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10 ideas to change the world

CNN had a story yesterday discussing 10 ideas that could change the world. It was a bunch of pablum – ideas like recycling, portable water cleaners, walking, and printing on both sides of the paper.

Everybody knows that these ideas only work in a Utopian world. The reality is that there are definitely ideas that can change the world, and they can do that by changing the country first. With a stronger, healthier US, the world will get better and stronger as a result. With ideas like these, we can take the first step towards changing the world:

10. Legalize marijuana: Do you know why marijuana is considered a gateway drug? Because the same person you can get it from also sells hard drugs. If you got it from your local Walgreens or CVS, the only gate you’d open would be one to the wonderful world of Tylenol, Wellbutrin, and Proton Pump Inhibitors. By taxing it, the government could create revenue where there is none. Prison overcrowding would decrease. And sales of junk food would stimulate the economy.

9. Teleportation: If there were teleport stations that could instantly transport us to another location, the airline industry would be limited to package delivery and luxury experiences. This would eliminate the need for the bloated and incompetent government agency, the TSA. Workdays would become more efficient because hours of flight and airport time would be eliminated. Pollution from air travel would be reduced, as well. On the downside, we’d hear ten thousand “Beam me up, Scotty” jokes a day.

8. Revamp the television industry: With more and more children replacing books with television, it’s essential that the TV industry rise to the challenge. By eliminating the antiquated Nielsen rating method of calculating a show’s value and considering the fact that intelligent programming has more downloads and online purchases and views than other television, we can see the proliferation of more shows that make us think. If television executives were replaced with television writers, children and adults alike would have quality television to watch, enriching their intelligence. And if the shows were “too smart” for people, maybe they’d pick up a fucking book instead.

7. Eliminate weekends: Let’s face it, most people waste their weekends by fucking up their sleep schedule, laying around, and occasionally running errands. If we changed workweeks to shifts, alternating between 9 AM to 3 PM and 11 AM to 5 PM, seven days a week, parents would be able to be home with their kids after school, getting quality time. With businesses being open seven days a week, brick and mortar stores will be able to compete with the Internet, and if you lose your debit card on a Sunday, you’ll be able to get it replaced immediately.

6. Nationalize driver’s licenses and speed limits: If we have one type of ID card for everyone, we will make it more difficult for everyone to get fake IDs, which may help with fewer drunk driving incidents with underage kids while making it easier to catch criminals. A national speed limit will reduce the risk of accidents caused by people constantly slowing down and accelerating, and a national force to enforce speeding violations could free up local and regional police to focus on real crime.

5. Push forward a third political party: Our political system needs an overhaul. When a president like Obama tries to reach across party lines and is derided by both Republicans and Democrats alike, something is seriously wrong. That whole “united we stand” concept is an absolute truth, but as we get more and more polarized, we get weaker and weaker as a country. If we could develop a third political party with some actual strength, Americans would be forced to compromise and change their way of thinking in order to see their ideals and concepts grow. And if we have more compromise and less fearmongering, we will thrive.

4. Annex Canada and Mexico: By making Mexico a part of the United States, more than half of the immigration debate is eliminated. Canada is basically the US already, just with weird colored money and too much French, and all of our best comedians come from the Great White North. If North America and the United States were one and the same, we could have poutine in Florida and they could have Hulu and iPhones in Canada. Our border patrols would be limited to the Central America/North America juncture, and we could increase the power of our navy to what it should be. Although, thanks to the Village People, the navy will still be pretty gay.

3. Give teachers a fucking break: Doctors save lives. Entertainers keep us happy. Lawyers run the country. Teachers are the ones responsible for the country’s future. They should get pay commensurate with the burden placed on their shoulders. We should offer student loan forgiveness and even free education if they promise to teach for a specific number of years. Schools should be rewarded on excellence and aptitude scores, not on how many students they can push through each grade.

2. Get rid of business attire: Mandatory business attire is one avenue that leads to classism. If stockbrokers, lawyers, and freelance writers all looked alike, maybe people would get to know each other before deciding they didn’t like one another. Plus, not needing shirts and slacks to be ironed would push gender equality forward another 10 steps.

1. Make me Emperor of the World: As far as I can figure it out, I’m the best chance our world has to be totally awesome. We’ll have a global currency called the Avitabuck. The top 5% of the world’s population will financially support the bottom 20%. Birthday cake, Oreos and Diet Coke will be provided for free, and ugly and stupid people will be relegated to an island where they can only procreate with each other. Everyone gets iPhones, laptops, and WiFi, and everywhere is clothing optional. It’ll be a paradise!

