Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My interview with Tony Curtis

Yesterday, film legend Tony Curtis died at the age of 85.  I sat down with him for a brief chat:

Me:  Mr. Curtis, thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

TC:  You should be happy – I’m a very popular man.

Me:  You are?  I have to say that I couldn’t name a movie that you were in if my life depended on it.  All I know about you is that you crossdressed in a movie.

TC: I was in “Some Like it Hot” with Marilyn, for Christ’s Sake!  And have you ever heard of a little movie called “Spartacus” that revolutionized cinema?

Me: Is that the movie that has become a cliche for being loved by gay men?

TC: It was a man’s movie about war and battle and fighting!

Me: And naked sweaty men hitting each other.

TC: And the heat of battle!

Me: Heat of battle or passion?

TC: Did you bring me here to belittle me?

Me: No, actually, I just wanted to tell you that you daughter Jamie Lee used to have really excellent tits.

TC: Why you-

GG: Hi everyone!  It’s me, Greg Giraldo!  You know, Tony, your movies were so gay that Bruce Vilanch called you a fag.

Me: Umm, Greg, what are you doing here and why are you roasting Tony Curtis?

GG: I died yesterday too, and this is all anybody knows me for!  I was always that unknown guy who would roast major celebrities as if I knew them their whole lives.  Tony, your daughter used to be hot, but Jamie Lee Curtis is so ugly now that I wouldn’t fuck her with Lisa Lampanelli’s dick.

TC: You’re such an unknown that if someone hears your name they think you’re what Geraldo named his dick.

GG: Tony, you look like Bea Arthur if she had been a woman.

TC: Mr. Giraldo, you are so pathetic that a fat man who posts his inane thoughts on the computer didn’t even want to write a fake interview with you after you died.

Me: And I think we have a winner!  Thank you for coming in.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!):

Dennis Hopper
Gary Coleman
Chinese murderer
Casey, aka Moosh In Indy
Adolf Hitler
Peter Graves
Corey Haim
My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

40 thoughts on “My interview with Tony Curtis”

  1. I was lucky enough to see Greg Giraldo’s stand-up. He was shit-your-pants-funny in his act, which is more than I can say for most stand-ups I’ve seen. The gauge of a truly funny comic is how they’re received by their peers, and a lot of his fellow comedians were fans (which is how he ended up at those celebrity roasts). His biggest sin was that he wasn’t “commercial” enough to become truly popular… even when he got the “Last Comic Standing” gig. Kind of a shame, but I’m oddly okay with it, because it feels like I’m part of a secret club who had the opportunity to appreciate a great comic in a way most people never did.

    If you’re really interested in doing stand-up, it’s worth tracking down “Midnight Vices” or some of his CDs, as he’s somebody worth studying. Who knows? After seeing what you’re missing, you might even reconsider wanting to interview him!

  2. Actually, Bea Arthur and Tony Curtis are closely linked. They attended the Drama Workshop at the New School together. In an interview, Bea dissed Tony for his Brooklyn accent, which she felt was out of place in Shakespeare. I believe Curtis dissed Arthur for having a voice which was out of place in a woman.

  3. I love that Curtis is so fondly remembered for a line he never actually spoke.

    “Yonda lies da castle of my faddah” in The Black Shield of Falworth. It’s not in that film, but he did say something similar in another. You can take the kid out of The Bronx, but…

  4. Ahhh….lost…..I guess I wasn’t around to meet or see these people and their work….Only know of Bea…because of GG…..love that show!
    Hey wait! You can talk to dead people! AWESOME 😉 Hahahaha!

  5. OMG. THIRD TIME I have tried to comment and your blog keeps eating my comments!!!! Anyway. I think muskrat is on to something. I think you should do interviews with dead bloggers, even if we’re not dead. I think that would be fun. Just for shits and giggles, you know? For sure.

  6. Ha. Nice surprise here. I had googled humorous writings on Tony Curtis’ death..just cuz that’s what I was doing…and this came up.

    Very funny.
    I see there’s a series of dead celebs, going to catch up now…

  7. I was much sadder to hear of Greg Giraldo’s passing than Tony Curtis’. Nice Lampanelli jab. (If you ever get a chance to see her in person, you should. My whole body hurt from laughing so hard.)

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