I’m at the wedding tonight, which should be fun. It’s always nice to catch up family that lives far away. In the meantime, I thought I’d continue the 30 Days of Truth series.
What’s something I have to forgive someone else for?
I am not a forgiving person. It takes a lot for me to reach a point where I write someone off, but once they’ve crossed that line, I don’t forget what they’ve done. This is usually a result of the fact that someone would essentially have to betray me completely or be such an utterly shitty and evil person that I can’t see any merit in a single fiber of their being.
Luckily, this series doesn’t insist that I forgive someone – just that I write about something I should forgive them for. I can do that. I can write about the point in my life when I was at the lowest I’ve ever been, curled up in a ball under my desk barely able to breathe. I was completely frantic, reaching out for straws to grasp and thought I found one. I opened up on a level that I had never done so before. I was honest to such a degree that it hurt to share what I was feeling. But talking about it was the only way for me to survive – at that moment, I knew that I was going to die if I didn’t talk about it.
With the exception of one person, the lifelines I flailed at held strong. They roped me in and helped me stay afloat. But that one – that one became a Janus, parroting every word I said to someone else, peppered with inaccuracy, bile, and selfishness. That betrayal is something that I know I should forgive. And even though time has passed, the thought of it still churns my gut. Worst of all, though, is that one act of betrayal, at my moment of complete weakness, destroyed my ability to trust people to the depths I trusted them before. I’m too scared to trust someone that much, now. And that, I can’t forgive.