Her head was cocked and I could tell she was assessing me. “So, you’ve been coming here for almost a year.”
“And back then, you were in a bad place, wouldn’t you say?”
“Yeah. I was broken.”
“Now, you’re . . .”
“I’m not fixed. But I’m definitely not still broken, either.”
“I was going to say that you seem content. Happy, even.”
“I feel content. For the first time, I feel relieved. I know that after the divorce, I was a single man with the world at his fingertips, but I was still in the same patterns, relying on the same tricks, sticking to the same routine, all for the sake of comfort and familiarity. And now . . .”
“Now you’re not?”
“I’m definitely not. Now I finally see that the world is my oyster. There’s so much that I can do, and I don’t want to be tied down anymore.”
“The person who’s sitting here before me today is so much different from the person a year ago.”
“I feel different. I feel better. I feel . . . like a chapter of my life has actually closed and a new one is beginning. I never knew what that felt like before.”
“It does feel very much like a chapter closing of a very interesting book.”
“And I think part of closing that chapter is . . . finishing what you and I have here.”
“I think . . . I think that I will always have issues. And most of those issues will center around control and my need to control everything.”
“But I think our sessions will never resolve those issues. The only way that I can tackle them would be through in-depth serious analysis. Two to three hours a day, five days a week. And at this point in my life, I have neither the time nor means necessary to focus on that. Maybe someday.”
“Everyone has issues. Everyone will always have issues. Being cognizant of them is an excellent first step. And I agree. I don’t think there’s anything more that we can do here.”
“Thank you for . . . for the last year.”
“Good luck, Adam. My door will always be open for you.”
I have always had an easy life. I have always been sheltered. I’ve never wanted for anything, and there are no childhood traumas in my life that I’ve blocked out. I have no real deep, dark secrets from my past that affect who I am today. Yet, when I went to therapy, I was broken and shattered. I didn’t walk in with a problem that I needed to solve – I needed a safe place to put myself back together.
It took me a year to understand that therapy does different things for different people. My sessions were like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. When a piece fell into place, things felt a little lighter. The tunnel grew shorter. This wasn’t the type of therapy where I was emotionally and physically drained after every session. With the exception of two times that I cried, my sessions were almost clinical in nature, analyzing my statements and moods by sorting through the minutiae of my day. And almost every week, I looked forward to my session. It was a place without judging or derision or criticism. And now, in retrospect, I realize that it was a place of gradual rebuilding.
We’re all works in progress. I want to consistently push myself to understand my motivations for my actions. I will take the input and advice of my friends who I trust and respect, and I will take the jigsaw puzzle that is my heart and soul, and I know that I will be okay. Better than okay. I know that I will be happy.