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On cunnilingus . . . among other things

Monday is for bullets:

  • The other night I had an idea for a funny riff about oral sex. From my own informal knowledge, I knew a few women who disliked receiving oral sex, and I formed a theory. It’s all about the pantomime. Women can pantomime oral sex in a sexy way. A lick of a popsicle, gently eating a hot dog – almost any food that has any type of cylindrical shape can be consumed in such a way that it will evoke fellatial memories, and the act itself is perpetuated as a constantly positive experience.

    On the other hand, there’s no way to pantomime cunnilingus in a sexy way. You can’t have imagery of that act that looks sexy. I was going to take photographs of all the goofy faces that would have to be made to pantomime or list activities like and then would use that to advance this theory that if the act itself could be portrayed in a sexy way, more women would be interested in receiving it.

    Trust me. It would have been funny! But then I decided to be scientific and actually take a survey (you can participate by clicking the link below my header or here.) And the reality of the situation (out of 178 polled when I wrote this) is that 82% of women enjoy receiving oral sex, which just fucks up my entire theory. Although, when I did a fictional poll of 200 men, asking them if they enjoyed receiving oral sex, 178% responded with a resounding “Fucking Duh!”

  • Adam Sheila
    Today is the birthday of my good friend, Sheila. She’s an amazing person who has overcome every obstacle she’s faced with a solid determination. She’s the glue of her family and I’m proud to call her my friend. Happy birthday, Sheila.
  • This weekend I saw both “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World” and “The Expendables”. I recommend them both. Scott Pilgrim is sugary pop that takes a deeper look at dysfunctional relationships than you’d expect. It’s got a lot of fun, feeling like a weird combination between “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, the old 60s Batman, and “A Life Less Ordinary.” I loved it and want to see it again. “The Expendables” is a throw-back to the old ’80s action films, with larger-than-life men who can shrug off bullets like their mosquito bites, cars and buildings that blow up if you shoot enough bullets at them, and cheesy one-liners tossed willy-nilly. It’s fun and it’s crazy to think that Stallone is actually 64 years old! Also, see if you can tell the scene in the movie when Stone Cold Steve Austin actually broke Stallone’s neck during filming!
  • If you’re having an IM conversation with someone and you want to give them the finger, here’s an emoticon I invented for just that occasion: mln
  • I am trying to plan my travel for the next year, and it’s looking busy. I am going to be in Vermont in the end of September, may go to Canada for Blissdom in the end of October, Utah for Christmas, maybe New Orleans for Mom 2.0, plus Los Angeles, Vegas, Dallas, and Minneapolis at some point. Maybe I should just start an Avitable Tour.
  • Oh yeah – remember how I got the gold removed from my toes and had a new color put on? Here’s a photo:
    IMG_0066

86 thoughts on “On cunnilingus . . . among other things”

  1. I watched a man pantomime oral sex on a cherry and it was one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen. Maybe it was just that I was into him and he had great lips and a fantastic tongue, but the cherry split open with some action on the pit? Yes indeed.

  2. Having gone on many Dave Tours, I highly recommend it. Local blogger meets are great!

    Maybe once you’ve gone to BlogHer, Mom 2.0, Blissdom, and whatever other lady blogger conferences are out there, you’ll have a better grip on The Theory of Women! πŸ™‚

    But seriously… are most of the blogger conferences geared towards women? I haven’t looked into it, but it seems as though those are the only ones I ever hear about. While I’d love to meet so many of the people I’ve connected with online at one of these conferences, I wish there was a blogging conference that was more gender-neutral that people were interested in attending.

    1. @Dave2, I think there are a ton of blogger conferences geared towards men, but they’re political or tech or corporate. As far as personal blogging goes, we’re the minority, and BlogHer is probably the conference for personal bloggers that’s most welcome to men.

  3. Cunnilingus is very much like a pie eating contest…only you’re eating slowly (if you’re doing it right)….and nothing is sexier than a man who really loves pie.

    Thank you for the birthday shout out πŸ™‚

    Also, really?!?! Chicago is not on your list of country wide travels? Double-u. Tee. Eff.

    1. @Sheila,

      “Cunnilingus is very much like a pie eating contest…only you’re eating slowly (if you’re doing it right)….and nothing is sexier than a man who really loves pie.”

      Word sista.

  4. I really like the toenails. Seriously. I have a son who, even though he is sometimes ridiculed, loves the color pink and wears it constantly because he doesn’t give a fuck what people think and I think it speaks volumes about a person but I have to say this.

    Lose the Jesus shoes.

  5. Niiiiice. I like the survey idea. And yes, part of the resounding group of women who enjoy non-sexy-looking-but-still-fucking-awesome cunnilingus.
    Where is blissdom in Canada? My tiny town in Ontario is pretty awesome…just sayin.
    Have fun on your ‘tour’!

  6. “Scott Pilgrim is sugary pop that takes a deeper look at dysfunctional relationships than you’d expect. It’s got a lot of fun, feeling like a weird combination between “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, the old 60s Batman, and “A Life Less Ordinary.” I loved it and want to see it again.”