91 thoughts on “10 ideas to change the world”

  1. I vaguely feel like I should be concerned that there are more things on your list that I could maybe get behind, than I’ve heard from most (if not all) politicians.

    But Oreos kinda seal it for me, so you’ve got my vote.

  2. You’re so cute, thinking that they’ll male YOU emperor of the world when what they really need is an empress. I’m available, people. Just FYI. Don’t worry, Adam, you can be my sidekick who is secretly planning a takeover. Every empress needs a guy like that to keep her on her toes.

  3. 6. Yes, like giving me a ticket for parking the same distance from a fire hydrant as everyone else in the neighborhood back when my plates were still Vermont issued. Or like giving me a ticket for being one day late with my inspection during a holiday weekend so I had to worry all weekend that I’d get another ticket, so I had to leave a note on my dashboard promising that I would get my car inspected as soon as the stations opened again, but the guys who set off fireworks on the rooftop gets no consequence. The world will be much more betterer when we stop having police officers worry about speeding. (I’m good friends with several police officers who do work that has nothing to do with car speeding and I appreciate their sacrifice and efforts on a daily basis, just busting chops for the ones in my neighborhood who act like “Police Academy” cops.)

  4. A lot of what you’re asking for already exists depending on what state you live in (i.e. loan forgiveness based on profession and getting rid of weekends, so to speak), though I agree that these things should be national. Awesome point about annexing Canada and Mexico – we would have more of a direct benefit from the labor we are using in Mexico (i.e. no more NAFTA) and gas prices may go down because we would have more access to our oil reserves (since we get 80% of our oil from Les Canadiens….) However, you forgot about truly legalizing prostitution (legalize it and grab that tax revenue) and getting rid of affirmative action (making the workplace a true meritocracy and truly punishing those who discriminate against ANYONE, even those with no pants!).

    1. @Robin, yeah, I do know that some of those ideas exist in a few states, but the national impact could be significant.

      I have a problem with getting rid of affirmative action in all capacities. If there are two equally qualified people for a position, picking the minority to hire still sounds like a good idea.

          1. @Avitable, But what you’re saying is that they should hire the black dude/brown dude/purple dude because they’re black/brown/purple.

            So now the shoe is on the other foot. It used to be you had to work harder if you’re a minority. So what, because I’m white I would have to work *three times* as hard to be able to be hired? Because, according to you, if two people have the exact same qualifications, the minority person should get it just because they’re a minority? That kind of logic doesn’t make any sense. How is that fair to anyone?

            “Oh, don’t worry man, we totally love black people at our company so that’s why we hired you.”

            I’m saying this to be an asshole but I guess it’s that whole white girl thing so I “just don’t get it”….but I don’t see how it is not discrimination to not hire someone just because they’re not a minority. Either way, it’s basically government mandated preferential treatment of someone strictly because of their race.

          2. @Sheila, what I’m saying is that we have two equally qualified people, improving diversity by strongly encouraging the minority to get hired helps eliminate the white boys’ club, fosters more diversity as those people are elevated through the ranks, and can expose some of the stereotypes of racism. I also think that it should apply to women. If you have two candidates who are equal, hire the woman.

          3. @Avitable, But then, after a while, it’s no longer diversified….you wind up with a lot of minority dudes and estrogen and no white dudes.

            I understand the need for diversity in the work place and, as a woman, I suppose in some way I can kind of appreciate what you’re saying. But I haven’t really encountered such extreme prejudices in my world against others *or* myself – other than that damned PTA – so maybe that’s why?

          4. @Sheila, Um, one of my best friends in lawschool was a black girl who graduated at the top of her class and HATED that fact that whenever she met someone who learned where she worked (biggest/highest paying firm in Atlanta), she knew that person likely assumed she worked there because of her skin color instead of her merits. Quotas and AA hurt those who excel.

          5. @Avitable, I used a lot of words. They make sense to me. I think you purposely misunderstand when we talk about things like this to try and fake me out when you know that I’m right and you’re wrong.

          6. @Sheila, If you work hard for something, your skin color shouldn’t matter. I think it’s a slap in the face to hire someone because they’re a minority. It slaps both parties in the face. “I worked really hard in law school but they won’t hire me because they haven’t met their minority quota.” On the other hand, “I worked really hard in law school and I *deserve* this position but everyone is going to think I got it because they haven’t met their minority quota.”

            My best friend in high school dealt with that at her college as well.

          7. @Muskrat, they don’t always hurt those who excel. With so many old white partners who would rather hire young white men, it can help push some people into spots where they deserve to be. After some time, it can be phased out, but at first, it takes that type of mandate.

