Having lived in Florida since I was three years old, I have been through plenty of hurricanes with nary a scratch, and it’s all thanks to the handy list of tips on how to survive a hurricane:
Always keep water around. Since there is always a chance that the water table may become contaminated during a hurricane, it’s important to keep drinking water available. If you don’t have enough drinking water, any clear liquid will suffice, such as Sprite, vodka, or gin. If you drink enough clear liquids, you can fool your body into thinking that it’s hydrated and you’ll be fine.
Get your important papers together. With a hurricane, there is a high chance that your house will be utterly destroyed and all of its contents will be strewn across several square miles. By keeping your passport, insurance papers, treasured photos, and pornography in one location, there will be less risk that your neighbors will find out that you like to watch Nigerian midgets fuck each other in the face.
Take photos of your property. Insurance companies are more likely to expedite payment under any claims of damage if they have photos for comparison and proof. If you don’t feel like cleaning your house and finding all of your jewelry, I recommend looking through the newspapers for an open house in the most expensive part of town. Bring your camera and take copious photos, and in case of damage, you have all the proof that you need. Be sure to open the closets and jewelry boxes and take photos of everything!
Be aware that traveling with your pet may be difficult. After a hurricane and the resulting destruction, hotel rooms will fill up quickly, and the establishments with vacancies may not be pet friendly. If there is a threat of an impending hurricane in your area, your best option is to bring your pet out to the backyard onto a tarp and shoot it in the head, then wrap it and bury it.
Don’t expect the power to be on quickly. While utility companies will work as hard as they can to restore power, downed power lines and blown transformers can result in weeks without power. In addition to stocking up on batteries for flashlights and radios, you should also prepare for a lawless society where the only rule is kill or be killed. I recommend taking all of your money out of the bank and using it to buy bullets, gasoline, and maybe some type of face paint.
Stay inside. It may seem obvious, but when the wind is blowing and the rain is pouring down, while the trees are bent sideways to the ground, stay the fuck inside. However, once the rain clears and the clouds dissipate during the middle of the hurricane, this is called the “eye” and it’s completely safe to get in your car and drive around to see the damage. You should bring your children and elderly people with you as well so they can see the beauty of the eye of the hurricane.