Some douchebags were going to burn the Koran tomorrow for close-minded reasons that confuse fanaticism with religious representation. And as much as it is their right to express themselves in whatever way they choose, I can’t support it. Mainly because they’re burning the Qur’an for all the wrong reasons. And so, as your self-appointed social conscience and morality guide, here are the right reasons to burn the Qur’an:
- It touched the ground. Much like the American flag, if the Qur’an touches the ground, you should hold a formal ceremony wherein you fold the book eight times, and burn it in a consecrated stove that has been cleaned with holy water.
- Your buddy brought it into the bathroom to read. Red-tagging a book is always a good reason to burn it. Do you want to keep reading the same book as the guy who pooped while he turned the pages?
- You have the version with the daguerreotype of a naked Mohammad in it. It’s a little known fact that the main reason the image of Mohammad is forbidden is that he was a nudist and totally sported some massive 70s porn manbush. The original Qur’an contained an image that showed him doing the same pose as Burt Reynolds in Cosmo, but it was so disturbing that it was excised from future editions. It’s acceptable to burn any book that contains Prophet ManBush.
- You’ll freeze to death otherwise. Unless you’re going to rely on a divine presence to rescue you when you’re trapped on the top of a snow-covered mountain with nothing but a hunting knife, a book of matches, and your Qur’an, go ahead and use it for kindling. This doesn’t count if you’re just cold at home but you haven’t even pulled the comforter on top of you yet.
- You want to get high. It’s rumored that the ink used to print the Qur’an is made from a highly hallucinogenic substance, so it’s acceptable to burn each page, melt the ashes into a liquid, and then inject directly into your eyeball.
- You really hate messages of love and peace. If you’ve actually read a book and you despise the actual, not perceived, content and message of a publication, it’s okay to burn it. That’s why I burn every copy of Anti-Beard Quarterly.
- You’re a Nazi. I mean, book burning is like a spectator sport with the Nazis, right?
- You’re a Ninja. They’re inscrutable, so their reasons are their own.
- You are waiting for the movie version and don’t want the ending to be spoiled. I burn every historical document that mentions the Titanic, because I haven’t seen the movie yet and I really don’t want to be spoiled. If you burn your copy of the Qur’an, you’ll be less tempted to skip to the end and find out what happens. Does it end in a river of blood and fire? Do Chuck and Elizabeth end up together? Is it a dream within a dream or are we in real life?
- You really hate words that begin with the letter Q. It’s totally understandable if you burn queers, quagmires, Quickbooks, queues, and Don Quixote, that you would want to burn the Qur’an.
So, next time you decide you want to burn the Qur’an, print out this handy list for reference. Then you can relax, knowing that your detractors will leave satisfied with your rational explanation.
[I wrote this post earlier this week when the plans were still in full force to burn the Qur’an. While the paragraph I wrote below is slightly less relevant, I don’t think it’s at all less applicable:]
On a serious note, let me speak for myself and ideally on behalf of rational Americans and Christians everywhere. We do NOT support this action. I condemn it as an act of hate, which makes it decidedly not Christian and uncharacteristic of the American attitude towards Muslims across the world. We do NOT all feel like this. As an American, I support our right to free speech, but I believe that this action incites violence and should fall under the exception to free speech. It should be prevented. And I ask Muslims who might witness these radicals burning the Qur’an to understand that this is not representative of us. Condemning all Americans or all Christians based on the actions of a few twisted zealots who have manipulated a message of peace and love to their own violent needs is as equally ignorant and blind a behavior as those people who blame all Muslims for the actions of a few zealots on 9/11. If everyone could understand that the loudest voices are rarely the ones that represent the most people, our world could be a much better place.