Be a Ground Hero Not a Ground Zero

I heard a little piece of news about a protest in New York City. Apparently, people are upset about plans to build a mosque near Ground Zero. My friend Faiqa even wrote a post about it.

The more that I read, the more incensed I got about it. How dare they?

How dare anyone try to build a mosque near Ground Zero!

It’s insensitive to those who lost their lives, both on 9/11 and in the War on Terror. It’s an affront to the American way of life. And I don’t think we’re going far enough by protesting it.

I’m asking everyone to comment on this post and I will use it as a petition that I can send directly to President Obama himself.

Dear President Obama,

We, as Americans, are outraged by the blatant disregard that your people have shown us. Too many lives were lost and are still being lost every single day for us to ignore this terrorist threat.

WE DEMAND that any plans involving the building and development of mosques within a 10 (ten) block radius of Ground Zero be immediately and permanently denied.

WE DEMAND that any plans involving the building and development of any edifice that may involve high levels of Muslim activity, including Muslim community centers, Muslim schools, 7-Elevens, hookah bars, tech support centers, or restaurants that serve any type of food that includes curry, olives, hummus, or include the name “Ali”, “Pita”, or “Halal”, within a 10 (ten) block radius of Ground Zero be immediately and permanently denied.

WE DEMAND that any building that already exists within a 10 (ten) block radius of Ground Zero that meets the aforementioned specifications be relocated, at the expense of the building owner and tenants, to a man-made island that will be located off the Eastern Coast of the United States, in international waters, to be monitored by the Coast Guard and naval carriers at all times.

WE DEMAND that the following words be prohibited from being spoken or printed within the confines of New York City: Muslim, Islam, Koran, Allah, Osama, Obama, Olbermann, Eid, Fatwa, Ramadan, Mohammad, Imam, Jihad, Gyro, or Apu.

WE DEMAND that all countries in the Middle East and parts of Asia be combined into one giant country that we can call “Terrorist Land”.

WE DEMAND that all citizens and visitors to our great country who have a skin color darker than peach and who are not visibly black or Mexican be fitted with an ankle bracelet so that they can be monitored at all times, and marked with a red “T” so that we can know that they hate America.

WE DEMAND that after further thought, might as well put the ankle bracelets on the blacks and Mexicans, too.

WE DEMAND that all telephone and email communications within this great country be monitored by our government, except for private militia groups, fundamentalist Christian groups, and the Great White Hope, Sarah Palin.

WE DEMAND that Glenn Beck be appointed the new Emperor of Anti-Terrorism and that he is given inalienable power and rights without judicial, executive, or administrative review.

WE DEMAND, while we’re at it, that anyone who even says the word abortion should just be kicked out of America and sent to France.

WE DEMAND that when these measures do nothing to increase our security yet eliminate our civil rights as provided to us by the Constitution, we reserve the right to blame everyone else, including (in no particular order): liberals, blacks, Jews, the Chinese, the Japanese, penguins, the French, bankers, Wall Street, Main Street, Eskimos, CNN, MSNBC, Ohio, California, illegal immigrants, Canadians, Willy Wonka, ugly people, fat people, midgets, the gays, the straights who sympathize with gays, and pacifists.


A Proud America


115 thoughts on “Be a Ground Hero Not a Ground Zero”

  1. Now this? THIS is the writing to which I am accustomed at this site. Excellent work. You almost got ME to sign the petition. Until you started talking about halal carts. That’s sacred, yo.

    THE HALAL CART! It’s the Muslim American’s ace in the hole, my friend.

      1. @Mom101, ah, but without the scary brown people, we’ll never know how to make the hummus as good as it should be. It’s a double-edged sword, but I’ll take terrorists and delicious hummus any day.

  2. Brilliant writing as always, and I am pretty sure my MIL would not only sign this but send it to all of her family and friends so they would too. Yes I open my email each morning in fear of the dreaded forward fairy…

  3. I have been mesmerized by this issue for the last week. I’m Canadian so perhaps I have no right to wade in on this debate, but I don’t actually see this as being about religious freedom at all and I think you’ve captured exactly what this is actually about with your brilliant satire. I recently read a quote (and damned if I can remember by whom) that essentially compared this anti-Muslim madness to McCarthy-era rabid anti-communism and how, upon reflection years from now, it would appear just as silly. I’m relieved to know that there are people who think it’s ridiculous right now! Unfortunately, as ridiculous as it is, it is indicative of a serious problem pervading the United States that is threatening the rights and freedoms of every citizen, not just anyone remotely linked to Islam.

  4. Brilliant. I am so tired of being bombarded by Right Wing this and Left Wing that. There was a time when one could turn to the media for an objective, fact-checked and truthful assessment of the happenings of the day. Not so anymore. These days it’s all “Yellow Journalism”.

