Her head was cocked and I could tell she was assessing me. “So, you’ve been coming here for almost a year.”
“Almost.”
“And back then, you were in a bad place, wouldn’t you say?”
“Yeah. I was broken.”
“Now, you’re . . .”
“I’m not fixed. But I’m definitely not still broken, either.”
“I was going to say that you seem content. Happy, even.”
“I feel content. For the first time, I feel relieved. I know that after the divorce, I was a single man with the world at his fingertips, but I was still in the same patterns, relying on the same tricks, sticking to the same routine, all for the sake of comfort and familiarity. And now . . .”
“Now you’re not?”
“I’m definitely not. Now I finally see that the world is my oyster. There’s so much that I can do, and I don’t want to be tied down anymore.”
“The person who’s sitting here before me today is so much different from the person a year ago.”
“I feel different. I feel better. I feel . . . like a chapter of my life has actually closed and a new one is beginning. I never knew what that felt like before.”
“It does feel very much like a chapter closing of a very interesting book.”
“And I think part of closing that chapter is . . . finishing what you and I have here.”
“Mmhmm.”
“I think . . . I think that I will always have issues. And most of those issues will center around control and my need to control everything.”
“Mmhmm.”
“But I think our sessions will never resolve those issues. The only way that I can tackle them would be through in-depth serious analysis. Two to three hours a day, five days a week. And at this point in my life, I have neither the time nor means necessary to focus on that. Maybe someday.”
“Everyone has issues. Everyone will always have issues. Being cognizant of them is an excellent first step. And I agree. I don’t think there’s anything more that we can do here.”
“Thank you for . . . for the last year.”
“Good luck, Adam. My door will always be open for you.”
I have always had an easy life. I have always been sheltered. I’ve never wanted for anything, and there are no childhood traumas in my life that I’ve blocked out. I have no real deep, dark secrets from my past that affect who I am today. Yet, when I went to therapy, I was broken and shattered. I didn’t walk in with a problem that I needed to solve – I needed a safe place to put myself back together.
It took me a year to understand that therapy does different things for different people. My sessions were like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. When a piece fell into place, things felt a little lighter. The tunnel grew shorter. This wasn’t the type of therapy where I was emotionally and physically drained after every session. With the exception of two times that I cried, my sessions were almost clinical in nature, analyzing my statements and moods by sorting through the minutiae of my day. And almost every week, I looked forward to my session. It was a place without judging or derision or criticism. And now, in retrospect, I realize that it was a place of gradual rebuilding.
We’re all works in progress. I want to consistently push myself to understand my motivations for my actions. I will take the input and advice of my friends who I trust and respect, and I will take the jigsaw puzzle that is my heart and soul, and I know that I will be okay. Better than okay. I know that I will be happy.
Enjoy this post? Try these:My review of Fantastic Mr. Fox (spoiler free)
About life
Stripped bare
Twitter: AngellaD
says:
After hanging out with you in New York, I think that you’re pretty balanced and happy. You know, apart from how you stalked me.
(KIDDING. Happy for you.)
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@Angella, I’ll have you know that stalking is totally a healthy activity!
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I feel the same way about ending my therapy sessions. Sadly, my sessions didn’t end this way; it became an expense that I could not afford anymore.
That said, I also know that I have issues (will always have issues, perhaps) and that when I have the means, I should return to therapy and work on them. I doubt I will return to my previous therapist; I believe she has taken me as far as she can, and that I need someone that will challenge me a bit more. We’ll see when that comes up.
Regardless, thank you for writing this. You spoke to me more than you can possibly know.
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@Mighty Hunter, I hope you’re able to find what you need.
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
It’s good to hear you happy
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@Amanda, thanks.
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
You need to follow-up on this with some retail therapy… go buy yourself something pretty!
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@Dave2, well, there is that Alien Blu-ray set with the special packaging . . . that can make a man feel special.
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That last paragraph is purely amazing. I hope you don’t mind that I’m totally gonna copy it and read it everyday. Totally turning both our lives for the better? Better than unicorns pooping cupcakes.
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@Kim, I don’t know – unicorns pooping cupcakes sounds pretty fucking amazing.
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Twitter: Zakary
says:
I’m proud of you.
xo
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@Zak, thank you. I haven’t done anything of which anyone should be proud, though.
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Twitter: Zakary
, August 18th, 2010: 1:25 PM
@Avitable, You took action. And you turned things around. Most people can’t do that. Or even realize they need to.
