How to survive a hurricane

Having lived in Florida since I was three years old, I have been through plenty of hurricanes with nary a scratch, and it’s all thanks to the handy list of tips on how to survive a hurricane:

Always keep water around. Since there is always a chance that the water table may become contaminated during a hurricane, it’s important to keep drinking water available.  If you don’t have enough drinking water, any clear liquid will suffice, such as Sprite, vodka, or gin.  If you drink enough clear liquids, you can fool your body into thinking that it’s hydrated and you’ll be fine.

Get your important papers together.  With a hurricane, there is a high chance that your house will be utterly destroyed and all of its contents will be strewn across several square miles.  By keeping your passport, insurance papers, treasured photos, and pornography in one location, there will be less risk that your neighbors will find out that you like to watch Nigerian midgets fuck each other in the face.

Take photos of your property. Insurance companies are more likely to expedite payment under any claims of damage if they have photos for comparison and proof.  If you don’t feel like cleaning your house and finding all of your jewelry, I recommend looking through the newspapers for an open house in the most expensive part of town. Bring your camera and take copious photos, and in case of damage, you have all the proof that you need.  Be sure to open the closets and jewelry boxes and take photos of everything!

Be aware that traveling with your pet may be difficult. After a hurricane and the resulting destruction, hotel rooms will fill up quickly, and the establishments with vacancies may not be pet friendly.  If there is a threat of an impending hurricane in your area, your best option is to bring your pet out to the backyard onto a tarp and shoot it in the head, then wrap it and bury it.

Don’t expect the power to be on quickly.  While utility companies will work as hard as they can to restore power, downed power lines and blown transformers can result in weeks without power.  In addition to stocking up on batteries for flashlights and radios, you should also prepare for a lawless society where the only rule is kill or be killed.  I recommend taking all of your money out of the bank and using it to buy bullets, gasoline, and maybe some type of face paint.

Stay inside. It may seem obvious, but when the wind is blowing and the rain is pouring down, while the trees are bent sideways to the ground, stay the fuck inside.  However, once the rain clears and the clouds dissipate during the middle of the hurricane, this is called the “eye” and it’s completely safe to get in your car and drive around to see the damage.  You should bring your children and elderly people with you as well so they can see the beauty of the eye of the hurricane.

59 thoughts on “How to survive a hurricane”

  1. Having gone through many a hurricane myself. When Charley cut through our area we were without electric for 3 weeks. You make due and be prepared. Get your hurricane kits together. Hopefully you wont need them… but you never know.
    Even now living up North when hurricane season rolls around I have the internal desire to ready my kit.

  2. Don’t forget: If you live in an old, run-down double wide and evacuations have been ordered, you have nothing to worry about. Your “house” will be fine.

    (My sister’s abode was fine, but she waited until it was almost too late during Hurricane Charley to move inland. The single-wide next door was flipped and right up against the fence dividing the two properties.)

  3. Ok I could be wrong, but didn’t you say a few posts back that you had lived in Los Angeles and wanted to move back there when you could? This post says that you lived in FL since you were 3. hmmmm cornfused? Yes I am !


    1. @Marie, yeah, I’ve lived a few other places here and there over the years, but moved to Florida when I was three, and have spent almost all of the last 30 years here, with a few years in LA, in Saint Louis, and in Virginia.

  4. And here I thought you were going to tell us to cook our frozen pizzas on the gas grill!

    I always add a few dozen boxes of Little Debbie snack cakes to the multitude of water we keep around. Those, plus a supply of twinkies, will keep us fed and hopped up on sugar to be able to defend our ruins from any looters. Plus side is they stay fresh in their individual packaging for YEARS!

  5. I think it’s a mistake to kill your pets in advance because they can become a useful food source if the local Pizza Hut isn’t operational within the first few hours, but otherwise I see no shortcomings in this list.

        1. @B.E. Earl, heh. Thought I’d see if I could slip that by you.

          The Northeast has been hit by about half the number that Florida has; however, you guys are so ill-prepared for them that I think it’s more dangerous up there.

          1. @Avitable, Definitley. The last BIG hurricane to hit Long Island was back in the 1930’s. We’ve had a couple of Cat 1 types hit since then, but nothing really major. It will be a disaster of huge proportions if we or NYC gets hit by a big one. Lower Manhattan, especially.

            I’m comforted by the facts that geography and colder ocean temperatures work against a big one ever hitting us. They tend to It’s possible, but not probable. Which is exactly why its gonna be bad when it does happen.

  6. We moved into our new Florida home three weeks before Hurricane Opal hit on my birthday – making landfall in our adopted city. Since then we have evacuated at least three more times.

    We have become a little lax in storm prep, now that storm season is an easy excuse for drunken block parties to cook all the freezer food before it rots without electricity.

  7. I prefer to NOT keep my pornography in the same box with my passport and treasured photos. That way if someone finds my homemade Kevorkian porn, it isn’t in the same place as my identification or the pictures of me and your mom, thereby making it slightly more difficult to link me to my low-budget erotic geriatric snuff flicks.

      1. @Avitable, Actually one of my best friends lives in Florida. I’ll make it out there one day soon. It’s really tornadoes that scare me the most. I’m not into the thought of flying cows.

  8. I’m going to have to disagree on the dog burying thing. Really, if you’re preparing for a hurricane, do you have the time to waste digging a hole? I think that time could be better suited for purchasing more clear liquids. I suggest maybe 99 Bananas or the like. It’s a clear liquid AND fruit! win win. The burying the dog though, waste of time. Let the hurricane lead it on to better pastures.

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