An article on MainStreet.com identified the 20 worst charities in America. The problem with this analysis is that it only focused on the overhead and how much of every dollar paid into the charity actually makes it into the hands of the intended recipients. I decided to do my own research and focus on the benefit to the recipients and the nature of the charity itself, and here are my findings of the 5 Worst Charities in America:
#5: Restoring Nigerian Royalty
Established by a deposed Prince, the charitable foundation Restoring Nigerian Royalty provides a resource for the thousands of members of Nigerian royalty who have been removed from their thrones and forced to flee the country without the benefit of their legitimately earned wealth. While this charity purports to support the US economy by providing a percentage of all restored riches back into the currency flow, many fear that this may be too good to be true.
#4: iPhones for Tots
Personally overseen by Steve Jobs, iPhones for Tots is criticized greatly by Bill Gates and computer video game nerds across the country as creating mass baby addiction to Apple products before infants are even weaned off of breast feeding.
#3: Manhattan Executive Shelter
The Manhattan Executive Shelter uses all funds to create a safe place for unemployed executives, providing the bare minimum needed to survive. With a Swedish massage parlor, three indoor pools, a squash court, a five star restaurant, and underground car detailing service, this shelter allows executives to regain their bearing while enjoying the complementary pleasures they are used to receiving as executive perqs.
#2: The Darwin Project
In the interest of maintaining and promoting the survival of the human race, The Darwin Project incorporates life-threatening activities into the daily lives of teens and adults who are randomly kidnapped from the streets of major cities across the country. Those who survive are provided lifelong health care.
#1: Self Esteem For Ugly Teens
The Self Esteem for Ugly Teens charity, sponsored by NAMBLA, states that its goal is to “Promote healthy feelings of adequacy and inner strength among teens who may feel like outcasts due to acne, obesity, or other maladies.” Using a detailed algorithm and matching system, each teen and pre-teen is assigned a specific pedophile, who will work with the teen over several weeks to build his or her self-esteem with activities such as “Telling the teen he’s so pretty while stroking his hair”, “Buying the teen concert tickets and asking for a hug” and “Come over here and sit on my lap while I brush your hair”.
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I don’t know, I could get behind the Darwin Project. Whatever it takes to get health care reform.
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@Amanda, yeah, that’s one I guess I could support.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I am absolutely certain you wrote this entire post in order to school us on the correct spelling of “perq”.
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@Poppy, I’m glad you noticed that.
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As long as the test subjects were carefully screened, I’d give money to the Darwin Project. I don’t want no Idiocracy in my future. (No more so than already.)
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@crisi-tunity, I’d want to be the smartest person in the world in Idiocracy, though.
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Nah, I’m all for the Darwin one. There SHOULD be some sort of common sense testing before people are allowed out in the real world. Not a charity though; mandatory at 18. Of course, then there will be the cheaters who get their friends to take the test for them, so we still end up surrounded by idiots. But maybe at least it would wade out the idiots too dumb to get someone to take the test for them.
Gosh, then what do we do with the failures? You have to come up with something good that won’t upset the PETA people or Save All Humans folks.
Wait. Maybe the PETA people wouldn’t pass the test….heh heh heh.
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@Kristin, oh yeah – PETA is probably one of the worst charities just because they’re so extreme.
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I would donate to the Darwin Project, but you forgot the link.
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@Grant, just send me the money.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
, September 8th, 2010: 12:46 AM
@Avitable, I will give you my life savings if you start this charity for realz. (;
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I think all of these are worthwhile. I can’t believe I’ve been giving away thousands of dollars each year to shitty charities that help Africans have clean water or kids with diseases get better. Shit.
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@Muskrat, I know. You could be helping teens with low self esteem!
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Yep – The Darwin one sounds good to me!!
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@Sybil Law, Heh.
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Twitter: bugginword
says:
I swear that Nigerian charity keeps trying to benefit me! The send me an email almost every day blessing me AND my loved one.
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@Elly Lou, you too? I get the same thing!
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Ew, NAMBLA.
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@Hockeymandad, yeah, that’s the point. But what’s wrong with love? It’s all about the boy love.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
This? May be your best post. I know I say that every time you make me laugh really hard, but this time, I’m serious — until next time.
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, as long as you laugh, that’s all that matters!
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
My daughter is two and a half. She is very addicted to Apple products.
Seriously.
She knows how to use my sister’s iPod Touch and had to show *me* how to use it. I think she listens to my iPod more than I do.
She’ll say “Mama, where your iPog? Charging done soon?”
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@Sheila, well, you’re technotarded, so that’s no surprise.
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NAMBLA. Oh lord… that’s funny.
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@Grumble Girl, I thought so.
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