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Twitter: sendchocolate
says:
Welcome to the world of the sane. Sort of. It is weird when the therapist dismisses you, but it feels good, too. Knowing that one more thing is “done.” You seemed peaceful in New York. Awesome.
(does this mean you will keep your pants on?)
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@sendchocolate, oh, none of us is sane! And the pants stay off, dammit.
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Twitter: houseofgirls3
says:
I’m a big fan of therapy – and it’s so great to hear how beneficial it is … how much you get out of it when you really put your heart and soul into it. Congrats to you!
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@Jill, the thing is, while I was going through therapy, I didn’t feel like I was getting enough out of it or putting enough into it.
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oh goodness. i love this post, my dear friend. and i am so happy for you. you seem … free.
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@Peau, I feel free.
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
I love this post too. I’m so very happy for you! Here’s to feeling whole again!
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@Lisa, or at least 75%.
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Twitter: CountessMo
says:
We *are* all works in progress. I wish people would have more awareness of that and not be so self-critical all the time.
I’m glad the year of therapy had a good conclusion for you.
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@Maura, me too. I also think, though, that when you stop being self-critical, you get complacent with your station in life.
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Twitter: Whatsanna
, August 18th, 2010: 8:06 AM
@Avitable, buddy, there’s willingness to analyze. And then there’s self critical. The latter is just mean.
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So glad you are in a good place now! Best of wishes on your continuing journey.
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@Petunia, thank you.
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Twitter: Whatsanna
says:
Ah my dearest one, nothing could have made me happier than to read this. Happiness – you above all deserve it.
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@Nanna, thank you.
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Cool. So it does eventually work. I’ll keep going then.
Also, congrats on reaching this place in your life. This is wonderful.
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@Hockeymandad, just make sure you have the right person to talk to.
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Twitter: ItsToni
says:
xoxo
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@Toni,
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Happy Graduation!
What I loved about therapy is that you could say exactly what you were thinking and it was received without judgement. Talking to someone who has no emotional investment in what you’re saying is very freeing. And sometimes just getting to say certain things out loud makes you feel so much better.
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@Finn, I agree, even if I wasn’t realizing it at the time.
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Does she know about the nail polish?
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@Grant, she thinks it looks great.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Good for you! You make me want to be a better man. Er, or something.
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@B.E. Earl, but aren’t you already perfect as it is?
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Hey, now that you’re no longer her patient, you can start having sex with her.
But seriously, good job.
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@Krëg, I totally would, too. She’s gorgeous.
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Twitter: snerkology
says:
Good for you, Adam!!!
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@Tiffany, thank you.
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Twitter: twinmomoftwinz
says:
This…should be required reading. So honest, so thought provoking so inspiring. Glad you found the you that you wanted and needed to be.
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@Stacey, I’m still getting there, but I feel like I can do the rest on my own.
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Knowing the motivations for your actions is pretty much the battle. Figure that out, and the rest is smooth sailing.
Maybe. Probably not.
Anyway, it’s good to feel happy. Yay!
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@Sybil Law, still some rough sailing, but at least it’s more manageable.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
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@Poppy, yay indeed.
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Twitter: lceel
says:
I wish I had had therapy when I needed it. You’re a lucky man. Well done.
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@lceel, I’m glad I was encouraged to go when I did.
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Good for you! I have my very first session ever on Sunday!
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@cat, oh, good luck!
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@Avitable, Thanks! I’m kind of excited about it, ha ha!
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I will take the jigsaw puzzle that is my heart and soul, and I know that I will be okay. Better than okay. I know that I will be happy.
I’d really like to be able to say this myself. Hopefully some day soon, I will. But, also, sometimes I sorta feel like everyone else knows how to do this… this whole thing… better than I do. Like everyone else is on a merry-go-round and I just can’t figure out how to jump on too. I want a ride!
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@ExtraO, it takes time. I used to think I had it figured out, and it’s taken effort to realize that I don’t, and I never will.
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So true. I like the line about needing the safe place to go to rebuild. You brought a tear to my eye. Fucker. Nice to be on the other side of the hump in regards to the repair process. I’m happy for you.
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@Biz, thank you.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
Good for you, therapy can be such an amazing thing, I think sometimes about getting back to it. I wish more people would, good for you for not just ignoring the world around you and your place in it but taking the time to figure things out a bit. I think we never stop figuring it all out.
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@Robin, just don’t accidentally go to the rapist instead. That won’t be nearly as helpful.