    Except here.

    Here is the “Jaundiced Eye”, the “Objective View” touched with just the proper amount of Cynicism.

    Thanks, man.

      1. I do know and LOVE LOVE LOVE the shawarma! We have SO many yummy shawarma places here in Ottawa. Is there anything better than that secret garlic sause? The best is the shawarma at 2 a.m. after a night out! Also, in Greece, they put french fries in the gyro, too!!!!! It’s a BRILLIANT idea, no? πŸ™‚ xo

  5. How much of this is a joke? I was with you until some of the goofy things and I don’t know your blog well enough to know what is a joke and what is not.

  6. I’m glad you finally wrote a serious post and tackled the issue of those islams. They just ain’t Christian. But it would have been better if you also demanded the elimination of the homersexuals*. They’re all gay, you know.

    – Yours in Palin

    * but keep the Japanese girl on girl porn, because it’s all kinds of awesome

  7. Yum! Hummus Island! I can’t wait! But I though hummus was Greek. Are we kicking the Greeks out too? You’re going to need a very large island and I think the gays should get their own. I want to be able to vacation on Big Gay Island. The shopping would be fabulous. Do terrorists blow up their own mosques or just each others? Seems like you’d lose your ticket to virgin paradise for that either way. I find it hard to believe that Allah would delight in the destruction of his house of worship. I wonder if building a mosque in the front yard would be protection or invitation. Please find out ASAP. If it’s the former than we need to gather the Mexicans to begin construction before the ankle bracelets are distributed. I don’t want anything to slow them down.

  8. Was that the whole point of Faiqa’s original post? So you could mock the people who, for whatever personal reasons they have, object to the placement of the mosque?

    Democracy must suck for you.

    1. @Poppy, I’m not Faiqa, so I can’t discuss the whole point of her post. The point of my post is the point of many of my posts – to be funny and maybe encourage people to think about their motivations.

  9. The sad thing is, this is not too terribly different than the emails my husband’s aunt sends me. I think if I sent this to her, she’d weep with joy. I should do it!

    Also, “Terrorist Land” made me LOL!

  10. You have pointed out what I long suspected, that pengiuns are really evil. Sure they look cute and waddle and all, but they are just well dressed radical poultry.

    Not that I haven’t loved your artistic posts, but this is the stuff I love you for.

  11. Apu is Hindu…not Muslim. Although, they do fight with each other, so I guess it’s all kinda the same thing…ooh! Now there’s an issue worth talking about! Will they build mosques in India on top of where Pakistan nukes them? Maybe in Soviet Russia they’ll build a city in the mosque when the skyscrapers crash into the hijacked plane! How about we do this for all sites like this? We’ll built Torii gates in pearl harbor, chuches on top of holocaust concentration camps, synagogues at the great pyramids, pagan temples in Rome, and giant mountains with an old guy sitting on top in…um…what did the buddhists ever do to anyone? Do something evil like all the other religions! It’s so hard to make a joke when you just make peace with everyone! How about killing a bunch of those Chinese people that keep oppressing you? Or maybe you could destroy the internet! That way all the 30 year old virgins in their mom’s basement would actually care. And since they make up most of the population of America, that’s a good thing! Ok, I think I managed to offend the entire world there…wait, I missed the atheists. Well, to offend them, I’ll just present my personal view on religion: “Religion makes bad people good, agnosticism makes good people better, and atheism makes them all ignorant.” Oh, wait, I missed the agnostics, too….wait, I’m not going to offend myself! #1 rule of the Internet: If something offends you, call the sayer immature names and offend somebody else.

      1. @Avitable, Yeah, I realized that about halfway through. But it was just too good a segway into the rest of it that I couldn’t bring myself to take it out….

  12. I’d sign it. Really. I would. Except, I’m a very large fan of Willy Wonka and the Umpa Lumpas. So, I’ll have to pass. I wish you luck though.

    Note to self: Never read here while drinking liquids.

    I can not stop laughing.

  13. Adam, you scared me. I was frowning and worried that I had misread you for a while. Thank God it was a joke.

    It’s really scary how people ARE all crazed over it, though. To the point of violence and hate crimes and they can’t SEE that what they are doing is EXACTLY what people have always done when their “way of life” is threatened; they freak the hell out and start a war. Brilliant plan, too, because that ALWAYS works out well for everyone.

    I have actually lost a lot of respect for some friends and family over their incense at the mosque’s location.

  14. I think I heart you a little and even though you blame Canada I’m volunteering to become your Canadian stalker (in the not-creepy-just-means-I-like-your-blog-alot sort of way). Unless there’s already a brigade, then I’ll just join them.

    Oh, I’d also like to sign up for the job of ‘one who comments on posts way late’.

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