Morality is subjective

I weigh in on “Corn Sugar”

There’s a new movement to rebrand High Fructose Corn Syrup as “Corn Sugar”.  The prevailing rationale is that whether it’s corn sugar or cane sugar, it’s still sugar.  And nutritionally, the products are almost identical.  With high-profile figures like Michelle Obama claiming that she does not want her children consuming HFCS, the industry is scrambling to re-invent their image.  And while the major issue is actually the consumption of fructose instead of glucose, not HFCS instead of sugar, it’s a scientifically confusing, and not well-explored issue.

Rather than discuss the facts and fictions of whether parents should just be avoiding all sugar instead of focusing on HFCS, I thought I’d talk about the renaming of HFCS as “Corn Sugar”.  This is a brilliant idea that should not only be applauded, but emulated.  Here are some ideas I have for clever reimaginings of products or ideas with bad reputations:

  • The BP Oil Spill is now known as “Texas Tea Time”
  • Instead of September 11th, we can say “Tower Removal Day”
  • Layoffs can be called “Early Release Programs”
  • We will now call Trans Fats “Goody Yum Yums”
  • Veterans who suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder should be told that they’re “Reliving Moments of Heroism”
  • Instead of abortions, women can have “Outpatient Weight Loss Services”
  • You won’t find rat parts in your food anymore.  Now you’ll find “Added Protein Goodness”
  • Erectile Dysfunction can be called “The Softer, Gentler You”
  • From now on, we can just refer to divorce as “Singles Generating Events”
  • And we can call murder-suicides “Non-mutual population reduction”
  • Instead of explosive diarrhea, we can have “One-minute pound removal”
  • Foreclosures can be considered “Giving back to your community (bank)”
  • Your unemployment check will now be called “The Craigslist and Classified Research Stipend”; and
  • Prisoners who get anally raped will now simply have been “introduced to a new lifestyle choice”.
The new Outpatient Weight Loss Clinic

53 thoughts on “I weigh in on “Corn Sugar””

  1. I’ve been dabbling in Mexican Coke lately. The soft drink, stupid! Anyway, it’s made from pure cane sugar instead of HFCS. Honestly, I can’t really tell much of a difference. Not with the amount of bourbon I put in it anyway.

  2. Or HFCS can be re-labeled “liquid butt sex”. But where does that leave regular corn syrup? I’m sensing a form of discrimination here. Time to march! But not too far, because we’re fat.

  3. I like this!
    We could change “war” to “conflict.” As in, the Korean Conflict. Sounds nice, right?
    We could call reductions in increases in government spending “spending cuts” for propaganda purposes!
    We can label everyone who disagrees with us as “Nazis” instead of attacking their points’ merits!

  4. Goody Yum Yums! LOL! I would like to spend one day with your brain to see how you come up with this stuff. That list is too funny!

    And what ever name you call it, it’s still sugar. Instead of trying to illiminate all of the Goody Yum Yums out of everything, why can’t we just teach people to eat better, make good choices and do everything in moderation? Sure… giving people fewer Goody Yum Yums to choose from would help, but there would be no fun in getting rid of them all together.

    And just wait, tomorrow they’ll find something wrong if you eat too much broccoli. Down with broccoli!

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