | Avitable