Anyone who’s ever been in sales or seen Glengarry Glen Ross knows about the ABCs of sales. Always Be Closing. So simple, yet so perfect. It’s easy to use as a motivator and impossible to forget.
I think it would be much easier if every job, hobby, and other aspect of life had such a simple mantra using letters of the alphabet.
Dating: Always Bring Condoms
Babysitting: Don’t Eat Feces
Taco Bell Job: Give Him Indigestion
High School Bullying: Just Kidding, Losers
Being Greek: Make Noise: Opa!
Adulterer: Perform Quickie, Run
For Depression: Start Trying Uppers
Gerard Butler’s character from 300: Violently Wrangle Xerxes
Spice Girl: Yell Zig Ah
Police Officer: Be Chewing Donuts
Frodo: Escape From Gollum
Working at the Needle Exchange: Helpfully Inject Junkies
Lesbian: Kindly Lick Muff
Vulcan: Needlessly Observe Protocol
Priest or Nun: Quietly Resist Sex
Andrew Zimmern from Bizarre Foods: Taste Ugandan Venison
Anxious Person: Wanting Xanax Yumminess
And of course, don’t forget the most important mantra for Bloggers: Always Be Commenting.
Enjoy this post? Try these:DWB (Driving While Black)
Bring your kid to work and have them watch you get fired!
“You Lie!” – The Joe Wilsonizer
Twitter: kimt205
says:
KTKA- Kim Tested , Kim Approved.
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@Kim, not exactly sequential letters of the alphabet, but close enough.
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Twitter: Adriennevh
says:
Funny Go Haha
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@Adrienne, I think that might be my new slogan.
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Twitter: s_csr
, August 26th, 2010: 10:57 AM
@Adrienne, You’re hysterical! I love it.
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Twitter: MFA_Mama
says:
The alphabet thing is cute. I kind of miss Hitler. Also, eyeliner on you is…oddly compelling.
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@MFA Mama, Hitler’s still here, if your browser is open all the way at a high enough resolution –>
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@MFA Mama, Androgyny is so macho
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
Good job working Xerxes in there, that couldn’t have been easy
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@Amanda, I didn’t want to go the cheap route of eXamine or anything like that.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Yeah, but do you get a set of steak knives for coming in second place with any of those other ones?
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@B.E. Earl, you know, I’ve never actually seen that movie all the way through. Something’s always interrupted me.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
, August 26th, 2010: 2:32 PM
@Avitable, You know, I generally like David Mamet films. The unique dialogue is a little mesmerizing. Like in Heist, The Spanish Prisoner or even Spartan. But I don’t think you are missing anything by having never seen this one all the way through. I just couldn’t get into it. That particular scene, of course, is brilliant. I’ll watch that scene over and over and over again.
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Twitter: laurie_pooh
says:
Yell Zig Ah? Awesome.
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@Laurie, that was the one I was the most proud of.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Xerxes… very nice. I’m impressed. I would have gone with “Ann Coulter : Viciously Wicked Xenophobe.” Or something.
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@Faiqa, ooh, nice one!
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Gerard Butler and Xanax… Oooommmmiigooooddd. Hello. Yum.
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@Tiffany, and licking muff!
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Twitter: ellemmes
says:
Avitable: Brings Creativity Daily
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@Lisa, I see what you did there and I like it.
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Mary Bale: British Cat Discard
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@Julie, I have no idea who that is.
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@Avitable, She’s the woman who is all over the news for throwing away a cat: http://news.lalate.com/2010/08/26/mary-bale-could-face-prison-time-for-lola-the-cat/
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@Julie, interesting. I guess I should pay more attention to the news.
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Adulterers and Lesbians have all the fun! Except for the running. The horrible, horrible running.
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@SisterMerryHellish, agreed. Dreadful, miserable running.
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What about Lindsey? Drink More Pills
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@Hockeymandad, I don’t know what alphabet you use, but those letters don’t follow each other sequentially in the Avitable alphabet. Heh.
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There’s a job opening to be Frodo? I’m there.
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@Grant, you’d have to have a gay relationship with Samwise, though.
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Twitter: NenetteAM
says:
Adam: Clever Dude Excels
Very impressed.
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@Nenette, nice one. And thanks.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Do it backwards, do it backwards!
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Twitter: themuskrat
, August 26th, 2010: 10:40 AM
@Poppy, I wonder why my avatar shows up next to the commenter above me every day. Hmm.
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@Muskrat, it’s something weird with the caching of the site. It works when you refresh the page.
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@Poppy, now that’s TOO much work.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
My morning routine: Avitable Before Coffee
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@Muskrat, every time I meet you, my ass is sore because Muskrat Needs Orgasms.
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Twitter: themuskrat
, August 27th, 2010: 9:21 AM
@Avitable, Filthiest comment reply ever. And hilarious.
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Awesome! Yell Zig Ah is gonna have me chuckling all day long…
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@rebecca, it’s an easy mantra to remember. The Spice Girls aren’t that smart.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Yeah…..I’m nowhere near creative enough for this shit.
Oh well, such is life.
I was impressed by the Yell Zig Ah but my favorite is the one you didn’t write, LOL.
“Funny Go Haha”
Cracks me up, man.
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Twitter: s_csr
, August 26th, 2010: 11:02 AM
Also, I’ve never seen this movie. I’ll go ahead and say that I need to check it out but who am I kidding? I’ll never remember to actually do it.
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Sybil – The Underrated… Vagina ?!
Crap! I suck!
(However, yours were excellent!)
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@Sybil Law, Sybil: The Uber Vagina.
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
Fantastic! I might use Yell Zig Ah at some random moment just for the hell of it today. Kudos to Adrienne for Funny go haha too!
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@Karin, you should just yell it at random and see how it goes.
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You had me at Xerxes.
Avitable – Show Testicles Unashamedly
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@Neeroc, ooh, nice one!
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awesome
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@Lora, here’s one just for you:
Lora: Boobs Can Defy Earth’s Fucking Gravity.
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Twitter: MrsLoulou
says:
Awesome! This could make for a great ROYO at BlogHer, I think!
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@Loukia, I don’t think it would be very exciting – it would just be you and me!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
These were fucking awesome. I love that you are always so creative.
And I am so loving the new design over here. Well done!
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@hello haha narf, glad you like the new design.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Always verify if the adult bee leaves eggs around. Very itchy testicles aren’t bearable. Learn every avenue. Vengeful, I tactfully allow bullies leeway. Each army vanquishes in tanks as bombs lay extinction.
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@whall, you win the Internet.
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Twitter: an_bhean
, August 29th, 2010: 8:22 PM
@whall, wow. just wow.
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Avitable Bares Cock.
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@Superjules, for shame. I do no such thing. I limit it to testicles! Unless that was an order?
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Avitable’s Avatar Boldly Bares Cartoon Cock.
Better?
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@Superjules, hahah – very nice!
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
Shelli Talkingto U.
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@Shelli, ha!
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You, my friend, have a talent. You need to write ABC books for demented children.
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@Jules, child serial killers, in fact.
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