          8. @Avitable, That mandate has been in effect for quite some time though I’ll go ahead and say that I can’t remember exactly when. Also, dude, the good ol’ boys club has been defunct for quite some time. The ones that were left killed themselves when the economic bubble burst. D’uh.

  5. If Faiqa is ruling (and I am assuming she will, because women always outsmart men), and you are her sidekick, I should definitely get a spot in there somewhere. I’ll be her spy or something.
    Also, tenure for teachers is kinda outdated and stupid – where’s the motivation to do your best when you know you’re guaranteed a job no matter what?

    1. @Sybil Law, I don’t believe I said tenure. Teachers would have to hold high standards and keep constantly recertified, just like doctors and lawyers. And their teaching license would be national, so if they lost it, they couldn’t teach anywhere.

  6. Canada is so going to legalize marijuana before the US does. We’re cool like that.

    And we have like, a lot of political parties. One of which actually hates Canada and wants to become its own nation, which I think is completely ridiculous. (Because Quebec is apparently the centre of the universe.) We love variety!

    Teleportation would be awesome because I wouldn’t have to worry about flying and I could get to the places I wanted to be in a heartbeat and be back home for my children’s bedtime. Pretty awesome.

    Oh and yes, poutine rocks. And we have iphones here. πŸ™‚

    1. @Loukia, did you miss where I said that we’d totally annex Canada? So then you’d just be part of our country, and you’d have to stop using those silly “u”s everywhere.

      You have iPhones, but you can’t preorder them or hold them on waiting lists!

      1. @Avitable, We have Golden Oreos. I know they’re not Canadian, but I just had to say thst I love them. Also, I’ll be happy to became an American because I do miss Apple Jacks. πŸ™‚

  7. #3. Amen.

    I am a teacher at a private facility. I teach year-round and make less than the local public school teachers who are contracted 40 fewer days per year.

    I have student loans beyond reason, admittedly my poor planning, and cannot realistically afford to go to grad school so I can make more teaching.

    It’s a never ending cycle of insanity that is truly making me consider leaving teaching after this year.

    It’s nice to read that someone from outside of the profession “gets” it.

  8. Get rid of weekends? No, sir. Then when will I ever be able to sleep off my hangovers? What we need is nation-wide mandatory vacation months (everyone gets off for the entire month of August and the entire month of February). August because we can spend the month relaxing and beaching, and Feb because every year I just want to skip February and this way, I could. Also? Four-day work weeks for everyooone! Because duh.

    1. @Yellaphant, that is the type of empire that would crumble because nothing would ever get done! With mine, people would work hard, but they would play hard, too. Although I think skipping February is a good idea.

  9. You had me right up until you said eliminate weekends and then I had to go “Oh hell no!!” because I love my weekends and I can’t exactly wear my camo pants to work on laundry day so just for that you keep your stinking Oreos I’m voting for Faiqa.

  10. I like most of these. Not sure about the weekends thing. I think maybe working Saturday and Sunday and having the weekdays off would be a better plan.

    Also, let me quickly summarize the argument against #6: Uh .. Socialism! Hitler! Communism. I mean, I’m just assuming that is the argument since it’s the argument used against basically everything.

      1. @Avitable, We’re going to get one before long anyway (next time we’re attacked by terrorists if not sooner), but no, I’d rather keep some autonomy at the states level in that category.

  11. 10. Totally agree. Although, I say legalize all of it. Legalizing marijuana/heroin/cocaine/etc. does not mean you get to drive under the influence or sell it to minors or whatever else people think. It means Darwin gets to have his way. I’ll leave it at that.

    9. I’m going to be totally McCoy about this and state I would still use an airplane. The first time some hacker gains control of the hard drive on which any one’s information is stored will be the last time teleportation is used for humans.

    8. Firefly.

    7. Sounds pretty good. And have year-round school, too. And I’m completely serious about that one.

    6. It’s called a US passport and if Americans would fucking learn how to stay out of the left lane unless they’re passing, then the no-speed-limit thing would actually work.

    5. YES! Libertarian!

    4. Um, no.

    3. Give teachers a fucking break, yes. Also, give parents a fucking break. Allow us to choose the schools to which we’re sending our kids. If school A is getting the most students because of a competitive science/math program, then school B is going to have to step up its game. And get rid of teacher pensions. I can tell you that, from speaking with friends who are teachers, the pensions are what is killing our schools financially.

    2. Does this mean short plaid skirts and knee socks?

    1. As long as I’m on your cabinet/privy council, sure! OK!

  12. I’m totally behind all the changes to the United State of Avitable, until I got to that last part. I don’t want to go live with all the stupid people on an island just because I’m ugly *cries!*

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