Yesterday, film legend Tony Curtis died at the age of 85. I sat down with him for a brief chat:
Me: Mr. Curtis, thank you for taking the time to meet with me.
TC: You should be happy – I’m a very popular man.
Me: You are? I have to say that I couldn’t name a movie that you were in if my life depended on it. All I know about you is that you crossdressed in a movie.
TC: I was in “Some Like it Hot” with Marilyn, for Christ’s Sake! And have you ever heard of a little movie called “Spartacus” that revolutionized cinema?
Me: Is that the movie that has become a cliche for being loved by gay men?
TC: It was a man’s movie about war and battle and fighting!
Me: And naked sweaty men hitting each other.
TC: And the heat of battle!
Me: Heat of battle or passion?
TC: Did you bring me here to belittle me?
Me: No, actually, I just wanted to tell you that you daughter Jamie Lee used to have really excellent tits.
TC: Why you-
GG: Hi everyone! It’s me, Greg Giraldo! You know, Tony, your movies were so gay that Bruce Vilanch called you a fag.
Me: Umm, Greg, what are you doing here and why are you roasting Tony Curtis?
GG: I died yesterday too, and this is all anybody knows me for! I was always that unknown guy who would roast major celebrities as if I knew them their whole lives. Tony, your daughter used to be hot, but Jamie Lee Curtis is so ugly now that I wouldn’t fuck her with Lisa Lampanelli’s dick.
TC: You’re such an unknown that if someone hears your name they think you’re what Geraldo named his dick.
GG: Tony, you look like Bea Arthur if she had been a woman.
TC: Mr. Giraldo, you are so pathetic that a fat man who posts his inane thoughts on the computer didn’t even want to write a fake interview with you after you died.
Me: And I think we have a winner! Thank you for coming in.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!):
Casey, aka Moosh In Indy
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Martin Luther King, Jr.