    Thanks for that particular review. Given that the two movies referenced are two of my favorites. I was getting a bit tired of the Cera formula, but you have given me hope.

  7. Maybe these women who supposed don’t care for oral sex were just saying that because they looked at your toes and suddenly felt like they were being hit on by a lesbian?

  8. What!? I can’t get to any of the bullet point because I’m still stuck on the fact that there were women that didn’t enjoy receiving oral sex (the word cunninlingus is one of those that goes on my could disappear of the face of the earth and I wouldn’t miss it. Kinda like moist. Ahem)

  9. I’d love to see you on your tour through Vermont if we’re up there when you are. I spend most weekends in the Northeast Kingdom and plan to do the Amazing Corn Maze in Danville sometime in September. Where are you going? Hanging out with the young college kids in Burlington? Let me know if you feel like hanging out at a big bonfire and toasting marshmallows (and maybe a few other things).

    Love the blue polish!

      1. @Avitable, Oh, St. J is just north of our camp in Ryegate. If you’re going to be on my side of the state over a weekend and have time for a quickie (no, not that kind of quickie), let me know. I’d love a chance to see those blue toes in person πŸ˜‰

  10. I agree with your theory on the “visual” appeal of female oral love. I do, however, think that appeal of the pantomime related to an activity and the appeal of the actual activity are mutually exclusive. I find this to be the case for a couple of reasons: (1) Normally the DUDE that is licking his hands/fingers/donut/bagel/other hole containing object isn’t the one I would want to imagine doing the deed (2) the intimacy of the act is more important for MORE woman and publicly throbbing for someone being suggestive at a bar or elsewhere isn’t likely.

    Women that have experienced calm, lovely, well-performed oral sex LOVE oral sex.

  11. I think the women that say they don’t like it say that because they don’t want it done because they don’t feel “fresh”. As for the few men who say they don’t like it…how can that be???

    And on a related note I would never, ever go out with a woman who wouldn’t blow me. No way.

  12. You know what percentages are, right? Just because you polled 200 men doesn’t mean that 178 of them answering yes equals 178%. So, what you said up there is that a lot of man double-answered “HELL, YES!” to enjoying oral sex.

    And, I can see if a woman doesn’t know how to orgasm via oral sex not enjoying it. I am not that woman. I love it.

  13. You know, no matter how many times I try to eat yogurt without a spoon in the presence of a certain someone… the suggestion just doesn’t work. Maybe I’f I write a descriptive narrative about eating yogurt out of the container without a spoon, that would make the difference. Isn’t that the stereotypical classic answer to your pondering, men are visual and vice versa for women?

  14. Here’s my bulleted comment (without the bullet marks…’cause I’m technically lame):

    Happy Birthday to She-Ra, Princess of Power.

    You could consider adding India to your upcoming travels. Curry and spice and everything nice. Okay, that’s a lie, but you would have free room and board.

    I prefer the first color. Kind of James Bond…Goldtoes.

  15. 1) Happy Birthday Sheila, you’re a true rockstar and I love you

    2) NAIL POLISH BELONGS TO WOMEN. YOU HAVE LOTS OF THINGS THAT BELONG TO JUST YOU. Oh, wait, were we talking about BlogHer or nail polish. Also, nail polish belongs to transgendered and transexuals, too. Just not to you. Stop wearing nail polish. It pisses me off. I have no idea why. It just feels wrong.

    1. @Faiqa, let’s examine this. Why does it bother you so much? It’s just nail polish. It doesn’t say anything about me except that I am confident enough to wear it and that I like to stand out.

      1. @Avitable, Okaay, I was kind of kidding, but since you’re calling me out all public-like…

        Nail polish is a form of beautification, as I see it. If you were wearing it because it made you feel more beautiful or attractive, I guess I wouldn’t find it so problematic. I think what bothers me is that you are doing it *just* to be different. As someone who is intrinsically unique and different and very often NOT by choice, I am always a little put off by people who TRY to be different. Something about trying too hard.

        Also, it bothers me that you chose something that is traditionally regarded as “feminine” as an outlet for your intentionally constructed (as opposed to organically derived) “uniqueness”… like it’s some sort of novelty feature. It’s one thing if a man naturally gravitates towards feminine aspects of beauty (and, no, perfumey soaps don’t count), it’s another matter if the choices to engage in that behavior are done merely for the sake of appearing unique. It strikes me as somewhat adolescent.

        And, also, why do you need to wear nail polish to be different? Do you not feel that there are enough unique aspects in the content of your character? I do. I think you’re different and unique just the way you are, and you don’t need to apply nail polish to underscore that or to prove it to me.

        Also? You’re scaring old people, and that always makes me a little sad.

  16. Awesome! I’ve worn that same exact color on my toes for like the last four years! I tried to switch to other colors a few times, but I always ended up back to that perfect shade of blue! It’s the best!! Great choice : )

  17. I agree w/@Biz. Your poll is missing one more answer to be complete. I don’t feel I can answer with the choices that are there.

    I like the toes, though. Glad I got to see them sparkle in person.

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