In my post the other day about forgiveness, Casey commented with a quote from Gandhi that is currently printed on a bracelet she wears. It got me thinking about Gandhi. Do you think he had any idea that every word he said would be broken down, analyzed, and used to inspire, motivate, and teach?
What’s going to happen when I’m world-famous? After I go to that giant testicle in the sky, is my blog going to be mined for content? Will my words make it onto bracelets, T-shirts, bumper stickers, and inspirational posters worldwide?
Maybe not. But . . . maybe.
And if that’s true, fuck. I mean, have you read anything I’ve written over the last six and a half years? I need to start being inspirational. I need to leave statements behind that will mean something to the world.
So, future readers from the year 2048, here are the phrases you may use and associate with Adam Heath Avitable, the guru, spiritual leader, mentor, and superhero:
“If you don’t fill out your manties, buy a smaller pair.”
“Ninjas don’t actually solve anything. They cause a lot of problems and kill too easily.”
“Lawyers are assholes, doctors are idiots, and engineers are obsessive-compulsive. Advanced degrees are overrated.”
“Johnny Knoxville is one of the geniuses of our generation.”
“If you have a burrito and chocolate syrup, you can do anything.”
“I would rather assume that I’m smarter than you and have you prove me wrong than have to lower my estimation of your ability.”
“The scariest thing in life is a little girl in a dark hallway who is looking away from you and won’t respond when you call her name even as you approach her.”
“If you’re a straight white male with middle to upper-class income, vote on someone else’s behalf. You’ll be taken care of no matter who’s elected.”
“Cold shrimp may be one of the creepiest foods to eat, when you think about its intestinal tract running right down its body.”
“Friendships made demographically are more likely to last longer than friendships made geographically.”
“Everyone should know how to kill someone with their thumb.”
“Fuck the haters.”
“Laughter is the best medicine unless you hurt yourself from laughing too hard.”
“Balls are always funny. They’re wrinkled, they move on their own, and if you look at them right, you can see images.”
“Real men use moisturizer.”
“Why are older women who sleep with younger men called cougars but older men who sleep with younger women called perverts?”
“Tact is for pussies.”
“If you can be funny, be funny. If you can’t be funny, be smart. If you can’t be either, be quiet.”
“Mayonnaise or bacon makes everything better.”