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I thought I loved the post before(I am) but this just topped it all.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy your other posts too but I always look forward to your “serious stuff” because it has so much depth and soul to it.
You’re an interesting person, you sometimes come off tough and cynical but there is also this very sensitive and kind side of you. I see it in your friendships and in the care that you take to protect and nurture those friendships.
I respect your privacy but I am thankful that you share these bits of your soul because it is beautiful.
I am so proud of you and I am so happy that you’ve found “you” again.
You hit it right on the ahead about “graduating” and you did it so eloquently. Right down to appreciating the little things, and having a whole new perspective, the realization of how far you’ve come and ‘oh man, i really was quite broken when i started’ or even just the brilliant “aha” at the end when it’s over and the understanding that it is a constant work in progress but that you are “not fixed but definitely not broken either”.
This was everything I wanted to say but didn’t know how to say.
Thank you, on behalf of the more silent ones, for giving us a voice.
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@racheal, I’m glad that my experience, as flawed and bumpy as it has been, can be a voice for anything.
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Twitter: leeleykeel
says:
how awesome is that?! i found therapy to be the same way, a safe place to fix myself once busted. thanks for sharing that.
and yay you!
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@leel, yay me indeed!
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“We’re all works in progress”. Quote of the day. Perfect.
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@Kevin Spencer, I read it in a fortune cookie.
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Twitter: fandpinlv
says:
I am proud of you for taking responsibility for your happiness. You’re pretty damn awesome. Don’t forget that. Ever.
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@Nancy [Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas], don’t worry, my ego won’t let me.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Let’s not kid ourselves. We both know the reason your life is better now is because you just spent several days with me.
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@muskrat, sigh. It’s true. Plus all that muskrat loving. In my butt.
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Awesome post, dude. I’m happy for you.
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@Chibi Jeebs, thank you.
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Twitter: Beccas4
says:
I’m glad you had a safe place to discover your real self, and be safe!! I love when you write stuff like this, it let’s us see different sides of you.
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@Becca, but isn’t the perverted, cynical side the best?
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Congratulations, my dear. I remember the year of therapy I spent after my father died and hearing the therapist (and myself) come to the agreement that I was good. I was OK. I could walk and figure out the rest as I went along, that I was no longer in danger of exploding from the anger and grief I felt after his death.
It’s a good feeling, isn’t it?
And by the way, where’s your penis in that picture? Shouldn’t it be draped over the couch?
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, I was dressed, so it was tucked.
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I look forward to talking to Adam, because that wall, while charming, was heavy even on this side. Just sayin…
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@DeannaBanana, yeah.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
You?? A control freak?! I never ever would have guessed it!
Seriously though….congrats on graduating therapy!
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@Sheila, thank you. Smartass.
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Congrats, dude.
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@Orion, thanks.
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You’re one of the bravest people I know.
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@Dragon, no, I’m really not. Hey, weren’t you going to send me some cookies?
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self-actualization is a beautiful thing if one can self-actualize.
man, sometimes I scare myself with the bullshit i can espouse.
congrats.
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@gorillabuns, I know what you mean. I can justify anything to myself.
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
I wish therapy could do for me what it has done for you.
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@Shelli, maybe the right therapist can make a difference?
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Twitter: shellimil
, August 23rd, 2010: 1:22 PM
@Avitable, But how do you find the “right” one when your insurance mandates which one you can go to. It’s a scam.
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@Shelli, that sucks. I don’t know the answer to that. Sorry.
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I am a year and a half out from my last session. Much like you, I needed somewhere to go to sit and think and collect what was left and patch up what wasn’t. And then one day I had The Conversation, and it went much like the one above. I didn’t think I was ready to stop coming, so I kept coming. And we talked about the weather. Or whatever. And then one day I had to cancel an appointment and I never called to reschedule. And neither did the therapist.
And now I think I’m ready to go back, but just for some routine maintenance. I feel good but I want to stay that way.
Because I’ve always been and always will be a crazy person I will forever wait for the other shoe to drop. For things to fall apart again. And they may. But then again, they may not.
I’m enjoying the interim.
Even if it does sometimes feel that I’m hopping along on one foot.
I hope this feeling lasts for a very long time for you.
And for me too.
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@Lora, I could see going back if I have big changes in my life or upheaval. I hope we can both remain relatively sane, at least to the general public, for the foreseeable future.
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Well, that’s precisely what therapy is for. I’m so happy you found it helpful… yay for you, Adam!
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@Grumble Girl, thank you!
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