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Madame Avitable reads the stars just for you

I’m in Vegas for the weekend, but it’s Friday and time for your horoscope!


It’s imperative that you avoid any and all things that start with the letter “f” for the next three days; otherwise, you may experience a severe case of death.


That person who was smiling at you when you were at lunch?  It wasn’t because you were cute.  It was because you have a giant booger hanging from your nose.  Kleenex may prove very useful to you for the future.


There’s no reason to avoid wearing that one outfit you’ve been waiting to wear for a super-special, fancy occasion.  Make it work and wear it with pride today.  You’ll be dead tomorrow.


That black guy following you down the street?  He’s a movie producer who wants to cast you in a once-in-a-lifetime role.  That white guy with the smile and the puppy?  Totally wants to eat your spleen.  Break through your prejudices!  And avoid all white people.


Just repeat after me:  “My ass is not your wonderland”.  This should be your mantra for the next 10 years, or 7 with good behavior.


That project you’re working on for your job may actually cause the downfall of humanity in the year 2048.  Tread lightly.


Today is probably a good day to make sure you are wearing your best underwear.


I don’t think that’s just a freckle.  It may actually be a small alien civilization that has landed on your arm and is trying to make contact.  Or maybe it’s a mole.


If your name is Terra, you will hopefully have a wonderful birthday, filled with love and cheer and booze and orgasms and good drugs and bad boys and revelry.  Happy birthday!


When I say run, run as fast as you can and don’t look back.  Promise me that you won’t look back.  NOW RUN!


When you’re in Vegas, put all of your money and all of your company’s money on 24 Red.  Then enjoy living in your cardboard box for the rest of your life.


You should just stop trying so hard with the makeup and nice clothes.  You can’t fix ugly.

27 thoughts on “Madame Avitable reads the stars just for you”

  1. This is funny because while I was running yesterday, the black guy and his friends I passed were funny as hell, and the white guy acted like Hannibal Lecter crossed with the Unibomber! Once I’m in Nebraska, it will be hard to avoid white people, so I hope this horrorscope is only for today!

  2. Shit. I’m on the exact cusp of Aries/Taurus.

    I’m very confused now.

    The booger man from lunch is going to be in my future for three days? But I need to avoid him? Huh. Okay, I’ll remember this.

    Have fun in Vegas.

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