Good reasons to burn the Qur’an

Some douchebags were going to burn the Koran tomorrow for close-minded reasons that confuse fanaticism with religious representation.  And as much as it is their right to express themselves in whatever way they choose, I can’t support it.  Mainly because they’re burning the Qur’an for all the wrong reasons.  And so, as your self-appointed social conscience and morality guide, here are the right reasons to burn the Qur’an:

  1. It touched the ground.  Much like the American flag, if the Qur’an touches the ground, you should hold a formal ceremony wherein you fold the book eight times, and burn it in a consecrated stove that has been cleaned with holy water.
  2. Your buddy brought it into the bathroom to read. Red-tagging a book is always a good reason to burn it.  Do you want to keep reading the same book as the guy who pooped while he turned the pages?
  3. You have the version with the daguerreotype of a naked Mohammad in it.  It’s a little known fact that the main reason the image of Mohammad is forbidden is that he was a nudist and totally sported some massive 70s porn manbush.  The original Qur’an contained an image that showed him doing the same pose as Burt Reynolds in Cosmo, but it was so disturbing that it was excised from future editions.  It’s acceptable to burn any book that contains Prophet ManBush.
  4. You’ll freeze to death otherwise. Unless you’re going to rely on a divine presence to rescue you when you’re trapped on the top of a snow-covered mountain with nothing but a hunting knife, a book of matches, and your Qur’an, go ahead and use it for kindling.  This doesn’t count if you’re just cold at home but you haven’t even pulled the comforter on top of you yet.
  5. You want to get high.  It’s rumored that the ink used to print the Qur’an is made from a highly hallucinogenic substance, so it’s acceptable to burn each page, melt the ashes into a liquid, and then inject directly into your eyeball.
  6. You really hate messages of love and peace.  If you’ve actually read a book and you despise the actual, not perceived, content and message of a publication, it’s okay to burn it.  That’s why I burn every copy of Anti-Beard Quarterly.
  7. You’re a Nazi.  I mean, book burning is like a spectator sport with the Nazis, right?
  8. You’re a Ninja.  They’re inscrutable, so their reasons are their own.
  9. You are waiting for the movie version and don’t want the ending to be spoiled.  I burn every historical document that mentions the Titanic, because I haven’t seen the movie yet and I really don’t want to be spoiled.  If you burn your copy of the Qur’an, you’ll be less tempted to skip to the end and find out what happens.  Does it end in a river of blood and fire?  Do Chuck and Elizabeth end up together?  Is it a dream within a dream or are we in real life?
  10. You really hate words that begin with the letter Q.  It’s totally understandable if you burn queers, quagmires, Quickbooks, queues, and Don Quixote, that you would want to burn the Qur’an.

So, next time you decide you want to burn the Qur’an, print out this handy list for reference.  Then you can relax, knowing that your detractors will leave satisfied with your rational explanation.

Out of respect for my Muslim friends, I’m only linking the image I drew for this post instead of posting it inline.

[I wrote this post earlier this week when the plans were still in full force to burn the Qur’an.  While the paragraph I wrote below is slightly less relevant, I don’t think it’s at all less applicable:]

On a serious note, let me speak for myself and ideally on behalf of rational Americans and Christians everywhere.  We do NOT support this action.  I condemn it as an act of hate, which makes it decidedly not Christian and uncharacteristic of the American attitude towards Muslims across the world.  We do NOT all feel like this.  As an American, I support our right to free speech, but I believe that this action incites violence and should fall under the exception to free speech.  It should be prevented.  And I ask Muslims who might witness these radicals burning the Qur’an to understand that this is not representative of us.  Condemning all Americans or all Christians based on the actions of a few twisted zealots who have manipulated a message of peace and love to their own violent needs is as equally ignorant and blind a behavior as those people who blame all Muslims for the actions of a few zealots on 9/11.  If everyone could understand that the loudest voices are rarely the ones that represent the most people, our world could be a much better place.

67 thoughts on “Good reasons to burn the Qur’an”

  1. When I heard about this, the first thing I thought of was Nazi Germany. Those are the only other people I can think of that burn books they don’t agree with. Thank god those douches backed out.

  2. I rarely comment – but I have to say – that I agree with your last paragraph. I fully support our right to free speech, but this is wrong on so many levels.

    I can’t imagine the danger this man is putting people who are doing missionary work in other countries, not to mention the soldiers who are stationed overseas.

    What an idiot.

  3. Most of my books have been red-tagged. I’m a bathroom reader going way back. It’s how I got through that American Lit class I took in college. Yeah…I sold them back to the college bookstore when I was done with them. Ha!

