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A letter in Canadian for @redneckmommy

Today is the 35th 25th birthday of my friend Tanis, aka Redneck Mommy, aka Canadian Superfly, aka Tits Mahoney.

Tanis and me, BlogHer 2009, Chicago

Since this birthday is a big one, as she starts inching closer and closer to the potentiality of being a cougar, I thought I’d write her a letter to tell her how much she means to me on this special occasion.

However, since she’s from the Great White North, there is a massive language barrier.  I speak English and she speaks, well, something totally different.  As a result, I took it upon myself to learn Canadian, just so I could write something that she’d understand completely.

Hey hoser,

Don’t want to be a keener, eh, but thought it was important, for sure, to tell you how happy I am that you’re my friend.  And y’know, someday I hope to drive however many klicks it takes to get up to your neck of the woods so we can hang oot on your chesterfield, split a two-four and eat some poutine and a slice or two of backbacon.  And since I’ve already seen your dick, you don’t even have to wear your housecoat or put on track pants, eh?

I know that you hear me say I want to visit and think “take off!” but it’s true.  And I can’t wait to see the kerfuffle I cause when you come ootside one day and I’m walking up your laneway, carrying some homo milk for the kids. That’s gonna knock you on yer bum, eh?

Anyway, I would have sent you a present, but we know that your kids would have just horked it, eh, so instead you get this very personal letter all aboot how much you mean to me as a friend.

Happy Birthday, Tanis.  Love you.


69 thoughts on “A letter in Canadian for @redneckmommy”

  1. That is just so adorable how you learned to speak and write Canadianish so we could understand. Too bad there was no use of any words that required the addition of a U as in flavour but at least you gave it a good try. Well done and I second the sentiment to wish Tanis the best on her birthday

  2. I’m surprised you are still alive after last years birthday pic of Tanis. And the package you sent her. Sweet letter. You should visit Tanis. That would be amusing for all of us.

  3. Aw, dude. I’m touched. You learned how to speak Canadian for me. And I understood every damn word. Which is either totally sad or wickedly awesome, depending on how you look at it.

    My pet beaver and I thank you.

    Big love to you. (And for the love of GOD stop linking to that ugly ass tranny picture. I’m going to have nightmares AGAIN dammit!)

  4. OK, Adam. I’m totally laughing over here because I understood every word of that. And just think about how much more fluent you will be in Canadian after coming to Toronto next month.

    Happy birthday. Tanis!

  5. It’s just plain BACON here dude!!!

    I don’t know if I should be proud or ashamed that I understood every bit of your Canadian… of course- in Tanis-land (aka Western Canada) it sounds more redneck-ish… where I live (on the cusp of the 51st state, aka Ontario) we are more civilized!! 😛

  6. I feel like I need a cheat sheet to understand this post. However, since it’s for Tanis and hopefully she understand it and that is what matters, I’ll just pretend it says, happy birthday T, you are very pretty. The end.

  7. Wow. That was fully and completely written in perfect Canadian. Being from the igloo country we find that real people often don’t take the time to learn our very special and profound language. Thank you for going the distance, to make us feel included! HAHA! Loved it, eh! 🙂

  8. Happy belated Birthday RedneckMommy. Keener must be a younger thing or a western thing. I’m from Ontario but have no clue on that one. “for sure” is Valley Girl, USA.

    I lived in the US when I was married to a USian several years ago. He was forever making me say ‘outhouse’. I laughed whenever he talked about getting the warshing done. Also, how did that dog get up on the rough.

    We’ve been having a debate about what to call people from the US. Traditionally known as ‘Americans’. However, Americans could be anyone in North and/or South America. Even Latin America, to get technical. We have begun calling US people USians because Users just doesn’t sound very nice. What is your thought on this issue?

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