Today is the 35th
25th birthday of my friend Tanis, aka Redneck Mommy, aka Canadian Superfly, aka Tits Mahoney.
Since this birthday is a big one, as she starts inching closer and closer to the potentiality of being a cougar, I thought I’d write her a letter to tell her how much she means to me on this special occasion.
However, since she’s from the Great White North, there is a massive language barrier. I speak English and she speaks, well, something totally different. As a result, I took it upon myself to learn Canadian, just so I could write something that she’d understand completely.
Don’t want to be a keener, eh, but thought it was important, for sure, to tell you how happy I am that you’re my friend. And y’know, someday I hope to drive however many klicks it takes to get up to your neck of the woods so we can hang oot on your chesterfield, split a two-four and eat some poutine and a slice or two of backbacon. And since I’ve already seen your dick, you don’t even have to wear your housecoat or put on track pants, eh?
I know that you hear me say I want to visit and think “take off!” but it’s true. And I can’t wait to see the kerfuffle I cause when you come ootside one day and I’m walking up your laneway, carrying some homo milk for the kids. That’s gonna knock you on yer bum, eh?
Anyway, I would have sent you a present, but we know that your kids would have just horked it, eh, so instead you get this very personal letter all aboot how much you mean to me as a friend.
Happy Birthday, Tanis. Love you.