  4. You forgot “quetzal”, the most hated of the Q words. I would love to burn a quetzal. Preferably while her baby chicks watch. I hate those stupid birds.

    After all, Hate should have a PURPOSE.

  5. Erica and I have been planning a protest to the (now on hold) burning. We will hire the pump truck from the local fire department and sit across the street. Any time a match gets lit, that funny looking twisted water gun on the top of the truck goes on and soaks everything in its path.
    Alternatively, we’ve asked God to bring a drenching rain to Gainesville for the next two days. That requires less planning, but more faith.

  6. I support the burning of the Qur’an because they have to buy them first. That means an entire tiny congregation of hateful Xtian fundies bought the Qur’an. Then we can taunt them by saying we are true Xtians because we haven’t shelled out a dime for their godless heathen holy book. And then we can protest beer and Playboy sales at a 7/11 (probably run by an Arab – it’s an invasion!) before we go home and light up joints the size of ball bats. Besides, if we outlaw these dumbasses then next we have to ban blogs with pictures of hot Asian women, guys who make cartoons of Mohammad naked, and Sarah Palin. On second thought, continue with the censorship.

  7. Well said. I don’t know what good the idiots think will come of burning Qurans, but they sure didn’t consult anyone with intelligence. I heard the burning was off, today I’m hearing it may be back on. Don’t know what to believe. Regardless, it’s a thoughtless action set off by extremists who are pissed at extremists. Sad.

  8. If you thought it was discounted because they put the word Qu’an on the cover twice by accident and then you realize the real mistake is that it should have read “Duran Duran: Hungry Like the Wolf”…then you can burn it.

    I agree with everyone on the last line being truly special. I hate the image we, as a country, have in some parts of the world because they only see stories like this one.

  9. While I understand the sentiment in your last paragraph, it concerns me that you feel this act should warrant an exception to Freedom of Speech. There is, I believe, a stark difference between inciting violence directly (encouraging violence) and inciting reactionary violence. If we banned all speech that was likely to result in a violent reaction, we could quickly end up in a situation where all unpopular speech was banned.

    Maybe I should burn a US Flag, a Bible and a Qur’an, just on principle. And a copy of the US Constitution, for that matter. And a copy of the Burt Reynolds Cosmo issue. Oh, right, I’m much to apathetic to bother with any of that.

    1. @Ren, if your words can be directly linked or be a proximate cause to violence, that speech should be prohibited. If you don’t want to go the “inciting violence” route, how about “clear and present danger”? This is also very similar to yelling “Fire” in a crowded theater.

      1. @Avitable, I think the differences is the content of the communication. Yelling “Fire!” in a crowded theater serves no other purpose than to disturb the peace. Burning a religious text is presumably done as a form of protest. If we ban this out of fear of violent reaction, what happens if the next threat is a violent reaction to women wearing or not wearing a niqab?

        I don’t think fear of a violent response to speech warrants banning the speech. Perhaps if it can be demonstrated that the speech serves no purpose other than to encourage the response. However, I am far from convinced that that is the case in this case. (Ouch.)

        1. @Ren, the “clear and present danger” clause is educated speculation. For example, identifying someone who’s undercover may result in violence occurring against that person, but it is free speech that is restricted.

          1. @Avitable, I would think that revealing state secrets is something entirely different. I’m uncertain about the use of “clear and present danger” to suppress speech. Is there precedent for that?

          2. @Avitable, OK, a thourough2 minute scanof Wikipedia led me to conclude that the relevant distinctionis “the speaker intends to incite a violation of the law that is both imminent and likely”, which doesn’t seem to obviouslyapply here.

  10. Your last paragraph actually made me a little teary, Adam. As a Christian who actually reads her Bible and has a pretty good idea of how loving God and Jesus are (He HUNG OUT with the “sinners” – people the church deemed uncool), the whole debacle has made me so angry. I hate when people use God as an excuse to perform hateful acts and I hate how all Christians get lumped together with those few loud crazies.

    So, thank you.

    I’d thank you about the American part, but I’m Canadian, yo. 😉

  11. For the record, a whole bunch of transliterated Hebrew words also begin with the letter “Q.” (Although, in the same way that applies to Arabic words, spelling may vary.) So feel free to burn the Qiddush, the Qaddish, and especially Qaballah.

    This was a great post. I was trying to figure out how people could bring the funny to an item as sad, stupid and depraved as Terry Jones. You succeeded with flying colors. 🙂

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